Demite
08-22-2008, 06:22 PM
Hello,
Thank you for coming over to read my problem, i understand everybody has their own to deal with so mine doesn't really help, so thanks. I've tried my best to make this easy to understand - its hard to put into words.
As a child i always was a worrier, my parents simply blamed it on my active mind, similar to my fathers. They figured it only really happened a lot during the holidays, 'it' being a worry of mine coming up, such as obsessing about germs and having the fear of being sick, so as a child i used to frantically wash my hands to the point that my skin cracked.
That fear moved on, i stopped washing my hands as much, however instead i started literally feeling sick at some points, mostly at night time falling asleep (when my mind wasn't pre-occupied). I would sweat, feel sick, cry and fidget myself to sleep. My parents at that point saw how deeply this problem was affecting me, and how different i was compared to other kids (i was 7-8 at the time).
Upon realizing, my parents took me to a child psychologist for a small evaluation, however before anything was done, my fear eventually faded - my parents blamed that on growing up.
However that wasn't the only problem. I also disliked long car journeys, the fear being that i couldn't go to the toilet if i needed to. That worry eventually began to materialize on long car journeys - which led to me needing the toilet frequently on journeys.
So that fear stayed with me until i was around 12-13 where the fear subsided (similar to the sick fear), where my parents again blamed that on growing up.
What was odd at the time was the fact that i didn't realize i had a problem, i subconsciously buried that fact and assumed others had the same problem.
Then when i was 14 my parents split up, turns out my dad sexually abused my sister on 4 occasions, which put an end to my worries. Whether or not that was because i realized there were other larger things to worry about than myself i don't know, thats just a theory.
So from the age of 14, i had around 2-3 or so years of not worrying as much and being pretty care free - still 'unaware' that i had a problem years ago, until i reached 17.
When i became 17 in January, the first symptom that came up was obsessional behavior. Now that work was alot harder (in school), i obviously had to work alot harder, but that led me to become very obsessional with my work. This was also brought on by my bad exam results last year, which made me want to change my ways (become more considerate, help around the house, treat myself and others with more respect, etc) and so i did.
But you see i became obsessional in a relaxed way - i denied the fact that i had a problem and considered myself just a hard worker who cares alot about alot of things. I simply thought it was part of my persona. This was until i started getting panic attacks at school - most of them being in morning assembly, which came on by me thinking too much about alot of things and feeling the inability to escape, how i must sit down and listen to announcements and nothing else.
This led me to occasionally leave in assembly, which led others to frown and i just blamed it on the fact that 'i didn't feel too good that morning'. The panic attacks made me feel sick, which would create adrenaline caused by the worry, which would make me feel more sick, and more, and more until i felt i had to stand up and get some air.
Another symptom i got this year was intense paranoia. Now i'm beginning to wonder whether the reason why i tried to 'better' myself after my exam results were because of that, rather than exam results. For some reason i feel as though i am a nuisance - that word isn't even enough. If someone says something at all that could be remotely hurtful - i immediately think that its about me. This year I've tried silencing myself and saying as less words as possible to my friends - simply because i regret and remorse about each word i say - as i feel people hate me to the bone and i feel like each word i say are the worst things i could say.
Finally school ended for the summer - ending in a big assembly that i worried about for days and days. At this point i was still burying the fact that i had a problem - however it was slowly coming to light. My Mother was excited to announce that she had been saving for a trip to New York and that we would all go in a few days - my sister was ecstatic, and so was I - no assembly, therefore no panic attacks... right?
However it didnt go as i had planned. Although it was a mind blowing trip, i couldn't stay out in the city as long as my Mother and Sister. I felt the hateful eyes on me and the uncomfortable feeling that i wasn't at home - and not close at all either. I kept going back to the hotel which was the safest i felt.
At this point i couldn't ignore the fact that i had a problem, and so i accepted it, which didn't really make it any better. We came back and i felt as though i had ruined the trip - despite my Mother telling me i hadn't.
