Anxiety about decisions I have made in the past....

[Lilliebelle89]

About a year and a half ago I ended my relationship with my ex. I really loved him but I felt I couldn't trust him and something happened where I had to come to a decision and I made it based on my gut feeling. I appreciate this isn't a relationship advice website but people have been so helpful and this is causing me anxiety so I wonder if anyone could take the time to help?

The issue now is that I often go over my decision because I loved him and I ended it because I felt he was either cheating or not trustworthy. Anxiety makes me doubt myself so I sometimes think what if I just pushed him away. What if it was my trust issues and he was just being a normal bloke?

I am not sure how to get past this. I try to remind myself of all the manipulative things he did and how he lied compulsively and hurt me. An example when we first got together he had a girl 'mate' but wasn't honest about her from the start. Used to lie she was a guy and when I found out he said she knew about us as was on his Facebook. When I looked she wasn't. She also caused the break up of our relationship. A lot happened in between such as lying about pathetic things and taking them too far, adding girls on Facebook and saying he doesn't know why he did it. Just silly things that were never big enough to end the relationship over but all added up to me feeling like I couldn't trust him. He also would make plans with friends when we was supposed to see eachother but I think it was all a control thing as when I wanted to see my friends he would kick up a big fuss and sulk. I think he wanted me to be begging him to see me and stroke his ego but I don't play games. If he wanted to see his friends I let him. I thought our relationship was going well, apart from the fact that he wanted to start moving things fast after a year such as getting engaged. I did want to but in my gut something didn't feel right. For example we had split up briefly and I booked a girls holiday because I was fed up of him messing me around. When I was on holiday he called me and said he was ring shopping and wanted to get engaged. This felt like a control thing as why say it when I was on holiday? It felt like he was just so scared of me leaving him but all the time the things he did made me feel like I couldnt trust him.

Looking back I know he had some issues and when we broke up I saw a councellor and she said she thought from what I told her that he has a personality disorder. I looked this up and he does seem like a typical narcissist.

However he had many good ways and would have done anything for me and when it was good we were like best friends. It's so hard because he moved on a couple of months later. I ended it because he had added the same girl he lied about at the beginning of our relationship on Facebook and told me he didn't have her number etc. Then I see that he had been calling her so he did have her number and was speaking to her. To me it felt like he was hiding this for a reason but the girl did say to me nothing was going on. I just don't get why he had to lie if it was innocent and why he felt the need to call other girls. I was so happy with him I didn't even think about calling other guys.

After writing this all down I think it's clear I did make the right choice and I know this isn't a relationship advice website but my anxiety often makes me think 'what if I made the wrong choice' 'what if how i feel is just a result from being insecure and not having a dad figure around' 'what if he truly loved me and I did something wrong?'

I think it is hard because I loved him and it took a lot to end it and let him go. I heard from him after the break up and even though I hated him when I first found out he had lied yet again and wanted to be as far away from him as possible, when I heard from him again I felt So emotional and missed him and wanted to reply. Why! Why couldn't I still hate him! Why did I suddenly start to doubt my decision and think maybe he did just call the girl as a friend and maybe he lied because men just do that?. I know I was making excuses for him and I didn't respond to him. He then got a new girlfriend a couple of weeks later. So I look the saddo still thinking about him and he is happy with someone else!

I'm still single a year and half later and have been on dates but wary of guys now. I want to find someone genuinely nice and trust worthy. I just get some moments when I obsess over my ex still. I guess it's because I had real feelings for him but when will this go away? When will it click and I feel like yes I made the right choice and his a looser. Deep down I know I don't want him as I never responded but at the same time I can't bear the thought of seeing him out or with his new girlfriend.

It's probably the thing that triggers my anxiety as a thought will pop up. Is it weird that I still feel this way so long after? I want to mention that I cant tell my friends as they would wonder why I still think about him as most of them just move on and forget about the past. I'm not sure if it's my anxiety or what but I can't help still wondering about my decision and it causes me pain and anxiety.

