What does this woman think of me?

[neverag]

I'm not sure if this is the right place for this but here goes.

I'm 22 and I have Asperger's and the social anxiety and depression that often come with it. The last few years have been rough but I'm working full time and I'm going back to school.

So about a month ago I noticed this woman who works in a different department at work. I had noticed her previously last summer when she presumably started working here but I forgot about her and she's gained some weight since then. I had recently changed my work schedule since I started school this semester. The times I eventually settled on to take my breaks ended up aligning with her lunch/breaks/whatever and I started noticing her a lot since I'd be using the water cooler in the cafeteria or eating a snack or talking to my friend or whatever.

After 1-2 weeks of this I finally decided to try talking to her. I don't have very good social skills and she's very pretty so it took a while. It was a little awkward but not bad. A few days later I was in the cafeteria and other than me it was just her and her coworkers talking. I overheard a snippet of conversation while I was checking my phone where one of them joked about her getting drinks with some stalker and she was like "Haha. NO way!" I thought to myself something like "Jesus I hope she's gonna be ok if someone is stalking her" and then going on my way shortly after. She was staring me down as I left.

I went on to sit with her at lunch, which she didn't seem to mind. We had a short, awkward conversation while she choked down her lunch and she didn't seem to mind talking to me. A couple days later I followed her to her locker so I could get her alone and ask her if she wanted to get drinks or something. She said she was probably could. Then she said she "kind of" had a boyfriend but they were sort of on and off. I asked her what she meant by that and she said it's a long story and asked for my number, which I figured I would give her since I was already in this deep.

That was about a week ago. Shortly after this, I realized that she's probably not going to call me and that I'm still kind of a fucking weirdo who she can't be very interested in. Then I realized that I probably creeped her out a bit. Then I realized that there's a good chance that the "stalker" they were talking about is ME. And I know I saw her talking to some guy who's a new supervisor in my department. Not sure what it was about, but the point is I'm starting to get really paranoid that she may have been concerned and started talking to people about me. And I'm starting to feel like everyone is staring at me and thinks I'm a psycho. Looking back, I can see why she might think that, especially since she probably noticed there was something off about me. I WAS bumping into her a lot, and I probably looked at her a little too much. I really didn't intend to make this person feel uncomfortable. I hope I'm just being paranoid about this.

I guess I'm just wondering if I should try to clear things up with her and maybe apologize, or if that would just make things worse and I should just start trying to avoid her and lay low?

Any advice?

[jessed03]

Kudos for talking to this girl, man. I know it doesn't always go to plan, but taking action of some sort is always commendable when you're dealing with the mental shit. Heck, I've swung and missed so badly at times with girls, but I never regret trying. Good to see a fellow gutsy individual.

It's hard to know if you've weirded her out. :) Without seeing her body language, or her attitude towards you, it would be a shot in the dark if I took a guess as to how she was feeling.

Personally if it was me, I'd give her the freedom to do what she wants to do, just in case. If she makes an effort to engage with you, well she can't feel that bad about you, can she? If she doesn't, she's just not feeling it. I don't think you need to apologise. Even if she did think you were creepy, apologizing for being creepy isnt going to help much. You just have to... stop being creepy, and that's easy to do by backing off and just being polite.

But give her some time. She may not feel that way. Let her play the shot.

[Im-Suffering]

I will give a 'general' message here, which can also help the OP on a personal level, should he return to his thread.

"What does this woman think of me?"

She sees you, as you see yourself.




I'm 22 and I have Asperger's and the social anxiety and depression that often come with it.



This is all that needed to be said/

We can finish the sentence : "and the social anxiety and depression that often come with it, because I often feel so awkward."

Unfortunately, in the sense that there is hardly any understanding from the general populace. this 'awkwardness' in manner and gait, is projected outward and so often misunderstood. What is an earnest desire, by this individual, to get to know someone of the opposite sex, would often appear 'creepy' by this projection. 'Social acceptance' is a learned skill (by everyone), usually by trial and error and conditioning. To the average person, this happens 'naturally', as in there is no 'awareness' of the gradual changes in 'becoming', where the so called 'disabled' of your species because of the 'conscious' effort, judge themselves quietly, but harshly, removing the natural ingredient, or flow of growing, becoming, and often turning robotic or removing themselves entirely from possible social experiences. They do not feel accepted, rather cast out or aside.

