The return

[Irishguy]

I joined here last year, was having some pretty big problems, they all stem from this one girl, (but in fairness there are deeper rooted issues).

I'll make this as short as I can. We were best friends, inseparable, she had a boyfriend. I fell head over heals for her. I got a bit needy (the deeper issues) and it led to fights. Never made a move while she was in a relationship though. We had a massive fight that took months to recover from. She then breaks up with her boyfriend, and at the same time starts ignoring me, we work together so I see her every day.

Another few months pass. I just ask her out. I had to get it out of my system. She says no. She was kinda harsh about it but genuinely a weight was lifted. I asked her what was wrong over the past few months and she said in the last few months of her relationship it really hurt her that I cared more about her than her boyfriend did. So essentially she hated me for caring too much about her. We had clear the air talks and I thought it would get better.

We're now 6 months down the line and I feel like we're strangers now. We talk and are friendly but she's a vault now. Won't tell me anything real and we never hang out. I can't say anything to her cause it pushes her further away. I don't want to be with her anymore, (well at least I accept it won't happen), but I still miss my best friend.

So this is making me miserable. It makes me hate my job that I used to really like. I feel isolated in work. All my close friends are in relationships and I feel like I have no one in my life. I haven't been doing well in exams in work so I feel like I'm trapped. I think I should leave there to get away from her but at the same time I feel like why should I leave a place I used to love and a job I know I'm good at. And all this, no matter how badly she may treat me, I still think the world of her and just want her back in my life.

I went to counselling last year for about 6 months and while I thought it worked, I only really felt better when i got on better with this girl. My mood and therefore my life is driven by my relationship with her. But she really doesn't want me a part of her life.

Reading this back as I type make me think it's obvious I should just cut her out. But then when I think of how I have no one else....I just go back around the loop.

I was not planning on going on and on like this when I started typing. I just feel so low.

[gypsylee]

Welcome back :) what are the deeper issues?

[Mr Jingles]

Irish,


My mood and therefore my life is driven by my relationship with her. But she really doesn't want me a part of her life.

Reading this back as I type make me think it's obvious I should just cut her out. But then when I think of how I have no one else....I just go back around the loop.

It's easy to be driven by one aspect of our lives when life is challenging. And depression is great at locking us into behavioral and thinking loops.

Perhaps you do need to change your relationship to her, even cut it for a time or permanently. Or perhaps redefine it, accept it a piece at a time. Many options. Give yourself options. And I hope you take care of yourself. Depression is painful. Love can be painful.

What kinds of thoughts and feelings tend to loop when you're stuck "in the loop?"

[Irishguy]

Gypsylee,

Deeper issues of being incredibly lonely and never feeling like I have someone to bear my soul to. I have been very fortunate to have a loving family, but I am approaching 30 and I've never had an intimate relationship. It makes me feel worthless, like there's something wrong with me. This girl had changed that. Even though she was with someone she made me feel incredible, like there was hope I would find someone someday, and it brought out a better, more confident side of me. Then it all came crashing down and now that she doesn't want to be close with me makes me feel more worthless than I ever did.

Jingles,

I do agree with you. I'm finding it so hard to do so. In the office I think I have reigned it in a lot, and accepted she won't come to me on certain things. But when we're out socially with work I can't cope. I miss when she used to confide in me, when she used to laugh and joke with me, and be there for me. There is a guy in work so I'm incredibly close with but as I said above having never had an intimate relationship with a woman it made me cling on to this one even more.

When I'm in the loop I just really hate myself. I just think how I could be doing so much more. How I'm wasting my life, and I just destroy myself from the inside. Today has been an awful day. I've developed a habit of muttering to myself too. It's not subtle, I've been caught just muttering things I hate about myself by a few people. I can't seem to stop that either.

Really appreciate the help guys.

[Mr Jingles]

When I'm in the loop I just really hate myself. I just think how I could be doing so much more. How I'm wasting my life, and I just destroy myself from the inside. Today has been an awful day. I've developed a habit of muttering to myself too. It's not subtle, I've been caught just muttering things I hate about myself by a few people. I can't seem to stop that either.

I have that similar feeling of wasting my life. I tend to do more self judgement than self hate, but definitely in the same ballpark. And it sure does feel like destroying myself from the inside, as you described it. I recognize the thinking and efforts are so useless, that I'd get a far better return on investment if I just did the "oh F it!" Technique. But there's a part of me that refuses to let go, just loops...

Oh, and glad to help. I never really know what to say. I just figure it's nice to hear someone at least took the time to read it and goes through similar things.

[Pumpkin]

I can somewhat feel your pain but it's sort of different for me. I feel these ways towards close friends of mine. I hate that feeling of drifting away so i'll always check in to make sure things are okay but then I start feel naggy and annoying.

I've accepted the fact that i'm not ready for a serious relationship (i'm 19 years old) which is probably why I get so attached to my friends. Caring about someone and not feeling the same in return is TERRIBLE. I guess I can just be a weird and obsessive person.

I really hope you can get over this girl and move on to bigger and better things.... your life will definitely be a lot better once you do. Good luck!!

[RoderickLariviere]

I've accepted the fact that i'm not ready for a serious relationship (i'm 19 years old) which is probably why I get so attached to my friends. Caring about someone and not feeling the same in return is TERRIBLE. I guess I can just be a weird and obsessive person.


I completely agree with your thought. You need to come out of this problem by yourself don't hope others will help you.