Sorry for the essay and I know this might not be the right place so I understand if no one wants to read this or reply. It felt like therapy just writing it all down. I guess I have to accept I'll never know if it was the right choice but it was my choice and life goes on. I wish my mind didn't think so much lol.

[Im-Suffering]

I will not copy paste that because it was too long. I will just reply. I was attracted to you today. Your vibration drew me in. It is very strong.

The message: (serendipity)-

Be careful now, with blame and guilt.

Relationships are only there for you to heal every false belief, idea, you ever had about yourself.

(I put that in its own paragraph. Because its an awakening. Read it as many times as needed for it to 'click'. This alone can change a life).

When you look at him, you see yourself projected into the mirror. And so it is you that has trust issues. Its all about you. The identity reacting so emotionally and the impetus for what you create is the little girl inside that misses that father figure and/or conditioning in early life. Trust (and its cousin, abandonment) were mental problems for you long before your first relationship. Never addressed fully and healed emotionally, this is your vibration to the world. One filled with scars and pain in terms of your expectations.

Since the little girl blamed herself (always her fault), you now have conflicts in your current decisions, and you are not sure what to do, who to be, to attract love. Once again, coming from the small hurt, confused child.

"I do not deserve this", "I am valuable and worthy of a great relationship, finding true love" is not felt, you see. This is a clear adult perspective. The child was not sufficiently developed enough to reason out her problems. "I will not stand for any abuse" was not considered. This is important. With her perspective, you simply must settle, and not act in your highest regard. And when you do, you will question and beat self up, because the belief is you don't deserve love, in its truest sense. That is the vibration.

And so you attract those 'types' of men into your life that will corroborate with mistrust, since that is your vibration. Its not about him, he is just your mirror. He is who is is, so take responsibility and place no blame. Blame and guilt strip you of you natural innate power, making you weak and vulnerable. Take your power back by acceptance. "These are my creations, both individually and en mass". Only then can you take action with some footing. (Firm ground).

And so, this relationship taught you to examine your issues with trust. The little girl inside you needs to heal her daddy issues. Once faced, the fear, the loss, the abandonment, your life will immediately shift into a new vibration and you will truly attract a trusting loving soul mate. You will no longer need the lesson. Emotionally, when someone mentions trust issues, since you no longer vibrate with that, you would feel neutral, you see, rather than " yes, I relate to that, it happens to me". You get what you expect.

If you do not work on self as I have told you, every man you meet you will mistrust, and they will surely prove you right. The reason of course is that you have not in that case learned the lesson. So each man will be progressively worse, bringing more pain to the self, like a vice grip, until you have the courage to face what's within and set the emotions of the little girl free.

Own it, take responsibility for creating your experience purposefully. Heal the issues and your dreams will come true. Expect the best, you see. But you can only expect a trusting man when you have trust in you as a base. Your feelings will guide you, from them you will know what your vibrating, intuitively what you will attract from your current mindset.

I behoove you (and anyone else who has these same issues) to listen here today. There is no other way. And no other advice that would be correct. Keep watch on your mind like a fortified castle, to not let in negativity. That is the curse upon the land. You will surely hear from somewhere, "eh, he was a jerk, its his fault" and if you fall prey to that alone, because of your vibration, you will endlessly repeat your mistakes. Take note.

May you be blessed.

[Lilliebelle89]

I will not copy paste that because it was too long. I will just reply. I was attracted to you today. Your vibration drew me in. It is very strong.

The message: (serendipity)-

Be careful now, with blame and guilt.

Relationships are only there for you to heal every false belief, idea, you ever had about yourself.

(I put that in its own paragraph. Because its an awakening. Read it as many times as needed for it to 'click'. This alone can change a life).

When you look at him, you see yourself projected into the mirror. And so it is you that has trust issues. Its all about you. The identity reacting so emotionally and the impetus for what you create is the little girl inside that misses that father figure and/or conditioning in early life. Trust (and its cousin, abandonment) were mental problems for you long before your first relationship. Never addressed fully and healed emotionally, this is your vibration to the world. One filled with scars and pain in terms of your expectations.

Since the little girl blamed herself (always her fault), you now have conflicts in your current decisions, and you are not sure what to do, who to be, to attract love. Once again, coming from the small hurt, confused child.

