Death/time anxiety and depression ruling my life 24/7

[littlebirdee]

Hi everyone,

I finally caved and made an account after reading several threads, none were *exactly* like what I was feeling, some were close, and I have yet to read anything online that gives me any help or peace, so I guess I'll try posting my own thread.

For the last week or so (and in the past I have battled this as well, I remember being sad about death when I was 7 years old and had panic and anxiety at age 22 as well, I am now 25) I have had constant thoughts of time passing, getting older, and dying, and watching everyone around me die. From the moment I wake up I think "I'll never have this day back" and I try to go and do everything I want to do but it's almost like the white noise in my head is telling me "none of this shit matters anyway, you're just going to end up worm food like everyone else you know and love. All the happiness you ever felt or will feel will fade into nothing". Obviously I am not religious and never have been so no comfort in the afterlife.

Everything makes me want to cry and sleep. I see a happy picture of my boyfriend and I from just two years ago and I burst into tears and shake knowing we'll never be that young again and that I may never be that happy again. I'm so so terrified of spending the rest of my life like this. I used to take lots of photos of me with my boyfriend for fun and to preserve memories and recently ordered a photo book of great photos of us from our first two years together and now I can't stomach to look at it because it makes me want to vomit.

I have tried talking with my mom who just offers "I'm way ahead of you kid, enjoy being young xoxo" which just makes me dread knowing that I'll lose her one day and there's NOTHING I can do about it. My dad has his own anxiety issues so I fear triggering further panic in him by mentioning aging as he is very sentimental and I suspect suffers some of this to a lesser extent.

I have been crying to my boyfriend who has been supportive and listening to me and has been keeping cool, calm and rational by saying "when you're dead you won't be sad, and you have a long time to live, focus on the now" and even got me to meditate and breathe with him, but the moment I stop meditating I think about how lovely and amazing he is and how dearly I love him and I can't bear to think that we will be old and useless one day or that I will be without him, or he without me. I want to stay in our 20s forever in our beautiful apartment in California with our adorable little cat and all our loved ones around us to talk to and visit and laugh with. I am the opposite of suicidal, I LOVE my life so much and love everyone in it to pieces. My heart feels like it's constantly breaking and I wish I could go back to ignoring the passage of time like everyone else. I don't want to be old and wake up with aches and pains knowing the end is near and my parents, beloved older cousins, aunts and uncles are all long gone.

So far nothing has shaken this feeling. I spent most of today just weeping, getting some essential tasks done (felt like I was going through the motions) and eagerly waiting for my boyfriend to get home from work (I work from home). I just want to hold him and cry and cry and cry as if that will somehow keep him here with me in this moment, in this year, for longer. Then I feel a wave of guilt for wasting these moments feeling sad. It's just awful.

I've read hundreds of forum posts and anxiety and depression forums and "death is painless and releases lots of happy endorphins when you pass don't fear it" kinds of things and "you were dead billions of years before you were born and didn't mind" and it drives me up the wall because it all just induces further dread and sadness in me. I don't want to love my life so much that I'm a weeping sappy depressed person like this anymore. I want to love life and still have energy to live the rest of it. I feel like I'm 80 looking back on memory lane sometimes and feel that everything must be coming to an end soon because I feel so, so, so sad and nostalgic.

It's gotten to the point where I dread the thought of maybe one day having a child, because my heart breaks at the thought of them reaching my age and feeling this sense of despair about the end of their early life, and knowing they too would die one day. Everything hurts and I just want to go back to being blissfully ignorant of my own demise like all my loved ones seem to do.

[gypsylee]

Hi and welcome :)

I enjoyed reading your post, especially things like how the pics of you and your bf make you want to vomit lol. I know it's not funny but it sounds funny to an outsider.

Anyway, I think you've posted in the right section because this sounds like depression to me. Depression colours how we think and feel about things, and the crying thing and being so emotional is telltale. I know you said you're the opposite of suicidal but that doesn't mean you aren't depressed.

Have you been on anti-depressants or thought about it? I think they might help you.

All the best,
Gypsy x

[littlebirdee]

thanks for the reply, yes it does sound strange to someone not feeling it and I know I would have rolled my eyes or laughed at myself just a few weeks ago, but the feelings are so overwhelming that's what it really feels like right now.


I am scared of anti depressants mainly because I have other family members who have had bad results (increased suicidal feelings/sadness) from them, and one cousin gained about 60 pounds on lexapro and fell into a further spiral, so I guess I have anxiety about anti anxiety meds, haha. I am blessed to live in California and easy access to medical marijuana which takes the edge off but I hate not being able to be sober and 100% myself and aware and happy and living in the present. being stoned all the time is not my idea of a proper solution to this but i'll take anything at this point to stop some of the sadness.

