lareth
05-15-2015, 12:28 PM
I think one of my problems is deinstitutionalization. Not that I want to spend the rest of my life inside an institution at this time, but I feel as if my whole life has been structured around institutions, first at home not having any rights or privileges, then spending most of my time inside other peoples' houses E.I being homeless on many occasions, and not ever having the prospects of going to school or making something out of myself. And finally, having been committed, voluntarily (suicide or an institution were my options) into a mental institution for a couple of months.
Ever since that, three years ago, I've been handling it. It has been a struggle many a day. I did ok for a good while after being let out of hospital. I got a flat a few weeks after being let out, I kept my flat tidy, I ate food as I recall, and I had a social life.
I've been feeling worse again, for a while now. I started dating, which really isn't one of my strong points, and it, I think, triggered all my old problems, that were there to be triggered though. This week has been a struggle. Meaninglessness of life, lack of any real options and "free will", going back to the inner dwelling and forgetting how to live.
not to start dating, but I really fell for this one, and I was lonely I'll admit it. And also the prospect of starting a normal life, with a relatively normal girl, sounded like a real treat. She's had it good, though she has her problems. Me, I guess I'm not adjusted for that kind of life. Even though I really have wanted to. I always thought that I'd make something out of myself, but trust me, I know it's not going to work out at this time. But I digress.
Now, hospital is calling again. My mother keeps calling me every two hours to ask me whether we're going or not. I've told her I need to work on something first, which is that I'm sort of leaving my girlfriend. Just like the last time I went to the hospital. But I know I can't go on this way, just leaving women because I feel they will leave me anyways. I know I'm smart, but this just won't do. I don't know if I'm trying to get her to leave me because I'm scared, which I am. I want to know whether I'm scared in a way that it could be treated, and that it could be possible for me to live with her in the future. Before this girl, I was relatively happy alone. I couldn't really function that well in society, but I was getting there. I had a gym rhythm, I started doing yoga two times a day. But that's when it all came down on me again.
But anyways, I think the main point is, that I know I should go to the hospital, I just feel it. But I don't know exactly why. Yes I feel like shit, like hell actually. It's been a horrible struggle. I don't eat, I've stopped going to the gym, etc etc etc.
And to be honest at this point this post just got out of hand. But are there other people out there who can't cope with life outside the box, so to speak? Like, even with the small things like eating and just plain existing? My girlfriend, who I guess is now my exgirlfriend (possibly the only one I don't regret having), showed me Orange is the New Black, and I couldn't help but wonder and reminisce on my time inside the hospital. I didn't say anything to her, because she is so far from something like that, and that bastard told me not to watch it without her, so maybe I can now that she's in the process of leaving me... Anyways, anyone else who is unable to live?
Ever since that, three years ago, I've been handling it. It has been a struggle many a day. I did ok for a good while after being let out of hospital. I got a flat a few weeks after being let out, I kept my flat tidy, I ate food as I recall, and I had a social life.
I've been feeling worse again, for a while now. I started dating, which really isn't one of my strong points, and it, I think, triggered all my old problems, that were there to be triggered though. This week has been a struggle. Meaninglessness of life, lack of any real options and "free will", going back to the inner dwelling and forgetting how to live.
not to start dating, but I really fell for this one, and I was lonely I'll admit it. And also the prospect of starting a normal life, with a relatively normal girl, sounded like a real treat. She's had it good, though she has her problems. Me, I guess I'm not adjusted for that kind of life. Even though I really have wanted to. I always thought that I'd make something out of myself, but trust me, I know it's not going to work out at this time. But I digress.
Now, hospital is calling again. My mother keeps calling me every two hours to ask me whether we're going or not. I've told her I need to work on something first, which is that I'm sort of leaving my girlfriend. Just like the last time I went to the hospital. But I know I can't go on this way, just leaving women because I feel they will leave me anyways. I know I'm smart, but this just won't do. I don't know if I'm trying to get her to leave me because I'm scared, which I am. I want to know whether I'm scared in a way that it could be treated, and that it could be possible for me to live with her in the future. Before this girl, I was relatively happy alone. I couldn't really function that well in society, but I was getting there. I had a gym rhythm, I started doing yoga two times a day. But that's when it all came down on me again.
But anyways, I think the main point is, that I know I should go to the hospital, I just feel it. But I don't know exactly why. Yes I feel like shit, like hell actually. It's been a horrible struggle. I don't eat, I've stopped going to the gym, etc etc etc.
And to be honest at this point this post just got out of hand. But are there other people out there who can't cope with life outside the box, so to speak? Like, even with the small things like eating and just plain existing? My girlfriend, who I guess is now my exgirlfriend (possibly the only one I don't regret having), showed me Orange is the New Black, and I couldn't help but wonder and reminisce on my time inside the hospital. I didn't say anything to her, because she is so far from something like that, and that bastard told me not to watch it without her, so maybe I can now that she's in the process of leaving me... Anyways, anyone else who is unable to live?