Feeling overwhelmed

[Zoot]

I posted a thread to the Welcome forum a week ago, but it hasn't materialized there yet. Maybe it will, in which case, some of what I say here will be redundant, but I'll tell you a bit about myself.

I'm a 40-year-old man. I struggled with (what I identified as) depression when I was younger though it seems like anxiety looking back. Likely a good mix of both. Lately, it's back with a vengeance, worse than I recall it ever being. Before this bout of anxiety (or at least before I recognized it) I started having stomach pains in November. They were sporadic, but persisted (I still have them). I went to the doctors multiple times, had various tests performed (some with odd results but nothing alarming to the GP). I also had other symptoms that are likely unrelated (e.g., changes in bowel habits). At the risk of over-sharing, I had sores on my butt that occasionally bled. Through Google I became terrified that something is seriously wrong with me to the point that I had nightmares one night about having cancer. Two days later, I had intense pain, difficulty breathing, chest pain and back pain. I didn't realize it at the time, but I suspect now that I had a panic attack (never had one before). I still don't have any answers to what physically might be wrong, but it seems possible to me that most or all of my symptoms are due to anxiety.

My focus now is on the anxiety, but I don't feel like I can change it. I just want to feel happy and healthy again. All day yesterday I felt hopeless and defeated. I want to be much stronger for my family.

As additional background, my daughter, our first child, was killed by leukemia 6 years ago. Needless to say, we were devastated. Our grief was intense for two to three years. It's still intense sometimes now but in those years we were in a fog and barely functioning. I had thought I was doing better, but it's likely that I was using alcohol to cope and not addressing the underlying emotional trauma. That's my best guess.

The irony is that when our daughter was alive, I was truly happy for possibly the first time in my life. My wife and I would often comment on how happy we were and how fortunate we were. I feel like all of that was taken away. My relationship with my wife is stretched thin and she has said she can't take it anymore. If I don't change, I'm going to lose her.

I want to feel optimistic about the future again. I want to look forward to something but I feel as though everything is just bad and getting worse.

I'm not sure what I hope to accomplish by writing this and posting it here. I don't know what else to do.

[gypsylee]

I posted a thread to the Welcome forum a week ago, but it hasn't materialized there yet. Maybe it will, in which case, some of what I say here will be redundant, but I'll tell you a bit about myself.

I'm a 40-year-old man. I struggled with (what I identified as) depression when I was younger though it seems like anxiety looking back. Likely a good mix of both. Lately, it's back with a vengeance, worse than I recall it ever being. Before this bout of anxiety (or at least before I recognized it) I started having stomach pains in November. They were sporadic, but persisted (I still have them). I went to the doctors multiple times, had various tests performed (some with odd results but nothing alarming to the GP). I also had other symptoms that are likely unrelated (e.g., changes in bowel habits). At the risk of over-sharing, I had sores on my butt that occasionally bled. Through Google I became terrified that something is seriously wrong with me to the point that I had nightmares one night about having cancer. Two days later, I had intense pain, difficulty breathing, chest pain and back pain. I didn't realize it at the time, but I suspect now that I had a panic attack (never had one before). I still don't have any answers to what physically might be wrong, but it seems possible to me that most or all of my symptoms are due to anxiety.

My focus now is on the anxiety, but I don't feel like I can change it. I just want to feel happy and healthy again. All day yesterday I felt hopeless and defeated. I want to be much stronger for my family.

As additional background, my daughter, our first child, was killed by leukemia 6 years ago. Needless to say, we were devastated. Our grief was intense for two to three years. It's still intense sometimes now but in those years we were in a fog and barely functioning. I had thought I was doing better, but it's likely that I was using alcohol to cope and not addressing the underlying emotional trauma. That's my best guess.

The irony is that when our daughter was alive, I was truly happy for possibly the first time in my life. My wife and I would often comment on how happy we were and how fortunate we were. I feel like all of that was taken away. My relationship with my wife is stretched thin and she has said she can't take it anymore. If I don't change, I'm going to lose her.