This is all best seen, to some degree or another in your movie, Rain man. And that movie, universally accepted at that time, was meant to teach people, should they come across such an individual in their daily lives, rather to raise the awareness, and understanding, if one of your peers seems 'different'. Mr Cruise's character, slowly came 'around', you see. He had the benefit of spending time with 'the rain man' whereas this girl described in the OP hasn't a clue.

Each person in a society counts, you see, and each is different and unique. Therefor different skills are generally needed catered to a specific personality, and accommodations, that offer opportunities for growth, to all parties involved. Man is very different in this way, psychologically than his animal friends, where say all zebra have the same patters of color, and generally speaking, all will act the same given the conditions set.

Many of your peers, even the 'famous' among you share what you call autism, some cope better than others given the set of 'rules', the parental conditioning, and understanding, the willingness to learn, and the influences of others that have the gift of teaching them skills. Teachers, in the most practical sense of the term. Hands on.

Society as a 'whole' is responsible for this education, no one should be left out or discarded. Any human is 'one of your own' and thus deserves to 'fit in' regardless of the 'limitations'. But that is a topic for a different century entirely. In the meantime, depression and social anxiety can be relieved by a friend (another peer) who understands, and is willing to take the journey with the OP, to play the game of life, 'hands on' together, gaining not only valuable experience but fulfillment and an enrichment to their souls in the process.

To a large degree then, 'social anxiety and depression" is proportionate to the social skillset. The higher the skills, so to speak, the less anxiety and vice-verse/

Relationships often require an 'emotional investment', you understand. And this along with the 'skills' discussed are usually not available from the autistic. The skills can be taught. The emotions cannot, and this is the 'problem' for society, and often why they sector the 'disabled' off, usually, from the rest. An autistic can be brilliant, you see, in his/her 'chosen' direction (whatever that may be) but lack any emotional connections even to a parent, that is apparent.

One in any case, or confronted with this case, must learn to give love selflessly, without expectation. When one gives of their love or heart, it is usually with some expectations, or 'return' on investment, and even the noblest among you, given time with no return (perceived) will go in search for some other fulfillment, or shut down their own heart altogether.

In those terms, the autistic teaches your society to be selfless with thy neighbor (strangers). To love him unconditionally. This is the great message. But there are certain 'steps' to achieving this state of being, you understand.

[neverag]

I will give a 'general' message here, which can also help the OP on a personal level, should he return to his thread.

"What does this woman think of me?"

She sees you, as you see yourself.



This is all that needed to be said/

We can finish the sentence : "and the social anxiety and depression that often come with it, because I often feel so awkward."

Unfortunately, in the sense that there is hardly any understanding from the general populace. this 'awkwardness' in manner and gait, is projected outward and so often misunderstood. What is an earnest desire, by this individual, to get to know someone of the opposite sex, would often appear 'creepy' by this projection. 'Social acceptance' is a learned skill (by everyone), usually by trial and error and conditioning. To the average person, this happens 'naturally', as in there is no 'awareness' of the gradual changes in 'becoming', where the so called 'disabled' of your species because of the 'conscious' effort, judge themselves quietly, but harshly, removing the natural ingredient, or flow of growing, becoming, and often turning robotic or removing themselves entirely from possible social experiences. They do not feel accepted, rather cast out or aside.

This is all best seen, to some degree or another in your movie, Rain man. And that movie, universally accepted at that time, was meant to teach people, should they come across such an individual in their daily lives, rather to raise the awareness, and understanding, if one of your peers seems 'different'. Mr Cruise's character, slowly came 'around', you see. He had the benefit of spending time with 'the rain man' whereas this girl described in the OP hasn't a clue.

Each person in a society counts, you see, and each is different and unique. Therefor different skills are generally needed catered to a specific personality, and accommodations, that offer opportunities for growth, to all parties involved. Man is very different in this way, psychologically than his animal friends, where say all zebra have the same patters of color, and generally speaking, all will act the same given the conditions set.

Many of your peers, even the 'famous' among you share what you call autism, some cope better than others given the set of 'rules', the parental conditioning, and understanding, the willingness to learn, and the influences of others that have the gift of teaching them skills. Teachers, in the most practical sense of the term. Hands on.