My Mother, concerned at this point, took me to the local doctors so i could speak and get referred to someone that could help.
I waited a week - nothing happened. At this point i started only feeling safe in the house, and found i couldn't go out longer than a few hours.
I went to see the same doctor again, and told her that it wasn't getting any better, and so she sent an urgent request to the CAMH clinic (Child and Adolescent Mental Health), who booked an appointment for me on August the 5th.
I went there and told the lady of my problems and she said she needed a second opinion and i would have to wait a little.
2 weeks and no call later, i called in to the same doctor, who said she would try to get in touch with CAMH again.
Since then the doctor has been ill so i haven't been able to call her or do anything. I've got school in less than 1 week and 3 days and i'm fidgeting, sweating, and crying myself to sleep because i am FUCKED as i can barely leave the house for fear of publicly humiliating myself - let alone go to school and learn.
I can't stop moving, my heart is racing, and although this sounds incredibly exaggerated and typical of a teenager, but i feel as though there is a big reason why i should be anxious, nervous and worrying all the time. But it is invisible. I feel as though it is a part of my persona.
I want to take anything to feel better, and although i am quite logical at times and view suicide as a stupid way of dealing with problems, it is dangerous how comforting it is starting to look.
I feel as though the doctors are trying to ignore my calls, and everytime i try to explain how anxious i am to my mother, she simply thinks i'm normal and simply exaggerating - which doesn't help what i should be thinking. I don't know what to think - do i have an anxiety disorder? Or do i just have an active mind? I don't know.
So, if you've read this far thank you again - you are a very nice to have read so much of my problem, but what should i do? Should i take time off school to deal with this agoraphobia and mix of problems? I just want some doctor to tell me what is wrong with me so i can live life without a fucking question mark over my head constantly.
I need to wait till Tuesday until i can call the doctors again (bank holiday Monday) which leaves a week and 1 days from school - even less time. Help.
Thanks and hope you can give some suggestions - feels good to have written this down and i wait patiently for your responses.
Thank you for coming over to read my problem, i understand everybody has their own to deal with so mine doesn't really help, so thanks. I've tried my best to make this easy to understand - its hard to put into words.
As a child i always was a worrier, my parents simply blamed it on my active mind, similar to my fathers. They figured it only really happened a lot during the holidays, 'it' being a worry of mine coming up, such as obsessing about germs and having the fear of being sick, so as a child i used to frantically wash my hands to the point that my skin cracked.
That fear moved on, i stopped washing my hands as much, however instead i started literally feeling sick at some points, mostly at night time falling asleep (when my mind wasn't pre-occupied). I would sweat, feel sick, cry and fidget myself to sleep. My parents at that point saw how deeply this problem was affecting me, and how different i was compared to other kids (i was 7-8 at the time).
Upon realizing, my parents took me to a child psychologist for a small evaluation, however before anything was done, my fear eventually faded - my parents blamed that on growing up.
However that wasn't the only problem. I also disliked long car journeys, the fear being that i couldn't go to the toilet if i needed to. That worry eventually began to materialize on long car journeys - which led to me needing the toilet frequently on journeys.
So that fear stayed with me until i was around 12-13 where the fear subsided (similar to the sick fear), where my parents again blamed that on growing up.
What was odd at the time was the fact that i didn't realize i had a problem, i subconsciously buried that fact and assumed others had the same problem.
Then when i was 14 my parents split up, turns out my dad sexually abused my sister on 4 occasions, which put an end to my worries. Whether or not that was because i realized there were other larger things to worry about than myself i don't know, thats just a theory.
So from the age of 14, i had around 2-3 or so years of not worrying as much and being pretty care free - still 'unaware' that i had a problem years ago, until i reached 17.
When i became 17 in January, the first symptom that came up was obsessional behavior. Now that work was alot harder (in school), i obviously had to work alot harder, but that led me to become very obsessional with my work. This was also brought on by my bad exam results last year, which made me want to change my ways (become more considerate, help around the house, treat myself and others with more respect, etc) and so i did.
