Afraid I don't know ME

[Desu_Zusu]

This has been a fear of mine for a while.

I'm afraid that I'm so consumed by being afraid and anxious all the time about everything - primarily how people view me, being yelled at, losing anyone (especially my fiance), not doing well in school, being told to just learn to drive, etc... that I am not me. That I've been consumed by all of this fear to the point of not being whoever I'm supposed to be.

I have generalized anxiety disorder. I take medication for it everyday, and I take a second medication for anxiety if I feel a panic attack may occur or is coming on. I also see my therapist every week (unless she goes on vacation, but then I see her again ASAP). I also consider myself phobic of cars, and don't even have my temps as of right now.

I paint, and I know I'm artistic. I also know I enjoy reading and playing video games, but I'm so disconnected with people in my life that I'm not sure I developed whoever I'm supposed to see. I've avoided people since high school, and I've only gotten worse with it. I can't even order food at, say, a Wendy's. I don't talk to my parents, though I live with them. I hardly talk to my friends, of which I only have three. (To me, my fiance is much more, and I'm the opposite with him.)

You see...if my fiance goes anywhere and I'm NOT with him, I need him to text me whenever he gets to where he's going so I know he's safe and I don't panic.

But, all-in-all...I'm not sure I know who I am. I know little bits of who people want me to be or wished I had become, but...I can't be that person. I want to be whoever I am, and I don't know who she is...

[Mr Jingles]

First, I wish you didn't have to go through this pain. As an anxiety sufferer, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. But what if in all the pain of it, there's something good, useful?

I relate to your quote below. These questions and worries are strong for me, too.


But, all-in-all...I'm not sure I know who I am. I know little bits of who people want me to be or wished I had become, but...I can't be that person. I want to be whoever I am, and I don't know who she is...

Why do we want so badly to know who we are? Could we be happy for even an hour without knowing? Lost in the moment instead of jailed by our thoughts?

Why do we try so hard to meet our expectations, others expectations? Do we even know what they want or expect of us? If we did know what all those other people expect, who's expectations really matter? Can we be kind to others without trying to read their minds and make them happy even at our own expense?

I want to be me, too. I've been trying my whole life to figure out who me is and it's made me more miserable than just about anything. What happens when I just AM? When I don't try so hard to figure it out, me out, others out, life out? What happens when I try out doing our thinking things I think are wrong? Or that I don't think I can do.

I'm writing this as much for myself as you. Anxiety and suffering in general have caused me to realize that the way I'm playing the game of life is NOT working. I'm miserable, not at peace. I worry constantly about others, but in all that worry and fear I have nothing left to give them or attention to enjoy then with.

Please don't take any of this as advice. I'm just pondering and at the very least I hope you see I'm challenged in some of the same ways as you. It's so hard!

[sae]

This has been a fear of mine for a while.

I'm afraid that I'm so consumed by being afraid and anxious all the time about everything - primarily how people view me, being yelled at, losing anyone (especially my fiance), not doing well in school, being told to just learn to drive, etc... that I am not me. That I've been consumed by all of this fear to the point of not being whoever I'm supposed to be.

I have generalized anxiety disorder. I take medication for it everyday, and I take a second medication for anxiety if I feel a panic attack may occur or is coming on. I also see my therapist every week (unless she goes on vacation, but then I see her again ASAP). I also consider myself phobic of cars, and don't even have my temps as of right now.

I paint, and I know I'm artistic. I also know I enjoy reading and playing video games, but I'm so disconnected with people in my life that I'm not sure I developed whoever I'm supposed to see. I've avoided people since high school, and I've only gotten worse with it. I can't even order food at, say, a Wendy's. I don't talk to my parents, though I live with them. I hardly talk to my friends, of which I only have three. (To me, my fiance is much more, and I'm the opposite with him.)

You see...if my fiance goes anywhere and I'm NOT with him, I need him to text me whenever he gets to where he's going so I know he's safe and I don't panic.

But, all-in-all...I'm not sure I know who I am. I know little bits of who people want me to be or wished I had become, but...I can't be that person. I want to be whoever I am, and I don't know who she is...

