Bad Mothers and Anxiety

[gypsylee]

Hi Guys,

My friend and I are having (another) in-depth discussion about our mothers. We're both female, in our late 30s/early 40s and have mothers who we consider... Not so good. Mine is incredibly neurotic, aggressive, emotionally unstable and immature. Hers is narcissistic, controlling, manipulative and immature. The result for both of us has been similar -- very low self-confidence, anxiety and depression.

We always wonder if there are other mothers out there who are like this. It seems to be a bit of a taboo subject; the "bad mother". So I'm wondering if there is anyone else here who feels like their anxiety/depression is a result (or partly a result) of less-than-perfect mothering? If not, what is/was your mother like?

I understand that fathers are part of the equation but I'm far more interested in mothers because my friend and I don't have issues with our fathers. So I'm not saying mothers are more important than fathers!

Any input would be much appreciated :)

Cheers,
Gypsy x

[jessed03]

My mother was pretty afraid of the world and lacked aggression. I think because of that, I was fairly passive growing up. I didn't hit my stride until about 21.

It could have been worse, but there were a few lessons I wasn't taught as a child, for sure.

[gypsylee]

My mother was pretty afraid of the world and lacked aggression. I think because of that, I was fairly passive growing up. I didn't hit my stride until about 21.

It could have been worse, but there were a few lessons I wasn't taught as a child, for sure.

Mine is terrified of the world but doesn't lack aggression when it comes to me!

[ThisIsSomeRescue]

My mother is abusive and narcissistic. She has her own anxiety issues and a psychiatric diagnosis, but it's the narcissism that was never officially diagnosed that was the hardest part. My life was just a reflection on her and it was never good enough. She never cared if she hurt my feelings, and she was so jealous if my dad ever spent time with me. If she wasn't the center of attention she pitched a fit. She expected better behavior from me as a child than she could muster up as a full grown adult. If I did manage to accomplish something noteworthy she did her best to tear me down by telling me I must have cheated, or anybody could have accomplished that, etc.

When I got some distance by going to college (something she had told me all my life I wasn't smart enough to pull off) I started to heal. Now in order to protect myself and my own kids I don't speak to her at all. One call from her can spike my anxiety like nothing else, and she *loves* to call. Any hour of the day or night, repeatedly, about the same nonsensical thing. So, her number is blocked and I am better off for it.

[Kuma]

My mother is amazing -- totally dedicated to the role of mother, 100% committed to her family, has A TON of friends, really interesting person, fun, upbeat, highly ethical, generous, and psychologically very strong. And I still ended up with anxiety! Oh well.

Also, i am sure that even those mothers who are described as not good also have some good qualities. People are too complicated to be described as "good" or "bad." When we describe someone in bad terms, we need to make sure that we are trying to understand their own challenges and difficulties -- and as best we can their own perspective. Might the mother who is described as a "bad mother" have a perspective that the child was a "difficult child"? Might there be merit to both points of view? At least sometimes that is probably the case.

[gypsylee]

Hey thanks for the replies :)

I think we hear too much about good mothers and not enough about bad ones - as I say, it seems to be a bit of a taboo subject. So I just wanted to get it out there.

I do try to see things from my mother's perspective and I even write down good things about her. It's a hard thing to come to terms with the fact that one's parents are less-than-perfect and sometimes my mum is a complete nightmare to be honest. So I feel like it might be easier to deal with if I hear other people's stories, rather than thinking everyone else has this perfect mother and resenting the fact that I don't.

[ThisIsSomeRescue]

I've never really felt that my mother was a mother, let alone a good or bad one. I felt motherless until I got married and lucked out with a great mother in law. I can empathize with my mother's struggles, especially the anxiety, but I have anxiety and I manage not to hit or belittle my children. I acknowledge their positive traits while empowering them to work on their flaws. I'm not perfect by any stretch but I'm not abusive.

I was told all the time I was a difficult child. I now consider it a sign of resiliency that I fought back when she hit me, that I had my own opinions and expressed them, that I didn't accept her image of me as factual. That made me very difficult which she told me frequently, along with the fact that she wished she'd never had me (I guess I did not fix her life the way she expected a baby to do). My kids have special needs and again, I manage to not hit them or shame them. It's not because I'm a great mom. It's the baseline of decent human behavior which my mother lacked.

As you can see holidays bring out the feelings for me! Holidays always stressed her out and I have to fight that still.