New here..I may be beyond help...

[hg123]

Hi all. Hope all is well. I have been struggling with anxiety for over 10 years now. I am currently 27. It all started growing up with an OCD father with controlling behavior and a mother who was busy controlled by him that she would try and control us some and any which way. The attacks have subsided. In fact I havent had an attack in a few years. That is, until a couple months ago when marital issues arose and brought one on. I have been married 6 months and was probably only happy for the first month of it..before all the problems started. I had high expectations for my husband...I knew his family were the type of people I would have problems with but I thought he would see what was fair and speak up and defend me to them...that was not the case when things spiraled out of control with them. I was accused of many things that I did not do. I was being picked on and even though I tried to apologize for anything that I may have done that was not my intention..it did not matter. I was trying to be the bigger and better person for the sake of my husband because that was his family but he just wanted to sweep things under the rug and ignore them until they went away which backfired. Basically, I was shoved to the side like an outsider and now I feel trapped more than ever. I do now want to go back to my parents home but I do not want to keep living like this. My anxiety has got the best of me. My thoughts overwhelm me..I cannot think clearly..cannot function on a day to day basis. My memory has gone to heck. I feel so foggy and just want it all to end. I don't know if I am over-exaggerating things or if they deserve to be taken this seriously. I have hate and resentment towards my husband. He does not understand. He does not get it. He is oblivious and insensitive to my feelings and thoughts. But I sometimes think he chooses to "play dumb" just so he doesn't have to deal with things. He has a sister who has gone through the same problems with her inlaws and he is so understanding, comforting and compassionate when it comes to her situation yet with me he cannot or chooses not to see the wrong his parents have done. I feel insecure, unstable, miserable and unsure of everything..him...the future...life. I got married to be happy. everything felt so right when we met I was so happy and thought I was opening a new chapter in life. But that is not the case. People have always taken advantage of me, pushed me to the side, ignored, disrespected, bullied and hurt time and again. I have been in emotionally abusive relationships that really messed with me. My current husband is nothing like my past relationships. He is not controlling..he tries his best but I just dont know if his best is good enough. It feels like no one understands me. My slight OCD and need to be a perfectionist has taken its toll on me. I have not been able to look at myself in the mirror for years unless I have makeup on that covers all the blemishes. All this stress and anxiety has thrown my body out of whack and make my face breakout like never before. I cannot stand myself. Nothing is working nothing is right I feel like a failure. I dont feel motivated to do anything. I know I am settling in life as far as work goes...and as far as my relationship is concerned. I feel like our relationship can be great but I am now knowing how to respond to issues that arise. My frustration gets the best of me. My tongue gets tied. I cannot communicate what I really feel/think in a way that gets through to my husband. Hes a man I'm a female..he is so stubborn at times and cannot try and put himself in my position. I just feel so trapped from every angle. I fear God and have religion in my heart and that is the only thing that allows me to keep going and not doing anything to hurt myself but I pray almost every day for God to take me and free me from this life. I have lost 10 years of my life and I do not want to lose anymore. I do not know how to deal. I find it hard to stay calm..I get so overwhelmed...my mind goes to bad places and I don't know what parts are reality and what is my mind playing tricks on me. I just want it all to end.....

[gypsylee]

