mrslizzyg0
05-07-2015, 12:45 PM
Just a warning, this post will not be short… But I would appreciate anyone reading it and giving some advice, even sharing similar experience is helpful.
I feel like I am at a loss here.. I’m honestly not even sure what my “real” diagnoses SHOULD be. I have been told I have Generalized anxiety disorder, Panic disorder, and depression. Currently I am not taking any medications, but I trialed SO MANY for 3 years that I just gave up. Most of them were SSRI’s, they caused miserable side effects. There were a couple of anti- anxiety that only helped slightly. I have tried benzo’s- I loved these for on-hand during panic attacks and also occ. for sleep, but I was too scared to go on them constantly, didn’t want to become dependent. Eventually doctors started getting freaked out over the whole addiction epidemic and stopped giving them to me completely(No, I was never an abuser.) At one point a doctor tried an anti-psychotic(not really sure why?), and it caused MAJOR depression and panic for a few hours.
After feeling completely failed by PCP doctors(a few different ones) & a couple of therapist, I just quit trying that route completely. I decided to go for herbal alternatives. I wish I would have just saved my money because nothing helped except maybe with sleeping at night.
Currently, I just make sure I have a healthy diet & exercise 5 days a week. I also take Vitamin D. It was working ok for a couple of months but now I am getting right back into my depression/anxiety state.
It’s confusing because I have these days where I feel great.. I wake up really happy & stay that way all day long. I love life and I love myself. Then I have other days where I am just a worry wart. I CANNOT stop thinking about stressful things and past conflicts(within a week or two of their occurrence, not from years before.) My lows days are A LOT more often than my days where I feel good. It’s not like “mania”, either. I don’t do risky behaviors, abuse drugs/alcohol, have spending sprees, etc on the days I feel good.. And on the days I feel bad I’m not lying in bed all day long hating myself. I function fairly well with my job… If people don’t know me personally they would probably never guess I struggle.
The time it REALLY comes out, is in moment of high stress. For example, if my husband and I get in a fight on one of my “low” days(which is the main reason I have joined this forum.. it’s getting bad) I freak out. Panic ensues: increased heart rate, sweating, trembling. I yell & I feel like I cannot logically think through what is happening. I feel like I cannot control it. The next day I feel guilty and terrible for acting the way I did- even if my husband forgives me. That guilt carries for days and so the anxiety just keeps getting worse until another thing sets me off. I know I cannot keep treating him that way, he deserves better. I also deserve to not panic when anything goes wrong. I KNOW it is not logical.. But there isn’t an “off” switch.
What should I do? I feel so failed by doctors and medicine… But it’s starting to seem like my last resort again.
Sorry for the long post… I have been holding a lot of this in.. No one really gets to hear about this side of me.
I feel like I am at a loss here.. I’m honestly not even sure what my “real” diagnoses SHOULD be. I have been told I have Generalized anxiety disorder, Panic disorder, and depression. Currently I am not taking any medications, but I trialed SO MANY for 3 years that I just gave up. Most of them were SSRI’s, they caused miserable side effects. There were a couple of anti- anxiety that only helped slightly. I have tried benzo’s- I loved these for on-hand during panic attacks and also occ. for sleep, but I was too scared to go on them constantly, didn’t want to become dependent. Eventually doctors started getting freaked out over the whole addiction epidemic and stopped giving them to me completely(No, I was never an abuser.) At one point a doctor tried an anti-psychotic(not really sure why?), and it caused MAJOR depression and panic for a few hours.
After feeling completely failed by PCP doctors(a few different ones) & a couple of therapist, I just quit trying that route completely. I decided to go for herbal alternatives. I wish I would have just saved my money because nothing helped except maybe with sleeping at night.
Currently, I just make sure I have a healthy diet & exercise 5 days a week. I also take Vitamin D. It was working ok for a couple of months but now I am getting right back into my depression/anxiety state.
It’s confusing because I have these days where I feel great.. I wake up really happy & stay that way all day long. I love life and I love myself. Then I have other days where I am just a worry wart. I CANNOT stop thinking about stressful things and past conflicts(within a week or two of their occurrence, not from years before.) My lows days are A LOT more often than my days where I feel good. It’s not like “mania”, either. I don’t do risky behaviors, abuse drugs/alcohol, have spending sprees, etc on the days I feel good.. And on the days I feel bad I’m not lying in bed all day long hating myself. I function fairly well with my job… If people don’t know me personally they would probably never guess I struggle.
The time it REALLY comes out, is in moment of high stress. For example, if my husband and I get in a fight on one of my “low” days(which is the main reason I have joined this forum.. it’s getting bad) I freak out. Panic ensues: increased heart rate, sweating, trembling. I yell & I feel like I cannot logically think through what is happening. I feel like I cannot control it. The next day I feel guilty and terrible for acting the way I did- even if my husband forgives me. That guilt carries for days and so the anxiety just keeps getting worse until another thing sets me off. I know I cannot keep treating him that way, he deserves better. I also deserve to not panic when anything goes wrong. I KNOW it is not logical.. But there isn’t an “off” switch.
What should I do? I feel so failed by doctors and medicine… But it’s starting to seem like my last resort again.
Sorry for the long post… I have been holding a lot of this in.. No one really gets to hear about this side of me.