Any advice?

[Robyn Boughey]

Hi, so since getting into a relationship with my boyfriend nearly 3 years ago..ive developed anxiety about our relationship...i went through some bouts of pure OCD symptoms which I am slowly getting over and coming to grips with...however whenever my boyfriend goes on nights out or anything like that my anxiety is so severe that i feel nauseous and cant sleep whilst he's out. I do trust him and dont think that he will cheat on me i just get anxious for his safety etc etc. I feel scared because i love him so much and i know that if he wanted to he could absolutely ruin me and i dont know how i would cope if he ever hurt me or left me...anyway i joined this forum as he is about to go on a lads holiday and my anxiety has spiked dramatically i feel so sick and cant stop crying at the thought of him going and its stopping me from sleeping and generally enjoying my day :( any tips or advice from anyone to deal with this?

[NixonRulz]

Hi, so since getting into a relationship with my boyfriend nearly 3 years ago..ive developed anxiety about our relationship...i went through some bouts of pure OCD symptoms which I am slowly getting over and coming to grips with...however whenever my boyfriend goes on nights out or anything like that my anxiety is so severe that i feel nauseous and cant sleep whilst he's out. I do trust him and dont think that he will cheat on me i just get anxious for his safety etc etc. I feel scared because i love him so much and i know that if he wanted to he could absolutely ruin me and i dont know how i would cope if he ever hurt me or left me...anyway i joined this forum as he is about to go on a lads holiday and my anxiety has spiked dramatically i feel so sick and cant stop crying at the thought of him going and its stopping me from sleeping and generally enjoying my day :( any tips or advice from anyone to deal with this?

Hi, Robyn and welcome here.

There are people better than I here that would be able to dive into the past a bit to analyze your post and address any reasons you may have abandonment issues if someone close to you passed away or left causing what you are feeling now.

You say you have gotten the OCD thing under control somewhat. Did that include obsessive thoughts? That was my biggest OCD symptom. I was the king of obsessing. I would obsess so much that if I ran out of thoughts to obsess on, I would borrow some thoughts from my friends and obsess over them.

What you need to help them stop is understand what is going on and it is quite simple. Simple to say yet a little more challenging to do.

You have to separate yourself, for a lack of better words, into two separate entities. One, let's call her "Rational Robyn." The other say we call her " That F*****g Girl That Obsessed Too Much Causing Me to Dwell on all Kinds of Stupid Sh*t." The latter is a bit long but I am sure I put her into the proper context.

But hold that thought for a moment.

If a great athlete just so happens to have asthma, that isn't a great combination. When the athlete is playing, he is pretty impressive and they feel great. Leave him in the game too long and he has trouble breathing and becomes half of what he normally is and people start throwing things at them because they may lose the game. They have to understand that they are two separate entities.

Now back to you.

When it comes to your thoughts, you have to separate which Robyn is sending things to your brain. You have to understand that you have OCD and those thoughts will come and if Bad Robyn takes over who is sending those signals, you begin to irrationally obsess. Anxiety will send those thoughts often and it is up to you if you want to pursue them.

If you can think to yourself that "That thought is my anxiety, not me thinking so I will not give it any attention." Essentially, it is not you thinking that way but it is your anxiety disorder. No reason to believe that, no?

In the longer term, the things that you think about aren't that important. It is the things that you think about and you BELIEVE that will screw you all up.

[Robyn Boughey]

thanks so much for this its a really good way of looking and reacting to my thoughts so thankyou and i will give this a try/

[Im-Suffering]

Hi, Robyn and welcome here.

There are people better than I here that would be able to dive into the past a bit to analyze your post and address any reasons you may have abandonment issues if someone close to you passed away or left causing what you are feeling now.

You say you have gotten the OCD thing under control somewhat. Did that include obsessive thoughts? That was my biggest OCD symptom. I was the king of obsessing. I would obsess so much that if I ran out of thoughts to obsess on, I would borrow some thoughts from my friends and obsess over them.