"I do not deserve this", "I am valuable and worthy of a great relationship, finding true love" is not felt, you see. This is a clear adult perspective. The child was not sufficiently developed enough to reason out her problems. "I will not stand for any abuse" was not considered. This is important. With her perspective, you simply must settle, and not act in your highest regard. And when you do, you will question and beat self up, because the belief is you don't deserve love, in its truest sense. That is the vibration.

And so you attract those 'types' of men into your life that will corroborate with mistrust, since that is your vibration. Its not about him, he is just your mirror. He is who is is, so take responsibility and place no blame. Blame and guilt strip you of you natural innate power, making you weak and vulnerable. Take your power back by acceptance. "These are my creations, both individually and en mass". Only then can you take action with some footing. (Firm ground).

And so, this relationship taught you to examine your issues with trust. The little girl inside you needs to heal her daddy issues. Once faced, the fear, the loss, the abandonment, your life will immediately shift into a new vibration and you will truly attract a trusting loving soul mate. You will no longer need the lesson. Emotionally, when someone mentions trust issues, since you no longer vibrate with that, you would feel neutral, you see, rather than " yes, I relate to that, it happens to me". You get what you expect.

If you do not work on self as I have told you, every man you meet you will mistrust, and they will surely prove you right. The reason of course is that you have not in that case learned the lesson. So each man will be progressively worse, bringing more pain to the self, like a vice grip, until you have the courage to face what's within and set the emotions of the little girl free.

Own it, take responsibility for creating your experience purposefully. Heal the issues and your dreams will come true. Expect the best, you see. But you can only expect a trusting man when you have trust in you as a base. Your feelings will guide you, from them you will know what your vibrating, intuitively what you will attract from your current mindset.

I behoove you (and anyone else who has these same issues) to listen here today. There is no other way. And no other advice that would be correct. Keep watch on your mind like a fortified castle, to not let in negativity. That is the curse upon the land. You will surely hear from somewhere, "eh, he was a jerk, its his fault" and if you fall prey to that alone, because of your vibration, you will endlessly repeat your mistakes. Take note.

May you be blessed.

Thank you for your reply but I must admit I am somewhat confused by it. I hold my hands up I have probably got my own issues in that I push people away when they hurt me because I don't want to get hurt! But doesn't everyone? I had a loving grandad who gave as much as a dad and more up until I was ten years old when he sadly passed away. All I want is a kind loving man and I am trustworthy and genuine when in a relationship. So I don't understand what you mean by saying he is a mirror of me? Are you saying I am to blame? It's my fault he treated me bad? He wouldn't treat others this way? Because I know he has. If it's my fault then how do you suggest I attract the right kind of man? I feel in a way it's made my anxiety worse because now I feel it was all my fault.

Just because I never had a good relationship with my father (I do still see him but he hasn't been there for me as has his own problems) I don't think it's fair to say I caused my ex to treat me bad.

If that's not what you meant then apologies but I am struggling to understand the reply. I want to work on myself and attract someone nice but I feel my past is unresolved despite it being resolved lol as I did make a decision and I respect myself enough to know I deserve better. I just go over the past and doubt myself which is what I need the help on.

Thanks.

[Im-Suffering]

Take your time with my posts, they are not ingested quickly (read slowly and take days if needed to fully grasp the messages, quite unexpected from a 'message board' you see. You do not go to therapy and say "hurry up !" I have no time to grasp any of this !", No, you go for often times years, until it 'clicks'. There is a good analogy. Well, I have given you years of (accurate) therapy in a day, here. So print this thread, and reread often.


Thank you for your reply but I must admit I am somewhat confused by it. I hold my hands up I have probably got my own issues in that I push people away when they hurt me because I don't want to get hurt! But doesn't everyone? I had a loving grandad who gave as much as a dad and more up until I was ten years old when he sadly passed away. All I want is a kind loving man and I am trustworthy and genuine when in a relationship. So I don't understand what you mean by saying he is a mirror of me? Are you saying I am to blame? It's my fault he treated me bad? He wouldn't treat others this way? Because I know he has. If it's my fault then how do you suggest I attract the right kind of man? I feel in a way it's made my anxiety worse because now I feel it was all my fault.

