My anxiety is threatening to destroy my relationship

[littleme]

Help! I need advice.

I’ve been in a relationship with a lovely guy for almost a year now. I have GAD, he has PTSD.

I’ve suffered from GAD for my entire adult life. I’m now in my mid thirties. My anxiety used to be triggered by just about everything – work, finances, study, relationships, you name it.

After years of CBT therapy, I am now in a position where the only thing that routinely triggers anxiety attacks is relationship stuff. Specifically, situations where jealousy and trust issues come into play. This is because most of my interpersonal relationships throughout my teenage years, and into adulthood have been difficult – I have been betrayed many times. The worst of it was when I found out that my long-term boyfriend had been secretly meeting with my best friend to inject drugs and have sex behind my back for at least 4 years.

After that relationship ended (which lasted for 15 years), I swore that I would never get involved in a romantic relationship again. Put simply, I did not believe that I would ever be able to trust anyone again.

Because I have so much difficulty trusting people, when I am put in a position where I feel like I am being expected to trust someone who hasn't earned it, then I become very very anxious.

When I have an anxiety attack, I become completely irrational. All those negative thoughts that have become ingrained after years of disappointment and betrayal become fact (I normally don’t believe them, not when I'm thinking rationally). I often say and do things that damage my relationship with my boyfriend.

Since my boyfriend and I have been essentially living together (although I still have my own place), this happens every 3-4 weeks. It tends to be about silly inconsequential things. For instance, a girl who is a mutual friend of ours sometimes sends my guy a message. I suspect she has a crush on him. When he casually mentioned a few nights ago that she’d contacted him, it triggered a massive anxiety attack and I kind of flipped out. That was 2 days ago and I’m still feeling panicky and fearful. And also ashamed that I can't "keep my sh*t together".

Then last night, he said that he had gone to buy some items off a man who lived nearby that afternoon. The man wasn't home at the time, so my guy said he sat inside with the man's wife and they chatted until her husband came home. I immediately felt panicked and have been having terrifying thoughts that my guy had sex with this woman, ever since. Even though I have no reason to think that my guy is cheating on me. I managed to hide my panic from my guy, but it will probably come out eventually.

This can’t go on. Each time it happens, both of us question whether we should be together.

I took Xanax for the first time during the last attack. It helped a little bit, but I don’t want to become dependent on it. I have started seeing an EMDR specialist to address these issues. The specialist is booked up for month ahead though, and my second appointment is still weeks away.

My boyfriend says that my anxiety attacks are the one thing that stops him from asking me to move in with him, and he’s not sure he can continue to cope with them, because his own condition is hard enough. I told him I'm working on it, but it's unrealistic to expect it to get better overnight, and asked him if he was willing to wait. He said yes.

But even so, I’m now feeling under even more pressure to ‘fix’ myself, otherwise I will lose him. I kind of feel like I’ve been put on notice (even though he would probably disagree if I said that to him).

At the same time, I can’t help but feel that it’s a bit unfair of him to be like this. His PTSD symptoms also cause problems in the relationship, although these are usually more subtle and are ongoing, whereas my symptoms are acute and usually dissipate within 24-48 hours. This is starting to cause resentment on my part, because I feel like the relationship is a bit one-sided sometimes.

I don’t know what to do. Sometimes I feel like I want to just break up with him and run away, and be alone, so I will feel ‘safe’ again. But I know that I will regret it if I do. He’s not perfect but on the whole he’s a good guy, and I love him. I also know that if I don’t address my anxiety, then I will be never be able to function normally in a relationship, and I will be alone for the rest of my life. I don’t want that.
Has anyone else been through this before?

Any advice or commiserations welcome. Thank you (and sorry for the long post).

[sae]

In many ways this is much like the relationship I have with my bf. I have GAD, suffered a physically abusive marriage previously, he has wartime PTSD and we both struggle with varying degrees of depression. What I think makes us work so well is patience and understanding.

Before we established anything further than a close friendship we hashed out our quirks. I learned his triggers and he learned how to handle me when I am inconsolably panicked. We still have our difficulties. There are rare times when he is angry. I have learned to take a step back, realize his anger has nothing to do with anything I have said or done, and I give him the space or attention needed.

