Lilac
05-30-2015, 07:01 AM
Hi all
This is a long post, but I hope someone takes time to read it:)
It's been a while since my last post here - lots of things have happened to me and my general fear uncertainty and not being in control of EVERYthing in my life is now becoming worse than ever.
I've stumbled upon several challenges since fall last year. First my boyfriend of eight years broke up with me. I was sad yes, but not because I'd lost him. I've known for the past two years that our relationship had reached a dead-end.
In late January I met a new guy who's now my boyfriend. He is wonderful, though very different from me. He has had quite a few struggles in his life too. But he is a very healthy man, he is beyond nice to me, he was also in a relationship for many years before me so he has a lot of experience with that, and we have a good time together.
But entering a new relationship in my state of mind has turned out to be extremely difficult. I have been with the same guy since I was 16-17 years old, and now, as an adult I'm entering a new relationship. Due to his work he is out of town a lot, and it takes longer for us to really get to know each other. And I have huge trust issues, I am a control freak, extremely scared of the uncertain, which makes relationship hard because I am always afraid his feelings for me will fade away, that he will cheat on me and I will not find out, etc. I can't control other people's thoughts, feelings or behaviour, and it makes me INSANE!
Here comes the point: I hate feeling uncertain, I hate not being in control. Those feelings are so devastating to me and my quality of life, that I have to eliminate them by constantly seeking a confirmation from him that he likes me, wants to see me, that he is only with me, etc. This is, of course, tiring for him. He said to me: "I just can't understand why you can't accept the fact that I want to be with you, I care for you, I want to be with you just as much as you want to be with me. I can't understand why you can't just accept how wonderful you are and why you always think there is something wrong with you". This, in turn, led me to think that he is tired of me and he will leave me soon. You see? New thoughts of uncertainty, more reassurance is needed. So I confront him about that too, asking if he is so tired of me needing his confirmation all the time that he does not want to be with me. It becomes a vicious circle of me always being uncertain of his feelings for me, combined with a constant need to let him now how much I hate dishonesty and infidelity in order to make sure (control) that he always tells me the truth and does not dare to do anything behind my back.
That being said, I have NEVER accused him directly of cheating, and I have never shown him my mistrust. I have hinted, and I think he understands that I am really, really insecure about myself, him and our relationship. That I am insecure about everything in life. But I have never accused him of anything, because I have NO reason to do so. He has treated me wonderfully from day one, and we have had the important talks about relationships. He completely agrees with me when it comes to trust and being faithful, and he said that people who commits adultery once usually don't deserve another chance because they will probably do it again.
I have to trust him, just as he has to trust me. If I choose him, I have to CHOOSE to believe the things that he says. He could also walk around being insecure about me and my feelings all day long, but he doesn't. He sees that I am with him now, and have not said anything about not having feelings for him, so he trust that I want to be with him. He, like most people, assume I would say something if something is wrong. He doesn't need constant reassurance.
I do not mistrust HIM as a person. It is because of my general fear of anything uncertain in life and my extreme need of being in control that I always think that he is doing me wrong somehow. And I would feel the same, no matter what kind of guy I am with. He could be the sweetest guy, like the one I am with now, or a complete jackass - my thoughts and fears of being abandoned, of not being loved, of not being good enough, will always be present.
I am working in cognitive therapy to change my way of thinking, but it is hard. It is very hard. Let me provide you with an example of what I have just described: I start being insecure about his true feelings for me. I convince myself that he does not want me, which in turn leads to thoughts about him wanting to break up or cheat. I convince myself so bad that I disappear from reality. My thoughts become my reality, instead of just being thoughts. All people wonder, every once in a while, about their significant other's thoughts and feelings. But most people don't act on those thoughts - they just let them come and let go. I, on the other hand, can't stand living with fear or thoughts of uncertainty. Because I need control. I need to control myself, my feelings, my thoughts, my life, and preferably other people's thoughts, feelings, and behaviour.
So I have to ask him. I have to eliminate the fear. I am always insecure, and I always have to eliminate that insecurity. I ask him, over and over again about his feelings.