I want to feel optimistic about the future again. I want to look forward to something but I feel as though everything is just bad and getting worse.

I'm not sure what I hope to accomplish by writing this and posting it here. I don't know what else to do.

Hello there :)

Someone else said they had trouble posting on the Welcome board. I don't know what's with that because there's no moderation anywhere else here. It's probably a glitch.

Anyway welcome to the forum. I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter :( I have a 13yo girl and I don't know how I would cope with something like that. So I think you're doing well just being here.

A lot of people get bad physical symptoms with anxiety. Have you seen a doctor about it? If that's what it is, meds can make a big difference.

Talking to others who understand what you're going through is also a huge help. So I hope you find some support here.

All the best to you,
Gypsy x

[Zoot]

Thanks for replying, gypsylee. I appreciate it.

I'm up and down right now--yesterday and Sunday were rough, both in terms of my abdominal issues but even more so in terms of my mood. Actually, yesterday, my physical symptoms were much more about tightness in my chest and back pain. So far I'm having a better day today although I realized that today is the anniversary of the date when Reilly was diagnosed with leukemia. This time of year is always worse for us, I guess maybe some of my grief is manifesting in physical symptoms. Well, more than that, it's anxiety, which is new for me (at least in relation to grief, if that is the root). I think a lot of it stems from not being able to bear uncertainty and also feeling as though I don't have control.

[gypsylee]

Thanks for replying, gypsylee. I appreciate it.

I'm up and down right now--yesterday and Sunday were rough, both in terms of my abdominal issues but even more so in terms of my mood. Actually, yesterday, my physical symptoms were much more about tightness in my chest and back pain. So far I'm having a better day today although I realized that today is the anniversary of the date when Reilly was diagnosed with leukemia. This time of year is always worse for us, I guess maybe some of my grief is manifesting in physical symptoms. Well, more than that, it's anxiety, which is new for me (at least in relation to grief, if that is the root). I think a lot of it stems from not being able to bear uncertainty and also feeling as though I don't have control.

I guess when you lose a child you would have feelings of things being beyond your control? My brother (33yo) died suddenly in Feb last year and it does change the way you feel in general about life. But losing a child is pretty much the worst thing that can happen to anyone. I think if you can survive that you can survive anything really.

[Zoot]

Losing a child really is about the worst thing I could imagine. Before I had children, I thought I had a pretty good idea of what having children would be like, but nothing entirely prepares you for the reality of having a child (it's so much more exhausting and so much more rewarding than you could imagine). Losing a child is similar. Before losing my daughter, I used to imagine how horrible it would be to lose her. What I imagined was a pale reflection of the reality. Some days I am so exhausted, it's hard to keep trying.

Anyway, yesterday my stomach was acting up again. I thought I'd try taking an ibuprofen to see if it would help, but it might have made it worse. Or my anxiety about the ibuprofen making it worse made it worse. By bedtime I was preoccupied with my sore stomach and couldn't sleep for hours. Now I'm back to not know whether there is a real problem with my stomach that is causing me anxiety or whether my anxiety is causing the problems in my stomach. My mind keeps running in circles.

I had my third session with a psychologist yesterday and ended up frustrated too. I wanted something tangible to come out of it to immediately help me cope better. We ended up talking about my relationship with my wife for most of the hour, which I didn't really see as helping me cope any better (I want to develop some practical skills!). But at the psychologist's urging I did speak to my wife about the fact that I perceive that she blames me for all of the problems in our relationship and that she expects me to "get better" to fix them, though she is doing nothing to change herself. She's terribly sad and I feel responsible for it. I also feel that if I don't get myself sorted out, our relationship and our family are going to fall apart. The psychologist told me that's unfair and that it's too much pressure on me. I had a long talk with my wife about it, which didn't go swimmingly well, but might have got us talking more at least. It is difficult for her; I do expect a lot of emotional support from her and have not been great at giving her the support she needs (too focused on myself). I know that. I just feel that I really need her in my corner.