My experiences

[Joe Collins]

You know, I never pegged my self as agoraphobic until my girlfriend pointed it out to me. I always just chalked my negative feelings up to being anxiety related. I always thought agoraphobic meant being afraid of blood or being afraid to leave the house. I never understood what it actually meant until I looked it up.

Anyways, I suppose there's no better place to start off than telling you all about who I am where I'm at now in life. So here goes nothing.-

Hi, I'm Joe. I'm 23 years old. I have a 2 year old daughter who lives with her mother(my ex) in Massachusetts and I never get to see. As of march 11th I'm 3 years clean from a 8+ year daily pot smoking habit. I'm still living at home with my dad and I'm currently in the process of getting on my feet and getting my shit together.(I think this is a common thing that most people get anxiety about) I should have a car on the road by weeks end, and within a month I should be working full time with an electrical union; something I'm not particularly looking forward to as it's one of the things giving me anxiety. Today I had an interview with a Union board which actually went really well, despite having massive anxiety about the whole thing.

Taking a Valium in the morning before my interview was my saving grace. I'm lucky to have a doctor who is so willing to readily prescribe me benzodiazepines. I've been taking Valium for around 2-1/2 months now. Having had experience with addiction I have been very vigilant with my doses and trying my best to keep from getting addicted. I'd like to get off it at some point, but for the time being during this transitional 'getting on my feet' stage in my life I don't mind being dependent on it. Over the past 2-3 months I'd say I've taken maybe 2.5mg a day on average. If something happens to my awesome liberal doctor (god forbid) and I'm not able to get any more Valium then detox off of that dose shouldn't be too bad at all. But I digress...

I've always had some form of anxiety since I was maybe 13-14. Around that time my aunt Joni died. Her death was the first close family death I had ever experienced. I was living with my mother at the time and one thing led to another, and we ended up having to move to a different town. The new town had a school with 5x the number of students. It was all big shock to me mentally and emotionally. I had no friends and it was during that time I started to become more and more of a recluse. I started getting really bad stomach pains in school, feelings of my face flushing, and just a general uneasiness which can be best described as feeling as if the nerves of my arms/face/chest were being ripped out. I started seeing a psych and was diagnosed with social anxiety.

I did not respond well to SSRI medications and still do not to this day. I always got bad side effects. Most notably anorgasmia and severe nightmares. They ended up giving me Vistaril for the social anxiety. I think the pseudo-effect it had actually benefited me more than the actual drug did. I ended up coping and made my way through high school with a D average despite being extraordinarily intelligent up until grade 12. I was half a credit short and my school counselor suggested that I just get my GED. So I ended up taking my GED and acing it. Since then I've been coasting in life, bouncing between one shit job to the next.

I don't know when my anxiety peaked. It's hard to pinpoint the moment exactly. If I had to guess I'd say it really started getting bad when I was with my ex. Trust issues have always been a big problem for me and with her they were rampant. But that's another story for another time. What matters is that I have a girlfriend now that I have been with for almost 6 months and who treats me good and loves me to death....But again, I digress....

I have gastritis/ulcers. I have agoraphobia, social anxiety, and general anxiety. I can leave the house and I can talk to people with no problem. However, if I ride in a car with anyone but my dad I get panic attacks. I also get them when I ride on buses. I get dizzy, panicky, sick to my stomach, and it feels like my nerves are being ripped out. I think it stems from me feeling trapped when I'm not in control. The lack of control makes me sick. I find I can manage it better if I just think to myself 'fuck it..if I throw up I throw up...that's the worse that can happen. I accept that I'm anxious and there's nothing I can do about it.' That's the best way I've found to cope with it right now. I also found surfing and reading on my phone helps. Anything which distracts my mind helps immensely.

I figure posting my story will help me self reflect and serve as a much needed cathartic release of emotion. As well as giving others a chance to perhaps learn from me and teach me their coping mechanisms. Feedback would be much appreciated.

