Having a really bad week

[violetmoon]

Im going to talk to my doctor today about changing my meds but thinking about it is making my anxiety rise. Im falling back into my old pattern of not sleeping, counting and feeling like everything I do has terrible consequences. He either has to up them or put me on something new because they just arent working.

I am also supposed to go to a stupid weekly course that I have to take or I wont get my support check this month and it's making me sick thinking about going. The reason I can not find a job is because of my anxiety but the job coach I have to go to thinks its because I just dont try. Well its kind of hard to go to a job interview when you have a hard time going to it with out having a full blown panic attack and shutting down before you even leave your house. Ive tried so many times and its always the same.
Not only that but she wants me to do other things I dont feel comfortable doing.

First off, I would have to take a bus to the city, about twenty minutes away. This fills me with dread. I dont even want to think about being on a bus and having to be in the city alone for hours.
Secondly, I would have to sit in a classroom full of people I dont know with out anyone there to support me.

I haven't slept more then five hours since she told me on Monday that she expects me to do this. Ive broke down at least a dozen times just thinking about it, have thought up a million scenarios about what terrible thing will happen on the bus, in the classroo and in the city. I cant even think about it or I have a panic attack (having a mild one even typing about it now).
I want to ask my doctor about getting a note explaining why I cant go, but even thinking about asking him fills me with so much anxiety.
Ive been thinking that I just want to stay at home in bed and ignore it all. Bury myself in my blankets a hide. But I know I cant. Im just having a terrible week.
Ugghh!
Oh well, Im rattling on. Anyhow, crappy week so far.

[sae]

I pray your week improves.
I know most of this all too well. I don't know if this will help you, but I do public transportation with music. I scratched up change, traded in cans, sold a few favorite paintings and came up with enough for some good, loud noise cancelling headphones. I plug in some Sigur Ros, turn it all the way up, and steel myself against the outside world. It doesn't always work, but usually the loud calming music and detachment from my environment makes the bus a little easier (And keeps people from starting conversations that I will inevitably have to stumble through).

[Im-Suffering]

Im going to talk to my doctor today about changing my meds but thinking about it is making my anxiety rise. Im falling back into my old pattern of not sleeping, counting and feeling like everything I do has terrible consequences. He either has to up them or put me on something new because they just arent working.

I am also supposed to go to a stupid weekly course that I have to take or I wont get my support check this month and it's making me sick thinking about going. The reason I can not find a job is because of my anxiety but the job coach I have to go to thinks its because I just dont try. Well its kind of hard to go to a job interview when you have a hard time going to it with out having a full blown panic attack and shutting down before you even leave your house. Ive tried so many times and its always the same.
Not only that but she wants me to do other things I dont feel comfortable doing.

First off, I would have to take a bus to the city, about twenty minutes away. This fills me with dread. I dont even want to think about being on a bus and having to be in the city alone for hours.
Secondly, I would have to sit in a classroom full of people I dont know with out anyone there to support me.

I haven't slept more then five hours since she told me on Monday that she expects me to do this. Ive broke down at least a dozen times just thinking about it, have thought up a million scenarios about what terrible thing will happen on the bus, in the classroo and in the city. I cant even think about it or I have a panic attack (having a mild one even typing about it now).
I want to ask my doctor about getting a note explaining why I cant go, but even thinking about asking him fills me with so much anxiety.
Ive been thinking that I just want to stay at home in bed and ignore it all. Bury myself in my blankets a hide. But I know I cant. Im just having a terrible week.
Ugghh!
Oh well, Im rattling on. Anyhow, crappy week so far.

What is the symbolism of the picture of a man frowning in your avatar to the left? How do you connect with that? You are female correct? It is highly symbolic - Now we are going to examine why your life is the way it is - so lets move on. This post will help many people, just like the one under yours, and many readers. There is a way out of the current undesirable conditions - you may not like the way, but it will be lit up for you, should you endeavor to try - after all, its your life - and ultimately as you hide under the covers, you still face the self, you cannot sleep it off, or outrace yourself. You always wake up to the reality you have created.

Today, as you rise to the morning sun, the experiences to be met are the result of thought, feeling, expectations, desires, beliefs and actions you have taken. Whether that was yesterday and you create rapidly or a slow build over time - You must meet what you create, even if it brings you pain, thus learning how to think correctly, and clearly in making judgements, decisions, in daily life. Tomorrow will be the result of todays thought, another words, and this you must face. You are meant to feel the very real impacts of your beliefs including often pain, suffering, as well as joy, you cannot learn any other way in this life than by the physical and emotional feedback you receive. Now, you are not a child, and so you understand that the mental and physical are intimately connected.

Meaning your thoughts are materialized.

In your car you have a gas limiter, which prevents too much gas from entering the engine, a valve, that opens and closes. Like that gadget, in your own body, you have a limiter as well, to prevent you from acknowledging and taking responsibility for your thoughts and your decisions - to protect you from pain. This 'pain limiter' shuts down the heart and brain as a protective measure. Anxiety is the result of this 'hiding' from self, under the blankets - If the mind cannot interpret this hurt, painful experiences of the past, because the valve shuts it all down, the body begins to upon itself reflect its response to the repressed emotions. So you have shaking, sweating, nausea, palps, aches pains -

When the valve in the car opens, you have a flood of gas, and a charge of energy, and so as the pain valve opens because of the backup of suppression, the body floods with its chemicals and energy - you have 'attacks'.