Society as a 'whole' is responsible for this education, no one should be left out or discarded. Any human is 'one of your own' and thus deserves to 'fit in' regardless of the 'limitations'. But that is a topic for a different century entirely. In the meantime, depression and social anxiety can be relieved by a friend (another peer) who understands, and is willing to take the journey with the OP, to play the game of life, 'hands on' together, gaining not only valuable experience but fulfillment and an enrichment to their souls in the process.

To a large degree then, 'social anxiety and depression" is proportionate to the social skillset. The higher the skills, so to speak, the less anxiety and vice-verse/

Relationships often require an 'emotional investment', you understand. And this along with the 'skills' discussed are usually not available from the autistic. The skills can be taught. The emotions cannot, and this is the 'problem' for society, and often why they sector the 'disabled' off, usually, from the rest. An autistic can be brilliant, you see, in his/her 'chosen' direction (whatever that may be) but lack any emotional connections even to a parent, that is apparent.

One in any case, or confronted with this case, must learn to give love selflessly, without expectation. When one gives of their love or heart, it is usually with some expectations, or 'return' on investment, and even the noblest among you, given time with no return (perceived) will go in search for some other fulfillment, or shut down their own heart altogether.

In those terms, the autistic teaches your society to be selfless with thy neighbor (strangers). To love him unconditionally. This is the great message. But there are certain 'steps' to achieving this state of being, you understand.

This is very interesting and rather useful I think. You certainly give good advice but the way you write makes some things hard to understand. Could you expound on that last sentence perhaps?

Anyway, it seems like you're sort of trying to say that I only have "autism" because of how I have always perceived myself, which resulted in social isolation, and other things. This could certainly be true. At least partially. I can hardly disagree.

Ultimately I just want to feel like I can actually give and receive love. Because I still seem to have an impulse in my brain somewhere telling me that I need some kind of companionship or affection. I tried to kill it when I was younger but it didn't work. Now It's starting to stress me out a bit. I managed a couple of brief relationships with some older women who were somewhat mentally ill, but it just stressed me out and I broke up with both of them. It's so difficult.

[Im-Suffering]

This is very interesting and rather useful I think. You certainly give good advice but the way you write makes some things hard to understand. Could you expound on that last sentence perhaps?

Anyway, it seems like you're sort of trying to say that I only have "autism" because of how I have always perceived myself, which resulted in social isolation, and other things. This could certainly be true. At least partially. I can hardly disagree.

Ultimately I just want to feel like I can actually give and receive love. Because I still seem to have an impulse in my brain somewhere telling me that I need some kind of companionship or affection. I tried to kill it when I was younger but it didn't work. Now It's starting to stress me out a bit. I managed a couple of brief relationships with some older women who were somewhat mentally ill, but it just stressed me out and I broke up with both of them. It's so difficult.

'Steps' that society will take (in regard to the last sentence which refers to a greater understanding of the self). This will happen over time. In other words it will not happen overnight. By you understanding yourself then, you could begin to piece together your life, and remove some self-imposed limitations. You can change your experience, rather than letting your experiences shape you. You are not waiting for external changes first, you see. That is the message today.

You could indeed say that you have 'autism' because of how you perceive yourself, and also equally say 'I perceive myself this way because I have autism", now the latter will impose restrictions, you see. The mechanics of creativity and what you create for yourself work the same regardless of any 'disability' - and I do not like that term, because the word itself implies some sort of built in limitation, however lets use it 'generally speaking'.

So the framework of who you are revolves within the confines of your beliefs. Good or bad. Another words, lets use 'stalker' as an example. Others cannot see you as a stalker if you do not see that in self first - So you see in your reality, your immediate environment, the product of those inner thoughts and feelings. I am saying you felt like a 'creepy stalker' and projected that outward. Then you were met with your reality (that you just created).

Now, with this understanding, you can shape your life. Regardless of any 'disability' which actually works to your favor - you understand - there are no limitations other than those in your mind. You must use those areas where you are strongest, and build on those. Realize where you may have weak areas and ask for feedback on those, or let them go. Don't push against the grain, you'll come to a dead stop.

Water flows around all obstacles, even big rocks cannot stop its natural movement. You can learn from this. Do not try and crack the rocks, you see, move 'naturally' with your talents (gifts) around them - Keep the flow moving in your own life.

