Starferry
05-03-2015, 07:41 AM
Hi
I really don't feel right, feel so lost.
I don't really know where to start....my mum has been ill for as long as I can remember. I didn't have a great childhood as she was very controlling. My sister and I were bother looked after as such, we were healthy, dressed well, fed etc. but emotionally there was nothing there. I don't ever recall my mum telling me she loved me or showing me much affection. My dad is not much better but that's another story.
We moved from Europe to Canada when I was 12 and things got a lot worse. My mum ended up and anti depressants and anti anxiety tablets etc. My sister moved out the first chance she had as living at home was an emotional battle. I followed suit and met a wonderful man online ( not romantically) and when I backpacked through England we met up and at 19 we got married! I moved away from Canada back to Europe. This was 15 years ago and I'm still with my wonderful husban And we have a gorgeous daughter who is 8.
My mum never objected to me leaving, I didn't even have a pep talk when I told her I was getting married , I think she was happy to be rid of the responsibility of having children. Dad was just oblivious.
Anyway, she started attempting to take her life around 2006 and each time this was blamed on someone, my dad, my grandma, my sister :( and eventually me. She was mad when I said I wouldn't visit with my daughter and that I would be coming to see her on my own. She took pills and tried cutting her wrists. Wrote me a nasty email.
This was in 2009. I came to Canada anyways as I already had my ticket, we didn't speak for months before I flew over. She didn't really want to see me when I was there. I only saw her a couple of times and she was drugged up and ignored me. This was awful. That same year she was diagnosed as having BPD ( borderline personality disorder)
About 6 months later she emailed me to apologise and said she wanted to make peace so she flew over to England and we locked ourselves in a hotel room for 2 days. For the first time I saw her and we were honest with eachother. I wasn't afraid to tell her how much she hurt me. She was also honest about a lot of things with me. I call this a glimpse ...a glimpse of what having a mum is actually like. I felt loved and happy. This did not last, she attempted suicide again about 6 months later.
I got an email from her saying she loves me and she is sorry. When I got this I thought she was dead , I called my sister who said that she also got same message but she managed to get someone home to save my mum.
Lots of therapy for her, lots of talking later we were back in good place again, though I had lost my trust and knew she would attempt again.
I decided to take my husband and daughter to Canada this past summer, we planned this for a year in advance, we had an amazing trip planned including a visit to the states. We were there for 3 weeks. Most good, mum spoiled my daughter, she even threw a party for us at her house and invited loads of family and friends, My dad was great too. Towards the end of the holiday the mood changed, we went to the Rocky Mountains for the last 3 days before we flew home and she barely spoke to us. She was actually very cold and withdrawn, even mean at times. Every evening my dad would come to our cabin and she stayed in her own. They dropped us off at the airport and I got a cold hug and a see you later from my mum.
We got home on Monday afternoon, early Wednesday morning I got a call from my sister to say that it was finally over. My mum had succeeded and she took a whole bunch of pills, drank a bottle of vodka and then hung herself in the bathroom. Same bathroom we were using when we were there.
I was in complete shock, still jet lagged and numb. I flew back to Canada on the Friday and funeral was Sunday. It was a bit of a saving grace that there was no criminal investigation. It was very clear she had commited suicide. She had cleared her laptop history and the last two entries in the search engine were Robin Williams suicide ( he killed himself just weeks before she did - guess he ispired her) and how to send a delayed email. I assume the latter was meant for me but I never got an email. My sister and dad got a letter.
I can't believe I just wrote all that.
Anyway, I came back home the day after the funeral. I haven't really slept for a week, I had double jet lag. I forgot to mention that we got a puppy on the Tuesday as we got back from Canada ( something we had planned and funnily enough the last text message from my mum was ' aww, pup is cute'---- hours later she killed herself. )
So back from funeral, jet lagged, numb, trying to stay strong for my daughter, trying to train a new puppy. Getting ready for daughter going to junior school..I kind of went into auto pilot, I went back to work a week later. I kind of got on with things...until November, I had a complete meltdown when I was at a concert. I had my first anxiety attack. I felt awful. I just wanted to be on my own. I felt like I was going to faint. I ended up feeling this way when I was around people and in closed areas...i couldn't been go into a shop without feeling anxious.
I ended up phoning in sick to work and had to be signed off for 6 weeks. Something I hated doing...Im not usually one to be off sick at work.
I saw a therapist through work EAP service and he was great and really helped me. I only had 6 sessions as that's all work provide. I didn't / don't want long term therapy. I just don't think therapy is for me. I find it hard to open up and a lot of my past is blurry. The sessions I had helped with my anxiety at that time.
Its been 4 months since I last saw him and I'm really low. I feel so down all the time. I'm making mistakes at work which is so out of character, I actually want to change jobs now. Really can't cope with my current role. I have gained about 20 pounds. I feel annoyed with myself and on a short fuse. I really don't want to go on anti depressants and I'm considering natural remedies like St johns wort. I'm scared of mental illness. I know there is something wrong with me. I know I need help. I need to sort my life out as have so many things to be happy about.
