Spiggot70
03-18-2015, 09:16 AM
Hey, members of the forum, both old and new!
I've been lurking around the forum, without registering for a few months now, and this morning decided to join up and try to meet some of the great, knowledgeable and helpful people I've seen post here.
Just some history about myself, and this "lovely" friend we all share named anxiety: I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety back in 2003. Was a strange time in my life, newly married, job promotion - then everything came crashing down, and I STILL don't know why. I spent WEEKS gagging from anxiety almost everywhere I went. First doc's tests, because of the gagging and lack of nutrition, came back with possible liver disease! CRUSHED, I was, let me tell you. I lived on Gravol to settle my stomach. Anyway, I'm making a quick history into one large post here! The depression and anxiety lasted about 5-6 years. My wife left me (for whatever reason she gave versus what I thought I caused, versus her cheating, yadda yadda yadda). Then things slowly improved. My psychiatrist told me I wanted to be depressed, despite constantly changing my Effexor dosage on a regular basis. That relationship promptly ended as well, by myself. She pissed me off and I dumped her. I must have had a "moment of clarity" and went off EVERYTHING! Sure, the "zaps" stuck around for around 5 weeks, but there I was, me again. And thank God! Because, my friends at work told me that I was a zombie all the time. I would go for smoke breaks with them and be part of conversations, but not be there for conversations. Scared the crap out me! I didn't know, and in hindsight, I don't remember much of about a year and a half. Yikes!
IT's funny though (looking back of course), but my "main" anxiety symptom always seemed to change. The gagging was like a "release" for the anxiety. Then it constantly evolved. I'd go into all of them, but it would consist of a rather large list, and probably with some lighthearted self deprecations for each of them.
Then, about a year (or so) ago, things started to go awry again. Anxiety in different forms, and SUCH worry about my health. Any little thing, I go to Google and self diagnose myself with the symptoms. GOOD IDEA!! Needless to say, I'm still pretty good health wise. I never did follow up with my terminal diagnosis with any doctors. On a good note, I've banned myself from Googling my own "symptoms."
I have a pattern in my head - and that head pattern notices patterns of life. Because, although it's probably a good thing for some people, I can't seem to forget any tiny, insignificant moment in my life - and mostly the negative ones. They creep up on me at any point in the day. (this is all leading up to something). So, life goes on, right? meet new girl, move to new city, get new job, which in turn, new house again, kind of promotions, bing bang boom. OH NO! there's the pattern again. My mind is crumbling, and this woman will leave me too!! RIGHT? Well, not so far, but this is how I think. Reassurance from her that she isn't seems to go in one ear and out the other.
I've tried breathing and all sorts of natural remedies. I WON'T go back on prescribed drugs again. I know people say that it's the right dosage, but I don't want to lose another year of my life to being a zombie. I know there are better alternatives to what was out there for depression and anxiety, but I can't do it. I'd feel like a failure, and I believe I MUST do it myself. Fix my own brain/thinking/what have you. I've tried to stick to a regimen of things, and it seems to have helped. Most of the suggestions were from this forum. It's been about 6 weeks of trying to stick to it, and it's better, but not where I need to be. I'm trying to coach my brain to stop fixating on any little physical ailment that I get. Unfortunately, I haven't come up with a successful way of dealing with that. My brain festers with it and then it just all falls apart in my mind. I do journal, and I try to keep my mind busy with side projects and hobbies (primarily painting and furniture refinishing). And I have a "mantra" that seems to help when my mind seems to race. I take GABA (helping? I don't know), passionflower, drink chamomile teas.
I regularly wake up with a random song blasting in my head. Almost every morning. It sticks with me all day. It's like having Bose headphones on, but I only know part of the lyrics.
So yeah. Confusing, wordy, redundant, random history of myself.
I'm here to listen to advice and hopefully to also help someone, if I can. Just looking to have people to share my thoughts with when I'm down, from time to time... when I'm at a weak moment. I've come to the realization that I can't do all this myself, and I know it's a terribly slow recovery process again. I, unfortunately, expect instant results. I know that's not possible.
