Anxiety. Contemplating suicide

[Bryce Stanton-rees]

When I say anxiety, I mean 5 years of fear of having a heart attack.

going to try make this as short as possible.

Always been into sports, had my first anxiety attack at 17 from weed (dont smoke it anymore).
Ever since I have had a fear of dying of a heart attack, 90% of the time it happens when I have gotten less than 6hours sleep.

So basically I cant plan tomorrow, cant have a relationship, cant work, cant plan anything with friends.

everything single panic attack I have had ive ended up either calling the ambulance thinking I was having a heart attack, I went almost 48hours without sleep 2 years ago, had a major panic attack, blood pressure went 220/120 which is insane for my age, and every panic attack has only convinced myself I can have a heart attack, its like I can sense I can.

I feel utterly hopeless, think about it.
I have anxiety from having a heart attack which is caused by lack of sleep, I cant help not being able to sleep, and its a vicious cycle.

For me personally, I feel like theres no way in this life I will be able to get over my anxiety to the point where I can go to work on less than 6 hours sleep and not have a panic attack, for that I have never been this down about my life.

I have been meditating for a month, trying cbt therapy and even looking into nuerofeedback therapy.

litterally if there is anyone who can help me or point me in the direction of getting over this massive demon that is literally killing my hopes and dreams in the life infront of me, it would be so much appreciated you have no idea.

Thanks. Bryce

[gypsylee]

Hi Bryce and welcome :)

Yeah I have always had huge issues with not getting enough sleep, to the point that it's how my alcoholism started - I preferred to be hung over than sleep deprived.

The way you beat this vicious cycle is to prove to yourself that you won't have a heart attack if you don't sleep. If you can get some time off work (so you don't have to have that added stress) stay awake deliberately and see what happens. Or do it on the weekend. You'll probably have a panic attack and it won't be fun, but you won't have a heart attack.

There's probably other ways of dealing with it but this is the best in my opinion and it's the way I've dealt with a lot of my anxiety - facing it head on, "feel the fear and do it anyway" style. It doesn't "cure" it but it sure helps and is better than taking your own life.

All the best to you,
Gypsy x

[raggamuffin]

I had my first panic attack when I was a stoner. I carried on smoking and a year later I had another one which lasted an hour. I quit weed then but during the time inbetween the 2 attacks i had mounting symptoms. Chest tightness, fear of heart attacks etc.

Lack of sleep often makes you feel more anxious. If your body isn't well rested you'll encounter more symptoms and brain fog as it were.

You speak like anxiety is in control of your life. You're in control of anxiety. When you state you can't do things then you're setting yourself up for failure. Anxiety is a symptom and a tool. It's something to help us change ourselves for the better. Anxiety is only as empowered as you make it. You empower anxiety through fear, paranoia and worrying. Stress in the mind then stresses out the body and can cause all manner of nasty symptoms - take it from someone who had year after year of 24/7 symptoms without relent.

But it can and will get better. The early stages of anxiety are horrid because you don't understand it fully. you go to dr's, have tests and get told it's anxiety. But relating worry and stress to symptoms is something that's hard, let alone accepting anxiety is the cause of this. A heart attack or cancer isn't around the corner - the anxious way of thinking is so far flung from the truth you wind up with anxious ruminating thoughts and you're stuck in your own little bubble.

You assume you're having a heart attack but you never do - regardless of how fast your heart beats or how high your blood pressure goes. Age is nothing to do with high BP during a panic attack. it's your body's natural fight or flight response. You sense danger and it kicks in shooting adrenaline into your blood. This goes around the body to make you ready to fight or fly. but when they perceived "danger" is a paranoid thought in your mind when you feel the rush inside you panic, the panic leads to more fear so the fight or flight response fires more adrenaline off and around and around it goes. If you feel out of control that's when anxiety will be taking control.

You have to empower yourself by learning about anxiety and how vast the symptoms can be. There's a thread stickied to the top of this forum section - a list of anxiety symptoms. it'll give you an idea how varied the symptoms can be from anxiety.

Meditation is good and CBT is a good start as well. I'd recommend looking into Core Beliefs and changing them. Often anxiety is a symptom of underlying issues that have remained unadressed in the past which preomotes poor stress management and despondancy in the present.

You can overcome the fears and worries you have. I never thought i'd be able to live a normal life again after anxiety first hit. it feels like the sense of safety in yourself has been removed and that is a terrifying prospect. Truth be told anxiety doesn't weaken you as a person, it can empower you if you learn what's truly causing your issues and work on bettering yourself. Look to your diet and cut out processed foods. Exercise is good too. You can feel panicky whilst doing it to begin with. Your mind will notice a raised heart rate and heavy breathing etc and might go into panic mode because it's been associating these natural and normal symptoms of exercise to be another panic attack.

I used to have problems sleeping too, i'd move my legs and twitch sconstantly in bed fearing if i stopped this OCD movements i'd have a heart attack - not a shred of logic in that statement and yet I was so convinced of it.

You'll probably find one fear replaces another. you might go a few days or weeks fearing one symptom and then another comes along and suddenyl your attention is focused on something else. you'll often notice the previous symptom has now vanished or lessened.

Anxiety symptoms tend to jump around the body, they fade when you're busy and distracted. Don't be put off if you're having a good day and don't feel anxious but get anxiety symptoms or panic. It took a long time for the stress to build to cause these symptoms and it'll take a long time for them to reduce.

But, as I said i'd gone through years of 24/7 symptoms and I can guarantee it does get better and you will improve. But you have to look to your outlook too. There's no point doing therapy and meditation if you're convinced you're powerless to anxiety. Far from it - without your worries and fears your anxiety wouldn't exist. it's that simple. you feed it by convincing yourself of heart attacks, that you can't work or have a relationship.

The road to recovery is a long one but it's worth taking. You'll be a better and stronger person for it, trust me.

Ed