tortuga
05-09-2015, 06:29 PM
I will begin by telling you how I remember my mind working. As long as I could remember, my memory was pretty spot on. I could read a book for school once, and for the test I could remember not the exact page but the chapter and position on the page the information I needed was. I’m not saying it was photographic but it sure helped me get good grades. I could listen to a lecture, know there was something important said but keep it in the back of my mind until there was a break, and then go back replay what was said in my mind, and commit it to memory. Additionally, I could take notes and listen to the professor at the same time and I felt as if I could absorb it pretty efficiently. I would often lay awake in bed visualizing my day. Everything I did, how I interacted with people, what they said, etc. Lastly, I could say that I was excelling in situations that made me nervous. It would force myself into a new kind of focus and I thrived off that. All in all, I could characterize myself as sharp. I knew I could be dropped into any situation and succeed.
This ability to loop things in my memory so I could fully understand it actually led to what I believe now was some sort of PTSD. But first I’ll give some background.
I went to 12 years of Catholic school, with the last 4 being at an all boys Catholic high school. Up until 19, there was no doubt in my mind I was heterosexual. I was extremely shy growing up, but I was always attracted to females. I had crushes on my pretty elementary school teachers, was actually kinda turned on by women in high heels, nylons, and skirts for as long as I could remember, interested by girls in high school, had relationships, etc. That being said, I thought of myself as pretty open minded. I thought constantly about my self identity and that of others and how I fit in with them. As a sign of my open mindedness, I would even try to imagine how people could not be heterosexual but it just didn’t make sense to me.
I had a series of life changing events happen within a few months of each other at the age of 19. My mother passed away from cancer. I entered my first real relationship with a girl I loved but didn’t know it until she broke up with me a few months later. I lost my virginity to her also. I was transferred to a new store by my company. Lastly, my best friend and own personal psychiatrist who helped me make sense of my mom passing and this new love and heartbreak, moved to Germany to study abroad for a couple years. These events alone did not lead to my alleged PTSD. In fact, being the analytical guy I am, I could say that I did the best I could to not allow my world to cave in.
What did the trick, however, was the most innocuous of events. As I was attempting to make sense of my new love leaving me, I tried to rekindle with a high school sweetheart. She sent a text that made me realize that she cared more for me than I did her. And it confused the shit out of me. To this day I’m not 100% sure why it had the effect on me that it did. I had envisioned ending up with this girl in high school, but when I met my first REAL love, I guess it threw me. I was not the same boy I used to be. Anyway, after initial intense confusion, a thought creeped to my head. Maybe I’m not heterosexual. I cannot tell you why, but this thought is what set off my alleged PTSD. All of a sudden nothing made sense anymore. Who was I? Was I living a lie this whole time? Was I ignoring signs that I was closeted? Was I a man? What was a man supposed to do? How were they supposed to act? I have never been even slightly sexually attracted to men, was I subconsciously suppressing those feelings? Etc etc etc. All these thoughts like this on a never ending loop at the forefront of my mind. I couldn’t NOT think of this. And of course my outstanding memory and visualization flashed back to all the times I could have been repressing this. I asked myself leading questions and got ambiguous answers. Random thoughts would make me play that whole moment when I got the text and the immediate confusion I felt over and over again. Was there something I missed? And everytime I replayed anything like this in my head my body would activate its sympathetic nervous system. Heart beating, flushed skin, fear, anxiety, racing thoughts, feelings of dread, tunnel vision, inability to concentrate on anything but this train of thought. Naturally, when this type of thing happens multiple times a day, everyday, it becomes impossible to lead a healthy lifestyle. My grades suffered leading me to drop out, I had to quit multiple jobs, and social situations became impossible for me to handle. I isolated myself and this anxiety (PTSD?) morphed into depression and self hatred. I was too ashamed, afraid, and poor to seek regular psychiatric help.
I finally hit rock bottom and did end up reaching out. I was put on Prozac and Wellbutrin. I hated the side effects of both but they did at least stop the downward spiral. Now instead of feeling the intense fear, I felt nothing. No fear, anger, frustration, happiness, joy, connection, intimacy. Nothing. Semi regular therapy sessions helped me slowly climb out of my pit of despair. I have confronted my fears and found that they were unfounded. Not that there would have been anything wrong with me not being heterosexual, its just not who I am. I lead a productive lifestyle now, 7 years later. I finished my degree, I have a long term girlfriend, 3 jobs, good friends, a new car, and a career and life goal. I am progressing everyday on my own.
I try not to compare myself to how I was before, as it often leads to negative thinking and more stress. But I look at my goals and I think how much easier I could attain them if I had the same thinking patterns as I used to. My memory is now shit. I forget things a 26 year old shouldn’t. I assume it comes from me cutting that constant loop that used to help me remember, but led to me looping anxiety-causing thoughts instead. Ill remember things for a certain amount of time and then forget. My ability to stay in the moment (mindful) is lacking to say the least. 7 years of constantly reliving your past will do that. But what is the most frustrating symptom for me is the focus. I mentioned that I used to thrive in situations that made me nervous. The fear would focus me and I would succeed. Tests, interviews, class presentations, meeting new people, game winning shots in basketball. You name it, I could do it. And thus I would not be scared the next time I was in that situation. Now when I encounter situations that make me nervous, I freeze. I hit mental blocks. An unconscious loop of self doubt and self consciousness plays. On the good days, after I encounter a situation like this, I can pick out the unproductive thoughts I had, dissect and discard their negative affect on me. But always after the fact. On the bad days, I try to remember the situation, am unable to keep the train of thought going, and pile anger and frustration that I can’t complete this simple task onto the negative thoughts I already had. I attribute it to my sympathetic nervous system going haywire and activating this response too much. Now I stress out about little things that make me nervous, no matter how much I try to trivialize them. This is NOT who I am but it has a big effect on who I am now. And I want it to change.