When he has answered me, saying that of course he wants to be with me, that I should stop worry, etc. my fear regarding his feelings disappear. But here's the kicker: it only last for a day or two, then they come back. Reassurance doesn't help in the long run - it only gives me a short break from thoughts of insecurity. Because I am always insecure, no matter ho hard I try to eliminate it. The more I try to eliminate any thoughts on uncertainty, the more insecure I get. And once I have eliminated one thought, my head finds something new to fixate about. Something new for me to be insecure about.
This is extremely exhaustive, and I am so afraid that if I don't stop I will lose this guy as well. No one can stand being with someone who's always insecure. He said to me he is frustrated, not of me or because of me, but because he does not know what he can say or do to convince me of his feelings for me. He wants to do anything to make me understand, but he is lost and does not know what to do.
Things are OK for now, but I am still insecure. My head is working hard to find something new for me to dwell on - it's a self destructive pattern as I don't believe that I deserve to be happy. And it's starting to get to me. A part of me wants to end it all and escape. But I don't want to sacrifice what could be a wonderful relationship with an amazing man, just because of my fear of insecurity. What bothers me also is that he is not perfect either, but he has been honest (which I am not sure he really has, of course. And because I fear the uncertain I feel like I have to ask him if he has truly been honest) about his past and previous choices. I always feel a need to dig more into his past. Everything needs to be analyzed, evaluated, and I need to know EVERYTHING about him.
Yet, he doesn't know all about me. He doesn't know how badly I suffer from anxiety and fear of not being in control. He knows only a fraction. I try as best as I can not to let him know about all of my thoughts and fears, because it is not about HIM. He is not the problem. It is MY problem. He doesn't know about my previous health anxiety, that I have/had eating disorder with bulimic tendencies, that I used to self harm, or that it was mostly my problems that ended my previous relationship. Because I don't want this to define me. He does know that I am anxious, need control, and that I am in therapy. He has been nothing but understanding, but it can only go so far...
I don't know what I want with this post. I feel like the more I talk about it with others (friends and family, for instance) the worse it gets. But I can't help it: I need to let the insecurity out.
This is a long post, but I hope someone takes time to read it:)
It's been a while since my last post here - lots of things have happened to me and my general fear uncertainty and not being in control of EVERYthing in my life is now becoming worse than ever.
I've stumbled upon several challenges since fall last year. First my boyfriend of eight years broke up with me. I was sad yes, but not because I'd lost him. I've known for the past two years that our relationship had reached a dead-end.
In late January I met a new guy who's now my boyfriend. He is wonderful, though very different from me. He has had quite a few struggles in his life too. But he is a very healthy man, he is beyond nice to me, he was also in a relationship for many years before me so he has a lot of experience with that, and we have a good time together.
But entering a new relationship in my state of mind has turned out to be extremely difficult. I have been with the same guy since I was 16-17 years old, and now, as an adult I'm entering a new relationship. Due to his work he is out of town a lot, and it takes longer for us to really get to know each other. And I have huge trust issues, I am a control freak, extremely scared of the uncertain, which makes relationship hard because I am always afraid his feelings for me will fade away, that he will cheat on me and I will not find out, etc. I can't control other people's thoughts, feelings or behaviour, and it makes me INSANE!
Here comes the point: I hate feeling uncertain, I hate not being in control. Those feelings are so devastating to me and my quality of life, that I have to eliminate them by constantly seeking a confirmation from him that he likes me, wants to see me, that he is only with me, etc. This is, of course, tiring for him. He said to me: "I just can't understand why you can't accept the fact that I want to be with you, I care for you, I want to be with you just as much as you want to be with me. I can't understand why you can't just accept how wonderful you are and why you always think there is something wrong with you". This, in turn, led me to think that he is tired of me and he will leave me soon. You see? New thoughts of uncertainty, more reassurance is needed. So I confront him about that too, asking if he is so tired of me needing his confirmation all the time that he does not want to be with me. It becomes a vicious circle of me always being uncertain of his feelings for me, combined with a constant need to let him now how much I hate dishonesty and infidelity in order to make sure (control) that he always tells me the truth and does not dare to do anything behind my back.
