Anxiety and Long Term Relationships

[Bridget Goddard]

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[Goomba]

My experience is kind of in the opposite.

I was the partner who didn't experience anxiety, and my girlfriend had very intense anxiety.

Eventually my anxiety was out of control.

What is the issue in your relationship? I may be able to add some insight from the side of what it's like to enter a relationship with someone who is battling heavy anxiety.

[BrookeLynnnn]

My experience with anxiety & dating is, it never works out long term for me. I was with someone for 3 years but my anxiety didn't start til after we started dating & it wasn't as bad then.

Now, I can't date because going out with someone I really don't know or I'm comfortable with, makes me anxious. I try & we date for a couple weeks but then I pull away when they wanna venture out & do things far from home.

Most guys don't understand either. Well not the ones I date. & then if they say they understand, I feel bad because I feel like I'm making them suffer with me.

[Bridget Goddard]

I can totally relate. I'm sorry that's your experience-- for what it's worth, I hope that will change for you soon.

[BrookeLynnnn]

I can totally relate. I'm sorry that's your experience-- for what it's worth, I hope that will change for you soon.

Thanks me too! But for now, I'm single & 8 months prego! Lol

[mrslizzyg]

This has been a big part of my relationship..

I didn't notice my anxiety really before I got married. When I did get married I made a lot of drastic changes: got married at 18 for starters, moved away to a state I had never been to away from all my friends and family, then I couldn't find a job, my car ended up giving out on me.. So I spent about 6 months stuck in an apartment while my husband worked 12 hour days so we could stay on our feet.

That's when it all started for me.. I think I have a lot of past deep rooted issues from my childhood that caused my anxiety issues, but I think it took a drastic event for it to come out. I haven't been the same since.. =/

At first, my husband was very kind and understanding about it all. After a while, he started to withdrawal and got tired of "dealing" with it. He didn't understand it AT ALL. After 4 years I finally separated from him because we just kept getting pulled farther and farther apart( a lot of other factors besides just my anxiety of course, but that's the topic I'm on here...) The more he drifted away, the worse my anxiety got.. the worst my anxiety was, the more we fought.

About 6 months ago we got back together. He came to me with a completely different attitude and outlook on my anxiety. He finally understood it.

Now, it's gotten a lot better. Does my anxiety effect our relationship still? Absolutely. But we've learned how to read each other and communicate better. I don't let my anxiety drag him down, and he doesn't let it put a wedge between us. We can't hold grudges against each other because it just causes more anxiety and issues with out relationship. We got in a big fight? Ok. Did we fix the issue? If yes, let it go.. don't keep wallowing in the argument. If no? Come to a mutual agreement... or agree to disagree if you can, and again, let it go..
I'm feeling uncomfortable at an outing? It is NOT his responsibility to make me feel better. If he wants to help me feel more comfortable, that's great! But I am responsible for how I feel and I can't drag him into my mindset. That WILL make things worse..

Sorry, I'm kind of rambling.. anyways.. my point being, it takes a lot more work(I feel like) to be in a relationship like this.. But I think you can figure it out and it can be worth it. Patience is a virtue... :) both parties have to always strive to do better.

[Goomba]

I think anxiety exists in everyone. But, no, I didn't have any glaring predispositions to the out of control anxiety. Like I said, however, I think under the right circumstances, and with enough self reflection/awareness, anyone can begin to experience heavy amounts of anxiety.

She had a lot of social anxiety as well. Going out anywhere was a feat. I approached it from compassion, rather than worry, and would always try to help her. Not to say that your boyfriend isn't compassionate - just that I never really worried about her in that sense.

I can go into as much detail as your interested in, but long story short she ended up making huge strides with her anxiety. Today she has minimal to no amounts, is very social, has a job delivering children, is happy, she's doing great.

Somewhere along the way, however, I accepted a part of that anxious lifestyle. Is was as if she transitioned out of her anxiety, I noticed mine beginning. It started innocently enough, but eventually consumed me. Again, I can go into more detail if you'd like...

But, to stay on par with your posts - I don't regret that anxious period at all. In those years I learned a tremendous amount about myself, and it has made me who I am today. Neither of us battle anxiety in a crippling way anymore. Mine lingers around some - but just as a reminder that I need to keep growing. I actually am grateful for that part of myself. I think it offers a lot of insight (the anxiety).

