Is this social anxiety?

[6491]

I'm not afraid of people the way other people with social anxiety are, I just can't sustain being physically close, hanging out with someone else for a long time. I got panic attacks over coming home to the bedroom I share with my friend, or even just sleeping in the same room as her. I have low energy when I'm with people and can't recover fully until I can go and sleep in my own bed in my own room. And it can't be a hotel room where I crash or whatever, I need to have a home to return to with a room and bed to myself. When it gets bad, even talking out loud is really tiring, and I start hating the other person for being with me so much. The odd thing is, I as relaxed when I'm alone amongst strangers as I do when I'm physically alone, as long as I'm not expecting the strangers to talk to me. I feel most comfortable socializing not face to face, so phone calls and online are perfect for me.

I put up emotional barriers with everybody, including my family and friends. I can't stand having my existence being tied to another human being or something. If they cling to me, I feel repulsed that they've devoted themself to me, but then if they do their own thing, I feel angry that I put more into the relationship than they do. I've never been in a romantic relationship, and sometimes I even feel trapped by a friendship. There's no way I'll be happy so I've given up on an emotionally reliant relationship with anybody.

I also can't stand physical contact for a long time. After my limit, the other person really disgusts me, their warmth, their breath, their scent, the feel of them touching me. I can't sleep while touching someone else, and if I have to share a bed I can't sleep soundly if they might move in their sleep and touch me.

Recently I've been feeling that new relationships are counterproductive, and maybe it's better to just isolate myself. I've been wanting to cut ties with people I'd been friends with for a long time, but my life situation is now so different from theirs, I can't find anything in common to talk about. What scares me the most is when I'm with another person, but there is nothing to do or talk about. Usually if I can make some excuse to go home I'm ok but if there's no valid reason to leave them, I panic a lot. It terrifies me to the point where I shut down anybody that tries to befriend me but I can't really click with them.

Until I started panicking with that friend overseas, I've managed all these feelings very well and never guessed anything was wrong with me. And I have some other anxieties on top of this but for now I've really wanted to know if this is an anxiety or phobia, or if I'm making a huge deal out of nothing. I have many friends and they are all great people. I have a lot of self confidence and have a sense of worth not tied to other people's opinion of me. I just really want to get over the dread I have of socializing because I'm not bad at or scared of it.

[gypsylee]

You could just be introverted. I can relate to a lot of this and when you read about introverts it makes perfect sense.

Basically introverts are wired differently to extraverts (who outnumber us about 3-1). We are much more inwardly focused and need a lot of time by ourselves to recharge. Extraverts feel energised around other people whereas introverts get tired being around others.

Google it and have a read :) I wish I had've known about it years ago.

Cheers,
Gypsy x

[6491]

I always wrote off my feelings as being introverted, but I've never read about anybody that feels repelled by people to the degree that I feel? I don't think introversion could drive me to that kind of intense nonsensical fear I felt from being around that friend.

[Deerly]

What was that friend to you?

For a long time; because I hate being touched by most people in any way (Makes me freak out), I was afraid of intimacy, especially with new people. The idea of it just completely turned me off. I wanted no part in anyone touching me. Hugs were alright between my friends I had known for years, but only because I trust and love easily and I had no reason to be disgusted or untrustworthy of them. Plus, the fact that most people try to hug someone when they're crying. I hate that.

People who aren't introverted don't really understand how tiresome it can be to react to new people. It seems to me that you need lengthy periods of time where you can be by yourself and recharge until you want to socialize.
For me, I love my friends, but they understand that I absolutely need to be alone sometimes. Other time, I can be really clingy, but most of the time I'm more comfortable just being by myself, with little physical, face to face interactions with other human beings. Haha

It makes perfect sense to me to be repelled by others, and so I would just tell them how you're feeling and that it isn't really there fault at all. You're just wired that way.

If you're still worried, maybe talk to a doctor or psychologist (I know, it's gross and tedious) and see what they think.