What you need to help them stop is understand what is going on and it is quite simple. Simple to say yet a little more challenging to do.

You have to separate yourself, for a lack of better words, into two separate entities. One, let's call her "Rational Robyn." The other say we call her " That F*****g Girl That Obsessed Too Much Causing Me to Dwell on all Kinds of Stupid Sh*t." The latter is a bit long but I am sure I put her into the proper context.

But hold that thought for a moment.

If a great athlete just so happens to have asthma, that isn't a great combination. When the athlete is playing, he is pretty impressive and they feel great. Leave him in the game too long and he has trouble breathing and becomes half of what he normally is and people start throwing things at them because they may lose the game. They have to understand that they are two separate entities.

Now back to you.

When it comes to your thoughts, you have to separate which Robyn is sending things to your brain. You have to understand that you have OCD and those thoughts will come and if Bad Robyn takes over who is sending those signals, you begin to irrationally obsess. Anxiety will send those thoughts often and it is up to you if you want to pursue them.

If you can think to yourself that "That thought is my anxiety, not me thinking so I will not give it any attention." Essentially, it is not you thinking that way but it is your anxiety disorder. No reason to believe that, no?

In the longer term, the things that you think about aren't that important. It is the things that you think about and you BELIEVE that will screw you all up.

Well, I should be out of a job soon. Or at least save hours of typing.

Just a few points mainly for you Nixon. So you read between the lines in future posts. Don't get pulled in by the spouting of words. They are the belief talking.

From the OP:

"I do trust him and dont think that he will cheat on me i just get anxious for his safety"

This is not completely honest and true, a self lie. The feelings speak the truth: (physical symptoms) -

"........so severe that i feel nauseous and cant sleep whilst he's out. I do trust him and dont think that he will cheat on me i just get anxious for his safety etc etc. I feel scared because i love him so much and i know that if he wanted to he could absolutely ruin me and i dont know how i would cope if he ever hurt me or left me"

Pay attention to the last sentence. Also "hurt me, left me, ruin me" "I love you so much daddy (or both) why are you doing this to me?" The post you read is of a little girl, possibly under 8 you see.

"I know that if he wanted to, he could absolutely ruin me" but - "I trust him". Now, this is not the way trust behaves. Trust is a good feeling.

This individual has suffered a loss, or abandonment (mental and or physical) - felt abandoned -in early to mid childhood. She may have been too young to remember, consciously. But the scars remain. I have simplified it here rather than go into a whole essay. You see denial here, and two separate identities speaking in the same paragraph. One "trusts" while the other is in sheer panic due to lack of any kind of trust. Only conditioning from caregivers can leave a mark on such a personality or in this case - the personality is split.

This person as in most readers needs to go within, especially while the friend is away and the feelings are strong. Instead of sit and brood, find the experiences that left such a mark and heal them.

Anyhow, the more I can teach you, the quicker my vacation can come. :)

[gypsylee]

Hi Robyn and welcome :)

So Nixon is taking over from Im-S? LOL.

[Robyn Boughey]

i dont like the fact im being told i was abused or treated unwell when i was younger, i had a very happy childhood and have brilliant relationships with both my mom and dad. When i was younger i did used to get seperation anxiety when i was away from my parents, but there isnt anything that my parents did to cause this that i know of?
Im so confused.

[Im-Suffering]

i dont like the fact im being told i was abused or treated unwell when i was younger, i had a very happy childhood and have brilliant relationships with both my mom and dad. When i was younger i did used to get seperation anxiety when i was away from my parents, but there isnt anything that my parents did to cause this that i know of?
Im so confused.

Good, feel that anger. Get sick of it. You are angry at self. You don't want to feel badly, and somewhere deep inside you resent feeling sick over your response to another's actions.

