Propman
04-27-2015, 01:20 PM
Dear forum readers,
I'm new here but not to Anxiety. I'm twenty-two years of age at the moment and have been officially diagnosed with G.A.D. since age fifteen.
Lately, I've been experimenting with marijuana. This has been mostly pleasant. Mostly's flip-side came out a couple of days ago (with a bit of a possible build-up).
In the days leading up to what I'm about to describe, my "highs" began becoming a lot more introspective. Complex questions about the nature of life and of humanity seemed relatively easy to answer. Problematically, though, said answers had a tendency to make existence seem cheap. (Ex. "Humans are simply biological machines pretending to be special, creating all other forms of expression (especially religion) to snuff their naturally selected fear of death" or "Weakness is knowing life doesn't matter. Courage is knowing the same but choosing not to care.") Then, one day, what started out as a seemingly normal "high" took a sharp turn into a wall of existentialism. I began feeling extremely disconnected from my past. It was as though I understood what I was seeing as now — absolute — while my past seemed shaky, as if scribbled down quickly in poor detail by a writer with bad penmanship. It felt akin to a computer coming online for the first time, seemingly restarting with every passing nanosecond.
After a horrible night and a sluggish, foggy afternoon, I came down to my best friend's house for comfort. It helped immensely until he commented on a bracelet I was wearing. I have a very fond feeling toward the bracelet in question but I have no idea where I bought it or why, even though I know it was meaningful. Obviously, as time passes, memories of certain things fade. I've always understood that and have always been relatively at ease with that notion. This time, though, I went into full-on panic mode. I fell asleep dreaming about it. I woke up (several times) wondering about it (the last of which ended with me scouring the internet for the company who produced it and emailing them, asking if they had sold that particular product to any business in my hometown.) Aware as I may be that such thoughts/actions are a waste of time, I feel as though I MUST remember. (However, as a side note, I've felt similarly toward hazy dreams in the past, long before any of this occurred.)
Before I summarize this diatribe into a question, I'd like to say: thank you for reading this, for your consideration and your thoughts on the subject (whatever they may be).
Alright. What I'm trying to ask in a round-about way is: should I be worried about any of this or is it all just another disguised manifestation of anxiety/O.C.D.?
P.S. I put down cigarettes two or three days ago after smoking around have a pack daily. If this information is irreverent, simply ignore it. I felt it was worth adding for full disclosure.
I'm new here but not to Anxiety. I'm twenty-two years of age at the moment and have been officially diagnosed with G.A.D. since age fifteen.
Lately, I've been experimenting with marijuana. This has been mostly pleasant. Mostly's flip-side came out a couple of days ago (with a bit of a possible build-up).
In the days leading up to what I'm about to describe, my "highs" began becoming a lot more introspective. Complex questions about the nature of life and of humanity seemed relatively easy to answer. Problematically, though, said answers had a tendency to make existence seem cheap. (Ex. "Humans are simply biological machines pretending to be special, creating all other forms of expression (especially religion) to snuff their naturally selected fear of death" or "Weakness is knowing life doesn't matter. Courage is knowing the same but choosing not to care.") Then, one day, what started out as a seemingly normal "high" took a sharp turn into a wall of existentialism. I began feeling extremely disconnected from my past. It was as though I understood what I was seeing as now — absolute — while my past seemed shaky, as if scribbled down quickly in poor detail by a writer with bad penmanship. It felt akin to a computer coming online for the first time, seemingly restarting with every passing nanosecond.
After a horrible night and a sluggish, foggy afternoon, I came down to my best friend's house for comfort. It helped immensely until he commented on a bracelet I was wearing. I have a very fond feeling toward the bracelet in question but I have no idea where I bought it or why, even though I know it was meaningful. Obviously, as time passes, memories of certain things fade. I've always understood that and have always been relatively at ease with that notion. This time, though, I went into full-on panic mode. I fell asleep dreaming about it. I woke up (several times) wondering about it (the last of which ended with me scouring the internet for the company who produced it and emailing them, asking if they had sold that particular product to any business in my hometown.) Aware as I may be that such thoughts/actions are a waste of time, I feel as though I MUST remember. (However, as a side note, I've felt similarly toward hazy dreams in the past, long before any of this occurred.)
Before I summarize this diatribe into a question, I'd like to say: thank you for reading this, for your consideration and your thoughts on the subject (whatever they may be).
Alright. What I'm trying to ask in a round-about way is: should I be worried about any of this or is it all just another disguised manifestation of anxiety/O.C.D.?
P.S. I put down cigarettes two or three days ago after smoking around have a pack daily. If this information is irreverent, simply ignore it. I felt it was worth adding for full disclosure.