[gypsylee]

Fair enough.. SSRIs have worked well for me (and my brother) but they don't gel well with some people. Weed actually adds to depression in the long run but you probably know that and I totally know what it's like to need help taking the edge off things.

[gypsylee]

Oh and your bf is right about you having a long time to live and focusing on the now :) it's easier said than done though I know. Maybe look into Mindfulness techniques and meditation?

[Mr Jingles]

It's gotten to the point where I dread the thought of maybe one day having a child, because my heart breaks at the thought of them reaching my age and feeling this sense of despair about the end of their early life, and knowing they too would die one day. Everything hurts and I just want to go back to being blissfully ignorant of my own demise like all my loved ones seem to do.

Your post made me think. That's always dangerous. :)

But, I've heard and it makes sense to me that anxiety and depression are often coming from our ego's fear of dying, loss, inevitability of change, etc. I don't experience the feelings you do around the passage of time DIRECTLY. But I think I do indirectly. I fear all the things I can't control about my life, my mind making me feel like I'll go crazy, other people's opinions of me, etc.

You're seeing a truth, I think. Life does really suck and had no meaning or point. No real anchor or control. When I'm depressed, I see things like this, and they are true... Relatively.

There are other things that are equally true, like it feels good to be with people I love or appreciate. I like being creative and it just feels great to lose myself in a task. Yes, my creativity is pointless seen from another perspective... But I also enjoy it, love it.

Sorry if I'm unclear. As I said, when I think too much sometimes it's dangerous...

[littlebirdee]

Thank you both for your responses :)

I have been meditating 20 minutes a day in the morning when my feelings are at their worst, it is a good temporary distraction but being overly emotional I think "wow it was just yesterday when my boyfriend was telling me about meditation" and the whole "time is passing so fast" thing hits and punches me in the stomach. Everything, and I mean everything, makes me sad it seems. No real rhyme or reason to it.

that's my fear Mr. Jingles, I've always considered myself someone who likes to see the truth in things. I am terrified that how I am feeling is the "truth" or how things REALLY are while everyone else is blissfully aware of what's "behind the curtain" so to speak. I just scroll through Facebook and think "how can you be entertained by all these tv shows? Aren't you terrified looking back at the earlier seasons seeing how youthful and vibrant everyone was and how they're just going to be old nobodies soon? How that applies to you too?" This is a thought that's been quietly with me for a while but only has REALLY hit hard this past week for whatever reason.

Another thing, I feel it's getting worse because I look forward to sleep and dread waking up because often my first thoughts waking up are filled with panic and dread about another day having gone by, then I panic about wasting it, then I panic because how can I waste it if it's pointless, etc. The best way I can describe the feeling is a really bad heartbreak, just over and over over the course of a day. I need an "off switch" but can't seem to find one even in the things i used to enjoy doing (playing video games, watching movies, spending time with friends, etc). I would love to be able to lose myself in a task again. I actually draw freelance cartoons for a living and I'm finding it morbidly hilarious to continue drawing cute vibrant happy cartoons while I'm sitting here at the computer crying my eyes out. Going through the motions.

[justbill]

From the moment I wake up I think "I'll never have this day back" and I try to go and do everything I want to do but it's almost like the white noise in my head is telling me "none of this shit matters anyway, you're just going to end up worm food like everyone else you know and love. All the happiness you ever felt or will feel will fade into nothing". Obviously I am not religious and never have been so no comfort in the afterlife.

Littlebirdee-
I was going through something similar about 3 years ago, and I happened upon a conversation with someone. I was quite drunk at the time, and she was quite sober mind you, but I asked her-What is the meaning of life? And she gave the best answer I've ever heard. It took me awhile to understand it, but once I did it really did help with my "why am I here and what is the point" problem.

The answer she gave was simple-The meaning of life, is to live a life with meaning.

Meditate on that, and I hope it helps.

[littlebirdee]

Littlebirdee-
I was going through something similar about 3 years ago, and I happened upon a conversation with someone. I was quite drunk at the time, and she was quite sober mind you, but I asked her-What is the meaning of life? And she gave the best answer I've ever heard. It took me awhile to understand it, but once I did it really did help with my "why am I here and what is the point" problem.

The answer she gave was simple-The meaning of life, is to live a life with meaning.

Meditate on that, and I hope it helps.

