Anxiety, story of a lifetime

[Joy4456]

Hi,

Anxiety has been a story of a lifetime for me.

The funny thing is, it took me forever to realize that this was my problem. I used to think I was depressed.. but I know anxiety and depression can be linked, so I think it's my anxiety could be causing depression in me sometimes.

As a kid I felt like something was 'wrong' with me. I tried to tell that to a few people, but nobody took me seriously.

I assumed it was all just in my head and went on in my life. I had difficulties socializing without getting stressed. But I always managed somehow, by giving myself a big kick in the butt.
That's the way my mum raised me, to never give up fighting, and to get out there and try your best. Being scared would not be an option. You had to be brave in life. She also told me that things could always be worst and to be happy with what I have. It's some good advice, for sure.. and I did try to listen. But it didn't magically solve all my anxiety issues.

I always hear the same from all my boyfriends 'why are you making unnecessary drama' 'why are you so stressed about nothing?' 'I don't understand you' 'there's something wrong with you'.
These comments... seriously... don't help...

Telling an anxious person to stop freaking out is kinda like telling a depressed person to stop being sad, or tell an alcoholic to stop drinking. If it were that easy you don't think we would have done it already?

I'm trying not to be mad at them. How could they understand if they never had this issue?

It took me ages to figure out I had anxiety issues. I went to a psychologist once as a kid, he told me I was 'normal' (..whatever that means). I then went to see a shrink 5 years ago. He said I am perfectly fine. I tried to see a shrink again yesterday evening, and it did not help at all. She barely had any useful advice for me.

I only figured out that I had this anxiety problem around 2/3 years ago. It started affecting my work and relationships. That's when I decided to start facing my problem once and for all and take necessary steps in order to deal with this better.

I tried to reach out to family members, it turns out some of them have anxiety issues as well and have taken anti-anxiety meds on and off in their lives. My aunt's anxiety got so bad, that she could not leave her apartment anymore for years. She was too scared to leave her 'safe zone'.

Is it possible for anxiety to run in the family? I tried to ask my shrink yesterday and she wasn't able to give me a clear answer.

One of the main questions I am facing at this time in my life is: are anxiety disorders curable or is that something we just need to accept and make the best of it?

I have been trying to work this out for months.

I noticed that exercice and working out can help, as well as drinking certain teas (like chamomille). According to some articles Magnesium helps too, so I have been taking some. Drinking one or two glasses of white or red wine after a long day of work relaxes me too (without getting drunk, because for some reason hangover's make my hart race and it feels terrible). I even stopped taking the birth control, because the anxiety and mood swings were bad (I changed birth control brands like 4 times and nothing worked for me so I got tired of it and stopped taking any).

Those things help a bit, but they don't solve the issue all the way.

I have tried to take some anti-anxiety medication (not every day, only when my anxiety gets really bad.. because I know these things are addictive) and it helps a bit, but I feel like it's only a matter of time before anxiety kicks back.

The anxiety kicks in at random times sometimes. When I am about to enter a job interview I consider it somewhat normal to be stressed. But sometimes I am watching a movie at home on a Sunday and my harts suddenly beats like crazy for some unknown reason (and no, I'm not watching a scary movie :D).

What bothers me the most is the feeling that anxiety is 'controling my life'. Not the other way around.

I had to quit my last job because the stress became unbearable. I am now in a very safe job, in a safe environment. It allows me to rest my mind, but part of me is feeling like I am escaping.

I have to admit, having a confortable job, a steady relationship, reliable things around me and a repetitive routine seems attractive to me right now. Taking it easy for a while might not be such a bad thing. I've just moved all accross the world with my boyfriend, and that was a very stressful experience.
So now I am trying to surroung myself with positivity rather than negativity. I recently cut some friends out of my life that were toxic (sorry guys..). I've been trying to be a little more selfish lately.

I've spent my whole life trying to please other people and trying to help everybody (ex-boyfriends, friends, coworkers, strangers even..), and it seriously started to bring me down. At the end of the day, nobody was there to 'take care of me'. And solving my anxiety has now taken priority above everything else.

Another thing: my whole life I've been throwing myself into extreme situations to fight my anxiety: going on crazy vacations, moving from one city to another, accepting risky job offers, taking scuba diving lessons ( the list goes on). Because I did not want to end up as a lonely woman too scared to leave her apartment. I wanted to fight and I thought it would eventually cure my anxiety, because I would look back and see everything I've achieved and I could finally have some peace of mind.
Maybe I was naive to think this would be a solution.

It's better than giving up, but it sure did not solve my anxiety problem.

I now decided to join this forum in hope of reading about people who have similar problems. Almost nobody in my surroundings even know I have anxiety. The rare ones I've opened up to about this were very confused, because they said that I looked like a very calm person and then they just stared at me with this blank confused look... (making me feel even more alone in this world).

