I fear I am on the verge of a relapse

[Two One]

Well, at the end of March I got a job. I saw this as another opportunity for me to push myself out of my comfort zone and help myself. Little did I know what I was in for. My erratic schedule is causing severe sleep deprivation and my mood has taken a huge dive. During March I was happier than I've ever been, and now I feel like I'm on the verge of another collapse. My manager absolutely refuses to comply with my appointments with my psychiatrist and therapist despite it being a legitimate medical reason. As you can imagine this is causing some mental distress. The lack of sleep is also increasing my anxiety and I am having a lot of trouble sleeping through the night. I wake up at least twice a night and stay up for about an hour or so. A few times when I have woken up I have felt dizzy and I can feel my pulse in my abdomen. I've been suffering from a lot of depersonalization as well. The past three days have been just awful. My muscles are back to tensing up like crazy, especially my back, I'm exhausted nearly all the time and my stomach has been feeling uncomfortable which is my signature anxiety symptom. I've also noticed that I'm having significant trouble carrying out tasks at work and my ability to concentrate is not there. This is upsetting me as you can imagine. I'm trying to fight this as best as I can but I can feel myself becoming overwhelmed and I'm terrified. I cannot let myself go back to the place that I once was. I do not want to be three seconds away from suicide again... I have this terrible feeling that something awful is going to happen and I can't stop it.

I finally gave in and took a Klonopin last night which helped me a lot and allowed me to sleep but I don't take it every day so it's not going to save me from everything that is going on right now. I just needed to vent about this.

[gypsylee]

Well, at the end of March I got a job. I saw this as another opportunity for me to push myself out of my comfort zone and help myself. Little did I know what I was in for. My erratic schedule is causing severe sleep deprivation and my mood has taken a huge dive. During March I was happier than I've ever been, and now I feel like I'm on the verge of another collapse. My manager absolutely refuses to comply with my appointments with my psychiatrist and therapist despite it being a legitimate medical reason. As you can imagine this is causing some mental distress. The lack of sleep is also increasing my anxiety and I am having a lot of trouble sleeping through the night. I wake up at least twice a night and stay up for about an hour or so. A few times when I have woken up I have felt dizzy and I can feel my pulse in my abdomen. I've been suffering from a lot of depersonalization as well. The past three days have been just awful. My muscles are back to tensing up like crazy, especially my back, I'm exhausted nearly all the time and my stomach has been feeling uncomfortable which is my signature anxiety symptom. I've also noticed that I'm having significant trouble carrying out tasks at work and my ability to concentrate is not there. This is upsetting me as you can imagine. I'm trying to fight this as best as I can but I can feel myself becoming overwhelmed and I'm terrified. I cannot let myself go back to the place that I once was. I do not want to be three seconds away from suicide again... I have this terrible feeling that something awful is going to happen and I can't stop it.

I finally gave in and took a Klonopin last night which helped me a lot and allowed me to sleep but I don't take it every day so it's not going to save me from everything that is going on right now. I just needed to vent about this.

Hey there,

That sucks.. I know all too well how life can step in and drop you when you've been making progress. Your boss sounds like a bit of an ass. I'm not sure what to suggest - I just wanted you to know I read your post and I know what you're going through.

Cheers,
Gypsy x

[Stephj526]

Can you go above your boss for help with scheduling? I'm living with sleep deprivation right now too, and it can completely understand the increased anxiety. Remember one day at a time. Sometimes one hour at a time.

[Mr Jingles]

I'm trying to fight this as best as I can but I can feel myself becoming overwhelmed and I'm terrified. I cannot let myself go back to the place that I once was. I do not want to be three seconds away from suicide again...


Well definitely you don't want to be in danger or in massive suffering, that's understandable.

Sometimes it feels like my fear of going to that really scary place drives my fear even further. Like a vicious loop. Until I'm so exhausted I finally let go. It's very very scary and that's why I can't stop fighting. Maybe it's similar for you. I hope things get easier soon.