In summary, though we had many rough years, we were both able to grow as a unit. In the moment, it was bad. In the long term, it was something beautiful. That sounds poetic - but it's just how it was. We are in a really good place now, and I don't think we could have gotten to where we are without the struggle of anxiety.

[mrslizzyg]

Mrslizzyg, goomba:

Both of your experiences are valuable incites, thank you. I guess ultimately if a relationship is meant to be it will last through the difficult times.

It is pretty difficult when a partner is unable to empathize- not to mention anxiety is so consuming it's difficult to see through the mucky muck and understand how difficult it must be to be a partner of someone suffering.
I have a difficult time allowing people to see me at my worst. It isn't pretty. I want to improve for myself and my loved ones. It feels like I've tried everything. At this point, I'm just trying to stay relatively positive.

I think the best part about this was you saying you want to improve yourself, for you and your loved ones. It is so important to always try and do better.. You need to remember that you are a great person who just struggles with something.

I think the second you don't want to try anymore and you let the anxiety take over it when you will fail at a relationship, or even at anything important in life. :)

[jessed03]

I was with a girl I cared for very much when my anxiety struck me.

She held on (just) through much of it, but it just became too much for her in the end. I think it was a good thing she did break it off, at least as far as my mental health is concerned. I was adding so much secondary anxiety to my problem by being with her. There were sometimes tense moments when I knew I wasn't making her 100% happy. I knew even though she was really nice about the anxiety thing, she felt trapped with me in a way. She felt, even if she didn't admit it, that she was limited.

When we broke up I knew I could dedicate all of my time and energy to getting better. I took a deep look inside and changed things I couldn't change while in a relationship.

I don't meet many who have anxiety and make relationships work. Well, unless they're 10 years married and have kids. It's very hard to do. Not the positivity you were looking for, but I want you to know you're not alone in feeling as you do.

Hope it works out for you. Some people do make it!

[NixonRulz]

I was with a girl I cared for very much when my anxiety struck me.

She held on (just) through much of it, but it just became too much for her in the end. I think it was a good thing she did break it off, at least as far as my mental health is concerned. I was adding so much secondary anxiety to my problem by being with her. There were sometimes tense moments when I knew I wasn't making her 100% happy. I knew even though she was really nice about the anxiety thing, she felt trapped with me in a way. She felt, even if she didn't admit it, that she was limited.

When we broke up I knew I could dedicate all of my time and energy to getting better. I took a deep look inside and changed things I couldn't change while in a relationship.

I don't meet many who have anxiety and make relationships work. Well, unless they're 10 years married and have kids. It's very hard to do. Not the positivity you were looking for, but I want you to know you're not alone in feeling as you do.

Hope it works out for you. Some people do make it!

Speaking of people who made it, Dick Nixon floats on in da house!

I was at my worst whilst I was with my bride. I hid things for a bit of time and she thought I was having an affair when I finally spilled my guts to her

So I completely agree with Jesse that in most cases, unless you are with that person for quite a while, a relationship can slow the healing since you give so much concern to how your partner is feeling.

You need to be your focus without distractions in most cases during the healing process if possible

I also believe that each person is unique and there are exceptions to most rules

However you belive will bring you the quickest recovery is the way you should take this path

[Goomba]

I think in the end it's about what the relationship means to you.

Is it for fun? Is it to have a sense of worth? Is is the development of a deep companionship?

Any serious relationship takes work, and all have their episodes of anxiety and despair - though not everyone will admit that.

If it something that will help you grow over your lifetime, better off dealing with it now, than later.

There were definitely points where I didn't want to deal with it anymore. But, I'm glad I did.

That being said, if he isn't supportive of you, I fully agree that you need time just for you to heal.

[NixonRulz]

I'm so happy that I joined this forum.
You guys are gems.
I generally think of myself as kind of damaged, but knowing that you all suffer from anxiety and have such worthwhile advice and appear to be such compassionate human beings I really feel like there is hope for me and that maybe I've been kind of hard on myself.
I'm always a work in progress, as is everyone-- but this short experience with you all so far has been really enlightening.

I'm so glad you are here. You add a bit of the motorcycle gang take on things with your tattoos

Keep posting and being you!

