New Diagnosis?

[sae]

It is almost 3:30 in the morning and somehow things are just starting to hit me. I went to a real head doctor (which wasn't easy in the county clinic system) on Monday and the visit went by like a blur. I could barely seem to keep up with all the questions. After giving a somewhat brief history of my anxiety, explaining it has been prevalent with social difficulties since early childhood, the questions changed from my anxiety triggers to odd things like whether I was good at math, if I was clumsy, disorganized in school. I have always struggled with math (although with enough memorization I can limp through algebra), I trip over my own feet constantly still, and yes, I had the locker in high school that defied gravity. They were really super weird questions.
The head doctor flips through another binder, asks me a few more questions, scribbles a few more notes and reschedules me for more "testing" at a later date. Nothing else was explained. The pisser is this, I am not going back to see the same doctor but a developmental pediatrician in the same clinc for the testing...lolwut?
I didn't give it another thought until tonight. I broke a cardinal rule and consulted Dr. Google. I queried a few of the questions, what a developmental pediatrician does, and drew the conclusion that this doctor is fishing for an AS diagnosis.
I am not really freaking out about it, but I can't make the "fill in blanks" stop. I don't want to accept this possibility. I can fix anxiety, I am FIXING anxiety, but I don't think I can conquer something like AS. It's a game changer; change isn't exactly my bag of tricks.
The logical thing to do us just wait to see the next doctor and see what happens. A part of me wants to find all the appropriate answers beforehand to avoid this diagnosis. On the other hand, if that lying ratbastard Dr. Google is telling me the truth, I am going to have to suck it up and deal.

[gypsylee]

AS = Asperger's Syndrome?

You know, I think I'd actually like to be diagnosed with something like that because anxiety makes me feel like I bring it upon myself..

[sae]

While I think it would be nice to get a definitive diagnosis for the entirety of my eccentric nature, it still scares me. I hope I'm wrong, I hope this is all just a measure of discounting possibilities.
Maybe I am going in with the preconceived notion that such a diagnosis would prove I really am damaged (and a bit of an asshole.. )I have met one person with AS and he was kind of a douche. He kept saying "I'm sorry, I have Asperger's. I don't know how what I say is hurtful." I am the exact opposite. I am constantly certain I will say something offensive.
I am not going to stress over this. My next appointment isn't until well into next month. I talked to my sister about it since she has a son with Autism. After she got over the butt hurt from assuming I was making it all up, she assured me that I am just too high functioning, and that if it were an emergency type.of deal.i wouldn't have to wait a month to see another doctor.

[gypsylee]

Well yeah, you don't strike me as someone with Asperger's (from the ones I do know).

[sae]

It's been a weird shit-tastic day. Started rough and got weird. After 4 different people knock on my door, one city worker, on fed ex guy and 2 lawn care scammers (guys in plain clothes with push mowers that come by and offer to mow my tiny not quite 16th of an acre front lawn for stupid amounts of money. It's kind of a thing here since the city is quick to dole out citations for things like unkempt lawns etc).
I get a call from the mental health clinic telling me they were going to have to reschedule my appointment from the end of next month to late July. Apparently the dev. Pediatrician was taking a vacation during my scheduled time. I write down the new appointment and hang up. No sooner did I hang up and they are calling me back to say they had an opening for late this afternoon if I could make it.
I didn't want to go. My uterus is plotting a Shawshank Redemption style escape, which is a terrible experience while on blood thinners (and that has been your daily dose of tmi). I also have the sads today. The atypical "everything is wrong but I can't make myself get up and do anything about it" maneuver. Because I have been combating my anxiety with doing the exact opposite of whatever knee-jerk decision I try to make, I go in.
I sit in the office for a good 2 hours. There are mothers glaring at me, wondering where my kid is, or why I was seeing a kid doctor. I kept thinking to myself "hey, lady, I'm right there with you. I don't know why I was sent here either."
There were three kids bouncing around the place, shouting and arguing over the bead and wire toy, then it was two kids, then no kids at all. Just me for another 30 minutes.
I am called into the office and feel even more out of place than I did in the waiting room. There is no desk here, no filing cabinets, just a love seat, playroom rug and toys everywhere. Luckily the doctor came in rolling a chair behind her as she smiled and said something like "I'm glad I don't have to sit on the floor again."
The visit didn't involve puppets, or funny voices, crayons or dolls (which by the time I made it in the office I was fully expecting.) She spent a good minute or so flipping through my file and began asking many of the very same questions the last doctor asked. I couldn't glean anything from her for the majority of the visit. It was just a basic back and forth, question and my short answers. I can write all damned day but if I have to talk out loud I suddenly have far less to say.
At the end of the visit I finally worked up the courage to ask why I was referred to her. "You are being screened for a learning disability." I almost laughed. Me, a learning disability? Sure I wasn't the greatest student by my own devices in school, but what I lacked in comprehension I made up for in having a stupid crazy eidetic memory, and I worked myself to as close to perfection as I possibly could in school.
She assured me she couldn't diagnose me, my head doctor would have to give a final diagnosis and handed me a a sheet to bring to the front desk.
I had trouble decoding the notes other than I had been screened for NLD. I didn't have a clue what that was. The form was faxed and I was informed my original dr. would call me to set up my next appointment.
So no real answers yet. I consulted Dr. Google again, making special care not to get hung up trying to diagnose myself. At least I know what tree my dr. is barking up now.
The anxiety monster is chomping at the bit to whisper sweet nothings of mental incompetence in my ear. While I would rather I just had the basic anxiety and depression, perhaps finding the tap root to all of my weird quirks that people have pointed out I possess can bring me one step closer to being a functional and useful human being.
Here's to hoping I am just a social phobic, anxiety ridden spazz with depression!

[gypsylee]

Sounds like the typical fiasco doctors put you through. I think the world has gone mad when someone like you is screened for a learning disability.

[sae]

I think more than anything they are digging for funding. It is a state/county clinic and unfortunately I am a lucky cash cow for both the medical and psychological branches it seems. My GP has already had me sign a statement that select anonymous medical information can be shared with the local university about my weirdo one side early onset heart disease case. I don't mind that really if it will help in the fight against heart disease. I just don't want to turn into a guinea pig for a mental health clinic either.

[Im-Suffering]

What would help in the fight against heart disease generally speaking is a thought transplant. (a change of heart).

More personally what would help in your fight would be if you suddenly didnt think you were such an asshole, and that your words and thoughts could kill forcing you to hide from the world in some distorted sense of shame and guilt. Everyone else would always be seen in the light of 'out to get you' as you project your own feelings (about who you are) onto them. Even if they are the sweetest beings it would bring out that unwanted side.

Because of this you have been conditioned to expect the worst, period.

So..

Come on, have a heart.

These mental changes would put the body into remission (along with any future as yet probable health issues)