Just because I never had a good relationship with my father (I do still see him but he hasn't been there for me as has his own problems) I don't think it's fair to say I caused my ex to treat me bad.

If that's not what you meant then apologies but I am struggling to understand the reply. I want to work on myself and attract someone nice but I feel my past is unresolved despite it being resolved lol as I did make a decision and I respect myself enough to know I deserve better. I just go over the past and doubt myself which is what I need the help on.

Thanks.

You create your life, period. That is easy to understand. You are not vibrating (attracting) trust, love, and kindness (genuine, in your terms). You want that, you put that forward, as in a future goal, you see. And so this past relationship helped you to solidify those desires by the experience of the opposite. What you want and experience are often opposite, because your not clear on the inside yet. I use the term 'mirror' because you get to see what is in self, that prevents fulfillment of those desires. You can then make the judgements and appropriate internal changes to your beliefs. Next time, you are meant to do better, you understand.

Now, before I am jumped all over and assailed (martyred) by others coming to the 'rescue of a victim', let me 'try' and clarify. You understand I am an intuitive (medium) and so its often 'hard' to put to words and easy to misunderstand, words are frail and weak, but - you can feel me, which is strong and confidence building (in you, to build strength and 'trust' in self) -

You have unresolved (emotional) abandonment issues, as grandpa had to take up the 'slack' for dad, you understand. You must face the truth. That dad was emotionally unavailable (as a child you blame self for this), and this is the archetype for the type of man you attract - there will always be doubts, and 'evidence', that something cannot be trusted. This type of belief has many offshoots you see - guilt, blame, abandonment (mistrust). "will he leave me?". And more - Yes, I am saying you cannot hide your hurt psyche behind grandpas's love. That will always feel like a lie until you confront the father issues, and the accompanying feelings. The suppressed energies. At 10 this was compounded by his passing, which further solidified, from a childs perspective, the feelings of isolation. Part of you (your heart) shut down that year. And never reopened. That part of you opening is paramount to fulfillment. And with the one, 'soulmate' you must be ready to give self in totality. So thy 'spirit' soars. One cannot give 'half a heart' and so the spirit is tasked with opening that portion of self again. Enrichment follows.

You are (a product of) the 'type' of energy you send 'out', and thus you attract into your life from your (vibrational tone), which matches your beliefs and expectations. So naturally now, if you are attracting that which you do not desire, you must look into self, and your beliefs, and heal the old emotional wounds rather than pinpoint grandpa and say "he made it all better, and so its not me, its them (Ive got nothing to look at inside myself) !", this is simply not true. People in your life are nothing but a mirror, into your soul, how you feel about you. Sure they are independent from you, but they do match your vibrational tone, this you must understand. The words you speak are often in direct conflict with your energy. And that is the great human self lie, that their words are truth, and then bury their feelings. This is the main reason for many illnesses including anxiety. Feelings are true representations of your energy. 'Trust' how you feel, because they are generated by your beliefs (your truth). You cannot speak of happiness and how perfect it all was and is, and at the same time feel sick about (certain aspects of) your life and expect things to go well, you see.

The goal : is to stop playing the victim. Catch yourself in any sort of 'blame' mindset when that blame points the finger outside the self. "If I cannot blame him, who can I blame, ME? Oh boy, Im in trouble then !" Taking responsibility will empower you, not strip you of it - and of course accept fully the decisions you make. If you find you have made errors, do not feel guilt, which will tear you up inside, but just, simply...learn, and do not repeat. You learn through self reflection aided by the mirror of others, that is what this whole thing is about.

The relationship you ended, was simply the result of you tiring with what you saw. You wanted to see a different reflection, and so his purpose was to just walk around holding a mirror up for you to see yourself. In other cases (for example), the mirror would show you that you are overweight, or too rigid, or lack respect (self and or others). For example if you had self worth issues, you would be treated disrespectfully. That's what the mirror would show you. And in a way, with all the past girlfriend games you've described, that was disrespectful. And abusive. Now what is inside self, that attracts that behavior. Yes, it hurts, but it happens so you can ultimately learn worth, and feel, and live, the opposite.