The ideal is to have a steady flow, rather than dramatic highs and lows, which put stress on the valve, eventually it could malfunction entirely. what you are doing to your body is flooring the gas petal and releasing, flooring and releasing, now that would not be a good way to drive or to take care of your vehicle.

The anxiety 'limits' certain activities, and so it is an involuntary response to emotional trauma that you are unwilling to face or even recognize. Although in those times of a breakdown in bed you do ask self 'what is wrong with me, this isnt me, im stronger than this'. (fleeting moments of clarity). Taking the bus, sitting in classrooms, crowds, noises, and whatever other triggers all have an emotional equivalent - a cause in the psyche that has been blocked out and repressed, and thus your left with doubt worry indecision and fear ultimately as a result of unconscious denial.

Now I know you still have immediate problems you do not wish to face, although the momentum of the events psychically is set in motion, (by you) there is always a door out. You just cannot see it with all the focus on the problems themselves and not the solutions. My purpose here today is to get you to see that you create your reality, and so it is all your responsibility, and the events of your making. By realizing this, you learn to change, by your will, the direction and probable course of your experiences, you can go left or right, or perhaps stay in the center lane. But if you are too busy blaming, shaming, and hiding, you cannot take your power back to direct your life.

You will forever blame siblings who victimized you, parents or job coaches that are a 'threat' to your anxiety and an affront to your security - money for being at the root of your problems or any other scapegoat in which to project and give over your personal power.

Now todays decisions are not in your best interest, because you are not happy with your life. You have been making decisions, acting in certain ways that are not in your highest regard for self, your best loving interests for your own good, perhaps these abilities were stripped from you along with your integrity as you grew up within abusive relationships, including of course family whos consistent torment fueled the self image, and put fear in the body, closing off the heart. You cannot love self and act in the selfs highest regard, lovingly, when your heart is closed, thinking you are unworthy of love, that you are somehow inherently bad because of the way others acted toward you.

In such conditions the passion for achievement and creativity stops, and thus you have a dead life. Opening the heart involves releasing the blame, shame, and guilt from the heart, letting go of the pain and hurts, and healing the emotions that are swelled up in you like a storehouse of corn where the barn overflows, there is no more room. The emotions that you have been suppressing since early on, say for 30 + years are explosively volatile in that you cannot contain them anymore. And so you sway with lifes wind not thinking self good enough to fulfill your dreams. Bringing limiting conditions upon the self, lousy unwanted experiences and attracting more negativity - the bus, the class, the job coach, the monthly checks, the daily feedback, are all reflections of a self that has given up, in the mirror. And so anxiety forces you to face that picture, so you can change it. you cannot change what you deny and refuse to accept.

Look at self, this is the life you have created ! You cannot refuse to change a thing and expect tomorrow to be different ! That is the clinical definition of insanity ! Each release of pain, each healed hurt, each changed belief have an overall effect on the total psyche, removing a bit of limiting sight, allowing more of the world into view and opening those doors that are ever present just unseen, but needed as a way out of the current conditions.

You simply MUST deal with your inner self, even while all of your physical reality is closing in on you. It is closing in because of the inner self not being 'right'.

Now I do know the world seems ro be caving in on you - and i also know you will survive it. What we are telling you today, is dont create more of it. your tomorrows are the result of your thinking today - thoughts create your reality, however your thoughts come from your system of beliefs, which in any area of your life your not happy with, those beliefs are false. And the result of conditioning or self suggestions and experiences from childhood on up.

There is one way out - for your tomorrows - and that is to dig in to the psyche and solve those unresolved issues and emotions. (heal them). Now if you do, in spite of the outer conditions, you could see immediate changes in the everything around you, for the better. Dont expect the physical to change on its own, do...you...understand? So rather than crawl up in a ball and pity the self - do the work to get out of it - MENTAL work, and the physical will follow -

I honor and respect your journey. It is not easy - I can only nudge you in a different direction. Which i hope to have had some impact in doing here.

A good belief to have is "things will always work out in my favor". If you feel thats a lie, so to speak, you know you have some false beliefs that need addressing, any thought in your life that makes you feel badly when you think it....Is a false idea about the self, no exceptions.

[violetmoon]

I pray your week improves.
I know most of this all too well. I don't know if this will help you, but I do public transportation with music. I scratched up change, traded in cans, sold a few favorite paintings and came up with enough for some good, loud noise cancelling headphones. I plug in some Sigur Ros, turn it all the way up, and steel myself against the outside world. It doesn't always work, but usually the loud calming music and detachment from my environment makes the bus a little easier (And keeps people from starting conversations that I will inevitably have to stumble through).
Thank you Sae. The ear phones are a great idea. One I hadnt thought about before.