Thank you for your response and I am glad I am not alone. I try to give myself a meaning to live each day - talk to a loved one, read something new, draw something new - but it all seems to fall in the face of death. I am terrified I won't be able to shake these thoughts or feelings. I was watching a favorite show with my boyfriend yesterday and started breathing heavily and felt panic just seeing familiar faces from earlier seasons and knowing they were all growing old and dying too. So I tried cartoons because hey, cartoons never get older right? but I watched one of my favorites from when I was a kid - A Goofy Movie - and not only is the movie 20 years old (I remember watching it on VHS tape yesterday!) but the damn theme of the film is getting older and life changes. It's almost hilarious how morbid and sad everything feels to me.

My boyfriend gave me a big hug this morning and said "if you need me, I can take a sick day and we can go to that breakfast place you love" and I just burst out sobbing, I felt the "fast forward" button again to when I'm old and don't remember or care about the breakfast spot or this day or this moment. I just can't let go of the dread knowing all of this is going to disappear. I love my boyfriend and my little breakfast spot. I feel ill knowing it will all crumble in the face of time. I just need a way to shake it but I'm so, so scared I can't.

I called a depression hotline and they just told me to see a counselor. Same with another depression chat. I saw a counselor in college and they weren't much use, and I don't have a car to get to a counselor. Why can't I find help online? :(

[Im-Suffering]

Who passed on that you were close with? And how did they pass?

[littlebirdee]

Who passed on that you were close with? And how did they pass?

Well this feeling wasn't directly triggered by someone's death but it certainly does contribute to these feelings, the latest person in my family to pass was my uncle who died of throat cancer last year. He lived longer than doctors expected but still had a pretty long and brutal dying process. He had a wonderful attitude about "living on borrowed time" and "I'm so happy to see all my loved ones here with me". At least he had time to come to terms with death and have a proper goodbye even with the pain.

I think getting very old, frail, and forgotten in a nursing home and just dying overnight may be scarier than cancer. It all seems horrible. And while his immediate family are all religious and look forward to meeting him in heaven, I have no such beliefs and dearly miss one of my favorite uncles who will no longer be carving the thanksgiving turkey or making his special spiked egg nog at Christmas. I dread Christmas getting emptier and emptier over time.

[dancingsunflowers80]

Hi, ugh my heart just breaks for you. You sound super passionate about life, glad that you have so many things to be grateful for. And it's great you are trying different things to relieve the feelings you have. Have you thought about chatting with a counselor? Not a psychiatrist, just a counselor who is there to listen and reflect. It helped me many times in my life when the issues were far greater than I could handle. Hang in there.

mommato2lilmonkeys

[littlebirdee]

Hi, ugh my heart just breaks for you. You sound super passionate about life, glad that you have so many things to be grateful for. And it's great you are trying different things to relieve the feelings you have. Have you thought about chatting with a counselor? Not a psychiatrist, just a counselor who is there to listen and reflect. It helped me many times in my life when the issues were far greater than I could handle. Hang in there.

mommato2lilmonkeys

I will try to find a counselor but it is so hard in a one car situation. I will see what I can do. I feel like I have tried everything to relieve my feelings. So far the only thing that seems to work is trying to get numb to the feelings I'm feeling so they get "old" and become boring or dull to dwell upon rather than heart stompingly terrifying. Ironic that thoughts growing old with time might be my only way out of worrying about, well, growing old with time. Lol. thank you for your kindness :)

[littlebirdee]

Who else? Go through them. Does not have to be related (family).

Do not underestimate, in your words, the effect (shock/trauma) "a brutal dying process" has on your psyche.


Well, my cousin's girlfriend who I knew fairly well started having seizures and ended up brain dead out of the blue with no warning signs when she was only in her mid 30's which was pretty devastating. My grandfather passed when I was very young and I never knew my father's mother. Both of my grandparents on my mother's side are still alive and seem to be healthy and happy in their 80's but I dread their passing as I am close to them. My boyfriend's father is elderly, in his mid 70's, and in astonishing health but I am petrified of seeing my boyfriend lose his cool demeanor in the face of death and having to have my greatest ally in this fight also be tormented by these thoughts. I have been fortunate to not witness many deaths in my circle of loved ones, friends or family, which I guess is where the dread comes in - it has to happen soon, any day now.

I am happy to hear that I am not alone and that it is not just a younger person's irrational worrying but something more natural that occurs in all phases of life. I do take comfort in knowing I'm not the victim of some hideous curse chosen just for me. I am happy to hear that you said you had everything in your life by age 40 - I wish to feel a similar sense of accomplishment in the years to come. Do these feelings get easier to deal with as you age and see others around you pass away? I am hoping that as I mature and learn more about the world around me I won't feel as tortured or threatened by these thoughts.