[superchick22684]

Are most of you who are dating with a partner that doesn't suffer from anxiety?
How do you find it affects your relationship and how do you cope?
I've had a rough run of things with my boyfriend as of late and I think some incite and perspective would be helpful for myself, and all of us really.

Anxiety and dating...hmm. Well when I first developed anxiety I ended up dating someone for five years. Wasn't the best relationship though we both had our issues (my issues: anxiety and depression; his issues: ocd). If anything the fact that we both had issues made things more complicated but at times it was nice that he understood what was going on.

I did have a relationship go sour because of anxiety though. It only lasted a few months and he just didn't understand what was going on so he dumped me. His loss.

I've been with my current boyfriend for a little over 2 years now. He doesn't have anxiety but the guy seriously has the patience of a saint. He's seriously stuck with me through some really difficult stuff. I think what affects the relationship the most is sometimes my anxiety/depression will get bad and we'll have a disagreement and because of the state of mind I'm in something minor can turn into a huge disagreement really quickly. How I cope is that if I think that something is going to end up going that way I'll hit the brakes on the conversation and let myself cool off. Currently I'm having a lot of problems going out and doing things socially and its affecting the relationship because I feel like I'm letting him down. It sucks not being able to go out and do things without feeling overwhelmed with anxiety.

[gypsylee]

Relationships simply add to my problems and anxiety. I'm not joking - I dumped two guys last year alone because they just gave me grief.

[Bridget Goddard]

Anxiety and dating...hmm. Well when I first developed anxiety I ended up dating someone for five years. Wasn't the best relationship though we both had our issues (my issues: anxiety and depression; his issues: ocd). If anything the fact that we both had issues made things more complicated but at times it was nice that he understood what was going on.

I did have a relationship go sour because of anxiety though. It only lasted a few months and he just didn't understand what was going on so he dumped me. His loss.

I've been with my current boyfriend for a little over 2 years now. He doesn't have anxiety but the guy seriously has the patience of a saint. He's seriously stuck with me through some really difficult stuff. I think what affects the relationship the most is sometimes my anxiety/depression will get bad and we'll have a disagreement and because of the state of mind I'm in something minor can turn into a huge disagreement really quickly. How I cope is that if I think that something is going to end up going that way I'll hit the brakes on the conversation and let myself cool off. Currently I'm having a lot of problems going out and doing things socially and its affecting the relationship because I feel like I'm letting him down. It sucks not being able to go out and do things without feeling overwhelmed with anxiety.

I can relate. A lot of the times it's exponentially easier to stay in with my dogs and a book and just not worry about what is going on outside. But to a certain extent I do feel like I am missing out at times, and I definitely realize it affects my relationship as well. Even if I wasn't anxious, I'm still an introvert and a tend to be a homebody if it involves anything other than being in nature (away from people-- go figure) and my partner is very social and derives energy FROM socializing. So, the combination of anxiety and introvert can be a real doozy.

You sound like you have the wherewithal to succeed and live a happy life with your boyfriend.
I hope you go relatively easy on yourself when you're feeling stressed.

And I hope I can help you all as much as you've already helped me.

[Bridget Goddard]

I'm not normally such a cornball, either.
I've reread some of my posts and I gross myself out with all the gushing I've done.
But I mean it! SO.

[Goomba]

I'm not normally such a cornball, either. I've reread some of my posts and I gross myself out with all the gushing I've done. But I mean it! SO.

It's important to express YOU.

Never be ashamed of who you are.

You're not broken, or destroyed - at least not in a way that makes you not good enough, or unworthy.

We all have to figure out how to put our puzzle back together every now and then. Everytime it gets harder, but the end result is that much more awesome.

I'm really hard on myself too. So, I can relate to that. Even after I figure out how to not be hard on myself, I end up reverting back to it. That's something I'm currently working on.

[Bridget Goddard]

Can I be a whiner for a moment?

I'm having a tough time this weekend.

