Therapy going awry......

[baker333]

I have not been on a date in 4 years, intimacy a little longer. I am so frustrated. Being in my mid thirties this is not where I thought I would be. I have been in therapy for six months and I like my therapist, but she is not listening to me. She won't give me any input which is frustrating because I am willing to do all the work. She has recommended mindfulness which is a good mood stabilizer,but doesn't help with the general feeling one might have about their situation. Also, I live with my Mom and Dad which is wonderful..... My therapist keeps telling me that once my situation is so intolerable then I will change. I have been doing work. That is like lawyer telling a client that they will be acquitted if they tell the truth. See Richard Kimble and countless others on why that is not sound advice. The truth has to be solidified around strong legal argument just like goals have to be solidified around a strong treatment plan.

[gypsylee]

Hi Baker :)

I'm not sure what you are trying to say here about living with your parents and what the therapist is saying. Can you please explain?

Cheers,
Gypsy x

[baker333]

Hi Baker :)

I'm not sure what you are trying to say here about living with your parents and what the therapist is saying. Can you please explain?

Cheers,
Gypsy x

In regards to my parents, I am just explaining the nature of my situation. I understand why the connection might seem unclear. My therapist frequently says that until I am fed up that I will not have the motivation to change. This seems and is consistent with the trend in therapy. Therapist because the individuality of every client, are asking their patients to come up with their own solutions. I agree that clients are responsibility for their own lives,but they should brainstorm with their therapists to come up with solutions,not bare the responsibility alone. The reason why anyone seeks professional help of any nature is because they want help in fine tuning and organizing their approach to solving the problem. My therapist gives me an empathetic look and shrugs her shoulders. I think it's unrealistic for therapists to expect their clients to come up with the answer just like it's unrealistic for a doctor to expect a patient to provide their own health care.

[jpkirkpa]

It sounds to me like your therapist had a very hard-nosed opinion on what it takes for people to get better. Some therapists are born to do their work, while others just seem to be jaded to the plights of others. My recommendation is to find one that may be a little more tactful in their approach towards you and see if that makes any difference in your current opinions towards therapy.

[baker333]

It sounds to me like your therapist had a very hard-nosed opinion on what it takes for people to get better. Some therapists are born to do their work, while others just seem to be jaded to the plights of others. My recommendation is to find one that may be a little more tactful in their approach towards you and see if that makes any difference in your current opinions towards therapy.


My life is so distressing to me. I am in my mid thirties and for the last 10 years I have done more or less than same thing for those ten years. Everyday I go to my alma mater's library and go on the computer. Yes, I have worked,but my free time has consisted of mainly going to the library. Not having been intimate in the last few years, I wonder, what is wrong with me? Despite a constructive conversation I had with my therapist, I still feel somewhat lost. School is in session so on average I am probably 10-15 years older than the average undergrad. Is that normal? Despite dating, I have never been in a serious relation ship. I don't expect my therapist to satisfy my biological imperatives, but I kind of feel like there is no plan. I should write no coherent plan. I don't know.....

[gypsylee]

Ok, sorry for the delayed response. What are you actually seeing the therapist for? You don't say if you have anxiety or what. It doesn't sound like you're getting very far with the therapist.

It sounds like your biggest worry is not being in a relationship? What do you do on the computer at the library?

[baker333]

Ok, sorry for the delayed response. What are you actually seeing the therapist for? You don't say if you have anxiety or what. It doesn't sound like you're getting very far with the therapist.

It sounds like your biggest worry is not being in a relationship? What do you do on the computer at the library?

Thank you for the thoughtful reply. I look for work or google various things. Not that I think your implying this,but I don't look at anything salacious. I have general anxiety disorder and a little social anxiety. I am in a mindful group which is helpful and which run by my therapist. However, I find it tedious because my therapist says the same 100 different ways. I am sympathetic because she might see blank expressions. I am an active listener by nature and find the repetition wasteful of my time. The most I learn is in the last ten minutes of the group when she describes an exercise.