More later - maybe - if I return. The message stands, and maybe the above will clarify, I will edit if possible, I am called elsewhere ATM. Remember I am speaking to you emotionally, on a much different level than you are used to - I am the truth inside you - Please reread with an 'open' mind so to speak, a mind that is different, and deeper, and more connected, if you will.

Maybe back - but truthfully I am not needed here any longer in your thread. You just need to reread before bedtime in a quiet, relaxed state. And sleep on it. The morning will bring in the light.

Now,

I have read back this post, and Im very happy with it. I will add one short response, since you need to know why he acted as he did. Your comment -

"He wouldn't treat others this way? (because I know he has)" Yes, he would, with small changes (or big) to match the vibration of that person. You see he is learning too. That is what relationships are about. Its not the duration, but what you can learn. And better self. You attracted him, and Ive gone into great detail how and why - Now, that hopefully you have both learned from the experience, you can create relationships more to your liking, and not so haphazardly. Even in some instances, to come back together at a later date.

Be well, and may the next relationship lead you to the 'one', who is in waiting. But you see, (by now), your vibrations must match up - so that's where the work is to be done. To align your vibration with that which you want, by getting rid of the beliefs that stop that.

You have also helped many other people with your post, future readers in the same position, and so this is how you change the world, from your small corner of it.

Now, I am finally done.

[Lilliebelle89]

Take your time with my posts, they are not ingested quickly (read slowly and take days if needed to fully grasp the messages, quite unexpected from a 'message board' you see. You do not go to therapy and say "hurry up !" I have no time to grasp any of this !", No, you go for often times years, until it 'clicks'. There is a good analogy. Well, I have given you years of (accurate) therapy in a day, here. So print this thread, and reread often.



You create your life, period. That is easy to understand. You are not vibrating (attracting) trust, love, and kindness (genuine, in your terms). You want that, you put that forward, as in a future goal, you see. And so this past relationship helped you to solidify those desires by the experience of the opposite. What you want and experience are often opposite, because your not clear on the inside yet. I use the term 'mirror' because you get to see what is in self, that prevents fulfillment of those desires. You can then make the judgements and appropriate internal changes to your beliefs. Next time, you are meant to do better, you understand.

Now, before I am jumped all over and assailed (martyred) by others coming to the 'rescue of a victim', let me 'try' and clarify. You understand I am an intuitive (medium) and so its often 'hard' to put to words and easy to misunderstand, words are frail and weak, but - you can feel me, which is strong and confidence building (in you, to build strength and 'trust' in self) -

You have unresolved (emotional) abandonment issues, as grandpa had to take up the 'slack' for dad, you understand. You must face the truth. That dad was emotionally unavailable (as a child you blame self for this), and this is the archetype for the type of man you attract - there will always be doubts, and 'evidence', that something cannot be trusted. This type of belief has many offshoots you see - guilt, blame, abandonment (mistrust). "will he leave me?". And more - Yes, I am saying you cannot hide your hurt psyche behind grandpas's love. That will always feel like a lie until you confront the father issues, and the accompanying feelings. The suppressed energies. At 10 this was compounded by his passing, which further solidified, from a childs perspective, the feelings of isolation. Part of you (your heart) shut down that year. And never reopened. That part of you opening is paramount to fulfillment. And with the one, 'soulmate' you must be ready to give self in totality. So thy 'spirit' soars. One cannot give 'half a heart' and so the spirit is tasked with opening that portion of self again. Enrichment follows.

You are (a product of) the 'type' of energy you send 'out', and thus you attract into your life from your (vibrational tone), which matches your beliefs and expectations. So naturally now, if you are attracting that which you do not desire, you must look into self, and your beliefs, and heal the old emotional wounds rather than pinpoint grandpa and say "he made it all better, and so its not me, its them (Ive got nothing to look at inside myself) !", this is simply not true. People in your life are nothing but a mirror, into your soul, how you feel about you. Sure they are independent from you, but they do match your vibrational tone, this you must understand. The words you speak are often in direct conflict with your energy. And that is the great human self lie, that their words are truth, and then bury their feelings. This is the main reason for many illnesses including anxiety. Feelings are true representations of your energy. 'Trust' how you feel, because they are generated by your beliefs (your truth). You cannot speak of happiness and how perfect it all was and is, and at the same time feel sick about (certain aspects of) your life and expect things to go well, you see.

