Robbed
08-18-2008, 03:49 AM
The whole depression/anxiety thing has taken a BIG turn for me lately. Symptoms like unreality and free-floating anxiety are WAYY down compared to the past. But something different seems to be happening. It seems like that old stuff that was a problem before the anxiety disorder has come back 100000 times stronger! And at this time, I am feeling ALOT of resentment toward my brother. Back when we were growing up, he used to tease, taunt, and demean me to no end. And my parents didn't seem to care about this, as they did NOTHING to stop it. I feel like SO much confidence and creativity was sucked out of me as a result. For instance, I never wanted to tell ANYONE about ANYTHING I have thought of for fear of a response similar to something from my brother. I also learned to hate any idea that I had, and keep it to myself. Of course, this encompassed everything, as I started to REALLY hate myself for being so pathetic as to deserve this sort of treatment. After all, my parents always just told me to try not to get so upset about it, but NEVER told my brother to lay off. What kind of message do you suppose THAT sends?
Interestingly, starting around my teenage years, things got better between my brother and I (maybe retaliating to his teasing by showing my parents the Ds and Fs on exams he tried to hide from them, and making fun of his music helped here). And interestingly, we became quite close. But it's not like I really COMPLETELY got over it. Anyway, I got quite pissed off with him the other day since, on hikes, he would just leave me behind. He is a faster hiker than I am, and doesn't seem to care about how I feel about this. I decided to go on a hike on my own, and all that I could think of up and down the mountain was ow my brother treated me in the past. I constantly thought about the teasing and taunting. And I thought about the way that, to this day, I look at him as a TYRANT. I mean, I just can't be myself around him. I can't do something as simple as wear shorts around him for fear of him laughing at me and telling me I look bad. I can't talk about music I like for fear of him striking me down. I just feel like I can't do ANYTHING out of the ordinary, for fear of 'rocking the boat' when I am around him. What should I do about him? When I saw him today, I just frowned at him and didn't say a word to him. It's not that we haven't had LOTS good times together. But I just don't know that this can happen again.
One more thing. It is simply AMAZING how simpler it is to deal with anxiety symptoms than this.
Interestingly, starting around my teenage years, things got better between my brother and I (maybe retaliating to his teasing by showing my parents the Ds and Fs on exams he tried to hide from them, and making fun of his music helped here). And interestingly, we became quite close. But it's not like I really COMPLETELY got over it. Anyway, I got quite pissed off with him the other day since, on hikes, he would just leave me behind. He is a faster hiker than I am, and doesn't seem to care about how I feel about this. I decided to go on a hike on my own, and all that I could think of up and down the mountain was ow my brother treated me in the past. I constantly thought about the teasing and taunting. And I thought about the way that, to this day, I look at him as a TYRANT. I mean, I just can't be myself around him. I can't do something as simple as wear shorts around him for fear of him laughing at me and telling me I look bad. I can't talk about music I like for fear of him striking me down. I just feel like I can't do ANYTHING out of the ordinary, for fear of 'rocking the boat' when I am around him. What should I do about him? When I saw him today, I just frowned at him and didn't say a word to him. It's not that we haven't had LOTS good times together. But I just don't know that this can happen again.
One more thing. It is simply AMAZING how simpler it is to deal with anxiety symptoms than this.