anxiety and fear

[ohgodnotyou]

I've always been the worried and anxious type. Lately though it's been unbearable. I'm almost 30. I'm overweight. I drink more often than I should. I smoke. All of these factors are part of it. I know that if I could start to live a 100% healthy lifestyle things would change dramatically. However, I went 2 weeks without drinking any alcohol, and I'm now living in fear that alcohol will give me the worst panic attacks anxiety or maybe just kill me. I have been on zoloft for years they recently put me on .5 clonazapam and that helped at first but now that scares me too. I always feel like there's air trapped in my chest. The doctor checked my thyroid and did an ekg. They say they didn't see anything abnormal. But if that's true why do I feel this way? Sometimes I get into such a deep depression I just cry hysterically for hours. I feel like my life is over before it's even began. I used to not care if I lived or died but now that I'm the mother to an amazing 5 year old one of my biggest fear is dying and not being there for her. How can I change so much in a decade that this is now a constant worry for me? I feel like there's something wrong with me, I'm broken. I hate going to work, I hate talking to people. If I could just lay in bed all week and have the bills paid and the chores done I'd be happy to do that. I have no motivation anymore. I used to be so excited to be getting a degree now I just don't care about school. I can't talk to my friends and family because I've done it so often and I just say the same things anyways, they don't get it. They don't understand how it feels. If they do, then they're downplaying it. I feel dizzy. I get lightheaded and shaky. The fear begins to creep in. The thoughts that maybe this isn't normal, that something isn't right. The world begins to close around me. Anyone around me becomes a threat. My heart is pounding. I feel like I can't breathe, even though the breath I'd still coming in and out. I'm seeing bursts of color, spots, and then I run to the bathroom. I have horrible diarrhea that leaves me clammy and shaky. The threat isn't over, but I can't leave the bathroom. The breathing is faster now, stronger. I'm spinning. I cry out, for help, for relief, for anything to make this feeling stop. How can I be in charge, how can I be the adult, when I'm so weak?

[gypsylee]

I've always been the worried and anxious type. Lately though it's been unbearable. I'm almost 30. I'm overweight. I drink more often than I should. I smoke. All of these factors are part of it. I know that if I could start to live a 100% healthy lifestyle things would change dramatically. However, I went 2 weeks without drinking any alcohol, and I'm now living in fear that alcohol will give me the worst panic attacks anxiety or maybe just kill me. I have been on zoloft for years they recently put me on .5 clonazapam and that helped at first but now that scares me too. I always feel like there's air trapped in my chest. The doctor checked my thyroid and did an ekg. They say they didn't see anything abnormal. But if that's true why do I feel this way? Sometimes I get into such a deep depression I just cry hysterically for hours. I feel like my life is over before it's even began. I used to not care if I lived or died but now that I'm the mother to an amazing 5 year old one of my biggest fear is dying and not being there for her. How can I change so much in a decade that this is now a constant worry for me? I feel like there's something wrong with me, I'm broken. I hate going to work, I hate talking to people. If I could just lay in bed all week and have the bills paid and the chores done I'd be happy to do that. I have no motivation anymore. I used to be so excited to be getting a degree now I just don't care about school. I can't talk to my friends and family because I've done it so often and I just say the same things anyways, they don't get it. They don't understand how it feels. If they do, then they're downplaying it. I feel dizzy. I get lightheaded and shaky. The fear begins to creep in. The thoughts that maybe this isn't normal, that something isn't right. The world begins to close around me. Anyone around me becomes a threat. My heart is pounding. I feel like I can't breathe, even though the breath I'd still coming in and out. I'm seeing bursts of color, spots, and then I run to the bathroom. I have horrible diarrhea that leaves me clammy and shaky. The threat isn't over, but I can't leave the bathroom. The breathing is faster now, stronger. I'm spinning. I cry out, for help, for relief, for anything to make this feeling stop. How can I be in charge, how can I be the adult, when I'm so weak?

Hi and welcome. I like your user name :)

I don't drink (very often) anymore but I smoke and I'm pretty lazy. Why are you living in fear about the alcohol?

I can relate to pretty much everything you've written. Life with a five year old isn't easy. Hell, life isn't easy.

Anyway there's plenty of support here so stick around.

Cheers,
Gypsy x

[Mr Jingles]

ohgodnotyou,

You are not alone in your experience. If your experience qualifies you as broken, then so am I.

Like you, I often worry about my ability to cope with my responsibilities to myself and others. Anxiety is so debilitating. And yet, if I look at things objectively, I am coping. Am I doing it right? No. Am i a success right now? Not. But...

I am surviving. I always seem to get the most basic basics done. My thoughts, my expectations, say I'm failing. OK, arguable. But I'm still here. And what my thoughts really worry is going to happen, total inability to cope with anything, hasn't happened. One step at a time.

It sounds like you're expecting a lot of yourself in many areas. Is this normal for you, or has the anxiety ratcheted up the expectations, the seriousness about life?