That being said, I have NEVER accused him directly of cheating, and I have never shown him my mistrust. I have hinted, and I think he understands that I am really, really insecure about myself, him and our relationship. That I am insecure about everything in life. But I have never accused him of anything, because I have NO reason to do so. He has treated me wonderfully from day one, and we have had the important talks about relationships. He completely agrees with me when it comes to trust and being faithful, and he said that people who commits adultery once usually don't deserve another chance because they will probably do it again.
I have to trust him, just as he has to trust me. If I choose him, I have to CHOOSE to believe the things that he says. He could also walk around being insecure about me and my feelings all day long, but he doesn't. He sees that I am with him now, and have not said anything about not having feelings for him, so he trust that I want to be with him. He, like most people, assume I would say something if something is wrong. He doesn't need constant reassurance.
I do not mistrust HIM as a person. It is because of my general fear of anything uncertain in life and my extreme need of being in control that I always think that he is doing me wrong somehow. And I would feel the same, no matter what kind of guy I am with. He could be the sweetest guy, like the one I am with now, or a complete jackass - my thoughts and fears of being abandoned, of not being loved, of not being good enough, will always be present.
I am working in cognitive therapy to change my way of thinking, but it is hard. It is very hard. Let me provide you with an example of what I have just described: I start being insecure about his true feelings for me. I convince myself that he does not want me, which in turn leads to thoughts about him wanting to break up or cheat. I convince myself so bad that I disappear from reality. My thoughts become my reality, instead of just being thoughts. All people wonder, every once in a while, about their significant other's thoughts and feelings. But most people don't act on those thoughts - they just let them come and let go. I, on the other hand, can't stand living with fear or thoughts of uncertainty. Because I need control. I need to control myself, my feelings, my thoughts, my life, and preferably other people's thoughts, feelings, and behaviour.
So I have to ask him. I have to eliminate the fear. I am always insecure, and I always have to eliminate that insecurity. I ask him, over and over again about his feelings.
When he has answered me, saying that of course he wants to be with me, that I should stop worry, etc. my fear regarding his feelings disappear. But here's the kicker: it only last for a day or two, then they come back. Reassurance doesn't help in the long run - it only gives me a short break from thoughts of insecurity. Because I am always insecure, no matter ho hard I try to eliminate it. The more I try to eliminate any thoughts on uncertainty, the more insecure I get. And once I have eliminated one thought, my head finds something new to fixate about. Something new for me to be insecure about.
This is extremely exhaustive, and I am so afraid that if I don't stop I will lose this guy as well. No one can stand being with someone who's always insecure. He said to me he is frustrated, not of me or because of me, but because he does not know what he can say or do to convince me of his feelings for me. He wants to do anything to make me understand, but he is lost and does not know what to do.
Things are OK for now, but I am still insecure. My head is working hard to find something new for me to dwell on - it's a self destructive pattern as I don't believe that I deserve to be happy. And it's starting to get to me. A part of me wants to end it all and escape. But I don't want to sacrifice what could be a wonderful relationship with an amazing man, just because of my fear of insecurity. What bothers me also is that he is not perfect either, but he has been honest (which I am not sure he really has, of course. And because I fear the uncertain I feel like I have to ask him if he has truly been honest) about his past and previous choices. I always feel a need to dig more into his past. Everything needs to be analyzed, evaluated, and I need to know EVERYTHING about him.
Yet, he doesn't know all about me. He doesn't know how badly I suffer from anxiety and fear of not being in control. He knows only a fraction. I try as best as I can not to let him know about all of my thoughts and fears, because it is not about HIM. He is not the problem. It is MY problem. He doesn't know about my previous health anxiety, that I have/had eating disorder with bulimic tendencies, that I used to self harm, or that it was mostly my problems that ended my previous relationship. Because I don't want this to define me. He does know that I am anxious, need control, and that I am in therapy. He has been nothing but understanding, but it can only go so far...
I don't know what I want with this post. I feel like the more I talk about it with others (friends and family, for instance) the worse it gets. But I can't help it: I need to let the insecurity out.