I am very much just like this. I think in some ways many of the creative types are prone to being withdrawn, their focus less on the world around them, and more on the world they create.
The beauty of this is that being creative gives you a leg up. You might not see it yet, maybe not even soon, but one day you will be blindsided by the reality that you are creative enough to shape an identity too, and then recreate it, tweak it, poke at it much like an intricate painting.
Think of your identity as your greatest work of art. You are awesome, because you are you. I don't even know you on a personal level but I think you are awesome because you are you. You al ready have an identity to me and to other people. To everyone you meet its going to be a little different. That's how neato mosquito you are! Your sense of self is going to change daily too, in constant flux. It's sometimes easily mistaken for not having an identity at all because your sense of self changes so much. The trick is to pick only the best paints to create your identity masterpiece, and keep working. Your greatest masterpiece is yourself, the one creation that you can never finish until you can no longer change, your last day.
Anxiety likes to be the artist instead. Anxiety is in reality the asshole that desperately wants to splash black paint all over your work, to destroy it, to take control, and walk away when it is satisfied. I find likening my fear to a nasty little monster helps me fight it. Not to mention I get a little giggle thinking of different fun ways to kick him in the nads
Start out slow. Do something a little out of your comfort zone as often as you can handle. One of the things my head doc used to recommend (because I have a phobic aversion to talking to strangers on the phone) was to call up a random restaurant, it didn't even have to be one close by, and ask about their specials. The first few times I hung up as soon as I heard the person on the other line. I was terrified. Eventually I made it to where I could ask about the specials, wait for a response then hang up. Still terrified. After enough times is just became routine, I ask about the specials, or soup of the day, or closing time, politely thank the person and finish the call. I am still a little nervous calling a stranger, but with each time I do it it becomes easier. That's what creating the masterpiece of self is all about. Perfecting the painting patiently, one little brush stroke at a time.

P.S. I would love to see some of your paintings. I love seeing the things other people can create with just a little time and their unique imagination.

[Desu_Zusu]

Mr. Jingles...

I find myself thinking many of those things myself, but I find it so difficult to just exist and let whoever I am just...be. It's like I need to have a definite answer. Everything needs definite answers, and I don't really know why. I want to be spontaneous sometimes! But I get scared at the slightest change in plan. Sometimes even things as stupid as someone cooking hamburgers instead of hotdogs. I feel like I'm being childish and selfish, but my head and body just won't shut up. And I know I'm not a childish person, nor am I a selfish person. I'm not a particularly mature person, but perhaps that can be attributed to my anxiety or how I was raised. Perhaps I'll never know. But I'm not nearly so childish as to throw a tantrum because I wanted one food over the other. It's just the sudden change in plans that gets me all torn up. Everything starts racing, and I can't find the brakes even though I know they're there somewhere.



Sae...

Part of your anxiety sounds so much like mine. I have so many different manifestations of my anxiety. It makes me feel like I'm going nuts. I'm quite literally anxious about everything, and it feels like it's ruining my life. Like I just have no way to even begin living.

I'm scared of:
Children
Touching children
Women
Raised hands
Thunder storms
Being alone
Being around people
Calling people I know
Calling strangers
Going places I don't know
Going to friends houses
Eating at someone else's house
Sudden changes of plans
Cars
Driving
Being the center of attention

I'm sure the list goes on, but that's enough things for me to feel like I'm basically utterly nuts. Sometimes I'm even afraid that people are right, and I won't make it anywhere as an artist or an art therapist. (Both of which are currently my dream careers...)

I love your reply, though. It's relatable, and made me smile...however, it's more due to how brave you are. I'm still at the stage, I guess, where I feel I'll never be that strong or brave. I'm still afraid that I'm going to be stuck as this overly-anxious wreck, and that I'll just keep forever getting worse. I want to be brave and strong, and my therapist tells me I have and amazing personality. She attributes me to being fiery and feisty. Funny, sarcastic, and clever. She loves it. But I don't really see that side of me very often. I'm pretty sure that's probably who I am, but I sure wish she'd come around more often.

(I have awful spelling. I apologize...)

I haven't been putting my art online for a little while. My laptop decided a few years ago to be a "desktop" computer, as the charging port is dead, so I need it to remain plugged in constantly. My parents - whom I live with due to money troubles, my lack of a car, and, I'm sure, my anxiety - don't have a scanner. Also, when I send pictures from my phone to my computer...they turn out terrible. Like...blobby yucks.