In short, I feel like the spark that made me me has gone. It has been gone for a while but I will not believe that it’s gone. I’m just looking for someone or something that can help me get it back. I thank you for taking the time to read this.
This ability to loop things in my memory so I could fully understand it actually led to what I believe now was some sort of PTSD. But first I’ll give some background.
I went to 12 years of Catholic school, with the last 4 being at an all boys Catholic high school. Up until 19, there was no doubt in my mind I was heterosexual. I was extremely shy growing up, but I was always attracted to females. I had crushes on my pretty elementary school teachers, was actually kinda turned on by women in high heels, nylons, and skirts for as long as I could remember, interested by girls in high school, had relationships, etc. That being said, I thought of myself as pretty open minded. I thought constantly about my self identity and that of others and how I fit in with them. As a sign of my open mindedness, I would even try to imagine how people could not be heterosexual but it just didn’t make sense to me.
I had a series of life changing events happen within a few months of each other at the age of 19. My mother passed away from cancer. I entered my first real relationship with a girl I loved but didn’t know it until she broke up with me a few months later. I lost my virginity to her also. I was transferred to a new store by my company. Lastly, my best friend and own personal psychiatrist who helped me make sense of my mom passing and this new love and heartbreak, moved to Germany to study abroad for a couple years. These events alone did not lead to my alleged PTSD. In fact, being the analytical guy I am, I could say that I did the best I could to not allow my world to cave in.
What did the trick, however, was the most innocuous of events. As I was attempting to make sense of my new love leaving me, I tried to rekindle with a high school sweetheart. She sent a text that made me realize that she cared more for me than I did her. And it confused the shit out of me. To this day I’m not 100% sure why it had the effect on me that it did. I had envisioned ending up with this girl in high school, but when I met my first REAL love, I guess it threw me. I was not the same boy I used to be. Anyway, after initial intense confusion, a thought creeped to my head. Maybe I’m not heterosexual. I cannot tell you why, but this thought is what set off my alleged PTSD. All of a sudden nothing made sense anymore. Who was I? Was I living a lie this whole time? Was I ignoring signs that I was closeted? Was I a man? What was a man supposed to do? How were they supposed to act? I have never been even slightly sexually attracted to men, was I subconsciously suppressing those feelings? Etc etc etc. All these thoughts like this on a never ending loop at the forefront of my mind. I couldn’t NOT think of this. And of course my outstanding memory and visualization flashed back to all the times I could have been repressing this. I asked myself leading questions and got ambiguous answers. Random thoughts would make me play that whole moment when I got the text and the immediate confusion I felt over and over again. Was there something I missed? And everytime I replayed anything like this in my head my body would activate its sympathetic nervous system. Heart beating, flushed skin, fear, anxiety, racing thoughts, feelings of dread, tunnel vision, inability to concentrate on anything but this train of thought. Naturally, when this type of thing happens multiple times a day, everyday, it becomes impossible to lead a healthy lifestyle. My grades suffered leading me to drop out, I had to quit multiple jobs, and social situations became impossible for me to handle. I isolated myself and this anxiety (PTSD?) morphed into depression and self hatred. I was too ashamed, afraid, and poor to seek regular psychiatric help.
I finally hit rock bottom and did end up reaching out. I was put on Prozac and Wellbutrin. I hated the side effects of both but they did at least stop the downward spiral. Now instead of feeling the intense fear, I felt nothing. No fear, anger, frustration, happiness, joy, connection, intimacy. Nothing. Semi regular therapy sessions helped me slowly climb out of my pit of despair. I have confronted my fears and found that they were unfounded. Not that there would have been anything wrong with me not being heterosexual, its just not who I am. I lead a productive lifestyle now, 7 years later. I finished my degree, I have a long term girlfriend, 3 jobs, good friends, a new car, and a career and life goal. I am progressing everyday on my own.
I try not to compare myself to how I was before, as it often leads to negative thinking and more stress. But I look at my goals and I think how much easier I could attain them if I had the same thinking patterns as I used to. My memory is now shit. I forget things a 26 year old shouldn’t. I assume it comes from me cutting that constant loop that used to help me remember, but led to me looping anxiety-causing thoughts instead. Ill remember things for a certain amount of time and then forget. My ability to stay in the moment (mindful) is lacking to say the least. 7 years of constantly reliving your past will do that. But what is the most frustrating symptom for me is the focus. I mentioned that I used to thrive in situations that made me nervous. The fear would focus me and I would succeed. Tests, interviews, class presentations, meeting new people, game winning shots in basketball. You name it, I could do it. And thus I would not be scared the next time I was in that situation. Now when I encounter situations that make me nervous, I freeze. I hit mental blocks. An unconscious loop of self doubt and self consciousness plays. On the good days, after I encounter a situation like this, I can pick out the unproductive thoughts I had, dissect and discard their negative affect on me. But always after the fact. On the bad days, I try to remember the situation, am unable to keep the train of thought going, and pile anger and frustration that I can’t complete this simple task onto the negative thoughts I already had. I attribute it to my sympathetic nervous system going haywire and activating this response too much. Now I stress out about little things that make me nervous, no matter how much I try to trivialize them. This is NOT who I am but it has a big effect on who I am now. And I want it to change.
In short, I feel like the spark that made me me has gone. It has been gone for a while but I will not believe that it’s gone. I’m just looking for someone or something that can help me get it back. I thank you for taking the time to read this.