Anyway, HI!
I've been lurking around the forum, without registering for a few months now, and this morning decided to join up and try to meet some of the great, knowledgeable and helpful people I've seen post here.
Just some history about myself, and this "lovely" friend we all share named anxiety: I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety back in 2003. Was a strange time in my life, newly married, job promotion - then everything came crashing down, and I STILL don't know why. I spent WEEKS gagging from anxiety almost everywhere I went. First doc's tests, because of the gagging and lack of nutrition, came back with possible liver disease! CRUSHED, I was, let me tell you. I lived on Gravol to settle my stomach. Anyway, I'm making a quick history into one large post here! The depression and anxiety lasted about 5-6 years. My wife left me (for whatever reason she gave versus what I thought I caused, versus her cheating, yadda yadda yadda). Then things slowly improved. My psychiatrist told me I wanted to be depressed, despite constantly changing my Effexor dosage on a regular basis. That relationship promptly ended as well, by myself. She pissed me off and I dumped her. I must have had a "moment of clarity" and went off EVERYTHING! Sure, the "zaps" stuck around for around 5 weeks, but there I was, me again. And thank God! Because, my friends at work told me that I was a zombie all the time. I would go for smoke breaks with them and be part of conversations, but not be there for conversations. Scared the crap out me! I didn't know, and in hindsight, I don't remember much of about a year and a half. Yikes!
IT's funny though (looking back of course), but my "main" anxiety symptom always seemed to change. The gagging was like a "release" for the anxiety. Then it constantly evolved. I'd go into all of them, but it would consist of a rather large list, and probably with some lighthearted self deprecations for each of them.
Then, about a year (or so) ago, things started to go awry again. Anxiety in different forms, and SUCH worry about my health. Any little thing, I go to Google and self diagnose myself with the symptoms. GOOD IDEA!! Needless to say, I'm still pretty good health wise. I never did follow up with my terminal diagnosis with any doctors. On a good note, I've banned myself from Googling my own "symptoms."
I have a pattern in my head - and that head pattern notices patterns of life. Because, although it's probably a good thing for some people, I can't seem to forget any tiny, insignificant moment in my life - and mostly the negative ones. They creep up on me at any point in the day. (this is all leading up to something). So, life goes on, right? meet new girl, move to new city, get new job, which in turn, new house again, kind of promotions, bing bang boom. OH NO! there's the pattern again. My mind is crumbling, and this woman will leave me too!! RIGHT? Well, not so far, but this is how I think. Reassurance from her that she isn't seems to go in one ear and out the other.
I've tried breathing and all sorts of natural remedies. I WON'T go back on prescribed drugs again. I know people say that it's the right dosage, but I don't want to lose another year of my life to being a zombie. I know there are better alternatives to what was out there for depression and anxiety, but I can't do it. I'd feel like a failure, and I believe I MUST do it myself. Fix my own brain/thinking/what have you. I've tried to stick to a regimen of things, and it seems to have helped. Most of the suggestions were from this forum. It's been about 6 weeks of trying to stick to it, and it's better, but not where I need to be. I'm trying to coach my brain to stop fixating on any little physical ailment that I get. Unfortunately, I haven't come up with a successful way of dealing with that. My brain festers with it and then it just all falls apart in my mind. I do journal, and I try to keep my mind busy with side projects and hobbies (primarily painting and furniture refinishing). And I have a "mantra" that seems to help when my mind seems to race. I take GABA (helping? I don't know), passionflower, drink chamomile teas.
I regularly wake up with a random song blasting in my head. Almost every morning. It sticks with me all day. It's like having Bose headphones on, but I only know part of the lyrics.
So yeah. Confusing, wordy, redundant, random history of myself.
I'm here to listen to advice and hopefully to also help someone, if I can. Just looking to have people to share my thoughts with when I'm down, from time to time... when I'm at a weak moment. I've come to the realization that I can't do all this myself, and I know it's a terribly slow recovery process again. I, unfortunately, expect instant results. I know that's not possible.
Anyway, HI!