I feel like my life is over...

[ParanoidPrincess]

Hi, everyone. I'm fifteen and have had anxiety and depression for as long as I can remember. I was diagnosed when I was eleven. It has been horribly bad for probably 2 years now, but has been extremely terrible for almost the past year.

First off, I don't go anywhere really. Only to doctor appointments. I am homeschooled due to social anxiety, so I don't go daily. I am basically bedridden. I never leave my room. I only do when I have to do things like go to the bathroom or get food, but that's it. I just lay in bed all day and do little activities here and there. I have bad insomnia as well, so is hard for me to sleep. I don't exercise or anything either, which makes me feel like a slob.

I don't know what to do. I have had suicidal thoughts and I feel like my life is over. My social anxiety is extreme. I make every situation awkward and I have no friends (Obviously). I don't communicate with anyone besides my therapist. I can't even do a simple thing like give someone a hand shake because I am afraid of making things weird, therefore making them weird.

Anyway, I don't know what to do anymore. I feel so alone. I have pretty much given up hope. I've tried everything I can think of. I am on medication, I've done hours of research... What do I do? I have no idea. Literally none. I stay in bed ALL DAY. When I say all day, I'm not joking. There's probably only a total of an hour that I'm out of my room a day. I feel like a slob, although I'm not because I have OCD and I'm a neat person, but... Yeah, it's obvious how bad my anxiety is. I have so many mental illnesses and I just think it'd be best to end it all. It probably is, because nobody cares about me (No friends). I don't have the best relationship with my parents either due to this.

[sae]

This is likely going to be a total mom response but I see some of these same things in my daughter as well and I say the same things to her.
In life there is no reAL permanence. You will change and grow until the day you die. You will evolve adapt to your surroundings with necessity. Adaptation is terribly uncomfortable. Making friends is an awkward ordeal when you have anxiety. Sometimes the most rewarding experiences are the ones that hurt the worst at first.
At your age I went to public school. My parents didn't believe in the whole crippling social anxiety thing. It was a pretty crappy spot to be in. I spent 12 of my 13 years in school staring at my feet, my stomach in knots, never uttering a word to anyone. This was so noticeable that most of my classmates figured I was some sort of special needs. I had no friends, lived in aN area so remote my nearest neighbor was almost 5 miles away, and we didn't even have a phone. Completely cut off from the world.
My last year something in me broke. I began to speak. Once I began to speak I suddenly realized I had tons to say, things that maybe I shouldn't have said. In that year I made some of the most lasting friendships, landed an amazing job as a set designer for a haunted house company. It was scary but once I stepped into it the rewards were amazing.
Take little steps. Life is precious, especially yours. Don't be afraid to be afraid or uncomfortable. There are always people that won't like or understand you. Don't be afraid to make friends, sometimes finding that one person that will listen unconditionally and will make your world bearable again, your parents may not understand you (and won't) but they still love you. These are the things I say to my daughter and I pass along.

[plushie]

Dear ParanoidPrincess, staying in bed, withdrawing and hiding from the world will never help in my opinion. Why? Because you don't get the chance to see that you can participate in life and survive it. You don't get the chance to start to actually like it. You don't get opportunities to confront your fears, you're just perpetuating your avoiding life style, which I understand but I already know that it's not the path which leads to desired result. Non-action doesn't help. You won't ever wake up and realize that you are ready to go out. Because you got used to it, the wall between your room and external world is imaginary. It's built out of your fears and concepts. Think what's worse that can happen if you go out (little steps though, as Sae mentioned above!) and make mistakes and feel uncomfortable in the beginning. What is the worst case scenario? Do you have ANYTHING to lose? I've noticed from my own experience that I felt best when I was acting opposite to my wish to hide, to not do anything. When I started to go out when I didn't want to, I found out that it made me feel better! I realized that my fears, my idea of how something will make me feel was false. The beginning was difficult, but it was rewarding. You said you've tried everything. Try this, experiment, as I said you don't have anything to lose. Can there be something more terrible than spending life like you do in bed, suffering, isolated? Give it a try. Find just a bit of a courage and make the best of it!

[JustaGal]

Hi,

I am so glad you have reached here on the forum. Welcome.

There are many kind and caring people here that can relate to what you are going through.

Keep posting. : )