If anyone reads this..thank you and I appreciate your time. I hope being a part of this community will help me,
I really don't feel right, feel so lost.
I don't really know where to start....my mum has been ill for as long as I can remember. I didn't have a great childhood as she was very controlling. My sister and I were bother looked after as such, we were healthy, dressed well, fed etc. but emotionally there was nothing there. I don't ever recall my mum telling me she loved me or showing me much affection. My dad is not much better but that's another story.
We moved from Europe to Canada when I was 12 and things got a lot worse. My mum ended up and anti depressants and anti anxiety tablets etc. My sister moved out the first chance she had as living at home was an emotional battle. I followed suit and met a wonderful man online ( not romantically) and when I backpacked through England we met up and at 19 we got married! I moved away from Canada back to Europe. This was 15 years ago and I'm still with my wonderful husban And we have a gorgeous daughter who is 8.
My mum never objected to me leaving, I didn't even have a pep talk when I told her I was getting married , I think she was happy to be rid of the responsibility of having children. Dad was just oblivious.
Anyway, she started attempting to take her life around 2006 and each time this was blamed on someone, my dad, my grandma, my sister :( and eventually me. She was mad when I said I wouldn't visit with my daughter and that I would be coming to see her on my own. She took pills and tried cutting her wrists. Wrote me a nasty email.
This was in 2009. I came to Canada anyways as I already had my ticket, we didn't speak for months before I flew over. She didn't really want to see me when I was there. I only saw her a couple of times and she was drugged up and ignored me. This was awful. That same year she was diagnosed as having BPD ( borderline personality disorder)
About 6 months later she emailed me to apologise and said she wanted to make peace so she flew over to England and we locked ourselves in a hotel room for 2 days. For the first time I saw her and we were honest with eachother. I wasn't afraid to tell her how much she hurt me. She was also honest about a lot of things with me. I call this a glimpse ...a glimpse of what having a mum is actually like. I felt loved and happy. This did not last, she attempted suicide again about 6 months later.
I got an email from her saying she loves me and she is sorry. When I got this I thought she was dead , I called my sister who said that she also got same message but she managed to get someone home to save my mum.
Lots of therapy for her, lots of talking later we were back in good place again, though I had lost my trust and knew she would attempt again.
I decided to take my husband and daughter to Canada this past summer, we planned this for a year in advance, we had an amazing trip planned including a visit to the states. We were there for 3 weeks. Most good, mum spoiled my daughter, she even threw a party for us at her house and invited loads of family and friends, My dad was great too. Towards the end of the holiday the mood changed, we went to the Rocky Mountains for the last 3 days before we flew home and she barely spoke to us. She was actually very cold and withdrawn, even mean at times. Every evening my dad would come to our cabin and she stayed in her own. They dropped us off at the airport and I got a cold hug and a see you later from my mum.
We got home on Monday afternoon, early Wednesday morning I got a call from my sister to say that it was finally over. My mum had succeeded and she took a whole bunch of pills, drank a bottle of vodka and then hung herself in the bathroom. Same bathroom we were using when we were there.
I was in complete shock, still jet lagged and numb. I flew back to Canada on the Friday and funeral was Sunday. It was a bit of a saving grace that there was no criminal investigation. It was very clear she had commited suicide. She had cleared her laptop history and the last two entries in the search engine were Robin Williams suicide ( he killed himself just weeks before she did - guess he ispired her) and how to send a delayed email. I assume the latter was meant for me but I never got an email. My sister and dad got a letter.
I can't believe I just wrote all that.
Anyway, I came back home the day after the funeral. I haven't really slept for a week, I had double jet lag. I forgot to mention that we got a puppy on the Tuesday as we got back from Canada ( something we had planned and funnily enough the last text message from my mum was ' aww, pup is cute'---- hours later she killed herself. )
So back from funeral, jet lagged, numb, trying to stay strong for my daughter, trying to train a new puppy. Getting ready for daughter going to junior school..I kind of went into auto pilot, I went back to work a week later. I kind of got on with things...until November, I had a complete meltdown when I was at a concert. I had my first anxiety attack. I felt awful. I just wanted to be on my own. I felt like I was going to faint. I ended up feeling this way when I was around people and in closed areas...i couldn't been go into a shop without feeling anxious.
I ended up phoning in sick to work and had to be signed off for 6 weeks. Something I hated doing...Im not usually one to be off sick at work.
I saw a therapist through work EAP service and he was great and really helped me. I only had 6 sessions as that's all work provide. I didn't / don't want long term therapy. I just don't think therapy is for me. I find it hard to open up and a lot of my past is blurry. The sessions I had helped with my anxiety at that time.
Its been 4 months since I last saw him and I'm really low. I feel so down all the time. I'm making mistakes at work which is so out of character, I actually want to change jobs now. Really can't cope with my current role. I have gained about 20 pounds. I feel annoyed with myself and on a short fuse. I really don't want to go on anti depressants and I'm considering natural remedies like St johns wort. I'm scared of mental illness. I know there is something wrong with me. I know I need help. I need to sort my life out as have so many things to be happy about.
If anyone reads this..thank you and I appreciate your time. I hope being a part of this community will help me,