Huge Anxiety Spike

[lareth]

I was writing here around three years ago. I had enormous anxiety, and I was hospitalized soon after.

I haven't felt really bad in ages. Now, when I've exercised for a few months, feeling happy etc, I just got a huge spike in anxiety, and I mean borderline cry fit, just like 3 years ago. Three years ago I started crying and it wouldn't stop for a month, from morning to night. And then I ended up in hospital after I decided to end my life. I can't take this anymore.. I have a girlfriend now, I thought I had worked out most of my problems and I thought I was almost in the clear. I knew the real issue would always just lurk in the background, but I thought that maybe I could just somehow make it through this life without suicide or a permanent life in hospital. I feel I had worked quite hard to give up on a lot of things, to accept life as it is, and then maybe begin enjoying it.

But apparently not. I don't want to go to hospital, especially now that things were good, and especially that I know, that this will just jump at me again when I get out and when I stop taking the addictive drugs. I dont' want to lose my life again, I don't want to go insane, it is so fucking scary. I wish this would just go away now.

[av1988]

I was writing here around three years ago. I had enormous anxiety, and I was hospitalized soon after.

I haven't felt really bad in ages. Now, when I've exercised for a few months, feeling happy etc, I just got a huge spike in anxiety, and I mean borderline cry fit, just like 3 years ago. Three years ago I started crying and it wouldn't stop for a month, from morning to night. And then I ended up in hospital after I decided to end my life. I can't take this anymore.. I have a girlfriend now, I thought I had worked out most of my problems and I thought I was almost in the clear. I knew the real issue would always just lurk in the background, but I thought that maybe I could just somehow make it through this life without suicide or a permanent life in hospital. I feel I had worked quite hard to give up on a lot of things, to accept life as it is, and then maybe begin enjoying it.

But apparently not. I don't want to go to hospital, especially now that things were good, and especially that I know, that this will just jump at me again when I get out and when I stop taking the addictive drugs. I dont' want to lose my life again, I don't want to go insane, it is so fucking scary. I wish this would just go away now.

Hi there. I see you're in pain. I was in pain before. I had panic attacks every day. Every morning I spent wondering when my next attack would be. Ending one's life due to these curable problems is not the solution. I am sure you are an amazing person. There is NOTHING wrong with receiving treatment. I thank god for the doctors that work tirelessly to treat anxiety and depression.

[Mr Jingles]

I can relate to your disappointment and fear. One if the worst parts of my own anxiety journey has been times when I was feeling some success, control, confidence and HOPE... And then the thoughts or panic crash the party. Those experiences scare me, depress me, and make me wonder if I'll ever feel safe again.

How long has this recent bit of anxiety been? When did it start and how often is it hitting you this time?

[Im-Suffering]

Come back now, lareth. We need to have a word with you.

I have altered the first half of your post in the quote below to reflect your real thoughts and the reason the issues resurfaced. You simply cannot hide any longer. That is not the purpose.

Read: (rewritten)-




I knew the real issue would always just lurk in the background, but I thought that maybe I could just somehow bury it, not face it, sweep it under the rug, run from it, ignore it.. - All the while repressing my true feelings - fearing it, crying over it, brooding and lamenting my misfortune, playing victim, sulking, doubt and worry, guilt (suppressing it all) then it would go away enough to just barely make it through life faking and bluffing my way through with a half smile, because deep down I would always be hurting.



Fixed ^

Suicides for the most part refuse to face life unless life itself bends to accommodate some set of self imposed rigid terms. So naturally you started to feel a bit better when you loosened that grip. However, the real issue was never addressed, and since that is one of your major life purposes, to face it and heal it, you are not done yet. Is it scary? Not as scary as running. When you run from something, you psychologically (to yourself) imply fear.

What you face loses its grip and the illusion is revealed, along with the true nature and purpose of the experience. This is growth and learning.

Face the real issue. Heal and release its energies, and you will cry (brood) no more. (over the same problems). Instead the brief glimpses of happiness you felt in the past few years will become your dominant state.

[Mr Jingles]

Im-Suffering said:
Suicides for the most part refuse to face life unless life itself bends to accommodate some set of self imposed rigid terms. So naturally you started to feel a bit better when you loosened that grip.

I agree. My biggest cause of suffering is rigid expectations. Which cause anxiety. Which causes even more rigid expectations. Which eventually causes so much exhaustion that I am forced to physically and mentally loosen the grip. And then peace.