Very afraid

[caroline445]

Hi, I'm new to the forum. I'm gonna try and make a very long story short.

I'm 33 years old, female. I've always suffered from some form of anxiety, it started out as social anxiety when I was a teenager and then it turned into a horrible OCD that lasted for years. I've never had a long-term relationship, I've had lots of short relationships, they never get to be long-term because I always tend to sabotage it a few weeks in because I am terrified of being close to someone for a long time. The OCD was under control for the last year or so.

I have been on meds for years, currently (and for the last 4 years) on Lamictal (for my moods) and Celexa (for OCD). Last summer I decided to quit medication (I'm not currenly seeing a doctor or therapist because I usually feel worse when I come out of those appointments). I weaned myself off it slowly, everything was fine, but when I stopped them completely I suddenly became very afraid of sleeping in my apartment, terrified, and there was this lamp and I had to move it someplace else because I was terrified of it. I went to my mom's house at 3 am because I was so terrified and sleepy, yet I couldn't bring myself to lie down and close my eyes. Needless to say, I started taking my regular dose again and all of that went away, but then something stayed with me, like an awareness of something, for example I would start to feel trapped in my apartment, like it was closing in. But, it was manageable.

A few months ago I went to the dentist. I had NEVER been afraid of the dentist, but when the local anesthesia kicked in and I was lying on my back on that chair and I started to feel trapped, I totally lost it, they had to leave me alone in the room for a few minutes. Because of anesthesia I couldn't feel myself breathing through one nostril and that brought a lot of panic and fear. I had to go to the dentist a few times after that and it was awful but it was okay when it was over.

A little more background: I'm a nurse and my OCD started when I pricked myself accidentally with a needle and had to be put on the whole HIV protocol (meds, tests). I knew I was okay but I got used to being worried all the time, "what if I'm HIV+ now" "what if I was the exception and I got it" (because the probabilities of getting HIV that way are VERY low) and then I knew everything would be fine, I would be relaxed, but that feeling of dread came over me, "something could be wrong". This was 11 years ago. After I was convinced that I wasn't HIV+, I started to worry about other things, everything you can think of. I then got into the habit of "confessing" what I've supposedly done wrong (to my mom), including any "bad" thoughts I had, looking for reassurance. I knew it didn't make any sense but I couldn't stop myself. Eventually I got it under control, during the last year or so. Which brings me to now.

I have started a serious relationship with someone I have been friends with for 3 years. I love him to death, I wanna be with him and eventually make a life with him. He's great and very understanding of all my sh**. It hasn't been long, just two months, but it feels solid because we've known each other for a long time. When it dawned on me that I was in a serious relationship I started getting all these doubts about him, overanalyzing EVERYTHING he says. During the past 2 months I've thought he was a rapist, pedophile, gay (we're both straight), interested only in sex or money, you name it. My logical side knew all along he isn't any of those things but I couldn't stop worrying and I got back into the habit of asking my mom for reassurance.

So yesterday I was feeling great, I kinda snapped out of it and realized I had a great guy and I don't have any serious problems like a lot of people do, so I should try and be happy. I warmed up some food, was gonna watch House of Cards, I was feeling very content and relaxed. I took a shower and while walking from the bathroom to my bedroom I suddenly became aware of these "floaters" (little black dots that drift along my eye field). I've had them for 4 years, I've been to the ophthalmologyst and they're harmless, so I'm not scared of losing my eyesight or anything. What started to scare me is that they're there, probably will be forever and there's nothing I can do about it. I have no control over it. I am very afraid and I don't know why. I am so sad and frustrated because it's my new worry, and it's gonna be there forever so I will probably worry about it forever, I'm terrified that I will never be able to relax again.

I don't understand why it scares me so much, it's not even annoying because I don't really notice them unless I look for them. They're non-existent in the dark. I'm getting this feeling of dread on my chest, I have diarrhea (sorry for the TMI), hyperventilating, I've started to wonder if I'm going insane. It's like my mind was looking for yet another reason to worry and there it is, like I'm so used to be in a state of anxiety that I cannot be okay even when everything's okay.

A week ago or so I suddenly became very scared of breathing, I thought "I'm gonna have to take breathes for the rest of my life". That terrified me for a while but then I saw it does not make any sense and moved on to worrying about my boyfriend.

Thanks to whoever read this, I know it's way too long but I had to tell the whole story in order to maybe get some advice. I am pissed off and sad and scared. Even my mom is scared, seeing me like this, and it hurts so much. It's like I have this awareness of that eye thing now and I feel like it's gonna drown me, or feeling that there's something wrong with my body and I can't do anything about it. Thanks for any replies.

[Kixxi]

Hi, I'm new to the forum. I'm gonna try and make a very long story short.

I'm 33 years old, female. I've always suffered from some form of anxiety, it started out as social anxiety when I was a teenager and then it turned into a horrible OCD that lasted for years. I've never had a long-term relationship, I've had lots of short relationships, they never get to be long-term because I always tend to sabotage it a few weeks in because I am terrified of being close to someone for a long time. The OCD was under control for the last year or so.