This is denial. The child blames self, never the parents. Here the parents could do no wrong. No matter what. Even the less than "brilliant" times would be blocked from memory to retain this sense of "happiness". Yet today's current feelings do not stem from the current relationship. They go way back. Now manifesting under the current 'conditions'

A storm needs the appropriate climate conditions to "pull itself together", and so do your feelings, overall, that might not show up - unless all the triggers are in place. The childhood abandonment 'feelings' may be so subtle as to never make the connection in adulthood, thereby having emotional outbursts that seem to 'run away from you'. If you trust, that trust must be all inclusive, this type of trust is a 'knowing' deep within, not a lie, a play on words that even as you say it, makes you sick inside.

I told you to use the time when he is away, and you are in full trigger mode, to ask self what this is about, and keep probing until the little girl surfaces, and gives you the answers. Then you can heal both of you at once.

You may discover, something very simple. There may have been days you were left alone, or say with grandparents, and the parent called to say they will be late. The child may have believed they would never return, you understand. And that she is at fault. Now, this would be blocked out only remembering they DID return, see. However if this happened on several occasions the beliefs would take footing. Also there may be father issues, which create ideas that would be associated and measured against all men, in future relationships. These are just a few examples, however, the work is highly personal, and only through examination of SELF not the boyfriend, can one uncover the mystery within HERSELF.

Your relationship is only bringing to the surface what's inside self, for healing. That is the ONLY purpose of ANY relationship. If you trusted fully, there would be good feelings, you understand, not this hot bed of volatility which comes from SOMEWHERE, you see.

That is all, I will not respond to false beliefs, only to one who accepts there is work to do.

[Robyn Boughey]

Okay sorry i was surprised by your answer to my problems that is all. I will try to think about what could be causing this. I do remember the days when i used to go to nursery and my mom would leave and i would cry and worry she'd be leaving me forever...not sure if this is connected to what im feeling now...but as of right now i cannot think of any other examples that may give me an answer. But thankyou for explaining that its not the relationship that is the problem but something already within me as i was totally confused as to why i couldnt trust him as he has never given me any reason to doubt him and he reassures me of his feelings for me often, however sometimes i find it hard to believe that he wont hurt and i guess the reason is what you are on about.

[Im-Suffering]

I do remember the days when i used to go to nursery and my mom would leave and i would cry and worry she'd be leaving me forever...not sure if this is connected to what im feeling now.



Use that memory as a starting point. Now, don't try and 'think about it' while feeling calm. The energy is attached to the emotions, so I want you to do this exercise while in the midst of it (reactions). So when he is away or you are triggered, remember to not sit in it, and brood, but do the exercise. "Ok, what am I really feeling here" dig, dig, dig into memories and the feelings in that nursery. See every detail of those surroundings. What was the teacher doing, the other children, were you embarrassed? What did mom say or do as she left? What was the day like, knowing every minute she might not be back. Let the movie play out. Then, what was it like as you reunited? What was said, was it "don't be silly, I will return" or just silence, you see. Now "don't be silly" is just as harmful, because it was (interpreted as) your fault, every day. In that case, your feelings were not validated. These are just a few examples to guide you.

Be - that child..those times were the formation of what is to be part of your adult belief systems. "People leave me" is the belief. Day in and day out reinforced as she left you there. Now, that little girl must heal. You see, she has forgotten the happy times when mom came back, period. And so the 'true' adult belief should be 'I trust, people always return to me, I feel safe, and secure in my relationships".

Do you understand the little girl misinterpreted her experience. Yes, it's that subtle.

But you cannot change a belief with 'thinking, or reason alone. The emotions must release, the crying when she left, the hurt, the pain. The unloved feelings. FEEL THEM. Let them go...

Now, trace your history throughout your relationships until the present. Is there a theme that runs through them? Like a puzzle it will all fit, no exceptions.

Instantly, and this may take several attempts, but instantly when a false belief changes, you never feel that way again. If the boyfriend leaves, and you feel secure, you see, you have been successful. If not, go back in.

Namaste. Given today with love, and honor, for your journey.

Side note : every one of you reading this can use these same methods to heal. Each experience is unique to you, however the way toward freedom is shared alike.

[justine74]

Great advice from I'm-Suffering, thanks so much, as by reading this I found the solution to my problem! Namaste! :)