First time post

[DemonMaurader]

Thought I would try posting here, as i can't sleep regardless, maybe this will help maybe it won't not sure but its worth a try.

I'm just going to post my thoughts without trying to get too emotional,

So basically I have had an anxiety depressive bi-polar issue for as long as I can remember. When i was twelve years old i would miss out many days on school and cry for hours the night before school as well. It's pretty much been the same ever since and now I'm twenty years old. What happens is my brain keeps yelling things at me (mostly negative) and I just can't sleep, even on prescription sleep medications when I did try them. I believe my Insomnia goes hand and hand with my anxiety/depression/bi polar.

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I have tried killing myself four times, one time was so serious I was hospitalized on an overdose on some painkiller medication and was forced to drink charcoal. I wasn't conscious so i don't exactly remember the details, but for some reason this didn't phase me, i felt nothing emotional about this event even though I scared the shit out of my whole family and friends. It just didn't seem to phase me, it's like it never happened even though I think about it everyday, anyways I don't want to get into the details too much . Another time i wrapped an electrical cord around my neck and strangled myself, than proceeded to cut the cord (which was still plugged in the outlet) and caused and electrical explosion and still have scars from it. I just feel like I will never understand why I did these things to myself and not have any regret.

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Another topic i wanted to discuss was self-pitty. I feel this is what happens constantly when you have anxiety depression or whatever you want to call it. I think of things everyday that people said to me five, six, seven years ago and most of them are either negative things about appearance or my personality. I'm not sure if this is a normal thing that other people do as-well, i don't know i'm just confused on what to think of myself in this fast moving world.... It's like I can't keep up with everyone else my Age.

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Starting to get a little emotional now before i sink into an attack I will just post, thanks for anyone who listened

[Im-Suffering]

If you could just 'get' how deeply loved you are. The problem is often times not by those closest to you. Since these are the people you see everyday, you begin to think everyone is that way. Conditioned through repetetive unloving and unkind experiences, you believe you are of little value.

Now, the world is a big place filled with many people. And so it would be foolish to think they were all like the small circle of influence in your immediate surroundings.

Truth is more than 90% of the world would love you.

You just need to let yourself live long enough to find and exerience them and your life.

The people who force fed you charcoal for example. They dont do it for the money, but because you are valued.

Go out and find yourself. Make your own life. Find who you are without the fear of people. Remember it was only a select few that made you feel badly. Merely the shit end of the stick. But you are never stuck, you see.

When you are on your own, expect the best. Look for the love and kindness in others and thats what youll find. This is paramount in how you will experience life. Because you literally get what you expect. So take a look at your conscious expectations. If they are negative, dont fear, for you are much more than your thoughts, you have thoughts, and so you can change them.

Never forget that. You can change them. Find who you want to be. Forget what they wanted. They were wrong.

Your feelings are numb because of the abuse. But i say forgive and forget. But remember the love that day when the charcoal saved your life. Those people are representative of what you will meet in the world.

Love and kindness. Just like what you are receiving right here, right now. So you must be worth it, do you understand?