Hoping for hope

[MaggieBelle]

Hello there. I'm a 44 year old female and I suffer from general anxiety, social anxiety, low self-esteem, mild depression and insomnia. I think I've suffered from social anxiety most of my life, but I had less fear and more confidence when I was younger. Lately I am noticing my anxiety worsening, especially during PMS. I can't think straight, I'm nervous a lot, can't sit still or feel comfortable in my own skin, I can't handle stress well at all.

I think I had my first panic attack this year, I was in line at the Walmart in Mexico. I got dizzy and almost passed out. I never fainted before so it was scary, I went to the doctor, a holistic MD (also trained in traditional medicine). He did the basic tests and thyroid tests, & all was fine. He gave me some homeopathic rx and some other bizarre therapies. It hasn't made a noticeable difference. I feel like I've tried EVERYTHING. Here's the short list:

Natural supplements of all kinds, adaptogenic herbs, and the protocol in the book The Mood Cure, by Julia Ross. GAPS diet, paleo diet, anti-inflammatory diet, gluten free, grain free (mo
Tests for thyroid etc. Tests for some hormones, but feel this might need to be more thorough based on the PMS issues.
Hypnotherapy, traditional talk therapy, holistic life coaching, cognitive behavior therapy, faith & prayer, joining a church, reiki and energy healing
Gratitude lists, tapping, acupuncture, yoga, exercise, meditation, workshops, Power of Now, and other similar books, law of attraction, etc. (some of this might work but I can't stick with it)
SSRI's (celexa) and benzos (ativan, valium) I am not currently taking SSRI's but I use valium once in a while for insomnia.

There's more, but let's just say this has been an ongoing project for over 10 years. Some days it's not so bad, but lord help me if I encounter a "bad" day, like if I get criticized or if I have to stand up for myself & set a boundary with someone. My mind will just spiral out of control thinking and I replay the event in my head for the next 24 hours, blaming myself for and feeling like I've done something really bad. I slip into victim mode really easily.

I joined this group for support because I feel too insecure talking to friends about it. I want people to think I'm this cool, happy chick, I just feel like most people want fair weather friends and my constant complaining is a big downer. I don't even enjoy my own company sometimes so why would anybody else?

I often wonder if there is any hope for me because I feel like I've tried everything...I'm kind of at my wits end...do I just live my life in fear, not living up to my potential? Am I doomed to accept an unhappy and meaningless life? There's got to be SOMETHING that works. By the way I'm PMS right now, and this is how it feels today. Plus I had a bad work experience this week which I will share in another post. Thanks so much for listening and being here.
xo

[gypsylee]

Hi MaggieBelle and welcome,

Well you sound like a cool chick to me, and I'm pretty much as cool as you get ;) You can be anxious AND cool you know. But I know what you mean.

I'm just a few years younger than you and I guess what's "worked" for me is being pushed to the absolute limits of what anxiety can do. I won't go into detail here but what I'm saying is, there's no hard and fast advice I can give as to "what works" because it doesn't exist, if you know what I mean. That said, I use my experience to try and help people find their own way through it.

PMS definitely magnifies anxiety though. I don't think people realise how much.

Anyway there's lots of support here - some good and some not so good..

Cheers,
Gypsy x

[Mr Jingles]

MaggieBelle,

You have been working very hard at this! The good news is that you can probably rule out a strictly physical cause with all the tests and such you've done.

For me, a natural response to fear is to act, either a lot of thinking and solving, or like you, taking actions on the situation.

Have you tried NOT trying everything yet? Sometimes the best thing to test is the opposite of what comes naturally. At a level you can handle, of course.

[MaggieBelle]

Hi Gypsy, thanks I think I am cool, lol. I look forward to getting to know everyone here and learning your stories. It's just difficult not being able to move forward in life and bring my coolness to its full potential :)

Hola Mr. Jingles, actually funny you mention this, I do go through periods where I do nothing and kind of surrender to it all and try to just accept myself. And, well, that hasn't really worked either, lol. I just keep thinking there has got to be something out there that can shift me in to this person I want to be. I try as much as possible to accept myself for who I am, but I am not experiencing life the way I see many people are.

I don't have many close friendships, I see other people in amazing relationships with amazing friends and family support. I can't stand facebook with all the snaps of life of surprise birthday parties, flower deliveries from boyfriends on valentine's day, friends travelling to amazing places together, all this love that I feel does not exist in my life. I haven't been in a real relationship in over 10 years. I feel like I'm broken somehow, unloveable. It's quite an icky feeling. I observe the behavior of seemingly well adjusted people a lot and I wonder what it is that THEY are doing differently. and I'm hese people don't seem much different to me, except sometimes a bit more bubbly personality, so I try to mimic that.

I've been reading Dale Carnegie how to win friends and influence people and so now I've stopped talking about myself, lol (it actually works). But I need to talk about myself too because I am also human and self absorbed, lol. So I think that's one reason why I'm here. I also like to help other people, to a fault sometimes. I'm a big people pleaser. Anyway, thanks for being here, off to work but m

[gypsylee]

We'll bring your coolness to its full potential hahaha.

[Mr Jingles]

It's just difficult not being able to move forward in life and bring my coolness to its full potential

Well said. I have that lament, too. I've been trying my whole life, lots of effort, (much of it I can't seem to stop) to move forward and reach my potential. Lately I wonder, as I see the effort is not working, and that anxiety has put those efforts into hyper speed... Well, I'm not totally sure what I see.