[JustaGal]

I have not been on a date in 4 years, intimacy a little longer. I am so frustrated. Being in my mid thirties this is not where I thought I would be. I have been in therapy for six months and I like my therapist, but she is not listening to me. She won't give me any input which is frustrating because I am willing to do all the work. She has recommended mindfulness which is a good mood stabilizer,but doesn't help with the general feeling one might have about their situation. Also, I live with my Mom and Dad which is wonderful..... My therapist keeps telling me that once my situation is so intolerable then I will change. I have been doing work. That is like lawyer telling a client that they will be acquitted if they tell the truth. See Richard Kimble and countless others on why that is not sound advice. The truth has to be solidified around strong legal argument just like goals have to be solidified around a strong treatment plan.

Hello, my dating life is similar. What are your other interest aside from the library?

[baker333]

Thank you for the thoughtful reply. I look for work or google various things. Not that I think your implying this,but I don't look at anything salacious. I have general anxiety disorder and a little social anxiety. I am in a mindful group which is helpful and which run by my therapist. However, I find it tedious because my therapist says the same 100 different ways. I am sympathetic because she might see blank expressions. I am an active listener by nature and find the repetition wasteful of my time. The most I learn is in the last ten minutes of the group when she describes an exercise.


There is something called dialectical thinking in which one entertains the idea that there are several different truths in addition to their own. It would be nice if my counselor acknowledged that I had some valid concerns regarding therapy. Now, she does not say that I am way off base or anything like that,but here non-verbals have a resistant edge to them. She says I have some therapy interfering behaviors. Upon reflection this seems like a incredibly obvious statement. Of course, I have some interfering behaviors just like a mouse who has been snared by it's endeavors to capture the cheese. I don't want to be snared again. Now I recognize and have made strides in fighting against my natural instincts. Again, I repeat, a therapist responsibility,is to help you fine tune and build your skills so you can overcome any mental road blocks. Frankly,though, I am torn because I like my therapist,but I wonder where is the therapy getting me?

[gypsylee]

There is something called dialectical thinking in which one entertains the idea that there are several different truths in addition to their own. It would be nice if my counselor acknowledged that I had some valid concerns regarding therapy. Now, she does not say that I am way off base or anything like that,but here non-verbals have a resistant edge to them. She says I have some therapy interfering behaviors. Upon reflection this seems like a incredibly obvious statement. Of course, I have some interfering behaviors just like a mouse who has been snared by it's endeavors to capture the cheese. I don't want to be snared again. Now I recognize and have made strides in fighting against my natural instincts. Again, I repeat, a therapist responsibility,is to help you fine tune and build your skills so you can overcome any mental road blocks. Frankly,though, I am torn because I like my therapist,but I wonder where is the therapy getting me?

So do you have one-on-one counselling plus the group? Or just the group? And you don't have to go do you?

You just need to decide whether you think it's worth going or not. If it's not getting you anywhere then maybe use the time and energy to do something else. You could even look for a different therapist. But good therapists are few and far between..

[raggamuffin]

Finding the right therapist is like finding the right medication. It's highly unlikely the first one you meet will be right for you. If needs be you'll need to keep searching until you find one who can really benefit you and help you heal like you want to.

Ed

[baker333]

Finding the right therapist is like finding the right medication. It's highly unlikely the first one you meet will be right for you. If needs be you'll need to keep searching until you find one who can really benefit you and help you heal like you want to.

Ed

I am so unhappy.... I am considering taking a break from therapy. Nothing is changing, I still after four weeks of having more or less the same conversation, I still have no sense were therapy is going. I know some of you have suggested that I move on and not dwell, but I feel bad because despite the facade of professionalism, my therapist's is a human being with feelings. I don't know. Here I am,again, at my Alma mater, on the computer corresponding with you guys. I do appreciate this forum,but this kind of behavior occupies much of my life. I haven't been on a date in four years. On top of that, I get frustrating by the idea of dating.... I just want to meet somebody I like without all the bullshit. I would like to have intimacy,but I also want to meet someone who could also be my best friend.