Trust is difficult, but it also requires you to give it freely. Angry tones, expression send me into a panic, I fear in the next moments I will be hurt. I have learned to trust not by my own experience and understanding but by what I see in the moment. My past lies to me, saying things like "they're all the same, he will hit you too." But I can see at that moment he has absolutely no intention of hurting me in any way. I trust him by what HE shows me, not by what my past has. It isn't easy. It still gives me pause but each time gets easier.
As far as living together I say wait on it. It's really one of our better decisions, even though we get along fabulously. It was by my request, really, for a few different reasons. The first being I have a teenaged daughter who has taken her father's death pretty hard. While she secretly admits my bf is a far better father figure than her dad could have ever been, she just isn't ready for the dad dynamic yet. Another reason is I want to be fully comfortable with me before becoming comfortable with someone else.
I am a neurotic sort; I tend to worry over relationship matters, my role and how I could be better for him. The reality is that I am no good for anyone until I am good for myself. If that means 5 nights a week I have to struggle to find sleep alone, eventually I will find the strength in me to do it. I married young, never lived the single life. I have had to learn late all the things about being on my own most people learn once they go off to college. I know that once I am comfortable living alone I will ultimately have a greater appreciation for myself and the relationship in the end.
Don't try to take it all on yourself. The more you worry about it the stronger the anxiety will become. Don't be afraid to hurt a little, to feel uncomfortable. Sometimes it requires taking a step back and looking at things without the feelings filter to understand the truth in a situation. Rely not on what you know but what you see. That's my advice.

The End

[littleme]

In many ways this is much like the relationship I have with my bf. I have GAD, suffered a physically abusive marriage previously, he has wartime PTSD and we both struggle with varying degrees of depression. What I think makes us work so well is patience and understanding.

Before we established anything further than a close friendship we hashed out our quirks. I learned his triggers and he learned how to handle me when I am inconsolably panicked. We still have our difficulties. There are rare times when he is angry. I have learned to take a step back, realize his anger has nothing to do with anything I have said or done, and I give him the space or attention needed.

Trust is difficult, but it also requires you to give it freely. Angry tones, expression send me into a panic, I fear in the next moments I will be hurt. I have learned to trust not by my own experience and understanding but by what I see in the moment. My past lies to me, saying things like "they're all the same, he will hit you too." But I can see at that moment he has absolutely no intention of hurting me in any way. I trust him by what HE shows me, not by what my past has. It isn't easy. It still gives me pause but each time gets easier.
As far as living together I say wait on it. It's really one of our better decisions, even though we get along fabulously. It was by my request, really, for a few different reasons. The first being I have a teenaged daughter who has taken her father's death pretty hard. While she secretly admits my bf is a far better father figure than her dad could have ever been, she just isn't ready for the dad dynamic yet. Another reason is I want to be fully comfortable with me before becoming comfortable with someone else.
I am a neurotic sort; I tend to worry over relationship matters, my role and how I could be better for him. The reality is that I am no good for anyone until I am good for myself. If that means 5 nights a week I have to struggle to find sleep alone, eventually I will find the strength in me to do it. I married young, never lived the single life. I have had to learn late all the things about being on my own most people learn once they go off to college. I know that once I am comfortable living alone I will ultimately have a greater appreciation for myself and the relationship in the end.
Don't try to take it all on yourself. The more you worry about it the stronger the anxiety will become. Don't be afraid to hurt a little, to feel uncomfortable. Sometimes it requires taking a step back and looking at things without the feelings filter to understand the truth in a situation. Rely not on what you know but what you see. That's my advice.

The End

Wow. Thank you Sae, those are some very powerful thoughts you have just shared with me. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond. I think there is some very useful information in your response that I need to consider in some depth in the context of my relationship.

You sound like a very strong person, and very aware of your needs and boundaries. That is something I need to do a lot of work on for myself. I often wonder if I am ready for a relationship yet, as I still have so much to sort out in my head, but I also want to try and make this relationship work at the same time. Time will tell whether that is possible.

Thank you again, and I hope all is well with you and yours.

[sae]

This is something my boyfriend had written on the cover of my prayer notebook. It feels appropriate to share in this case:

"I know you will read this everyday until you fill this notebook up. These are just some reminders to start your day with.
You are beautiful and intelligent. That person you see in the mirror isn't the same person I see. I see you smile and laugh, not your scars or your crazy hair or your "caterpillar" body.
You are not the same you you were yesterday, and you will be a different you tomorrow.
You are only as strong as you believe yourself to be. This morning you are Herculean in strength.
Be as free with your tears as you are with your laughter.
Your face, I like that shit
You'll never know if you are ready for something until you do it.
You are loved, no matter what you do or where you go.
If today isn't a good day know tomorrow you get another shot at it...."

The rest of the message references to scripture.

I read this every morning, whether I have slept or not. I have rewritten it on every new notebook I start and can now recite it by rote. I have learned more about myself in the past year since this was written than I had in a very long time. I hope this offers additional assistance.