sae
05-10-2015, 01:18 AM
For the first time in weeks I am having an attack. My panic attacks come in two forms: the "I am going to die if"... I place a bizarre cause and effect on myself to do something random like count the floor tiles, or if I leave a particular room or risk certain death.
The second attacks are fake Heart attacks. I hate these. These are the ones that have landed me in the ER countless times. This is what my night has turned into.
These guys feel just like the real deal, odd jaw pain, numbness in my toes, the crushing pressure, a million tiny needles on my skin, the narrowing of my vision and hearing and my heartbeat is suddenly deafening. I really do hate these simply because they are so indistinguishable from what I have felt from a real heart attack in the past.
The pisser of the situation is that it isn't just a trip to the er, a blood test, an ekg and an all clear for me. My cardiac enzymes stay a little elevated all the time. That is a guaranteed stay at least 2 days for monitoring if I come in with chest pain. For whatever reason the cardiologists around here wants to roto-rooter (heart cath) every single time... pair that up with my penchant for developing HIT (apparently that is the second old man disorder i had developed before 30) at the mere sight of heparin, that's another day to three days of administration of lesser known blood thinners requiring oversight by a hemotologist (and sometimes mis dosing that will cause me to bleed from my gums, my nose, corners of my eyes.. fun stuff)
So in short I go in for a fake Heart attack panic episode and I am released a week later. It's honestly just too much trouble to go through for nothing. You can imagine just how deeply in debt I am. To be honest I owe so much in medical bills now even the lottery couldn't pay them all off. I will die one day some $800,000+ in the hole. A pleasant thought. Let'S not even get started on the single mom shuffle, finding people that can watch the kid while I hang out in a hospital bed scratching at those damned ekg lead stickies. All this over a mind that lies to me.
Perhaps I am simply letting my frustration get the better of me. I honestly thought i had waved my final goodbye to these damnable attacks. It has now been 35 minutes and I haven't dropped dead so logically I should be just fine.
Ahh now the hives have kicked up. It's definitely panic, nothing heart related. I think this might be the only time I am glad to have hives. My heart rate is down from 154 bpm to 112 (still impressive for the sheer amount of beta blockers i am prescribed to dump in my system daily). That is a much nicer number. I really like numbers. They tell so much. BP is a touch high 145/98 but systolic and diastolic correlate normally, indicating no real blood flow restriction.
The benzos are kicking in, can't you tell? My jaw is still a touch sore but that could have easily been caused by grinding my teeth. It's something I do pretty frequently when engrossed in a frustrating project. Speak of which, I really do need to get back to removing all the garbage my kid has accrued on her laptop (spyware, malware, etc). I hate manually removing registry keys.
I itch. I would take a shower but here's my terrible confession for the night. I despise the sensation of water on my skin. I shower twice daily. It's a fat girl in the south reality. It's too hot to skip a shower. Even still I hate it. There is something they use in the city water to condition it that irritates my skin. There is no mistaking damn near everything gives me hives. Tap water should not be one of them.
BP is down to 135/85. I can live with that. Heart rate is down under 100. It never goes lower that 80, even on medication. I should lose more weight.
I used to be a total of 130 something lbs heavier. I'm still obese, but it seems within my physical restrictions I have hit a terrible plateau. I have remained this weight with little variation for 8 months now. I have waged war with my eating compulsion and most days I have won. I eat my small 5 meals a day, cardiac and warfare diets in full flight. I am so limited on what I eat, no fat, avoid sugars, no salt, no leafy greens, no liver, no potatoes, no caffeine... holy shit. I had caffeine with dinner. No wonder I feel like old hairy balls.
I was invited by the bf to have dinner. I threw down on some steamed rice and grilled eggplant since the local Chinese restaurant is used to me and my weird food demands. Usually I order a diet coke but never finish it. Tonight I think I went through 3 refills.
It has been an hour or so. I feel better physically; I have a slight headache. I am embarrassed I allowed it to happen again. I'm glad the kid or the bf weren't here to witness my mini breakdown.