[1Bluerose68]

it sounds like you understand the content of what is happening. But it sounds like you desire more process in life. Sounds too bookish and not really ever taken out on a crash course for fear of imperfection or something?

[1Bluerose68]

What do you wish would happen? Because your desires are what stear your future. How will you ever change unless you meet new people. That may never happen unless you either join a dating service, do some volunteer work and meet new friends, or return to school , if you are no longer in school. Those are a few examples of how i met my closest friends.

[1Bluerose68]

If you keep therapy hunting, you may never deal head on with your issues though. The process of head hunting for a therapist is like avoiding ever having a long term friendship with a few people. Try figuring out your issues and try to take control of your therapy session so that you may address some issues that you feel you need to improve on. I had a therapist who dealt w/ every month as a new issue. We never went backwards. He listened to me as i grew monthly. I saw him for 3 yrs. I did grow emotionally. And then switched insurance and had no choice but to get a new insurance covered trherapist w/ new insurance coverage. Different therapy style, seems like i do more listening than talking now w/ my new therapist but sometimes i do need to Listen Really.

[Ponder]

Looking for the right therapist you can trust is as important as doing the same with a GP. Whilst I think there is a valid point to running from ones self ... I fully encourage that you move away those professionals that you think are not helping, as you think they should.

It's only by doing so that you soon discover that either your running or you are not.

Absolutely nothing wrong with moving on. Just be aware of the dynamics - just be aware full stop.

Many are lazy and get complacent in their jobs. You are the one that helps yourself.

Many do not listen as they should and push too much. Many simply do not understand and also in the wrong Job.

I find most people "cling" to what they wrongly quote "MY"Doc. That's the other side of not - changing Jocks/Underwear.

Again - if you feel the need and aware of the pitfalls - Then YES - Move On! Right, Wrong and Blame mean little - You'll eventually learn if your intention is genuine.

[PositivePerson]

I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through. Your situation sounds a lot like mine in that I haven't been on a date or in a relationship for 3 years. I went through a divorce 3 years ago. I basically had to start my life over from scratch and stay with family for a bit as well. I know that I have a lot to work on within myself before I can be in a fulfilling and happy relationship with another person. Perhaps that is what you should do as well? Find your own happiness before getting involved with another person. Starting over from the beginning is a second chance. From what you mentioned, it sounds like you're going to school? When you find yourself a new job, you'll be able to save some money and move out of your parent's home. Things will all start to fall into place. Don't give up on your therapy. Do everything to find your happiness again. I truly wish you the best.

[gypsylee]

I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through. Your situation sounds a lot like mine in that I haven't been on a date or in a relationship for 3 years. I went through a divorce 3 years ago. I basically had to start my life over from scratch and stay with family for a bit as well. I know that I have a lot to work on within myself before I can be in a fulfilling and happy relationship with another person. Perhaps that is what you should do as well? Find your own happiness before getting involved with another person. Starting over from the beginning is a second chance. From what you mentioned, it sounds like you're going to school? When you find yourself a new job, you'll be able to save some money and move out of your parent's home. Things will all start to fall into place. Don't give up on your therapy. Do everything to find your happiness again. I truly wish you the best.

Good advice there :)

[baker333]

If you keep therapy hunting, you may never deal head on with your issues though. The process of head hunting for a therapist is like avoiding ever having a long term friendship with a few people. Try figuring out your issues and try to take control of your therapy session so that you may address some issues that you feel you need to improve on. I had a therapist who dealt w/ every month as a new issue. We never went backwards. He listened to me as i grew monthly. I saw him for 3 yrs. I did grow emotionally. And then switched insurance and had no choice but to get a new insurance covered trherapist w/ new insurance coverage. Different therapy style, seems like i do more listening than talking now w/ my new therapist but sometimes i do need to Listen Really.


