sb738801
05-03-2015, 11:23 AM
I have been struggling with constant "what-if's" for my entire life. Only in the past several months have they developed into a full blown anxiety disorder… sparked by experiencing a lot of major changes in my life. I have been to some dark places, been terrified and confused, felt lost and alone as I'm sure many of you have. As afraid as I have been of dying (from literally anything and everything), of losing my mind, and of hurting myself or others, it's almost shocking that none of those things have ever happened. Not even close.
Anxiety is SO good at tricking us that we don't even see it coming. It becomes a new thought pattern full of fear and constant worry. We think that there must be something else wrong with us- something that the doctors haven't diagnosed and that the therapists haven't figured out. Even when we do realize that it IS anxiety, we struggle to get rid of it and wonder when it will just go away.
That's the problem, we STRUGGLE to GET RID of it. This constant battle is making things so much worse. It's continuing the cycle of constant fear and worry and we get so caught up in it that it consumes us. Think about before you had this constant anxiety and how you felt then. When you woke up in the morning, did you even think about anxiety? Even once? Sure, you probably had a few fearful thoughts throughout the day but did you let them completely take over your life? No. Because your mind wasn't wired to think that way. It was more focused on LIFE and the real world than on you and your problems.
I have finally begun to make some major changes in my thinking and I can already feel myself regaining clarity. After struggling with THICK derealization, brain fog, and depression for the past month- I finally get it. I've tried every day to be "less anxious" and then would constantly check back in with myself and ask: is it gone yet? Am I normal yet? This constant checking in continued the cycle and made me even more depressed when I realized I was still in this awful state. The changes that I've made include getting on with life as usual and not constantly checking in with myself. Most importantly-- realizing that these scary thoughts that still flash through my mind ARE NOT MY THOUGHTS. They are the product of a fatigued mind crying out for a break. I was responding to my thoughts so often that I didn't even realize I was doing it. I was still trying to convince myself that this strange feeling was something more sinister but it isn't! I've been tricked SO easily that it's making me angry… at myself. For not seeing this pattern sooner. I've wasted so much time obsessing and obsessing and for what?!?! All it's done is put my life completely on hold and made me MISERABLE in the process. It's affected my career, my relationship with my family and my husband. It's been NOTHING but a waste of time.
WHY do we have to wake up in the morning and ask, how will I feel today? I never had to do that before. Why now? WHY do I need to label myself as having an anxiety disorder? It doesn't have to be a part of me. I'm giving up the fight. I'm letting the worries go. SO much easier said than done, of course. But, with practice, patience, and time it will become second nature. Medication can help temporarily, yes. But to be totally cured you need to change your thought processes. Recognize the negative, scary, obsessive thoughts and label them as anxiety. Don't push them away, give them as much space as they need and they WILL pass.
What I've tried is a worry journal. I've been so worried about my memory for the past month along with the "brain fog" and unreal feelings that I thought I MUST be crazy. It's almost funny, I can remember my daily worries SO clearly but forget what I ate for lunch. So clearly, my memory and focus are still intact, I'm just concentrating way too hard on the wrong things. After I write down my worries, (there are a lot) I read them back to myself and (almost) have to laugh. I'll share some with you… maybe you can relate:
--Am I allergic to bananas? Last time I ate one, my mouth felt a little itchy. If I eat this banana will I go into anaphylactic shock and die? What if I do and no one is here to call an ambulance?
--It feels like there's a hair stuck in my throat. Is there? (I proceed to check) Why is my throat so tight? Is it closing? Am I dying?
--My stomach feels strange, did I eat too much? Can stomachs explode? What if it does?! Is it appendicitis? It must be.
--My breathing sounds weird… am I wheezing? Am I developing asthma? No. Wait… am I?
--Why am I so lightheaded? Am I going to pass out and die?!
…you get the point. This is how my mind is currently wired to think. Recognizing that is the first step. Learning and implementing changes is the next.
I've been in therapy for months now- trying to get to the "root" of my anxiety. Guess what, there isn't one. Yes, I've been through major life changes which certainly triggered the anxiety, but the problem is because of my reaction to the stress. My obsession over these thoughts and feelings. I've been trying to "figure everything out" for so long and it's EXHAUSTING. I'm putting down the gasoline that I've been pouring on this fire for much too long now. I'm done trying to fight it. Now that I have, I can feel it lifting. I've felt more like myself in the past week than I have in a long time. And all it's taking is a change of attitude. Do yourself a favor, give up the fight. Stop trying to figure everything out. You're not sick, your mind is just sending you faulty messages and you're reacting to them the wrong way. Do yourself a real favor and start reading up on what anxiety is doing to your mind and how you can start to reverse it. Educate yourself… it will help more than anything else.