That's all. Just ramblings. I sleep now
The second attacks are fake Heart attacks. I hate these. These are the ones that have landed me in the ER countless times. This is what my night has turned into.
These guys feel just like the real deal, odd jaw pain, numbness in my toes, the crushing pressure, a million tiny needles on my skin, the narrowing of my vision and hearing and my heartbeat is suddenly deafening. I really do hate these simply because they are so indistinguishable from what I have felt from a real heart attack in the past.
The pisser of the situation is that it isn't just a trip to the er, a blood test, an ekg and an all clear for me. My cardiac enzymes stay a little elevated all the time. That is a guaranteed stay at least 2 days for monitoring if I come in with chest pain. For whatever reason the cardiologists around here wants to roto-rooter (heart cath) every single time... pair that up with my penchant for developing HIT (apparently that is the second old man disorder i had developed before 30) at the mere sight of heparin, that's another day to three days of administration of lesser known blood thinners requiring oversight by a hemotologist (and sometimes mis dosing that will cause me to bleed from my gums, my nose, corners of my eyes.. fun stuff)
So in short I go in for a fake Heart attack panic episode and I am released a week later. It's honestly just too much trouble to go through for nothing. You can imagine just how deeply in debt I am. To be honest I owe so much in medical bills now even the lottery couldn't pay them all off. I will die one day some $800,000+ in the hole. A pleasant thought. Let'S not even get started on the single mom shuffle, finding people that can watch the kid while I hang out in a hospital bed scratching at those damned ekg lead stickies. All this over a mind that lies to me.
Perhaps I am simply letting my frustration get the better of me. I honestly thought i had waved my final goodbye to these damnable attacks. It has now been 35 minutes and I haven't dropped dead so logically I should be just fine.
Ahh now the hives have kicked up. It's definitely panic, nothing heart related. I think this might be the only time I am glad to have hives. My heart rate is down from 154 bpm to 112 (still impressive for the sheer amount of beta blockers i am prescribed to dump in my system daily). That is a much nicer number. I really like numbers. They tell so much. BP is a touch high 145/98 but systolic and diastolic correlate normally, indicating no real blood flow restriction.
The benzos are kicking in, can't you tell? My jaw is still a touch sore but that could have easily been caused by grinding my teeth. It's something I do pretty frequently when engrossed in a frustrating project. Speak of which, I really do need to get back to removing all the garbage my kid has accrued on her laptop (spyware, malware, etc). I hate manually removing registry keys.
I itch. I would take a shower but here's my terrible confession for the night. I despise the sensation of water on my skin. I shower twice daily. It's a fat girl in the south reality. It's too hot to skip a shower. Even still I hate it. There is something they use in the city water to condition it that irritates my skin. There is no mistaking damn near everything gives me hives. Tap water should not be one of them.
BP is down to 135/85. I can live with that. Heart rate is down under 100. It never goes lower that 80, even on medication. I should lose more weight.
I used to be a total of 130 something lbs heavier. I'm still obese, but it seems within my physical restrictions I have hit a terrible plateau. I have remained this weight with little variation for 8 months now. I have waged war with my eating compulsion and most days I have won. I eat my small 5 meals a day, cardiac and warfare diets in full flight. I am so limited on what I eat, no fat, avoid sugars, no salt, no leafy greens, no liver, no potatoes, no caffeine... holy shit. I had caffeine with dinner. No wonder I feel like old hairy balls.
I was invited by the bf to have dinner. I threw down on some steamed rice and grilled eggplant since the local Chinese restaurant is used to me and my weird food demands. Usually I order a diet coke but never finish it. Tonight I think I went through 3 refills.
It has been an hour or so. I feel better physically; I have a slight headache. I am embarrassed I allowed it to happen again. I'm glad the kid or the bf weren't here to witness my mini breakdown.
That's all. Just ramblings. I sleep now