I guess I learned how to hide my anxiety very well over the years, because I've been hurt too many times by people who will take advantage of other people's 'weaknesses'.

But still, looking for answers.

Thanks for reading and have a nice non-stressful day !

Joy

[Im-Suffering]

So you learned ultimately that you take yourself wherever you go. Whether under water, around the world, new jobs, relationships. The world is not big enough to escape. You'll always be in bed ready for sleep back with yourself and your thoughts. So the logical conclusion would be, examine your thoughts for the value judgments and problem beliefs that need addressing. They most likely have been there since early childhood unquestioned. As a fact of life. Now, more mature, you will realize that the very fabric of reality you have woven is filled with the holes of false beliefs and fearful value judgements..

Since the answers are inside you, do an about face and become introspective rather than trot the world over running or searching for a Bigfoot that doesn't exist.

[Joy4456]

So you learned ultimately that you take yourself wherever you go. Whether under water, around the world, new jobs, relationships. The world is not big enough to escape. You'll always be in bed ready for sleep back with yourself and your thoughts. So the logical conclusion would be, examine your thoughts for the value judgments and problem beliefs that need addressing. They most likely have been there since early childhood unquestioned. As a fact of life. Now, more mature, you will realize that the very fabric of reality you have woven is filled with the holes of false beliefs and fearful value judgements..

Since the answers are inside you, do an about face and become introspective rather than trot the world over running or searching for a Bigfoot that doesn't exist.


This is.. the best advice I've gotten in ages. (no kidding)
Thank you for that.
I was hoping for useful advice like yours from my shrink yesterday.

It's true that I've been running away most of my life. I thought I was running away from bad situations, bad boyfriends and bad jobs.. but I was running away from myself and my anxiety. I've hit a wall now, and there's no more running.

Admitting to having a problem is the hardest and bravest thing a person can do. But it's also the first step to recovery.

[Im-Suffering]

The 'bad this, and the bad that" are projections of the inner self (beliefs) upon (the boyfriend or the interview) for example. These objective experiences are not inherently bad, you see. So in that context, wherever you go, you meet self, period. You understand. I want you to get this as it can give you an epiphany. You can recount your memories of life and see your emotional hand in the manifestation of your reality. Not recounting the physical event as much as your psychological atmosphere within it. That is what you project, as a mirror, and receive feedback from.

Anxiety is a part of your emotional storehouse as it fills to the brink with unresolved problems. Surely solving a problem usually involves facing it. There is no other known way. Anxiety is usually onset by false or irrational value judgements (fearful). So you must look there.

Start your journey by evaluating self. Your value judgements about you and also your relationship with the world and your peers. Examine your beliefs for validity in the current day, as you will find many are lingering from childhood and are outdated meaning the beliefs were meant for a 5 year old. And many of them were false to begin with. (Parental conditioning).

Glad our paths have coincidentally crossed today. I will leave my bill in your inbox : )

[Joy4456]

:) thanks

This is some powerful stuff you wrote. And you are right.

It is often the way we perceive things in our anxious minds. This tends to blind me, to the point where I don't see what's in front of me anymore.

Often when I try to remember an event in my life, my first reaction is to remember my emotional state at that time rather than the event itself.

I will be faced with myself and my fears my whole life and there's nothing I can do about it. And it doesn't matter where I am, I can't escape. I am my own mirror. So I might as well face it and try to solve it. I am optimistic that it is possible though.

I guess I have some piled up anger about people not being able to give me any useful advice about anxiety my entire life (family, ex-boyfriends, friend etc.). But I need to let go of that anger. I feel like the majority of people I know have this whole 'hush hush' attitude, we don't see it, we don't hear it, we don't want to believe it. They feel like if they ignore a problem for long enough, it will magically disappear. I tried to do that with my anxiety, because I believed this was the way to deal with things, since everybody around me was doing it. But ignoring the problem did not work at all, it just got worst with time.

Every single time I tried to reach out, I feel like I fell right on my face. There's always a risk to be misunderstood, and if by any chance you do, you feel lonelier than ever before.

I dated a guy who had Schizophrenia for a while. It was difficult, but I tried to be supportive as much as I could. The day I asked for some advice or support with my anxiety issue, he refused to help. He said I don't know what it's like to have 'real problems', so we're not even going to talk about me.

Same thing with the boyfriend after him, he got abused as a kid and was poor growing up. The moment I tried talking about my anxiety, he said the same thing, 'you never had any real problems, why would you be anxious? You're making that up'

That's why when someone finally has some useful advice or just understands what I'm going through, it feels like a breeze of fresh air. So thank you and all the best to you.