I have been on meds for years, currently (and for the last 4 years) on Lamictal (for my moods) and Celexa (for OCD). Last summer I decided to quit medication (I'm not currenly seeing a doctor or therapist because I usually feel worse when I come out of those appointments). I weaned myself off it slowly, everything was fine, but when I stopped them completely I suddenly became very afraid of sleeping in my apartment, terrified, and there was this lamp and I had to move it someplace else because I was terrified of it. I went to my mom's house at 3 am because I was so terrified and sleepy, yet I couldn't bring myself to lie down and close my eyes. Needless to say, I started taking my regular dose again and all of that went away, but then something stayed with me, like an awareness of something, for example I would start to feel trapped in my apartment, like it was closing in. But, it was manageable.

A few months ago I went to the dentist. I had NEVER been afraid of the dentist, but when the local anesthesia kicked in and I was lying on my back on that chair and I started to feel trapped, I totally lost it, they had to leave me alone in the room for a few minutes. Because of anesthesia I couldn't feel myself breathing through one nostril and that brought a lot of panic and fear. I had to go to the dentist a few times after that and it was awful but it was okay when it was over.

A little more background: I'm a nurse and my OCD started when I pricked myself accidentally with a needle and had to be put on the whole HIV protocol (meds, tests). I knew I was okay but I got used to being worried all the time, "what if I'm HIV+ now" "what if I was the exception and I got it" (because the probabilities of getting HIV that way are VERY low) and then I knew everything would be fine, I would be relaxed, but that feeling of dread came over me, "something could be wrong". This was 11 years ago. After I was convinced that I wasn't HIV+, I started to worry about other things, everything you can think of. I then got into the habit of "confessing" what I've supposedly done wrong (to my mom), including any "bad" thoughts I had, looking for reassurance. I knew it didn't make any sense but I couldn't stop myself. Eventually I got it under control, during the last year or so. Which brings me to now.

I have started a serious relationship with someone I have been friends with for 3 years. I love him to death, I wanna be with him and eventually make a life with him. He's great and very understanding of all my sh**. It hasn't been long, just two months, but it feels solid because we've known each other for a long time. When it dawned on me that I was in a serious relationship I started getting all these doubts about him, overanalyzing EVERYTHING he says. During the past 2 months I've thought he was a rapist, pedophile, gay (we're both straight), interested only in sex or money, you name it. My logical side knew all along he isn't any of those things but I couldn't stop worrying and I got back into the habit of asking my mom for reassurance.

So yesterday I was feeling great, I kinda snapped out of it and realized I had a great guy and I don't have any serious problems like a lot of people do, so I should try and be happy. I warmed up some food, was gonna watch House of Cards, I was feeling very content and relaxed. I took a shower and while walking from the bathroom to my bedroom I suddenly became aware of these "floaters" (little black dots that drift along my eye field). I've had them for 4 years, I've been to the ophthalmologyst and they're harmless, so I'm not scared of losing my eyesight or anything. What started to scare me is that they're there, probably will be forever and there's nothing I can do about it. I have no control over it. I am very afraid and I don't know why. I am so sad and frustrated because it's my new worry, and it's gonna be there forever so I will probably worry about it forever, I'm terrified that I will never be able to relax again.

I don't understand why it scares me so much, it's not even annoying because I don't really notice them unless I look for them. They're non-existent in the dark. I'm getting this feeling of dread on my chest, I have diarrhea (sorry for the TMI), hyperventilating, I've started to wonder if I'm going insane. It's like my mind was looking for yet another reason to worry and there it is, like I'm so used to be in a state of anxiety that I cannot be okay even when everything's okay.

A week ago or so I suddenly became very scared of breathing, I thought "I'm gonna have to take breathes for the rest of my life". That terrified me for a while but then I saw it does not make any sense and moved on to worrying about my boyfriend.

Thanks to whoever read this, I know it's way too long but I had to tell the whole story in order to maybe get some advice. I am pissed off and sad and scared. Even my mom is scared, seeing me like this, and it hurts so much. It's like I have this awareness of that eye thing now and I feel like it's gonna drown me, or feeling that there's something wrong with my body and I can't do anything about it. Thanks for any replies.

Unfortunately with anxiety, anything can set you off. Medication can also make you feel worse for a long time before you actually feel better. I do honestly believe in therapy. The reason why many people feel bad after the first few times is only because of the fact you have to deal with things that are difficult for you. I know it is easier said than done, but to get better you will need to learn to think differently. Your thoughts are the main cause of your anxiety, just like mine are. It takes a while to rewire your brain and medication is often needed for many anxiety patients.

I had moments to where I started to focus on certain things, and don't get me wrong, I still do. The most silly one I had was that I noticed that I always lent my head to the right when I am doing anything, reading or typing. I honestly though, well there is something wrong in my head, something is making me do this. Which is totally ridiculous when you think about it... When I really started to focus on little things in my body that did not mean anything, I started to get severe anxiety. I've ran around with this for seven years before I decided to find help. Trust me, you are not the only one with this problem and different things work for different people. Try to find a therapist that you feel comfortable and happy with, sometimes it takes a few tries. You might even find a physician that you can talk to more easily, or someone that is specialised in this type of disorder.

You can and will get better. You need to keep trying and be nicer to yourself. Do not judge yourself. Praise yourself for everything you do right and look at things more objectively. Not from the point of fear. I know this is difficult, and trust me, sometimes I still find it hard. But slowly and surely, you won't be afraid any more.