You are fortunate to have or had a therapists who won't look back. I feel like I am laying brick,but have absolutely no idea what the edifice will look like. The purpose of an assignment might be implicit,but I need it to be explicit. She doesn't connect the dots at all!!! I am starting to resent her. I need a therapist who is a battleaxe,but not totally void of empathy. I called this EAP line and a clinician told me that there are therapist like that out there. I understand completely what you wrote about therapy hunting and that is what I am afraid of. I feel like a big loser!!! I have stated this before,but when I share intimate fears and concerns,she just stares at me for what feels like an eternity. By the way, you wrote in a previous response that I read too bookish. What exactly did you mean? Thanks.

[baker333]

Good advice there :)

I am utterly depressed, it's a subtle depression though, no lying in bed for 24 hours a day. This depression manifest itself like inflammation of a joint only triggered when aggravated. Here I sit in my mid thirties at my alma mater watching Family Ties on Netflix. The last time I kissed a girl was 2011 which means I have had to satisfy my biological imperatives. What compounds this sporadic depression is that despite being a college grad I've never really a career. This means that I have often little or no money.

[1Bluerose68]

Get out and meet people in your community by volunteering, or intern or train in your major from college. Those are usually the best ways to meet new people w/ a common goal in helping others and meeting new friends, or at least aquaintances?

[gypsylee]

I am utterly depressed, it's a subtle depression though, no lying in bed for 24 hours a day. This depression manifest itself like inflammation of a joint only triggered when aggravated. Here I sit in my mid thirties at my alma mater watching Family Ties on Netflix. The last time I kissed a girl was 2011 which means I have had to satisfy my biological imperatives. What compounds this sporadic depression is that despite being a college grad I've never really a career. This means that I have often little or no money.

Ohh I hear you - lack of money can be very depressing. Lack of relationships isn't a cause of depression for me though for various reasons. But four years without isn't that bad is it?

[baker333]

Ohh I hear you - lack of money can be very depressing. Lack of relationships isn't a cause of depression for me though for various reasons. But four years without isn't that bad is it?

As I have stated in previous posts I find myself becoming depressed at odd times of the day. Medication is an option,but I am very leery of it. One, I am super precious about my sleep, if I don't get my 7.5 to 9, I get a little anxious. My concern is that these medications might cause insomnia and even if they don't having that seed planted worries me. However, I am pondering giving it a try, maybe because will make me feel better. In short, provide relief. Then it again it may not and I am essentially at square one. Would you mind sharing your experience if any with medications? Thanks

[gypsylee]

As I have stated in previous posts I find myself becoming depressed at odd times of the day. Medication is an option,but I am very leery of it. One, I am super precious about my sleep, if I don't get my 7.5 to 9, I get a little anxious. My concern is that these medications might cause insomnia and even if they don't having that seed planted worries me. However, I am pondering giving it a try, maybe because will make me feel better. In short, provide relief. Then it again it may not and I am essentially at square one. Would you mind sharing your experience if any with medications? Thanks

Have you got a few days? ;) The most successful meds for me by far have been SSRIs - Prozac, Zoloft and now Lexapro. They got me out of some awful anxiety/depressive episodes. They do make you feel worse at first though, so I've always had to take something like Valium to get through that.

[baker333]

Have you got a few days? ;) The most successful meds for me by far have been SSRIs - Prozac, Zoloft and now Lexapro. They got me out of some awful anxiety/depressive episodes. They do make you feel worse at first though, so I've always had to take something like Valium to get through that.

I have been depressed all week. I wasted my twenties, was never in a relationship, didn't have intimacy till my late twenties. I am 35 and I feel like my life has past me by. My therapist is a feckless dip. Feeling sad all the time, I don't wish my life on any one.