I have a tiny bit on deviantART, though. I've even posted a few pictures up for people to buy prints of, but some people come up and say to me that my paintings "just aren't good enough" or they look messy, or whatever. ...I hate those people. I still dream of the day where someone will buy a print of mine.

[sae]

It isn't bravery in me, but necessity. I am a real coward sometimes. I startle at loud noises (thunder, fireworks), I get it in my head sometimes my few friends are upset with me and I drop off the face of the earth, I used to be terrified of driving too.
I had a kid and that changed my whole world. I couldn't whimper everytime thunder rumbled otherwise she would too. I HAD to drive to get to obgyn appointments, doctor appointments, to take her to the park, see her plays, take her to the zoo, buy groceries. Later on, when the opportunity arose, I took a job as a school bus driver. You should have seen me those first couple of months. Here I was afraid of driving my own van still and suddenly I am driving a behemoth full of shouting children I am ultimately responsible. I would start my day in tears. But I needed the money (or rather my husband needed the money) and driving paid twice as much as working at the dog kennel. Fast forward years later, I could weave through city traffic then parallel park that bus in the space between a gnat's buttcheeks.
It's it's not bravery, it's tenacity. You have that very same tenacity in you too. It starts with "fake it 'til you make it". You might not feel all that brave, but if you can fool others into believing you are eventually you will start to believe it too. Take pride in your little victories. They add up quick.
I get the whole fear of not becoming an artist. For me it just wasn't in the cards. I did art for a living, had a pretty great job, but once the stress of it marched in I no longer enjoyed it. My works suffered because of it. I took a hiatus from the idea, did other things, and it just worked out that I am now having to learn a new career. I found the perfect marriage of art and practicality in drafting. I'm not certified just yet, but I will be soon enough. Finally I will be able to create for a living.
Keep working toward your goals. Your art is all yours and no one else's. If you love it in the end that's all that matters.

[Desu_Zusu]

It's hard to take pride in the little victories, or, at least, right now it is. They just seem so minute to me. I find it so difficult to order my own food at a restaurant that my fiance usually does it for me because I just can't get the words out. When I do order, though, I'm usually so soft-spoken about it that he has to repeat my order for me, anyway. It almost makes me feel like I didn't order or try in the first place.

I understand the tenacity thing, though, as I need to do numerous things that make me anxious or uncomfortable every day at my job. I'm a manager at Papa John's, and as such I need to deal with multiple things I...kind of hate dealing with. As, you know, I have to have my own opinion, or come up with creative ideas as well as hold my own. Customer complaints. Teaching new employees. Reprimanding employees. Solving problems, such as a malfunctioning walkin cooler... All sorts of things. It's tiresome, and when I leave work it's like that part of me just turns off. Like there's a switch. And I'm back to being super timid again.

Which brings me to another concern of mine that I've kept slightly quiet. I've been out of work for a total of three weeks, now. (Not straight. I was out one week, back one week, then out two more.) I went to work, was sick and vomiting. Crying in pain. My fiance - who is the car for the time being, due to my not even having temps to drive with because of my phobia of cars / driving - took my phone and called the other manager and asked him to come in. He also called my mom. Once done with that, he took me to the ER where I learned I had appendicitis and was going to go into surgery that evening. I was out for the rest of the week. I went back, my pain slowly easing, and then, mid-week, increasing once more until I found myself heading to the ER again due to an infection. Longer hospital stay, and two weeks out of work on more pain meds and antibiotics. Now, I've been out long enough for me to have nearly convinced myself that I won't be as quick at my job, as good at my job, or whatever. On the other end of the coin, though, I'm craving returning to work. I've been home so long that I've exhausted basically everything on Netflix that I'd want to watch, and my roller coaster emotions have made it almost draining to think of doing much more than playing games. I haven't been getting inspired to paint or draw much, lately... Perhaps it's just the depression of being locked up inside so long.

I have a feeling that I may just be wanting myself to get better far quicker than one can with anxiety like this. I've only been going to therapy and taking meds for maybe two or three months now? But, everyone just wants results. Results and not "I'll try a little harder tomorrow." My own mother says she worked as a therapist years prior, but sometimes the way she treats me makes me doubt that. Especially with my trying to reinforce the knowledge that I still need to work out the right dose for my anxiety meds, and the right dose / kind of medicine to counter-act oncoming or occurring panic attacks. It's frustrating. And this, too, is probably another reason I'm so desperate for a sense of self...