Anxiety is SO good at tricking us that we don't even see it coming. It becomes a new thought pattern full of fear and constant worry. We think that there must be something else wrong with us- something that the doctors haven't diagnosed and that the therapists haven't figured out. Even when we do realize that it IS anxiety, we struggle to get rid of it and wonder when it will just go away.
That's the problem, we STRUGGLE to GET RID of it. This constant battle is making things so much worse. It's continuing the cycle of constant fear and worry and we get so caught up in it that it consumes us. Think about before you had this constant anxiety and how you felt then. When you woke up in the morning, did you even think about anxiety? Even once? Sure, you probably had a few fearful thoughts throughout the day but did you let them completely take over your life? No. Because your mind wasn't wired to think that way. It was more focused on LIFE and the real world than on you and your problems.
I have finally begun to make some major changes in my thinking and I can already feel myself regaining clarity. After struggling with THICK derealization, brain fog, and depression for the past month- I finally get it. I've tried every day to be "less anxious" and then would constantly check back in with myself and ask: is it gone yet? Am I normal yet? This constant checking in continued the cycle and made me even more depressed when I realized I was still in this awful state. The changes that I've made include getting on with life as usual and not constantly checking in with myself. Most importantly-- realizing that these scary thoughts that still flash through my mind ARE NOT MY THOUGHTS. They are the product of a fatigued mind crying out for a break. I was responding to my thoughts so often that I didn't even realize I was doing it. I was still trying to convince myself that this strange feeling was something more sinister but it isn't! I've been tricked SO easily that it's making me angry… at myself. For not seeing this pattern sooner. I've wasted so much time obsessing and obsessing and for what?!?! All it's done is put my life completely on hold and made me MISERABLE in the process. It's affected my career, my relationship with my family and my husband. It's been NOTHING but a waste of time.
WHY do we have to wake up in the morning and ask, how will I feel today? I never had to do that before. Why now? WHY do I need to label myself as having an anxiety disorder? It doesn't have to be a part of me. I'm giving up the fight. I'm letting the worries go. SO much easier said than done, of course. But, with practice, patience, and time it will become second nature. Medication can help temporarily, yes. But to be totally cured you need to change your thought processes. Recognize the negative, scary, obsessive thoughts and label them as anxiety. Don't push them away, give them as much space as they need and they WILL pass.
What I've tried is a worry journal. I've been so worried about my memory for the past month along with the "brain fog" and unreal feelings that I thought I MUST be crazy. It's almost funny, I can remember my daily worries SO clearly but forget what I ate for lunch. So clearly, my memory and focus are still intact, I'm just concentrating way too hard on the wrong things. After I write down my worries, (there are a lot) I read them back to myself and (almost) have to laugh. I'll share some with you… maybe you can relate:
--Am I allergic to bananas? Last time I ate one, my mouth felt a little itchy. If I eat this banana will I go into anaphylactic shock and die? What if I do and no one is here to call an ambulance?
--It feels like there's a hair stuck in my throat. Is there? (I proceed to check) Why is my throat so tight? Is it closing? Am I dying?
--My stomach feels strange, did I eat too much? Can stomachs explode? What if it does?! Is it appendicitis? It must be.
--My breathing sounds weird… am I wheezing? Am I developing asthma? No. Wait… am I?
--Why am I so lightheaded? Am I going to pass out and die?!
…you get the point. This is how my mind is currently wired to think. Recognizing that is the first step. Learning and implementing changes is the next.
I've been in therapy for months now- trying to get to the "root" of my anxiety. Guess what, there isn't one. Yes, I've been through major life changes which certainly triggered the anxiety, but the problem is because of my reaction to the stress. My obsession over these thoughts and feelings. I've been trying to "figure everything out" for so long and it's EXHAUSTING. I'm putting down the gasoline that I've been pouring on this fire for much too long now. I'm done trying to fight it. Now that I have, I can feel it lifting. I've felt more like myself in the past week than I have in a long time. And all it's taking is a change of attitude. Do yourself a favor, give up the fight. Stop trying to figure everything out. You're not sick, your mind is just sending you faulty messages and you're reacting to them the wrong way. Do yourself a real favor and start reading up on what anxiety is doing to your mind and how you can start to reverse it. Educate yourself… it will help more than anything else.