smugsy
04-26-2015, 07:04 AM
Hi,
I am a 39 year old female suffering from all sorts of anxiety. My grandmother had anxiety all of her life. My sister and mother do also, but cope somehow. I guess I have always had some sort of anxiety and was a constant worrier, but I thought it was normal. I also have OCD and like things to be neat and have incredible intrusive thoughts. I have an overactive mind and could never sit still. 8 years ago, I went through a divorce and took up bulimia to handle the stress. 2 year later, I started drinking heavily (2-3 drinks / average / night). In December of last year, I was in a horrible car accident that I caused (ran a red light because the driver in front of me turned right and I was on automatic pilot). It was early in the morning. My 12-year old daughter and I just returned from the gym and I was rushing to get her to her dad's. My daughter got some stitches, and I ended up with a concussion. Everyone else was fine, except 3 cars were destroyed.
I suffer tremendous guilt from that. But I immediately gave up drinking and the binging / purging. I knew that I had to stop those to let my brain recover. Haven't touched a drop of alcohol since then and I had no problems quitting. (I would like to drink, but I don't crave it or think about it.) I have purged twice since then. But it is nowhere near the level I was doing (almost every night and sometimes twice a day).
Within two weeks of the accident, I spiraled into severe depression and anxiety. I started working with a therapist, a psychiatrist and my PCP. The psychiatrist put me on Klonopin (1 mg / day) and stabled me out on Zoloft at 150mg. I also take Trazodone (25mg) to sleep at night to give my brain the rest it needs. The psychiatrist is not the greatest, but I live in a rural area and they are hard to find. I was starting to get better. I was able to go into work full-time (never really stopped working, just worked from home a lot). I was happy-ish, almost started planning a summer vacation for my daughter, my fiance, and myself.
Then, the psychiatrist started to wean me off the Klonopin. (I never wanted to take it in the first place, but knew that I needed something to stop the spiral of anxiety since I couldn't get a handle on it and was suicidal). I was doing fine on all cuts - a little increased anxiety, but got back to steady in a few days. Then this last cut, all hell broke loose. Anxiety is back tremendously. I have had a few panic attacks. My obtrusive thoughts are back. I shake all the time. I just feel hopeless.
I exercise, go to weekly therapy, in a trauma support group, meditate, do Reiki, and have an amazing support system. (Fiance, amazing friends, wonderful daughter). But I am so scared that this is the rest of my life. I am scared that the month of feeling almost normal was a reprieve that was all drug induced. My pharmacist feels that the Zoloft is not working for me (we already tried Lexapro).
I am so scared that my drinking and bulimia coupled with the concussion caused irreparable damage to my brain and that I will never recover or be happen again. I will live my life in fear, which I deserve because I abused my body with alcohol and purging.
I am a 39 year old female suffering from all sorts of anxiety. My grandmother had anxiety all of her life. My sister and mother do also, but cope somehow. I guess I have always had some sort of anxiety and was a constant worrier, but I thought it was normal. I also have OCD and like things to be neat and have incredible intrusive thoughts. I have an overactive mind and could never sit still. 8 years ago, I went through a divorce and took up bulimia to handle the stress. 2 year later, I started drinking heavily (2-3 drinks / average / night). In December of last year, I was in a horrible car accident that I caused (ran a red light because the driver in front of me turned right and I was on automatic pilot). It was early in the morning. My 12-year old daughter and I just returned from the gym and I was rushing to get her to her dad's. My daughter got some stitches, and I ended up with a concussion. Everyone else was fine, except 3 cars were destroyed.
I suffer tremendous guilt from that. But I immediately gave up drinking and the binging / purging. I knew that I had to stop those to let my brain recover. Haven't touched a drop of alcohol since then and I had no problems quitting. (I would like to drink, but I don't crave it or think about it.) I have purged twice since then. But it is nowhere near the level I was doing (almost every night and sometimes twice a day).
Within two weeks of the accident, I spiraled into severe depression and anxiety. I started working with a therapist, a psychiatrist and my PCP. The psychiatrist put me on Klonopin (1 mg / day) and stabled me out on Zoloft at 150mg. I also take Trazodone (25mg) to sleep at night to give my brain the rest it needs. The psychiatrist is not the greatest, but I live in a rural area and they are hard to find. I was starting to get better. I was able to go into work full-time (never really stopped working, just worked from home a lot). I was happy-ish, almost started planning a summer vacation for my daughter, my fiance, and myself.
Then, the psychiatrist started to wean me off the Klonopin. (I never wanted to take it in the first place, but knew that I needed something to stop the spiral of anxiety since I couldn't get a handle on it and was suicidal). I was doing fine on all cuts - a little increased anxiety, but got back to steady in a few days. Then this last cut, all hell broke loose. Anxiety is back tremendously. I have had a few panic attacks. My obtrusive thoughts are back. I shake all the time. I just feel hopeless.
I exercise, go to weekly therapy, in a trauma support group, meditate, do Reiki, and have an amazing support system. (Fiance, amazing friends, wonderful daughter). But I am so scared that this is the rest of my life. I am scared that the month of feeling almost normal was a reprieve that was all drug induced. My pharmacist feels that the Zoloft is not working for me (we already tried Lexapro).
I am so scared that my drinking and bulimia coupled with the concussion caused irreparable damage to my brain and that I will never recover or be happen again. I will live my life in fear, which I deserve because I abused my body with alcohol and purging.