New Here-Looking for Support

[momfirst]

Hello Everyone. I always read these boards here and there when my anxiety was flaring up but this is my first experience sharing anything. The following may seem silly to have anxiety over but this is for sure one of the worst times of my life. I know things will get better in time but right now it's pretty bad.

My daughter has wanted a puppy for a long time. Finally got her one Friday night and had to return it yesterday. I feel absolutely awful. The dog was wonderful and for the short time we had it we spoiled it rotten. I didn't expect much help from my kids but by yesterday they didn't really want to do much which I get...they are kids. My husband went golfing which I said was fine but deep down I wish he stayed home to help and support me. Anyway my anxiety over doing everything right with the puppy while maintaining my role as Mom and general head of household got to be too much. I haven't slept well in a week anticipating the puppy and eating has been here and there so mentally and physically I wasn't and still isn't my best. I feel awful. I know the dog is in a wonderful place back with the foster who said she would probably keep her because she is so sweet. My daughter seems ok but I am so worried I screwed her up. I typically carry the weight of the world on my shoulders so this adding to it is causing me to breakdown.

I know it seems stupid and I don't need any judgements about the dog. Trust me its in a good place. I am just so surprised at my physical and mental reaction to a pet. In the past I have had anxiety and recently went off Lexapro after 4 years. I am not going back on and do believe I can get through this. I just need someone to talk to other than friends and family that are either judging me or telling me to get over it.

Thank you in advance.

[Kuma]

Welcome to the Forum. No judgments here about returning the dog. Who are we to judge you? In any event, YOU are much more important than the dog. My guess is the anxiety you are feeling does not really relate to the dog. Or at least not solely to the dog. You say you tend to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. And it sounds like the stuff that nobody else in the household feels like doing falls on you. I guess you are really dedicated to your kid (all I have to see is the name you use here!) and to your husband, and you want it all to be perfect, and that can cause or exacerbate anxiety. Trying to do it all great is stressful. I hope this does not feel like I am analyzing or diagnosing you. I would not presume to do those things. It is just what I take from your post -- filtered, of course, through my own experience (which we all do).

I think you should become "person-first". Mom is a super important role, of course. But you matter too. You are not simply a tool that is supposed to make sure everyone else's life runs great and everything in the house gets done. Sure you have responsibilities and they matter. But you matter too. A lot. So if the dog causes you undue stress, then it is a reasonable decision to leave the dog with another family that will take good care of it. (The fact that having a dog might not cause some other person stress is irrelevant; we are all different). And if you need others in your family to take some more responsibilities (consistent with their abilities), or you need some time to relax, or whatever, you should make sure you get that. Because you are "person first." (And if you are happier and more relaxed, it will probably make you a more fun wife and a better mom -- though I am sure you are really good at these things already).

Best wishes.

[momfirst]

Thank you Kuma for responding. I am sure my situation isn't as dire as others and i was afraid people would think my "puppy problem" was stupid. Trust me I have had my anxiety problems over the years but typically I am on meds so I get through it. You are so right about my username....it's funny, that's the first thing that popped into my mind. I do tend to want everything perfect which stems from my non-perfect upbringing. My parents divorced when I was 4 and my mom didn't want me so I lived with my Dad. Hence why I try to be the perfect Mom. I guess because I am a stay at home mom aside from some part time work at a preschool I feel I don't deserve an identity. I am the youngest of 4 girls and tend to take on any and all family drama since I am the only one that talks to all members of the family. Anyway I greatly appreciate your kind words. It's so nice to have an outsider's opinion. Hopefully in time this flare up will pass and I can focus on being healthy for me and not just for everyone around me.

[Kuma]

My parents were divorced and I lived with my dad too. But I was somewhat older when my parents divorced. The fact that you are a stay-at-home mom does not mean you don't deserve your own identity. Indeed, it might mean you need one more than if you had a job outside the home (since that would naturally provide a sort of separate identity).

My wife is a stay at home mom and I think it is really important for her to focus on her separate identity, rather than becoming "nothing but mom." Being "mom" is huge -- but being yourself is really important too.

Make sure you take some time every week for yourself. I can't say "doctor's orders" because I am not a doctor. But let's just say "highly recommended by some random guy on the internet!"