(It's late here and this post is unfinished. I plan on adding more to it tomorrow when I get a chance...until then, feel free to comment if you want. No worries.)

Note to self- writ about other symptoms, OCD

[Goomba]

In reference to what we were talking about over messaging...

Be careful with the phrases

I have agoraphobia
I have social anxiety
I have general anxiety

They will contribute to the confusion when working on the self identity.

The anxiety is a symptom of the identity battle, it is not the self.

While the self may experience anxiety, it is not anxiety.

Just some ending food for thought...

[jeffrocantona]

Hi Joe,

I'm Bry and would like to wish you the best of luck for the outcome of your interview, my doctor has never prescribed me valium, as its something i've always thought could help me as i suffer really bad nerves in social situations, the prozac does help with that a bit, but not much, I think they're tightening up on the valium prescriptions in the UK for some reason though,
I think you can really overcome those trust issues by talking openly about them on here and with someone you trust, especially a therapist, strangely though i used to feel a lot of jealousy with girlfriends but that is something the SSRI's really help with, i would much rather deal with my issues naturally though but i'm not ready to come off them yet, one day though!
Also i can really resonate with the drug use side of it, my mums side of the family has a rampant history of addiction, and mental illness, mainly with alcohol, so i've always been really conscious of my intake of drugs and alcohol, i used to do pot from 15 to around 21, but it started having an awful affect on me once i had some issues to worry about(check my last post), so i quit and started doing drugs that made me less socially anxious on nights out, ecstasy and cocaine for a good 5 years every weekend, but long term they made my anxiety 10 times worst, and just turned my brain to mush, so I just have the occasional beer now,
I really think you can find a way to use your clear intelligence to your advantage Joe and have a good life, dealing with your issues openly and on a regular basis,

All the best and keep in touch,

B

[Joe Collins]

Goomba- First off, big thanks for taking me under your wing when I first arrived here a couple days ago, letting me vent, and helping me to self reflect. I really appreciate that. I'm going to try my best to not let my anxiety define who I am.

Bry- Thanks for the luck! That sucks about your doctor being unwilling to prescribe any benzos. They are really helpful if used therapeutically and not abused. Have you considered going to see another doctor? Before I had started taking benzos I went to urgent care in the hopes that I could try a different SSRI than the ones I had tried when I was a kid. (citalopram) The doctor that saw me refused to prescribe them because 1.He was anti-ssri (I can't really blame him for that, I am as well) and 2.I was not a regular patient of his and he said he'd want to do preliminary and follow up blood tests to make sure my anxiety wasn't being caused by some lack of vitamin or something. No doubt this doctor would have never prescribed me a narcotic like Valium.

Anyway, I ended up setting up an appointment with another doctor(my current one) who seems much more liberal when prescribing meds. Don't get me wrong, he doesn't just hand me his prescription pad and tell me to have at it. However, he does hear me out and let me pick and choose. Since I'm a small guy and I don't like feeling drugged up I always end up asking for smaller mg pills than he wants to give me to start off. I think my honesty when describing what I want and why, and the fact that I'm intelligent and knowledgeable when it comes to medications really helps and plays a big part in him being so liberal when prescribing me meds. Anyways, my point is; a little doctor shopping may be a good idea for you. Asking for narcotics outright like I did will put up a red flag to them, but if you first explain what your experience and symptoms are honestly and sincerely they'll be way more likely to help you.

Regarding trust issues...I don't even know where to begin. I think they were more progressive, starting off with a bad experience in my first romantic relationship when I was young(and perhaps my early life friendships as well) and getting worse and worse with each subsequent one. I've written quite a bit about these issues in a journal on my computer. I'm using my girlfriends computer right now and we came up to my moms house in the mountains last night to spend some time with here and spend the night here. Once I get home I'll post what I have in my journal.