Sort of see that even when I surrendered before I was still trying to figure out the right way to do it, and still had the agenda of avoiding suffering. And still trying to control the surrender!

To be honest, I think life has other plans than my so called ones. Maybe I've actually been moving forward during my anxiety years and before when I was "happier" I was actually stuck. And part of me is entering this weird bring on the fear state some days, like I'm finally ready to face it. Or surrender... Or weirdly, I want it, because it feels wrong to keep pushing it away.

No answers here, but new questions coming out of my experience.

[Im-Suffering]

Why doesn't anyone give her a straight answer? I will not be here forever and I need a benefactor.

The answers are always between the lines. For if they were able to see clearly there would be no need for posts here, or they would read entirely different, as I have done below in the next post by editing the OP.

[Im-Suffering]

I've gotten rid of the fluff and filler, edited your post for 'bullet points':

Take each sentence independently. Each one expresses an individual belief, that comprises the overall psychological atmosphere (mentally) fertile for anxiety and stress. In that context all readers here can benefit by weighing their own thoughts against what they see here for similarities.

After each sentence, put a *period, and break. Reflect for a moment on what has been said (in just that sentence) and move on. Each sentence is an 'I AM statement of fact' or personal belief.




I suffer from general anxiety, social anxiety, low self-esteem, mild depression and insomnia.

I can't think straight, I'm nervous a lot, can't sit still or feel comfortable in my own skin, I can't handle stress well at all.
.

I feel like I've tried EVERYTHING.
..


if I get criticized or if I have to stand up for myself & set a boundary with someone. My mind will just spiral out of control thinking and I replay the event in my head for the next 24 hours, blaming myself for and feeling like I've done something really bad.

I slip into victim mode really easily.


my constant complaining is a big downer.

I don't even enjoy my own company sometimes so why would anybody else?

I often wonder if there is any hope for me

not living up to my potential?

Am I doomed to accept an unhappy and meaningless life?

There's got to be SOMETHING that works



She has indeed tried 'everything' short of examining her value judgments. Her system of beliefs and the experiences throughout life (recapitulation) that if healed would completely overhaul every aspect of her reality to be in line with a more constructive, beneficial, fulfilling, experience. We have :

The fear of criticism

Low esteem

Low value or worth

Shame

Guilt

Probably associated with some form of abuse, whether verbal, physical, or sexual. Examining the childhood into adulthood conditioning, the dynamics of the family (caretakers), the household beliefs as a whole, the father and his personality would expose what needs to heal mentally first, before she sees any physical changes.

From the OP:

I have tried -

"Hypnotherapy, traditional talk therapy, holistic life coaching, cognitive behavior therapy, faith & prayer, joining a church, reiki and energy healing."

One must stop the running, the relying on some sort of rain dance to change the weather. Rather to take the reins and sit still, go within, earnestly. Seek and ye shall find was only half the mystical truth. Seek and ye shall find thy expectations made flesh. You only see what you expect to see. Any one of those methods listed above could have triggered a realization if she believed in it to begin with. And so often times even with weak but good intent, everything fails because that is what is truly expected. A children's game of merry go round and hide and seek plays out.

[jessed03]

Suff - If you ever have time, making a post on beliefs would be really helpful for a lot of people. I don't think there is one on the forum at the moment, though I haven't searched the whole thing, so don't quote me on that.

Could probably get it stickied too, so over the years hundreds of thousands of people would see it.

[Kuma]

Why doesn't anyone give her a straight answer?

Because the rest of us are not as insightful as you are, and we lack your special powers.


I will not be here forever

Wow. What will we do when you depart? I cannot contemplate such a thing.

[gypsylee]

Why doesn't anyone give her a straight answer? I will not be here forever and I need a benefactor.

The answers are always between the lines. For if they were able to see clearly there would be no need for posts here, or they would read entirely different, as I have done below in the next post by editing the OP.

Didn't we already establish that Jesse is taking over? :)

[NixonRulz]

Why doesn't anyone give her a straight answer? I will not be here forever and I need a benefactor.

The answers are always between the lines. For if they were able to see clearly there would be no need for posts here, or they would read entirely different, as I have done below in the next post by editing the OP.

I would like to say I could pick up the slack but.....

I usually just tell people to take Rescue Remedy

I don't even know what that shit is

[gypsylee]

I would like to say I could pick up the slack but.....

I usually just tell people to take Rescue Remedy

I don't even know what that shit is

Just LOL....

[jessed03]

Didn't we already establish that Jesse is taking over? :)

Nooo. I'm in semi-retirement stage. I've been here for four years already.

[Im-Suffering]

Too funny. ^

[gypsylee]

It'll have to be me then I guess LOL.

[jessed03]

It'll have to be me then I guess LOL.

You can start your apprenticeship by getting Suff a chai. Chop-chop, woman. :)

[Mr Jingles]

One must stop the running, the relying on some sort of rain dance to change the weather. Rather to take the reins and sit still, go within, earnestly.
...
And so often times even with weak but good intent, everything fails because that is what is truly expected. A children's game of merry go round and hide and seek plays out. .

+1

This describes my experience aptly. I've decided to get off the merry go round and give myself a break.

BUT... I wonder if I ever would have been able to get off if I hadn't developed the intrinsic motivation. The motivation was not a result of my effort. It came from being tired, dizzy, and nauseous from too much time on the merry go round.

[gypsylee]

You can start your apprenticeship by getting Suff a chai. Chop-chop, woman. :)

I'm picturing Kill Bill?