Afraid to Live with Boyfriend

[border356]

So this is my first post anywhere like this. I've struggled with anxiety since I was 5 and while it's a bit better now at 27, I still have a lot of issues.
Right now, I'm really struggling with my relationship. I've been in a long distance relationship for almost 3 years. My boyfriend is moving here on Wednesday and will then be living with me & my parents (I can't find a job because of my anxiety so I still live at home) until he gets a job and a place.
I am SO anxious. I have an obsession with being sick to my stomach and it's one of my worst phobias so I worry about it constantly and the fact that being with him full time now will make my stomach upset or make my anxiety worse.
I've never lived with a boyfriend and him coming here will bring so many changes. Yes, they're probably for the better but you know that anxious half of the mind that is filled with the 'what ifs' and the 'but maybes' and it's taking over. I can barely eat already, not getting much sleep.

How do you live with a boyfriend/girlfriend and keep your anxiety under control? I don't know how to do any of this. Our visits have always been under a week and now it'll be permanent. It's a lot to jump into. When he visits, I can't even sleep in the same bed with him. When I do I sleep in a knot and barely get any sleep.

Can anyone help?

[casstar01]

I went through your same fears when I got serious with my boyfriend. I'm much like you, I've had severe anxiety since my earliest memory, unable to work, etc.... When I was 26 I met my BF and I was so freaked out about living with him because of my anxiety. I was terrified of being "weird" around him and him seeing my full blown anxiety. But what I did was , right before living with him I sat him down and laid it all out on the table about my anxiety, what it feels like , how at different times it can make me act differently. I made sure he understood it as much as he could as a person who doesn't suffer with it. I told him what to look for and how to tell when it was really bad and that I would need to be given some time or not feel pressure to talk etc... I tried to set up some "signals" with him so if I couldn't even talk to him he would know. And know what he needed to do to help me. If he is the man for you he will understand and be there for you and become a comfort during anxiety rather than a cause of it. Now he can just look at me and he knows exactly how I'm feeling and how to help me. It's now been 9 years!! Still together, still in love, still my best friend. I had to write this really quickly so I hope it made sence. If you have any questions please let me know :). Always here , casstar

[Kuma]

So this is my first post anywhere like this. I've struggled with anxiety since I was 5 and while it's a bit better now at 27, I still have a lot of issues.
Right now, I'm really struggling with my relationship. I've been in a long distance relationship for almost 3 years. My boyfriend is moving here on Wednesday and will then be living with me & my parents (I can't find a job because of my anxiety so I still live at home) until he gets a job and a place.
I am SO anxious. I have an obsession with being sick to my stomach and it's one of my worst phobias so I worry about it constantly and the fact that being with him full time now will make my stomach upset or make my anxiety worse.
I've never lived with a boyfriend and him coming here will bring so many changes. Yes, they're probably for the better but you know that anxious half of the mind that is filled with the 'what ifs' and the 'but maybes' and it's taking over. I can barely eat already, not getting much sleep.

How do you live with a boyfriend/girlfriend and keep your anxiety under control? I don't know how to do any of this. Our visits have always been under a week and now it'll be permanent. It's a lot to jump into. When he visits, I can't even sleep in the same bed with him. When I do I sleep in a knot and barely get any sleep.

Can anyone help?

What are you doing to address your anxiety? I don't mean the added anxiety surrounding the boyfriend moving in (which is understandable) but the anxiety that you say is causing you to be unable to work and compelled to live "at home" at age 27? That is a really serious issue that needs to be addressed. You don't want to become complacent with this situation. You don't want to get to a point where you say to yourself "this is just who I am - I am a person who cannot work and cannot live independently because of my anxiety." That would be "giving up." Instead, I think you want to be saying to yourself "this situation is totally unacceptable to me and I am going to be as proactive as possible in trying to address my anxiety so that I am able to work, and live independently, and live a full life." That will be good for you and also good for your relationship. Relationships that involve one independent person and one dependent person are far from optimal. You need to become strong and independent so that you can be one half of a fully functioning strong relationship. Maybe your boyfriend can help support you in this effort. But it will take a lot of personal effort and commitment on your part.