I am trying to change my feelings about death to feelings of "it's a part of who we all are and natural and peaceful oblivion after a hard life of work". Instead of viewing death as a horrifying end I try now when I take a nap or feel tired to think "this blissful feeling of falling asleep after a long day must be what death is like" and try to feel uplifted by it rather than haunted.

[Im-Suffering]

I am hoping that as I mature and learn more about the world around me I won't feel as tortured or threatened by these thoughts.



Listen carefully.

Make your own world.

Learn more about yourself, and you won't feel threatened by thoughts or the world, period. That is the worthy endeavor. Find who you are. Regardless of what the world wants you to be. Regardless of the birth-death cycle. And it is a circle of life. I want you to look at babies, to look at pictures, to see some newborns in the natal unit after birth. (Healthy). Play with puppies/kittens, baby animals. Do you see?

Not to focus on death but to direct your mind back to love. Death is fear, life is love. This is why you are anxious.

I want you to embrace life, you understand, with the same magical impetus that a fetus has in its desire to be born. Remember too that you were once that fetus, and your impetus a wonderful life ahead. This is natural. An expectation, an excitement, wonder and magic.

That is life. And ultimately will be your conclusion of it.

[littlebirdee]

Listen carefully.

Make your own world.

Learn more about yourself, and you won't feel threatened by thoughts or the world, period. That is the worthy endeavor. Find who you are. Regardless of what the world wants you to be.




I can tell your words come from a very personal and real place and I am moved by them. I will make a greater effort to find love and excitement in my time here on earth. It is challenging to feel a drive to live when I can't seem to take my thoughts away from one day not living, but I will try as hard as I can. Thank you for your kindness and thoughtfulness in your responses to me.

[Mr Jingles]

I am terrified that how I am feeling is the "truth" or how things REALLY are while everyone else is blissfully aware of what's "behind the curtain" so to speak.

What you are feeling is A truth. "The truth" implies no other. Many tragedies of human history seem to stem from this misunderstanding, everything from religious wars to daily disagreements, to you and I just feeling horrible because we believe some thought in our head to the exclusion of all others.

These feelings and thoughts about life and death are coming at you pretty hard. Perhaps they need to be heard. They are certainly trying to get your attention. But remember that life is very complex, and what we know about it is dwarfed by what we don't. There are so many ways to look at the mystery of life. So many truths relative to who we are, our experiences, and where we're standing.

Whatever you end up believing, I hope you find some peace. Anxiety and depression and being lost in our thoughts is so painful.

[littlebirdee]

What you are feeling is A truth. "The truth" implies no other. Many tragedies of human history seem to stem from this misunderstanding, everything from religious wars to daily disagreements, to you and I just feeling horrible because we believe some thought in our head to the exclusion of all others.

Yes, this is something i definitely need to keep in mind, and who the hell am I to determine I know the mysteries of life death and the universe, etc. I hold out hope that human consciousness can carry on in some way even if my ego dies, or that artificial/digital consciousness or robot bodies become a "thing" in my lifetime, who knows? I would be okay with being a robot :)

It has been painful. Oddly enough, a good friend of mine and my boyfriend's closest friend tragically died in a car accident last night and I felt more at peace with these thoughts than I have in a while. I just kept trying to stay calm and think about death as just peaceful sleep and while it's tragic when any 25 year old dies, I didn't have a full blown panic attack. Maybe I'm still in shock and this is just the "eye of the storm" but I hope that facing death head on in the coming days will give me some form of peace when it strikes again. My boyfriend is handling his grief in a very practical way and I don't know if I could in his shoes, maybe he's in shock too. Hard to tell less than 24 hours from the event.

[dancingsunflowers80]

Hi - I saw your post about the difficulty of finding a counselor with one car. I know of a non-profit that offers free counseling over the phone. It's a one time service, but the point is for them to guide you in the right direction and maybe help you find someone locally in your area. Might be something to consider! The number is 1800afamily. Let me know if you need more info!

Praying for ya,
mommato2lilmonkeys

[Mr Jingles]

littlebirdee,

How are you feeling about the death of your friend now? Still calm or have things changed?

My hope is always that death is a peaceful sleep, the end of all problems. Or, that if there is an after life or next life that me trying hard to be a good person will mean life might even be a little easier in the next round. :)

[littlebirdee]

littlebirdee,

How are you feeling about the death of your friend now? Still calm or have things changed?

