littleme
04-21-2015, 05:45 PM
Help! I need advice.
I’ve been in a relationship with a lovely guy for almost a year now. I have GAD, he has PTSD.
I’ve suffered from GAD for my entire adult life. I’m now in my mid thirties. My anxiety used to be triggered by just about everything – work, finances, study, relationships, you name it.
After years of CBT therapy, I am now in a position where the only thing that routinely triggers anxiety attacks is relationship stuff. Specifically, situations where jealousy and trust issues come into play. This is because most of my interpersonal relationships throughout my teenage years, and into adulthood have been difficult – I have been betrayed many times. The worst of it was when I found out that my long-term boyfriend had been secretly meeting with my best friend to inject drugs and have sex behind my back for at least 4 years.
After that relationship ended (which lasted for 15 years), I swore that I would never get involved in a romantic relationship again. Put simply, I did not believe that I would ever be able to trust anyone again.
Because I have so much difficulty trusting people, when I am put in a position where I feel like I am being expected to trust someone who hasn't earned it, then I become very very anxious.
When I have an anxiety attack, I become completely irrational. All those negative thoughts that have become ingrained after years of disappointment and betrayal become fact (I normally don’t believe them, not when I'm thinking rationally). I often say and do things that damage my relationship with my boyfriend.
Since my boyfriend and I have been essentially living together (although I still have my own place), this happens every 3-4 weeks. It tends to be about silly inconsequential things. For instance, a girl who is a mutual friend of ours sometimes sends my guy a message. I suspect she has a crush on him. When he casually mentioned a few nights ago that she’d contacted him, it triggered a massive anxiety attack and I kind of flipped out. That was 2 days ago and I’m still feeling panicky and fearful. And also ashamed that I can't "keep my sh*t together".
Then last night, he said that he had gone to buy some items off a man who lived nearby that afternoon. The man wasn't home at the time, so my guy said he sat inside with the man's wife and they chatted until her husband came home. I immediately felt panicked and have been having terrifying thoughts that my guy had sex with this woman, ever since. Even though I have no reason to think that my guy is cheating on me. I managed to hide my panic from my guy, but it will probably come out eventually.
This can’t go on. Each time it happens, both of us question whether we should be together.
I took Xanax for the first time during the last attack. It helped a little bit, but I don’t want to become dependent on it. I have started seeing an EMDR specialist to address these issues. The specialist is booked up for month ahead though, and my second appointment is still weeks away.
My boyfriend says that my anxiety attacks are the one thing that stops him from asking me to move in with him, and he’s not sure he can continue to cope with them, because his own condition is hard enough. I told him I'm working on it, but it's unrealistic to expect it to get better overnight, and asked him if he was willing to wait. He said yes.
But even so, I’m now feeling under even more pressure to ‘fix’ myself, otherwise I will lose him. I kind of feel like I’ve been put on notice (even though he would probably disagree if I said that to him).
At the same time, I can’t help but feel that it’s a bit unfair of him to be like this. His PTSD symptoms also cause problems in the relationship, although these are usually more subtle and are ongoing, whereas my symptoms are acute and usually dissipate within 24-48 hours. This is starting to cause resentment on my part, because I feel like the relationship is a bit one-sided sometimes.
I don’t know what to do. Sometimes I feel like I want to just break up with him and run away, and be alone, so I will feel ‘safe’ again. But I know that I will regret it if I do. He’s not perfect but on the whole he’s a good guy, and I love him. I also know that if I don’t address my anxiety, then I will be never be able to function normally in a relationship, and I will be alone for the rest of my life. I don’t want that.
Has anyone else been through this before?
Any advice or commiserations welcome. Thank you (and sorry for the long post).
I’ve been in a relationship with a lovely guy for almost a year now. I have GAD, he has PTSD.
I’ve suffered from GAD for my entire adult life. I’m now in my mid thirties. My anxiety used to be triggered by just about everything – work, finances, study, relationships, you name it.
After years of CBT therapy, I am now in a position where the only thing that routinely triggers anxiety attacks is relationship stuff. Specifically, situations where jealousy and trust issues come into play. This is because most of my interpersonal relationships throughout my teenage years, and into adulthood have been difficult – I have been betrayed many times. The worst of it was when I found out that my long-term boyfriend had been secretly meeting with my best friend to inject drugs and have sex behind my back for at least 4 years.
After that relationship ended (which lasted for 15 years), I swore that I would never get involved in a romantic relationship again. Put simply, I did not believe that I would ever be able to trust anyone again.
Because I have so much difficulty trusting people, when I am put in a position where I feel like I am being expected to trust someone who hasn't earned it, then I become very very anxious.
When I have an anxiety attack, I become completely irrational. All those negative thoughts that have become ingrained after years of disappointment and betrayal become fact (I normally don’t believe them, not when I'm thinking rationally). I often say and do things that damage my relationship with my boyfriend.
Since my boyfriend and I have been essentially living together (although I still have my own place), this happens every 3-4 weeks. It tends to be about silly inconsequential things. For instance, a girl who is a mutual friend of ours sometimes sends my guy a message. I suspect she has a crush on him. When he casually mentioned a few nights ago that she’d contacted him, it triggered a massive anxiety attack and I kind of flipped out. That was 2 days ago and I’m still feeling panicky and fearful. And also ashamed that I can't "keep my sh*t together".
Then last night, he said that he had gone to buy some items off a man who lived nearby that afternoon. The man wasn't home at the time, so my guy said he sat inside with the man's wife and they chatted until her husband came home. I immediately felt panicked and have been having terrifying thoughts that my guy had sex with this woman, ever since. Even though I have no reason to think that my guy is cheating on me. I managed to hide my panic from my guy, but it will probably come out eventually.
This can’t go on. Each time it happens, both of us question whether we should be together.
I took Xanax for the first time during the last attack. It helped a little bit, but I don’t want to become dependent on it. I have started seeing an EMDR specialist to address these issues. The specialist is booked up for month ahead though, and my second appointment is still weeks away.
My boyfriend says that my anxiety attacks are the one thing that stops him from asking me to move in with him, and he’s not sure he can continue to cope with them, because his own condition is hard enough. I told him I'm working on it, but it's unrealistic to expect it to get better overnight, and asked him if he was willing to wait. He said yes.
But even so, I’m now feeling under even more pressure to ‘fix’ myself, otherwise I will lose him. I kind of feel like I’ve been put on notice (even though he would probably disagree if I said that to him).
At the same time, I can’t help but feel that it’s a bit unfair of him to be like this. His PTSD symptoms also cause problems in the relationship, although these are usually more subtle and are ongoing, whereas my symptoms are acute and usually dissipate within 24-48 hours. This is starting to cause resentment on my part, because I feel like the relationship is a bit one-sided sometimes.
I don’t know what to do. Sometimes I feel like I want to just break up with him and run away, and be alone, so I will feel ‘safe’ again. But I know that I will regret it if I do. He’s not perfect but on the whole he’s a good guy, and I love him. I also know that if I don’t address my anxiety, then I will be never be able to function normally in a relationship, and I will be alone for the rest of my life. I don’t want that.
Has anyone else been through this before?
Any advice or commiserations welcome. Thank you (and sorry for the long post).