The goal : is to stop playing the victim. Catch yourself in any sort of 'blame' mindset when that blame points the finger outside the self. "If I cannot blame him, who can I blame, ME? Oh boy, Im in trouble then !" Taking responsibility will empower you, not strip you of it - and of course accept fully the decisions you make. If you find you have made errors, do not feel guilt, which will tear you up inside, but just, simply...learn, and do not repeat. You learn through self reflection aided by the mirror of others, that is what this whole thing is about.

The relationship you ended, was simply the result of you tiring with what you saw. You wanted to see a different reflection, and so his purpose was to just walk around holding a mirror up for you to see yourself. In other cases (for example), the mirror would show you that you are overweight, or too rigid, or lack respect (self and or others). For example if you had self worth issues, you would be treated disrespectfully. That's what the mirror would show you. And in a way, with all the past girlfriend games you've described, that was disrespectful. And abusive. Now what is inside self, that attracts that behavior. Yes, it hurts, but it happens so you can ultimately learn worth, and feel, and live, the opposite.

More later - maybe - if I return. The message stands, and maybe the above will clarify, I will edit if possible, I am called elsewhere ATM. Remember I am speaking to you emotionally, on a much different level than you are used to - I am the truth inside you - Please reread with an 'open' mind so to speak, a mind that is different, and deeper, and more connected, if you will.

Maybe back - but truthfully I am not needed here any longer in your thread. You just need to reread before bedtime in a quiet, relaxed state. And sleep on it. The morning will bring in the light.

Now,

I have read back this post, and Im very happy with it. I will add one short response, since you need to know why he acted as he did. Your comment -

"He wouldn't treat others this way? (because I know he has)" Yes, he would, with small changes (or big) to match the vibration of that person. You see he is learning too. That is what relationships are about. Its not the duration, but what you can learn. And better self. You attracted him, and Ive gone into great detail how and why - Now, that hopefully you have both learned from the experience, you can create relationships more to your liking, and not so haphazardly. Even in some instances, to come back together at a later date.

Be well, and may the next relationship lead you to the 'one', who is in waiting. But you see, (by now), your vibrations must match up - so that's where the work is to be done. To align your vibration with that which you want, by getting rid of the beliefs that stop that.

You have also helped many other people with your post, future readers in the same position, and so this is how you change the world, from your small corner of it.

Now, I am finally done.


Thank you for explaining. I am going to re read this when I have more time to really take it in but I think I understand it now. You are saying that if I don't believe in myself and trust myself and my decisions then I will attract others who will take advantage of this and reflect back to me the person I feel inside. So they will be untrustworthy etc because that is my fear and issues deep down. I am glad you said that he isn't completely to blame because I have realised that I want him to be 100% to blame so that I can feel guilt free and move on. But I get that life is more complex than that and everyone has their own issues and we were both in this relationship to learn from it so that when we do meet the right person we know what we want from someone. He wasn't perfect and neither was I. I didn't play mind games with him etc but I allowed someone in who wasn't very healthy for me whereas I guess once I am fully confident in who I am I wouldn't doubt my gut reaction and would have left him from the beginning. So my issues made me cling onto someone unhealthy for me and his issues made him cling onto me. We were both attracted to eachother for that reason. He was abusive and I allowed it.

I think I need to stop looking for someone to complete me and to complete myself. That way I won't have as many trust issues when I meet someone new and they therefore won't see me as vulnerable and that will attract the right Type of man because the abusive type want a vulnerable woman. They don't want a strong woman. I did think I was strong when I finally ended the relationship and walked away. But when I have these doubts about my decision that's what I need to work on because I need to trust myself and know that I deserve better and then I will attract better ?

