What this does to my family

[lareth]

I can't stand what my problems do to my mom. It hasn't been easy for her in her life and I can't believe she has to deal with something like this now too. She came in today, and she has no idea what to do, to make me feel better, and it's making me ball my eyes out right now. She does have a daughter that's doing fine.

I just suddenly broke down to cry and I love her so much. But I can't cry in front of her, I want her to be happy. I can't apologize for all the things I've done, for my anxiety, because I fear that after that I might want to die, and I don't know exactly why. If I'd die it would break her heart.

I just need something, anything, to carry me through this so that I can function, but I don't even know what functioning means. I just watched a movie where I didn't know whether to side with the protagonist hero fighting for truth, or for the antagonists who thought it's better to hide the truth for functionality. This has to do with the causes of my misery, knowing too much about life analytically but not having any real respect for experience, and thus having no real concrete things to make me feel better. All I can think is that there is no free will, and this is pointless, and before truth was something that kept me going, but now it seems I have to choose to live with the lie of believing at least in the self, that we're not just fleshy machines, or then dying or worse.

I try and stay positive and it has worked a little bit. I've woken up in in agony for a while now, every morning, but today it took me around half an hour to get a release from the inner torment. Going to sleep is very scary, I don't know how I'll feel in the morning. I think I need to go to the hospital, but again, that's not something I want people to have to go through.

[jessed03]

I know you have the free will issue. Is that all you're suffering from? Do you get panic attacks, or, do you have OCD-like tendencies, anything like that?

[Mr Jingles]

I've woken up in in agony for a while now, every morning, but today it took me around half an hour to get a release from the inner torment.

I've had quite the morning anxiety this last week or two also. I wish I knew what caused it. I'm lucky if the anxiety is gone in half an hour, sometimes it takes an hour or more.


But I can't cry in front of her, I want her to be happy. I can't apologize for all the things I've done, for my anxiety, because I fear that after that I might want to die, and I don't know exactly why. If I'd die it would break her heart.

How much of what you're experiencing have you discussed with her? What was her reaction?

It's easy to assume we know what others want or what is best for them. Sometimes anxiety can make us prone to worry a lot about others thoughts and try to read minds.