I just keep telling myself that my therapist is great. She helps. She'll even teach me to drive once I find myself ready. Starting with just getting behind the wheel. It's exciting, but I know I'm not ready just yet... She, herself, said I'd need to find a better dose for my medicine before I'd feel comfortable enough to try. I hate that I need medicine, and she looked like she hated that she had to prescribe it, but whatever works.

[sae]

You're already braver than I. I couldn't sell a free Bible to a nun, much less manage anything. You already have so many little victories from days passed to celebrate.
Being dependent on meds for anything just plain sucks. I had to kick my head drugs to the curb after losing my job with the school district and ultimately my insurance. I don't miss them, even though they really did make life a hell of alot easier. I'm still heavily dependant on 9 other medications that keep me alive and keep things in working order. They make me feel like garbage, but at least I get to be alive. That's pretty awesome in my book.
It takes a long time to reverse the erroneous thought processes that arise with an anxiety disorder. Very few of the people in life truly understand just how much effort it is some days for me to walk out my front door. They don't have the same mental demons you or I do, and they are blind to the painstaking process of relearning how to cope with the world around them.
In the end patience will prevail. Just know that no feeling, no sensation of fear is as permanent as your mind believes it to be.
Keep on keeping on, my friend. Be patient with yourself as well as those around you. You might not see the victories today, but in time you will learn how to spot them. even if the only victory you have that day is that you managed to wake up and have another day, you have at least one under your belt. If the day you have didn't turn out like you wanted, or it seemed like your anxiety was able to get the upper hand that day, don't be discouraged. You will get another shot at it the next day. :)

[Mr Jingles]

Desu

Reading your posts and Sae's responses, I hope you continue your posts and Sae her replies. There seems a good rapport there, and that's a wonderful thing to have as you climb out of the anxiety hole.

I think Sae gave you some good advice, so I'll just add that writing your thoughts out here seems to help you. I'd encourage you to continue, and I'll happily read your thoughts. Also, the train of your thoughts shows that like all of us your thoughts have you boxed in, but also shows that you're exploring those thoughts, questioning them and your so called self in what seem to be healthy ways. Consider keeping up that kind of healthy questioning and see if it's helpful to your growth and healing.


I find it so difficult to just exist and let whoever I am just...be. It's like I need to have a definite answer. Everything needs definite answers, and I don't really know why. I want to be spontaneous sometimes! But I get scared at the slightest change in plan.

I relate to this. Isn't it strange that we feel like we can't live without answers, yet we can't explain why we can't live without them. This is slowly getting better for me.


I have so many different manifestations of my anxiety. It makes me feel like I'm going nuts. I'm quite literally anxious about everything, and it feels like it's ruining my life. Like I just have no way to even begin living .

It feels like my anxiety response is so trigger happy, that anything can set it off. I can be afraid of the usual things, or of anything. I definitely see myself fearing the fear itself and trying to avoid panic. But this is getting better, and I'm sure it will for you, if you just keep up small doable stretches.


I have a feeling that I may just be wanting myself to get better far quicker than one can with anxiety like this.

I have done the same. Seeing this pattern has allowed me to change it.

[Im-Suffering]

You are all at the forefront of a metaphysical movement or shift in perception. How can you feel secure in a world you know nothing about? Enmeshed in the physical was the plan, letting enough time by to become disillusioned, rather, in that is this all there is? Along with the thinking there must be more comes spiritual enlightenment. The human is not complete without his soul. Mind, body, and spirit in harmonious communication is the fulfillment of divine purpose. Deny any communication between these parts of self and life becomes fearful, doubtful, lonely, insecure, and anxious. Only through direct experience of this inner pain (of separation) can one grow to enlightenment and to reestablish a relationship with real self. Unfulfilled with the outer life, he will begin to look within. Combining every aspect (of himself) he will self realize or become a fully realized human which ultimately is the purpose of the game. He will have spiritualized the flesh.

And so you are all training in kindergarten. Magic in technology and discovery will truly come with this knowing. A blending of the physical earth stuffs with the psychological unseen aspects of the soul.