My boyfriend and I seem like we are on the outs or at least experiencing some serious turbulence.
I'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination but it is not my goal to paint him the bad guy either. I will say the source of our anguish is derived from A) my anxiety and B) his inability to empathize. He has a tough time with emotions-- in general, and I think that it is safe to say that even if I did not have anxiety we would have some problems communicating our feelings due to the fact that he seems almost entirely incapable of doing so.
Sometimes it's like talking at a brick wall. When I attempt to explain how I am feeling or even ask him to explain how he might be, he will literally stare at me and say nothing. His explanation is that it takes him longer to process and understand his emotions. OK, fair. Still it is frustrating.

Flash forward to this thursday. After a shitty week, (one where he got drunk and threatened to break up with me if I wouldn't listen to his drunken ranting- I told him considering his state we really ought to wait to talk about whatever was bothering him-- because I didn't feel anything constructive or healthy could come from an escalating drunken fight) I was to fly out to san diego to visit my sister. I was really looking forward to this trip, to have some down time and to see my nephew and some friends. Long story short I managed to lose my drivers license and did not discover this until late the evening before my flight. I had a meltdown. I cried and frantically searched my apartment and then proceeded to retrace my steps and scour the city for it. No dice. He was witness to all of this. I told him at one point I wouldn't blame him if he wanted to leave seeing as I was not at my best. He interpreted that as rejection and that I wanted him to "Get away."

Long story short, I missed my flight, trip down the tubes and my boyfriend isn't speaking to me. I haven't reach out to him either but only because I think it might be good to have some space and considering how distraught I've been feeling it seems wise to lay low.

The toughest part is that I am experiencing some agoraphobia. Despite missing my flight I still have the time off and I feel like I am wasting it inside but I'm also feeling too stressed to make any real effort otherwise. I'm not sure what I'm trying to achieve by posting this, perhaps I am just venting.

Sorry for being so long-winded.

[NixonRulz]

Can I be a whiner for a moment?

I'm having a tough time this weekend.

My boyfriend and I seem like we are on the outs or at least experiencing some serious turbulence.
I'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination but it is not my goal to paint him the bad guy either. I will say the source of our anguish is derived from A) my anxiety and B) his inability to empathize. He has a tough time with emotions-- in general, and I think that it is safe to say that even if I did not have anxiety we would have some problems communicating our feelings due to the fact that he seems almost entirely incapable of doing so.
Sometimes it's like talking at a brick wall. When I attempt to explain how I am feeling or even ask him to explain how he might be, he will literally stare at me and say nothing. His explanation is that it takes him longer to process and understand his emotions. OK, fair. Still it is frustrating.

Flash forward to this thursday. After a shitty week, (one where he got drunk and threatened to break up with me if I wouldn't listen to his drunken ranting- I told him considering his state we really ought to wait to talk about whatever was bothering him-- because I didn't feel anything constructive or healthy could come from an escalating drunken fight) I was to fly out to san diego to visit my sister. I was really looking forward to this trip, to have some down time and to see my nephew and some friends. Long story short I managed to lose my drivers license and did not discover this until late the evening before my flight. I had a meltdown. I cried and frantically searched my apartment and then proceeded to retrace my steps and scour the city for it. No dice. He was witness to all of this. I told him at one point I wouldn't blame him if he wanted to leave seeing as I was not at my best. He interpreted that as rejection and that I wanted him to "Get away."

Long story short, I missed my flight, trip down the tubes and my boyfriend isn't speaking to me. I haven't reach out to him either but only because I think it might be good to have some space and considering how distraught I've been feeling it seems wise to lay low.

The toughest part is that I am experiencing some agoraphobia. Despite missing my flight I still have the time off and I feel like I am wasting it inside but I'm also feeling too stressed to make any real effort otherwise. I'm not sure what I'm trying to achieve by posting this, perhaps I am just venting.

Sorry for being so long-winded.

Ain't love grand?

Regarding his lack of empathy, it's not just him, its most people

Think about how hard it must be for someone to understand how out of nowhere you feel like you are being chased by an ax murderer. Rational thinking would tell them to tell you do just not think that as if it is an option

I don't know if you are or aren't with the right person. That is your decision but I do believe that if you are going to be with someone for the long term, they will accept most anything about you as long as your not a crack addict or banging a bunch of other people

You know how hard this anxiety is on you and you are well aware of it and understand. He doesn't understand how someone can feel that way and feels helpless to save you from something he can't see, much less comprehend

When you both have clearer heads you will be able to work out the issues your relationship has if you both are committed

I hope today has been a better day