[petbunari]

Thank you both Joy4456 and Im-Suffering. Reading both your comments helped me today. I'm going through some rough anxiety and panic attacks the last few days. I reached out to a good friend by phone last night who listened to me, was empathetic and gave me some good advice. I cried a whole bunch during our conversation. I cried some more afterward, but felt better. I recently joined a support group, which has also been helpful. It's a scary time for me now, facing myself. Reading comments on this forum and knowing people are struggling, like I am, but who are also striving to get better is a real gift to me. Thank you again.

[Joy4456]

Thank you both Joy4456 and Im-Suffering. Reading both your comments helped me today. I'm going through some rough anxiety and panic attacks the last few days. I reached out to a good friend by phone last night who listened to me, was empathetic and gave me some good advice. I cried a whole bunch during our conversation. I cried some more afterward, but felt better. I recently joined a support group, which has also been helpful. It's a scary time for me now, facing myself. Reading comments on this forum and knowing people are struggling, like I am, but who are also striving to get better is a real gift to me. Thank you again.


Hi petbunari
Did something in particular trigger those panic attacks lately ?

You are very lucky to have such a good friend that is there for you to support you through rough times. It really is a blessing. Make sure to be there for that person when she/he needs you too, friends like this need to be kept for life :)

A lot of people bailed on me in the past during difficult times. But there were a few friends who have been there for me. I am very thankful for these friends. An old friend of mine who is bipolar and has social phobia has been talking to me daily for the past months, and she helped me a great deal as well.

There's nothing wrong with crying, I think it's best to let it out. As soon as you regain some energy you should think of doing something for yourself.. do your favorite thing for a day. I always give myself a little 'reward' after a panic attack. I know it's silly, but it helps me recover. It gives me something to look forward to.

When I moved accross the world with my boyfriend recently, I almost lost it. I had one panick attack after another. There were times when I would lock myself in the bathroom, sit on the floor and cry for an hour straight. There was absolutely no reason to cry, except for irrational fear and my own mind driving me nuts. It felt like there was no light at the end of the tunnel.

Sometimes I had to go to work after those attacks, so I would just put on a lot of make-up to cover my puffy eyes, put on my sunglasses and arrive with a big smile at work. Nobody would notice. I couldn't start crying at work.. I really couldn't afford to lose my job over this, so I tried to pull myself together.

But I am not always in this state. Sometimes I am doing very well. So I started doing this new thing: I write down all the positive thoughts that rush through my head while I am feeling well. Things I want to achieve in life, things I look forward to, things I enjoy doing. I make a list and put it in my bag. If I ever feel like I'm going to crash again, I pull out that list and read it. It reminds me that I was feeling great when I wrote this, so it is possible to feel great again :)

Hope this helps and hold in there

[petbunari]

Hi Joy4456,

The panic attack was triggered by a combination of things. I am unemployed right now and I stubbed my toe about 7 weeks ago and it doesn't seem to be healing. There is still pain and I need at least one crutch to get around. I saw a doctor last month who told me the toe is/was not broken and to rest it, ice it and elevate it. I'm seeing another doctor next week. I have no health insurance right now (living in USA), so if I need surgery, I will have to pay for it out of my savings. My tendency for catastrophic thinking got me in a whirlwind of compound negative thinking and triggered the panic.

One suggestion from something I read recently is that once a panic attack sets in, to invite to stay. In other words, to acknowledge it is there and be mindful of it -- notice what kind of physical sensations come with it, like tightness in my chest or whether my breathing is heavy, but also to know that it is a temporary thing and that I am not in physical danger. That seemed to help.

I had a rough time at my last job, dealing with the stresses of the work while simultaneously having what I think is an anxiety disorder and depression. My friend on the phone last night is a former co-worker. We commiserated about how tough things were at times on the job. After the call ended, a whole bunch of work-related memories seem to descend upon my brain all at once. My body tensed and I experienced a bout of crying. It wasn't bad though. It was a kind of release. In the moment I think I forgave myself for having such a hard time at work. I felt more relaxed afterward and was able to sleep.

I know I have a lot of work to do ahead of me finding a new job. I know I have a lot of work to do on the anxiety and depression front. I am seeing a therapist today who practices something called Schema Therapy, which was created by a psychologist in the US named Jeffrey Young. According a website I found: "A schema is an extremely stable, enduring negative pattern that develops during childhood or adolescence and is elaborated throughout an individual’s life. We view the world through our schemas."

I discovered that one the schemas that I probably do have is that I believe that I cannot achieve at work and that I am less successful than others, etc. I think that's one of the reasons I'm avoiding moving forward with a serious job search. From the list of schemas you can find online, I probably have a whole bunch more. I will do my best during the therapeutic work ahead of me to kind to myself along the way. Thanks for reminding me of that.

I am also using a book titled "The Depression Cure" by psychologist Stephen Ilardi from the University of Kanas. I've implemented some of the suggestions in the book, which I feel have been helpful to me.

Thanks so much for reaching out to me Joy4456. The world will always need kind people like you. All the best.