If you believe you are acting 'creepy', than set your determination to move around those rocks, perhaps learn some new social skills, or explore areas that could help you loosen up, so to speak. Or ask for a mentor (psychically), say in prayer, to show up in the form of a new friend in your life, to show you the way -

The natural urge to 'give and receive love' you cannot kill, but you can suppress. Which is what you have done to an extent, the 'creepiness' etc, is a manifestation of that suppression, you understand. A psychological result of pent up emotions like water trying to break a rock. The psyche naturally begins to feel ill-equipped in those unfamiliar areas met with some defeat. Such as the relationships with the older woman. Those areas repressed/suppressed will have an outlet somewhere - if you dam the water, it will flow the opposite way, any available way, just as your own suppressed thoughts will turn back upon you often with less than constructive results to the psyche. As mentioned, the 'creepy' feelings originated in some form of mental suppression.

You do not have to meet 'mentally ill' woman because you believe yourself mentally ill (to some degree). You must begin to picture yourself 'sane' you see, and normal, healthy, joyful, and use what abilities you have been gifted with. Aspergers or autism sets up a framework for your life, you understand, they serve to highlight areas of expression while depressing certain others. Depressing means 'hiding' from sight. For example a man with one arm must learn to use it, highlighting creative outlets for one arm in an intensely focused way. Such a man does not spend his time brooding over his lost arm, he is to busy using what he has to the fullest.

And so your fulfillment will come as you explore yourself - find yourself - providing an enriching experience throughout life. Feeling that you deserve love, and feeling yourself to be rather 'sane', you will have no need to attract 'mentally ill' girlfriends filled with emotional trauma. Become aware of what you attract by your own thoughts and feelings. In this way there can be no blame, only personal responsibility.

Now I cannot help (physically) with your current predicament (the woman at work) but to say the sooner you get to work on yourself (mentally shaping a new you and examining your belief system for false ideas about you, and you in relation to the world) - the sooner the outer conditions will reflect that. If you do not, then you can expect to meet in the flesh, how you currently feel about yourself, along with repeats of past relationships. And so the psychological inner 'adjustments' you make to those beliefs will change the 'tone' of future 'outer' interactions.

That is all I have at the moment. Unless there are further questions

[FrederickMorone]

That is all I have at the moment. Is it enough ? Feel free to ask questions if you wish. But read this over a few times until the message clicks.


A person with no social skills telling somebody else how to develop social skills to get a girlfriend. Very ironic.

[neverag]

A person with no social skills telling somebody else how to develop social skills to get a girlfriend. Very ironic.

Well he does seem a little strange, and may perhaps have trouble socializing in real life himself, although I sincerely doubt he's the same person when interacting with others offline. Nonetheless, what he says goes along with everything else I have been learning. He appears to have a very good grasp of the nature of consciousness. Your post was much less useful than his to be sure, although I understand why you said what you did.


'Steps' that society will take (in regard to the last sentence which refers to a greater understanding of the self). This will happen over time. In other words it will not happen overnight. By you understanding yourself then, you could begin to piece together your life, and remove some self-imposed limitations. You can change your experience, rather than letting your experiences shape you. You are not waiting for external changes first, you see. That is the message today.

You could indeed say that you have 'autism' because of how you perceive yourself, and also equally say 'I perceive myself this way because I have autism", now the latter will impose restrictions, you see. The mechanics of creativity and what you create for yourself work the same regardless of any 'disability' - and I do not like that term, because the word itself implies some sort of built in limitation, however lets use it 'generally speaking'.

So the framework of who you are revolves within the confines of your beliefs. Good or bad. Another words, lets use 'stalker' as an example. Others cannot see you as a stalker if you do not see that in self first - So you see in your reality, your immediate environment, the product of those inner thoughts and feelings. I am saying you felt like a 'creepy stalker' and projected that outward. Then you were met with your reality (that you just created).

Now, with this understanding, you can shape your life. Regardless of any 'disability' which actually works to your favor - you understand - there are no limitations other than those in your mind. You must use those areas where you are strongest, and build on those. Realize where you may have weak areas and ask for feedback on those, or let them go. Don't push against the grain, you'll come to a dead stop.

Water flows around all obstacles, even big rocks cannot stop its natural movement. You can learn from this. Do not try and crack the rocks, you see, move 'naturally' with your talents (gifts) around them - Keep the flow moving in your own life.

