trying to be optimistic

[edgy75]

I'm a 40 y/o male. I've had GAD all of my life, but between going through a divorce, some serious financial issues, issues at work, I hit a brick wall. I was pulled off my safety-sensitive job to be seen by a doctor where I opened up about my panic issues which had gotten continually worse. I'm lucky to have plenty of leave time, but I tend to worry if I'll ever get better. It wasn't too long ago that I'd be wide awake for days on end worried that I was going crazy. Because there was an incident that prompted the visit to the doctor, I was in complete fear that I was going to be fired. Because it involved a drug test, I was convinced that I was on drugs and recklessly cause the incident.

I go back in for a follow-up on Friday, hoping to be cleared to go back to work. There's only so much healing that can be done sitting idle at home. I try to stay active, but worrying about my anxiety has been my default state. I was even offered a second job and I'm beating myself up for not being able to take it - I need to get right again for my first job. Even though a lot of my anxiety was from fear of going completely broke from not having a second job. I'm still trying to forgive myself for letting my anxiety get this far out of control.

I've been lonely too. Part of what set me off was moving back into my house after a 2 year divorce process. The house was left looking like a foreclosure. The stuff she was supposed to leave for me was taken, which comprised of the lion's share of my worldly possessions. I was completely devastated. Everyone had a life and even friends and family need their space after a while.

I'm also trying to realize that I didn't get fired and my last major meltdown ended up with me not even getting in trouble. I'm trying to let the second job slide because I need to focus on my healing and take one step at a time. I can always re-apply, and it shouldn't be the only second job offer I ever get. I do have a new roommate moving in this weekend. She is my age and is in a similar life-stage, even suffers from anxiety too. We've really been hitting it off. I look forward to not being in this big empty house all by myself any more.

I just need some reassurance, I guess.

[gypsylee]

Hey and welcome :)

Sounds like you've been going through a rough time. I'm a similar age and been through that sort of thing a while back and the drama hasn't really stopped lol. I've had to learn to accept things as they come rather than trying to keep such a tight grip on everything. It's an awesome skill to have - acceptance - because life never goes to plan. Acceptance of oneself is also very important and you sound like you're pretty hard on yourself. So take it easy!

All the best,
Gypsy x

[edgy75]

I'm trying hard to be easier, I just feel SO alone going through this process. When all I hear are my own thoughts, they can be pretty destructive.

[gypsylee]

Oh I get that. Which is why it's a really good idea to talk to other people about it :)

[edgy75]

It is about all I can do. It is hard to find them though unless they also suffer from the same problem. On here is about the best I can do other than my therapist.

[Kuma]

A divorce, job issues, financial pressures, and pre-existing GAD..... Anyone in that position would be feeling some pain. Don't be too hard on yourself. Time will heal some of this. The roommate is probably a good thing. Loneliness is tough. Hopefully you won't let your anxiety and your roommate's anxiety "feed on one another." But instead lift each other up, and understand each other. It is hard to understand anxiety if you have not been there. Talking with some people here can help. Most of us have been through some similar things.

[gypsylee]

It is about all I can do. It is hard to find them though unless they also suffer from the same problem. On here is about the best I can do other than my therapist.

There are some great people here (and not so great) and we're all familiar with anxiety. I actually just read posts for about a year whenever I felt really alone with my anxiety. It's so important to have support with this because anxiety feeds off isolation. So stick around.

:)

[kdg.supermom]

I am sorry you are dealing with this. I think it is awesome you want to focus on your healing and take things one step at a time. I commend you for that, I can imagine it was hard giving up your jobs. Try not to be so hard on yourself, it sounds like you are pretty good at making the right decisions to pull things together and get it under control. Keep doing all the positive things you are doing!

I am believing good things are to come!

kdgsupermom