Hi all. Hope all is well. I have been struggling with anxiety for over 10 years now. I am currently 27. It all started growing up with an OCD father with controlling behavior and a mother who was busy controlled by him that she would try and control us some and any which way. The attacks have subsided. In fact I havent had an attack in a few years. That is, until a couple months ago when marital issues arose and brought one on. I have been married 6 months and was probably only happy for the first month of it..before all the problems started. I had high expectations for my husband...I knew his family were the type of people I would have problems with but I thought he would see what was fair and speak up and defend me to them...that was not the case when things spiraled out of control with them. I was accused of many things that I did not do. I was being picked on and even though I tried to apologize for anything that I may have done that was not my intention..it did not matter. I was trying to be the bigger and better person for the sake of my husband because that was his family but he just wanted to sweep things under the rug and ignore them until they went away which backfired. Basically, I was shoved to the side like an outsider and now I feel trapped more than ever. I do now want to go back to my parents home but I do not want to keep living like this. My anxiety has got the best of me. My thoughts overwhelm me..I cannot think clearly..cannot function on a day to day basis. My memory has gone to heck. I feel so foggy and just want it all to end. I don't know if I am over-exaggerating things or if they deserve to be taken this seriously. I have hate and resentment towards my husband. He does not understand. He does not get it. He is oblivious and insensitive to my feelings and thoughts. But I sometimes think he chooses to "play dumb" just so he doesn't have to deal with things. He has a sister who has gone through the same problems with her inlaws and he is so understanding, comforting and compassionate when it comes to her situation yet with me he cannot or chooses not to see the wrong his parents have done. I feel insecure, unstable, miserable and unsure of everything..him...the future...life. I got married to be happy. everything felt so right when we met I was so happy and thought I was opening a new chapter in life. But that is not the case. People have always taken advantage of me, pushed me to the side, ignored, disrespected, bullied and hurt time and again. I have been in emotionally abusive relationships that really messed with me. My current husband is nothing like my past relationships. He is not controlling..he tries his best but I just dont know if his best is good enough. It feels like no one understands me. My slight OCD and need to be a perfectionist has taken its toll on me. I have not been able to look at myself in the mirror for years unless I have makeup on that covers all the blemishes. All this stress and anxiety has thrown my body out of whack and make my face breakout like never before. I cannot stand myself. Nothing is working nothing is right I feel like a failure. I dont feel motivated to do anything. I know I am settling in life as far as work goes...and as far as my relationship is concerned. I feel like our relationship can be great but I am now knowing how to respond to issues that arise. My frustration gets the best of me. My tongue gets tied. I cannot communicate what I really feel/think in a way that gets through to my husband. Hes a man I'm a female..he is so stubborn at times and cannot try and put himself in my position. I just feel so trapped from every angle. I fear God and have religion in my heart and that is the only thing that allows me to keep going and not doing anything to hurt myself but I pray almost every day for God to take me and free me from this life. I have lost 10 years of my life and I do not want to lose anymore. I do not know how to deal. I find it hard to stay calm..I get so overwhelmed...my mind goes to bad places and I don't know what parts are reality and what is my mind playing tricks on me. I just want it all to end.....

Hi and welcome :)

Well I can sort of relate to your situation.. I was very unhappy in my marriage and ended up leaving after a couple of years (when I was only about 30yo). I don't have a great history in any relationship with men though.

I can't go into this much now because I have to go to bed sorry. I just wanted you to know I read your post.

Hang in there.. There are people you can talk to here and you don't have to just live in misery.

All the best,
Gypsy x

[hg123]

Thank you for your response. I don't even know if it's my marriage, my husband or me that is so messed up. I just can't think clearly anymore

[JustaGal]