But you see i became obsessional in a relaxed way - i denied the fact that i had a problem and considered myself just a hard worker who cares alot about alot of things. I simply thought it was part of my persona. This was until i started getting panic attacks at school - most of them being in morning assembly, which came on by me thinking too much about alot of things and feeling the inability to escape, how i must sit down and listen to announcements and nothing else.
This led me to occasionally leave in assembly, which led others to frown and i just blamed it on the fact that 'i didn't feel too good that morning'. The panic attacks made me feel sick, which would create adrenaline caused by the worry, which would make me feel more sick, and more, and more until i felt i had to stand up and get some air.
Another symptom i got this year was intense paranoia. Now i'm beginning to wonder whether the reason why i tried to 'better' myself after my exam results were because of that, rather than exam results. For some reason i feel as though i am a nuisance - that word isn't even enough. If someone says something at all that could be remotely hurtful - i immediately think that its about me. This year I've tried silencing myself and saying as less words as possible to my friends - simply because i regret and remorse about each word i say - as i feel people hate me to the bone and i feel like each word i say are the worst things i could say.
Finally school ended for the summer - ending in a big assembly that i worried about for days and days. At this point i was still burying the fact that i had a problem - however it was slowly coming to light. My Mother was excited to announce that she had been saving for a trip to New York and that we would all go in a few days - my sister was ecstatic, and so was I - no assembly, therefore no panic attacks... right?
However it didnt go as i had planned. Although it was a mind blowing trip, i couldn't stay out in the city as long as my Mother and Sister. I felt the hateful eyes on me and the uncomfortable feeling that i wasn't at home - and not close at all either. I kept going back to the hotel which was the safest i felt.
At this point i couldn't ignore the fact that i had a problem, and so i accepted it, which didn't really make it any better. We came back and i felt as though i had ruined the trip - despite my Mother telling me i hadn't.
My Mother, concerned at this point, took me to the local doctors so i could speak and get referred to someone that could help.
I waited a week - nothing happened. At this point i started only feeling safe in the house, and found i couldn't go out longer than a few hours.
I went to see the same doctor again, and told her that it wasn't getting any better, and so she sent an urgent request to the CAMH clinic (Child and Adolescent Mental Health), who booked an appointment for me on August the 5th.
I went there and told the lady of my problems and she said she needed a second opinion and i would have to wait a little.
2 weeks and no call later, i called in to the same doctor, who said she would try to get in touch with CAMH again.
Since then the doctor has been ill so i haven't been able to call her or do anything. I've got school in less than 1 week and 3 days and i'm fidgeting, sweating, and crying myself to sleep because i am FUCKED as i can barely leave the house for fear of publicly humiliating myself - let alone go to school and learn.
I can't stop moving, my heart is racing, and although this sounds incredibly exaggerated and typical of a teenager, but i feel as though there is a big reason why i should be anxious, nervous and worrying all the time. But it is invisible. I feel as though it is a part of my persona.
I want to take anything to feel better, and although i am quite logical at times and view suicide as a stupid way of dealing with problems, it is dangerous how comforting it is starting to look.
I feel as though the doctors are trying to ignore my calls, and everytime i try to explain how anxious i am to my mother, she simply thinks i'm normal and simply exaggerating - which doesn't help what i should be thinking. I don't know what to think - do i have an anxiety disorder? Or do i just have an active mind? I don't know.
So, if you've read this far thank you again - you are a very nice to have read so much of my problem, but what should i do? Should i take time off school to deal with this agoraphobia and mix of problems? I just want some doctor to tell me what is wrong with me so i can live life without a fucking question mark over my head constantly.
I need to wait till Tuesday until i can call the doctors again (bank holiday Monday) which leaves a week and 1 days from school - even less time. Help.
Thanks and hope you can give some suggestions - feels good to have written this down and i wait patiently for your responses.