HIV fear!!!

[Reece_320]

hello! I am a 23 year old male. I come from a good family, I have been brought up very well. I have a good job working with my dad for his own small business. Not soo much now but I use to be extremely sporty and active, I use to play football, boxing, all which I was really good at ;-) but one day I noticed something on my body back in 2013 and I googled it and I come across hiv which I knew nothing about but understood the serverity of the disease. As I looked into it more I become certain that I had it! Since then I have had 3 blood tests all which have come back negative. But, the thing is I do like the girls and I do play around a lot. I live alone and have done since 2012. When I'm laying in bed at night or sitting in my front room watching tv I am bombarded with the thoughts that I have hiv! It scares me that much I am just a complete wreck. Every day I am checking lymph node glands to see if they are swollen, and spots bumps or rashes on my skin. Any weird sort of blemishes on my face. Always looking in the mirror to see if I have lost weight. Scared to go to the toilet in case I have diarrhoea. Scared of being sick or even feeling sick. Checking how fast cuts heal. When I do generally feel ill I am terrified! My whole life is like one big check up to see if I have this disease!! I have headaches and dizzy spells often. A general sense of feeling unwell. Terrible sleeping patterns due to anxiety from the worry of this like waking up at all different time of the night at several times. I am living in fear! Last year I caught gonorrhoea of a nasty girl. I was such a wreck that I thought I could of caught hiv too. I had the blood tests done but they were negative. But I still feared it and doubted the results. I haven't had a test since and I am terrified of having it done due to hearing the dreaded thought of being told I have this incurable disease. When I hear it mentioned on tv I am even afraid!! I seem to feel more ill nowadays than I ever have done in my life now! Dizzy frequently. Catch colds often. General sense of feeling unwell. I pray to God that something or someone helps me with this anxiety as it is tearing me to pieces. I am just a young boy and I want children one day and a family but who wants to be with someone who could have this disease. I don't even like saying it its that bad!! Everyday of my life for the past 2 years I have been a wreck. I have even forced girls to get check ups because I thought they could have it just for my own piece of mind. I am like a big coward. Overall these thoughts can also make me very angry that I think them. Also it makes me angry that this disease exists in a country like the United Kingdom a 1st class country. With our open door immigration policies we don't know who is coming over and what they are bringing over with them.!! I always think I about how I would be if I had that. I pretty much believe I have this virus now!! It's a killer people. I'm not even at work today because of the fear!! Someone please help me and I hope I haven't offended anyone!!!

[sae]

Uh oh... sae is about to get on her HIV soap box.
A little personal background about me: I was married to and had a kid by someone that was HIV+. Admittedly he was douche about the whole thing and didn't tell me until AFTER I was pregnant and the ink had dried on the marriage certificate.
He had picked it up from shooting heroin almost 10 years before I met him. He was a part of my life for an additional 10. He was so damned lucky I can't even explain it. He took his meds when he felt like it yet always had an undetectable viral load. Neither the kid nor I ever contracted it.
He didn't have skin lesions, nor did he look any particular way with the exception of a small fatty deposit on the base of his neck caused by the funky protease inhibitors to those with HIV back in the 90's. He was fortunate.
I often went with him to his appointments at the Ryan White Clinic and just looking around the waiting room made me realize how lucky he was. I had many conversations with people whose HIV had passed the latency stage and entered into AIDS and it was hell for them. Constantly sick, pale, thin wraiths, grey and fragile like spun glass. Just standing exhausted some of them. Having AIDS is a terrible.way to live.
Here's a few facts for you: HIV has an initial infection time of 2 to 3 weeks after first contact. It then goes through a latency period before progression. With medication it can be stalled for 10+ years before the viral loads begin to rise and the T Cell numbers take a drop. Without medication the latency period is greatly reduced to somewhere around 7 months to 2 years.
It is typically more difficult for men to contract HIV from women during normal vaginal sex. The virus is transmitted most notably by blood contact so as long as the both parties do not have any open wounds, lesions or weeping sores the chances of contraction are pretty slim. The reason the virus is so prevalent in male homosexual activity is simply because there is a much greater risk of breaking skin through anal sex.
The virus is also carried in lesser amounts by semen, so it is feasible for a woman to contract it from a man during normal vaginal sex. If you suspect you may have picked up HIV it's irresponsible to have sex with women until you know for certain you are negative.
Contracting HIV outside of blood transfusion (which with increased screening blood goes through now it is highly unlikely) is incredibly preventable. Through the use of condoms (which still are not 100%) and just basic sexual moderation you can keep the bugs out and you live a hell of alot longer. It isn't a class thing, or an immigration issue. It is all about your choices and the responsibility you have to yourself and your partner to play it safe.
I was lucky, plain and simple. I learned a hard lesson in becoming accountable for my own sexual safety. I became pregnant before I knew about my husband's infection and we, my kid and i, are fortunately both HIV-. Needless to say once I was told of his infection we were far more careful afterward (much to his behest. Sex usually became a fight to get him to wrap his rascal, leading to no sex.) Don't be that guy.
I know this is an anxiety forum and I am supposed to be helping to dispel your anxiety but in this I just plain cannot. I think you already know your sexual promiscuity has created at least a few problems. Don't let this be one of them.
I am unsure how it is handled where you are, but in the US there are HIV testing facilities everywhere that will test for the virus for free. Even still you can always give blood. If the blood bank finds anything they will let you know. Either way, you are ultimate responsible for having yourself tested and playing it safe. Don't propogate the spread of this disease. Not every woman will be as lucky as I was.