Thanks for the compliment btw. I appreciate that as well. :)

On another note, I finally got my first car on the road! I'm so stoked. It is some much needed freedom that I've been looking forward to. My dad bought it for me as a sort of present for my show of effort trying to get on my feet and getting in the union. I grew up poor as a middle child, so I sort of always got the shit end of the stick. It's nice to finally got something nice for a change. It's a 2004 Black SAAB 9.4 Linear 2.0 Turbo with around 90k miles. Not a farrari by any means, but it's a really solid car and I'm extremely grateful to have it. I'm happy to note that I actually don't get that much anxiety while driving. I just tell myself; So long as I don't hit any other car and don't hit any pedestrians I'm golden. As far as moving violations go, well, don't stress about them too much and just try to do the best I can to follow the rules of the road.

One thing I'm sure quite a people here have problems with is when people are behind us. When someone's riding my ass it makes me a bit anxious. However, I find that not checking my rear-view mirror(save when changing lanes and stuff like that) to see if someone is behind me is really helpful. The way I see it, if someone is behind me and they're in a rush that's their problem, not mine. If they had left the house earlier they wouldn't be late and wouldn't have to drive behind someone who likes to do the speed limit. haha

That's all for now.

Peace and love
-Joe

[Im-Suffering]

Peace and love
-Joe



Your a good man Joe, I knew that from the first moment you 'popped on'. :)

Ive got a question -

What do you have planned for say the next 20-40 years?

If that is private, ok - write it out to yourself - detailed.

If you have no plans, further out than the end of the month (or day), let me know why.

Also, get up to MA (very often) when you get paid from the new job, Baby girl needs her dad. And you dont need the guilt, regret, blame and shame. (which will inevitably set in) added to your already exhaustive list.

As you listen to Metallica while installing electrical boxes, let them remind you that 'nothing else matters' than your child - As dad gathers up his own bootstraps, starts to see whats truly important (coming out of the fog - the distortion), a large part of your anxiety will settle - that relationship (with your child) could teach you a great deal (about love, truth, life). Dont let her wind up like you did - with the same framework that would set the tone for her life.

Never let it be said, that this message wasnt given directly to you.

Now, this post should be separated into two distinct messages, to be considered independently, one, your future, and two your daughter. Then it will click in you, that they both intertwine. However anxiety and your current conditions may be preventing you from using your imagination constructively, where you cannot even see through the fog of each day. And so that is a problem, because what you think today, and picture becomes your tomorrow. You literally step into - your thoughts and expectations.

And yes -

You have more to be grateful for indeed than the SAAB. Your fathers approval means a great deal to you, and in a way symbolically you are receiving some - but most important is the self worth (and inherent joy) instilled from that acceptance, love, and hugs in early childhood, that you missed out on, and so 'the child you never see' is merely repeating, carrying your torch into a life of hurt and pain (the next generation), misunderstanding, believing somehow she was at fault, much like you did, for the isolation - and suppressed feelings.

And of course, her future relationships will be fleshed out by her beliefs from her own father (or absence of). "Men always leave me, they dont stick around", and "I am bad", "there is something wrong with me", "men cant love me" are not beneficial beliefs to have.

You may think this message is a little harsh, and you'd be correct. You have some 'thinking' and some internal, 'self growth' to do, that have nothing to do with external events, like a car, house, approval from others, a job and so forth. This is 'soul' work.

I give this message because of love and light - and for 'true' peace within.

[jeffrocantona]

I'm with you on the tail gaters Joe, i usually just slow down to piss them off even more, then they usually get the message, or have road rage at me, one of the two,
Well hope your new car is going well, they stopped making saabs over in the uk a while back so we only really see the really old school ones now, its cool u get to go to he mountains to visit your mum,
Things are going good with me, a few stresses at work with some nasty people, who seem hell bent on getting me into trouble at any oppurtunity they get, but thats the nature of my job, i'm a chef who works with the public, so i get a lot pf moaners and negativity coming my way sometimes, not good for the old anxiety levels really but i get on with it the best i can,

Take care Jo

B