[hennalou]

So this is my first post anywhere like this. I've struggled with anxiety since I was 5 and while it's a bit better now at 27, I still have a lot of issues.
Right now, I'm really struggling with my relationship. I've been in a long distance relationship for almost 3 years. My boyfriend is moving here on Wednesday and will then be living with me & my parents (I can't find a job because of my anxiety so I still live at home) until he gets a job and a place.
I am SO anxious. I have an obsession with being sick to my stomach and it's one of my worst phobias so I worry about it constantly and the fact that being with him full time now will make my stomach upset or make my anxiety worse.
I've never lived with a boyfriend and him coming here will bring so many changes. Yes, they're probably for the better but you know that anxious half of the mind that is filled with the 'what ifs' and the 'but maybes' and it's taking over. I can barely eat already, not getting much sleep.

How do you live with a boyfriend/girlfriend and keep your anxiety under control? I don't know how to do any of this. Our visits have always been under a week and now it'll be permanent. It's a lot to jump into. When he visits, I can't even sleep in the same bed with him. When I do I sleep in a knot and barely get any sleep.

Can anyone help?

Hey there :)
Congrats on working up the courage to post on here, it can be worrysome.

It took me 6 months from when I agreed to move in with my boyfriend to actually moving in, and those 6 months were anxiety filled hell. And among the "normal" worries I assume most couples get, I mainly worried that he would now see how truly... odd... I am. So it was so so horrid leading up to the move in date. Even when we were out buying furniture pre-moving in, the thought would kind of fill me with dread.
One thing that helped massively was talking to him A LOT about what I was worried about. We even wrote out a list of rules or things I needed him to know and refer back to.
We moved in together over a year ago, we are still here and have no intentions of moving apart. And honestly, it is really really good.
I worried that when I was anxious or particularly bad in terms of mood, that he wouldn't completely understand, or it'll cause tension etc. When it's done the complete opposite most of the time. It is nice to feel not alone, even when he might not undertsand it, he is there when I need him. And when I need space, that's cool too he gives me space. Trust is the key, and communication. And when I say communication I don't mean you have to tell him everything on your mind, just make sure he knows what would be best for you at that particular time. (And what would be best for him too, of course)
It is a big step with ot without anxiety.. It'll be strange possibly, and different, but so so good. You won't get to know anyone better than by living with them, and this is a good thing! :)
Really, trully best of luck.
I hope you end up loving it! x

[anxietyauntie]

First of all, I agree with Kuma - you need to look at your underlying anxiety as well. This is important so that when situations like this come up in life, you can cope with them better!

As for living with a partner, it can be stressful! The one thing that I have learnt from living with my fiance, is that communication is so key. If you are really serious about this person you should be able to tell them how you feel, even if it is only at a high level to start with. It has taken a lot of conversations and a long time for my man to understand what is going on with me but it has made it so much easier for both of us. Instead of me being anxious and getting snappy or moody, depressed, not eating or sleeping or just generally not myself, I can just talk to him about it. It is a big load off.

We also have a system so that he can understand how much I am struggling at any given point. He says this helps him understand my behaviour and understand what I am dealing with - even if he doesn't understand why. Ours is based on wolves (long story - but a bit of history for us there!). We have a scale of 1-10. If 1 wolf is circling, I am a bit anxious. If 5 are circling, I am struggling a bit, and usually starting to get a bit panicky. 8 wolves is around the 'get me out of here' or 'leave me alone' mark, and 10 is full blown panic attack, 'red alert' stage.
You don't have to use this, it is just an example. But I swear having a way of communicating that is unique for you, and that works for you both will help a lot. It just makes it so much easier to talk about, to admit that you're anxious, and also to just generally communicate with your other half.

Hope this helps, and Kia Kaha (this means, 'be strong' or 'keep up the courage' in Maori - the native language of New Zealand where I'm from)