If you believe you are acting 'creepy', than set your determination to move around those rocks, perhaps learn some new social skills, or explore areas that could help you loosen up, so to speak. Or ask for a mentor (psychically), say in prayer, to show up in the form of a new friend in your life, to show you the way -

The natural urge to 'give and receive love' you cannot kill, but you can suppress. Which is what you have done to an extent, the 'creepiness' etc, is a manifestation of that suppression, you understand. A psychological result of pent up emotions like water trying to break a rock. The psyche naturally begins to feel ill-equipped in those unfamiliar areas met with some defeat. Such as the relationships with the older woman. Those areas repressed/suppressed will have an outlet somewhere - if you dam the water, it will flow the opposite way, any available way, just as your own suppressed thoughts will turn back upon you often with less than constructive results to the psyche. As mentioned, the 'creepy' feelings originated in some form of mental suppression.

You do not have to meet 'mentally ill' woman because you believe yourself mentally ill (to some degree). You must begin to picture yourself 'sane' you see, and normal, healthy, joyful, and use what abilities you have been gifted with. Aspergers or autism sets up a framework for your life, you understand, they serve to highlight areas of expression while depressing certain others. Depressing means 'hiding' from sight. For example a man with one arm must learn to use it, highlighting creative outlets for one arm in an intensely focused way. Such a man does not spend his time brooding over his lost arm, he is to busy using what he has to the fullest.

And so your fulfillment will come as you explore yourself - find yourself - providing an enriching experience throughout life. Feeling that you deserve love, and feeling yourself to be rather 'sane', you will have no need to attract 'mentally ill' girlfriends filled with emotional trauma. Become aware of what you attract by your own thoughts and feelings. In this way there can be no blame, only personal responsibility.

Now I cannot help (physically) with your current predicament (the woman at work) but to say the sooner you get to work on yourself (mentally shaping a new you and examining your belief system for false ideas about you, and you in relation to the world) - the sooner the outer conditions will reflect that. If you do not, then you can expect to meet in the flesh, how you currently feel about yourself, along with repeats of past relationships. And so the psychological inner 'adjustments' you make to those beliefs will change the 'tone' of future 'outer' interactions.

That is all I have at the moment. Unless there are further questions

You have been a great help. I had a bit of an "epiphany" back in October that may have been at the beginning of some kind of "psychotic" or "manic" episode which lasted about a month. Ever since, I have been looking into human psychology and mysticism trying to figure out how exactly I can understand the nature of reality so that I can begin to understand myself. The words that you are typing seem to have the same "frequency" as my current body of knowledge. I am making efforts to address these issues of mine and hopefully it will be enough. I'm actually meeting up with someone I met on the internet this week. Maybe a new friend. Maybe he'll even be a "guru" or "mentor" or something. Maybe I'm being impatient but I like to see results from my effort. My fears always seem to be justified when I decide to try again. If my fears are actually CAUSING the failure, then I'm a little stuck. They're buried quite deep in my subconscious so they are difficult to extract or override. I guess time is the only resource I have, although it seems to be running out already, even though I'm still in my 20s.

[neverag]

I'm not sure if you're still around or not. But I'm curious after reading over your last post a few times.

Nothing you've said is really news to me. I am working to purge illogical distortions in my mind. Clearly I haven't done a very good job asking for help or overcoming my obstacles. Stuck in a loop of failure and apathy. The real problem is this awful feeling in my mind. It's almost palpable, like I can feel it as a pressure from within my head. It's like screws turning into my mind. I can hardly describe it. The medications they gave me wouldn't stop it. But I was hardly surprised about that.

My real question now is what do you believe 'autism' is? Or can you tell me for certain?

[Im-Suffering]

I'm not sure if you're still around or not. But I'm curious after reading over your last post a few times.

Nothing you've said is really news to me. I am working to purge illogical distortions in my mind. Clearly I haven't done a very good job asking for help or overcoming my obstacles. Stuck in a loop of failure and apathy. The real problem is this awful feeling in my mind. It's almost palpable, like I can feel it as a pressure from within my head. It's like screws turning into my mind. I can hardly describe it. The medications they gave me wouldn't stop it. But I was hardly surprised about that.

My real question now is what do you believe 'autism' is? Or can you tell me for certain?

Send me a PM with questions. You may need 10 posts to private message, so get the count to 10, click on my nic and PM.

[neverag]

Ok. This should be #9