Hi all. Hope all is well. I have been struggling with anxiety for over 10 years now. I am currently 27. It all started growing up with an OCD father with controlling behavior and a mother who was busy controlled by him that she would try and control us some and any which way. The attacks have subsided. In fact I havent had an attack in a few years. That is, until a couple months ago when marital issues arose and brought one on. I have been married 6 months and was probably only happy for the first month of it..before all the problems started. I had high expectations for my husband...I knew his family were the type of people I would have problems with but I thought he would see what was fair and speak up and defend me to them...that was not the case when things spiraled out of control with them. I was accused of many things that I did not do. I was being picked on and even though I tried to apologize for anything that I may have done that was not my intention..it did not matter. I was trying to be the bigger and better person for the sake of my husband because that was his family but he just wanted to sweep things under the rug and ignore them until they went away which backfired. Basically, I was shoved to the side like an outsider and now I feel trapped more than ever. I do now want to go back to my parents home but I do not want to keep living like this. My anxiety has got the best of me. My thoughts overwhelm me..I cannot think clearly..cannot function on a day to day basis. My memory has gone to heck. I feel so foggy and just want it all to end. I don't know if I am over-exaggerating things or if they deserve to be taken this seriously. I have hate and resentment towards my husband. He does not understand. He does not get it. He is oblivious and insensitive to my feelings and thoughts. But I sometimes think he chooses to "play dumb" just so he doesn't have to deal with things. He has a sister who has gone through the same problems with her inlaws and he is so understanding, comforting and compassionate when it comes to her situation yet with me he cannot or chooses not to see the wrong his parents have done. I feel insecure, unstable, miserable and unsure of everything..him...the future...life. I got married to be happy. everything felt so right when we met I was so happy and thought I was opening a new chapter in life. But that is not the case. People have always taken advantage of me, pushed me to the side, ignored, disrespected, bullied and hurt time and again. I have been in emotionally abusive relationships that really messed with me. My current husband is nothing like my past relationships. He is not controlling..he tries his best but I just dont know if his best is good enough. It feels like no one understands me. My slight OCD and need to be a perfectionist has taken its toll on me. I have not been able to look at myself in the mirror for years unless I have makeup on that covers all the blemishes. All this stress and anxiety has thrown my body out of whack and make my face breakout like never before. I cannot stand myself. Nothing is working nothing is right I feel like a failure. I dont feel motivated to do anything. I know I am settling in life as far as work goes...and as far as my relationship is concerned. I feel like our relationship can be great but I am now knowing how to respond to issues that arise. My frustration gets the best of me. My tongue gets tied. I cannot communicate what I really feel/think in a way that gets through to my husband. Hes a man I'm a female..he is so stubborn at times and cannot try and put himself in my position. I just feel so trapped from every angle. I fear God and have religion in my heart and that is the only thing that allows me to keep going and not doing anything to hurt myself but I pray almost every day for God to take me and free me from this life. I have lost 10 years of my life and I do not want to lose anymore. I do not know how to deal. I find it hard to stay calm..I get so overwhelmed...my mind goes to bad places and I don't know what parts are reality and what is my mind playing tricks on me. I just want it all to end.....

I sent you a private message

[hg123]

Hi
I have been praying for as long as I can remember. I feel as though it takes the pain and knots away from my chest but the misery lingers. This world feels like it is not for me i feel like most people i come across are nothing like me and cannot relate. Everyone it seems is out to get eachother. I know God put us on this earth for a purpose but i have yet to find mine and it feels like i never will. Im in a constant struggle with myself. I get anxiety if i go against my better nature and behave like others would. Even if i get revenge on someone it feels wrong and i feel bad. If i wrong someone unintentionally i feel so guilty and bad. I dont want negative and evil people to change me. My good heart is all i have i feel. Everyday is a struggle. My family is great but they do not understand why i feel how i feel and how i can feel most days. They just say u r exaggerating u are being too sensitive or just get over it dont think about it thank you for your msg and prayers

[gypsylee]

Hi
I have been praying for as long as I can remember. I feel as though it takes the pain and knots away from my chest but the misery lingers. This world feels like it is not for me i feel like most people i come across are nothing like me and cannot relate. Everyone it seems is out to get eachother. I know God put us on this earth for a purpose but i have yet to find mine and it feels like i never will. Im in a constant struggle with myself. I get anxiety if i go against my better nature and behave like others would. Even if i get revenge on someone it feels wrong and i feel bad. If i wrong someone unintentionally i feel so guilty and bad. I dont want negative and evil people to change me. My good heart is all i have i feel. Everyday is a struggle. My family is great but they do not understand why i feel how i feel and how i can feel most days. They just say u r exaggerating u are being too sensitive or just get over it dont think about it thank you for your msg and prayers

I know what you mean. I've felt like I don't belong here my whole life because I'm very introverted - not shy, I just find it exhausting being around other people and need a lot of space. I'm also very empathic and non-aggressive. Our culture values extraverts and considers introverts and sensitive people weirdos. So I've always felt like a bit of a freak and struggled to cope.

However as I get older (I'm 41 now) I'm finding it easier because I'm more accepting of myself. I've stopped trying to be something I'm not and I know what/who I like and don't like. I've stopped letting people into my life who make me feel bad and I'm very selective about who I associate with.

You say your good heart is all you have.. Well hang onto that. I've thought that before and thought it's almost a disadvantage in this world. But if you can follow it you'll eventually find it a huge asset.

You've made a good start by reaching out to people here. There are some awesome members on this forum who are very understanding of anxiety and depression. Have a look at the General Discussion board - that's where most of the action is.

:)

[hg123]

Thank you so much for that advice. It's exactly how I feel. I just want to be able to live and enjoy some part of my life. It feels like I am getting in my own way. I will check out the general discussion. thank you