Kawaii
03-22-2015, 05:53 PM
I wrote this a while ago to help me assess things better. Putting everything out to read is better when your head feels like loose marbles.
Most people think about being ill as having a cold or the flu, maybe a sickness bug. When I think about being ill it makes me dread the evening approaching, the crying, the fear, the loneliness. As I write this I am suffering from a bad cold but that isn’t why I feel ill. The fact that I dread getting common illnesses that everyone gets from time to time simply because I am already struggling is enough to explain that, in short.
I haven’t yet been professionally diagnosed but I already know and think I have always known that something is wrong with me. I had to undergo therapy around three or four years old for separation anxiety which I barely remember. What I do remember is a room full of colours, toys and paints and a woman that would ask me things. I used to close off into the corner and play, I didn’t want to talk. As I got older I never wanted to join in, I would fake being ill to get out of school and group activities were not for me. I would scream and cry if I was left alone, as a teenager I was out until all hours with older friends as a way to escape and switch off to everything. In my late teens I never questioned it, children and teenagers commonly act out in this way after all. When I was with my friends I was bubbly and impulsive, when I was alone at night I would get angry and frustrated losing patience easily and struggling to focus on anything. I always felt as though people treat me differently because I wasn’t normal, that I was annoying and intruding on every ones lives. One thing I always remember everyone asking me when I would break down or lose my temper is “What do you want?” “What do you want me to do?” and I could never answer, all I knew is that I didn’t want to be anywhere or do anything.
Now I am in my mid-twenties I have opened up all these feelings more and tried to analyse what could be wrong with me. I am a natural thinker, I over think and over analyse everything, every day. I talk openly about my mental state instead of shutting off from the world. I am currently on a waiting list to see a professional and hopefully will get diagnosed so I can follow a straight path instead of running around like a headless chicken.
I know that I suffer with extreme anxiety and very occasionally I will have a panic attack. I have days where I wake up feeling pretty, fun and that I can accomplish anything. But this never lasts long, if it lasted a full day that would be a very lucky day. The rest of the time I feel guilty for being this way, that I’m annoying and overly needy and that everyone will want to leave me. My feelings worsen at night as I come alive at even if I’m tired. I’ve gone to bed sleepy before and as soon as the lights go out I want to draw, paint, create things or move my room around. But as the feelings of loneliness and sadness get worse I refuse to do anything, the things I love and enjoy become overwhelming and scary. I feel as though I’m losing everything that makes me who I am. The later it gets in the day the impending feeling of loneliness creeps up on me and I feel as though I am trying to run away from it but I can never run fast enough. When I am with my friends it’s always in the back of my mind but I can be either chatty and funny or reclusive and quiet. If I’ve had a good time and good company I feel elated and positive, then I get home and I get swallowed by the loneliness again. I can’t keep up with my feelings or control them. I love gaming and always have but I will get in bed with my controller in hand and just shake and cry. I have a very caring family and a boyfriend who both struggle to understand what I am going through but they do their best to listen, if they have time that is. Having a new relationship is amazing but also scary, when I am with my boyfriend it’s like being on holiday from my illness but I constantly worry that he will get tired of me breaking down and worrying about our relationship. When I’m really bad I think about all the young, pretty girls out there that don’t have a mental illness and that he might prefer one of those instead. But then when I feel better I remember that he loves me and he puts up with it all when he doesn’t have to.
I refuse to let this get any worse than it already has and will do anything I can to help control it. I am aware that I cannot cure it as it is part of what makes me who I am so I do not want to cure it anyway. But I will learn to manage it appropriately.
Most people think about being ill as having a cold or the flu, maybe a sickness bug. When I think about being ill it makes me dread the evening approaching, the crying, the fear, the loneliness. As I write this I am suffering from a bad cold but that isn’t why I feel ill. The fact that I dread getting common illnesses that everyone gets from time to time simply because I am already struggling is enough to explain that, in short.
I haven’t yet been professionally diagnosed but I already know and think I have always known that something is wrong with me. I had to undergo therapy around three or four years old for separation anxiety which I barely remember. What I do remember is a room full of colours, toys and paints and a woman that would ask me things. I used to close off into the corner and play, I didn’t want to talk. As I got older I never wanted to join in, I would fake being ill to get out of school and group activities were not for me. I would scream and cry if I was left alone, as a teenager I was out until all hours with older friends as a way to escape and switch off to everything. In my late teens I never questioned it, children and teenagers commonly act out in this way after all. When I was with my friends I was bubbly and impulsive, when I was alone at night I would get angry and frustrated losing patience easily and struggling to focus on anything. I always felt as though people treat me differently because I wasn’t normal, that I was annoying and intruding on every ones lives. One thing I always remember everyone asking me when I would break down or lose my temper is “What do you want?” “What do you want me to do?” and I could never answer, all I knew is that I didn’t want to be anywhere or do anything.
Now I am in my mid-twenties I have opened up all these feelings more and tried to analyse what could be wrong with me. I am a natural thinker, I over think and over analyse everything, every day. I talk openly about my mental state instead of shutting off from the world. I am currently on a waiting list to see a professional and hopefully will get diagnosed so I can follow a straight path instead of running around like a headless chicken.
I know that I suffer with extreme anxiety and very occasionally I will have a panic attack. I have days where I wake up feeling pretty, fun and that I can accomplish anything. But this never lasts long, if it lasted a full day that would be a very lucky day. The rest of the time I feel guilty for being this way, that I’m annoying and overly needy and that everyone will want to leave me. My feelings worsen at night as I come alive at even if I’m tired. I’ve gone to bed sleepy before and as soon as the lights go out I want to draw, paint, create things or move my room around. But as the feelings of loneliness and sadness get worse I refuse to do anything, the things I love and enjoy become overwhelming and scary. I feel as though I’m losing everything that makes me who I am. The later it gets in the day the impending feeling of loneliness creeps up on me and I feel as though I am trying to run away from it but I can never run fast enough. When I am with my friends it’s always in the back of my mind but I can be either chatty and funny or reclusive and quiet. If I’ve had a good time and good company I feel elated and positive, then I get home and I get swallowed by the loneliness again. I can’t keep up with my feelings or control them. I love gaming and always have but I will get in bed with my controller in hand and just shake and cry. I have a very caring family and a boyfriend who both struggle to understand what I am going through but they do their best to listen, if they have time that is. Having a new relationship is amazing but also scary, when I am with my boyfriend it’s like being on holiday from my illness but I constantly worry that he will get tired of me breaking down and worrying about our relationship. When I’m really bad I think about all the young, pretty girls out there that don’t have a mental illness and that he might prefer one of those instead. But then when I feel better I remember that he loves me and he puts up with it all when he doesn’t have to.
I refuse to let this get any worse than it already has and will do anything I can to help control it. I am aware that I cannot cure it as it is part of what makes me who I am so I do not want to cure it anyway. But I will learn to manage it appropriately.