My hope is always that death is a peaceful sleep, the end of all problems. Or, that if there is an after life or next life that me trying hard to be a good person will mean life might even be a little easier in the next round. :)

Today is a hard day, the service for my friend is across the country and my boyfriend and I couldn't possibly afford to fly out on short notice which breaks my heart. We've sent donations to the family which is about all we can do. I don't feel as 'numb' but I'm not panicking so much as just plain old sad, "normal" grief. My boyfriend texted me "he was going to be the best man at our wedding" and that's when I kind of lost it.

My hope is that as more of our friends go "there" the thought of us joining them doesn't sound too bad. Either it is as you say, the end of all problems, or some kind of afterlife, and I have hopefully been living as well as I can in case of that scenario. I don't know. it is kind of hard to wrap my mind around all my goals and accomplishments just being wiped away. It's like pouring hundreds of hours into an art project just to have someone break it and destroy it, but I guess it's hard to compare because there wouldn't be a "me" to care about it in the case of death.

Gotta love being plagued by unanswerable questions. There's that saying that's like "if everyone threw their problems in a pile, everyone would rush to pick theirs up again", but I don't know about that. I feel like would trade my fear of death for everyone else's anxiety problems in a heartbeat, lol. At least those are things that can be solved, like marriage, relationships, new jobs, etc. Death doesn't get beaten by anyone. Maybe that's the source of my anxiety, there's simply no good answer or way out. I just have to live with the uneasy feeling as best as I can.

[Im-Suffering]

You create your future. Death is often a reprise. That sentence will make sense and seem familiar once you are dead to this life.

When you fall asleep you transition over to the dreamer. The dream world then becomes your prime reality. And to the dreamer, your physical waking life is his dream. It could be said you are as dead now as youll ever be. To you the dreamscape is the dead self and to the dreaming self, you are dead. In either case you will always come alive in some reality. Death is an illusion. There is no death, more accurately a momentary pause while you look at a map of the new surroundings. Much like you would do on a vacation.

If you live in new york and travel to mexico you would need this map, and while in mexico your ny self would be dead. Wherever your consciousness focus's is where you come alive. You literally light up the map in that one spot.

In easy to understand terms birth is much more of an immediate shock than death. Birth is the death of the dreamer as it enters 3D reality. You are said to come alive at birth, but there is a death also. There is always a spiritual equivalent to any physical event.

And about the uneasy feelings. Learn to face and solve your problems and much of the unwanted feelings would subside. They are only there because you are turning your back on them. Your feelings are your barometer then, to judge how you are doing in physical reality.

Depression arises from a consistant brooding helpless state cultivated over time about some seemingly unsolvable mental problem (s).

You are meant to learn your lessons. Death as you term it will offer no relief for turning ones back in life. In fact you will have to account for abilities not used.

[Mr Jingles]

That's very sad, especially about being the best man. I would feel a lot of grief were I you.


it is kind of hard to wrap my mind around all my goals and accomplishments just being wiped away. It's like pouring hundreds of hours into an art project just to have someone break it and destroy it,

Yes. So if the above is true, and I believe it is from one perspective, how do we win? Consider the common spiritual teaching of enjoying each step of the project. That way when it's all wiped away, you still win. You won every step of the way.

Meaning of the mind comes from thinking what you've accomplished is meaningful. But meaning of the moment just comes from whatever you're engaged in feeling good, right, inside. So one way to win would be to build toward that. Which could be difficult with anxiety and depression, but certainly more doable than getting over existential concerns about death and meaninglessness.


"if everyone threw their problems in a pile, everyone would rush to pick theirs up again"

I've never heard that quote. But I agree with it. I know I would pick my problems up again. I wouldn't want to, but bad mental habits are hard to break! I hope to learn how to leave problems and other useless stuff dropped.


Maybe that's the source of my anxiety, there's simply no good answer or way out. I just have to live with the uneasy feeling as best as I can.

Yes, if there is meaning in death, I suppose it is to teach us to stop fighting or trying to solve the unsolvable. Death is very powerful. Of course, if we truly learn to accept it, perhaps it ceases to be so powerful. It's no longer running us, we're no longer running from it.

[Matt 93]

Hey I know what it's like I suffer from MDD (major depressive disorder) and severe anxiety. one thing that has been helping me a lot is getting more in touch with god. I started going to church and I found it very comforting. It helps you accept the good and bad things in your life and whenever I leave after a mass, I feel much better. I hope this helps x you're welcome to email me if you need to talk