Anyway I think that's what you was trying to say but it's very complicated to understand lol. I appreciate you taking your time to try and help me. I just hate my self doubt because deep down I know he wasn't treating me right but I kept finding excuses or blaming myself. I will get there in the end! Just wish a year and a half later I didn't still get these doubts wondering if I was too harsh even though I know he was untrustworthy and sly. I wish I could just think he was no good and forget it rather than doubt every decision and feeling I had! My feelings were my truth and I acted on them and these doubts are just my unresolved issues from when I was younger.

I hope I have understood :-)

[Lilliebelle89]

Sorry one last thing. Can I just ask you please when you said 'trust how you feel because this is generated by your beliefs (your truth)
This is the hardest thing for me and why I do doubt myself. Because you see, I think what if how I feel is wrong? What if how I feel is my insecurities from my 'daddy issues' which makes me react a certain way such as end a relationship but another person who is more secure than me might not have ended the relationship and I could have been happy now. I KNOW that this is silly because my gut often told me to get away, he couldn't be trusted, he was lying to me (every time I was right!) yet I still doubt my 'truth' if that makes sense.

I am going to try to ignore my obsessive thoughts and just make decisions and react on my gut feelings, my instant feelings as you are right they are my truth (but, there is always a but with me) what if how I feel is just a reflection of my childhood issues which I am acting on and so it's my issues making me push people away?

Sorry if that doesn't make sense but I totally feel like I get what you are saying and I really thank you as I can read your post now and remind myself of how to think and deal with things. I don't trust my own feelings very much as I'm insecure but I am going to work on that

Thank you I do really appreciate it :-)

[Im-Suffering]

Sorry one last thing. Can I just ask you please when you said 'trust how you feel because this is generated by your beliefs (your truth)

This is the hardest thing for me and why I do doubt myself.

'Doubting yourself' is a belief, and so the belief comes before the doubt, and creates it.

Your beliefs are your truth, they are your ideas - about reality and who you are. The belief generates the proper emotion which in turn you try and describe as a word or group of words. If the emotion feels badly, it is automatically a false belief. Because the purpose, the learning, is to get your beliefs to a place of pleasure. Where you feel good. When you have a belief 'I am lovable' it makes you feel good, thus leave it alone, you are happy with it. But on the other hand 'I am bad' you would want to examine and get rid of, it would generate bad feelings.

And so your feelings are to be trusted in the sense that they generate from a belief. In that context the belief becomes open for judgment and examination to the conscious mind, to choose to keep or throw away.

The words however are the end of the chain, and thus the least reliable form of inner and physical communication. Just like the old game of 'telephone' by the time the belief begins to translate into words or thoughts, there is some distortion. You have seen people say 'I feel great!' and the next moment they are in the ambulance or suicide. The words were a lie, but their feelings were the truth.

And so here is the dichotomy. Beliefs can be false ideas, yet the lie is your truth.

You are doing very good. Yes you will indeed 'get there'. Your understanding will grow deeper over time and with contemplation and examination. Not with the goal of brooding as you have done, but releasing the energies. Which there are many methods, picturing the beliefs as a balloon popping or floating away, picturing the little girl inside feeling and talking over her worries with you - the adult for a new perspective. Rearranging furniture in a new house. All symbolic. And all using the imagination. CBT is a more clinical approach, however whatever works best for you.

What is important in any method is to feel the emotions of the belief. The emotions are highly charged and attached to them. And so simple clinical theory or intellectualizing will not reach them. You'll end up just playing around with thoughts. By feeling the belief, it will eventually peak, perhaps the child will be crying or terrified (any strong emotion), and at that point, begin to replace it. If you have indeed succeeded, you will feel good. And the old triggers wont raise any emotions. The emotions will have disappated. If you still feel badly, you must go back into them to search for remnant feelings or perhaps another belief that was bridged to the one you just released.

This may seem complicated, but rest assured often times when a belief is changed, it has a blanket effect, across the board, so to speak, and the associated beliefs change with it.

The lesson is to literally wind up feeling the opposite. That is how you learn to create and think aright.

Yes it takes work.

Take care.