Anxiety / Depression / Life

[Penguin]

Hi everyone, it's been a while since i've posted.... I can't remember my password on my other account, Pumpkin, so I guess i'll just talk here since I like this name better anyway.

I'm just going to jump right into it. For the past few months i've been extremely anti-social. I have had no interest in going out with real life friends. The idea of getting ready and having to talk to people and make conversation does not appeal to me. I am feeling very terrible about myself (really self conscious and negative about myself) and I would much rather just be alone. I have some cool internet friends that i've became very close with and they are really the only people I want to converse with. I feel like I am slowly drifting from my friends and family but I just feel better when I am alone.... It's so much easier for me.

School...... I dropped out of college in January. I was in my second semester of nursing and there were some complications in my program. No big deal though because I am currently planning to resume semester 2 in September and take a few courses before that in the summer so that I can fast track and reduce my course load. With that said, I don't even know if I want to do nursing anymore. I'm so afraid of the liability issue with nurses and all of the responsibility that comes with it. I want to be a nurse, but i'm terrified at the same time. I have really bad anxiety and I definitely have some OCD... I'm scared that going into nursing will set myself up for failure.

I feel like I need some more time off of school to just work and do my own thing, but I have feel so much pressure from my mom and stepdad and my friends. They all make me feel like I NEED to be in school right now and that i'm wasting my time. I'm 19 years old... I feel really young but everyone else around me is currently in post-secondary education so I just feel like a huge failure. I feel like a lot of the reason why I don't want to take nursing is because of the practical assessments..... I get so anxious before presenting infront of instructors that it causes me a huge deal of distress and anxiety.

Right now I am working part-time at a retail job. I get like 10 hours a week. On my spare time I play xbox and talk in an online chat room. I am happy right now because i'm not in school but I know it can't be this way forever. I either need to get over my anxiety and fears about nursing or find a new program, but with that said everyone around me makes me feel like the clock is ticking and I need to do something with my life. I am caught up in laziness and depression. I don't want to do anything because I feel so crappy but doing nothing makes me feel even more crappy. I don't know what to do. I mask my feelings by drinking alcohol although I know this is not good. I think about suicide often but I've never made a plan or acted on it. The thought of death is comforting... knowing that there is always a way out.

Thank you to whoever read this long rant. I'm open to any advice you might have. I appreciate it!!!!! :D

Side note: I am a 19 year old female.... I do not see a psychologist/psychiatrist and I do not taking any meds.

[gypsylee]

Hi Penguin :)

Well my anxiety really reared its ugly head at 19 -- I had to defer from university because I was basically in a constant panic. I ended up going back and finishing the degree but I wish I had've used the anxiety as a sign that I should do something else. I did Business (Marketing) and it's a competitive degree and an even more competitive industry, which totally didn't suit my personality.

So if you were my 19yo self I would say: "Use this time to really think about what kind of person you are and what you would like to do". Of course at 19 it's hard to know these things but you can turn the anxiety/depression into a bit of an opportunity to learn and grow. I would do my best to ignore everyone who is pressuring you to get on with it.. Easier said than done I know, but really 19 is very young.

I would also say to my 19yo self: "alcohol is pretty much the worst thing you can do for yourself right now" :) I didn't learn that until I was late 30s and had been hospitalised twice with alcohol-induced Pancreatitis. It seriously makes anxiety and depression a million times worse, apart from a couple of hours of feeling better.

That's all for now. I'm sure you'll get some helpful replies here from others.

Take care of yourself,
Gypsy x

[Penguin]

Hi Penguin :)

Well my anxiety really reared its ugly head at 19 -- I had to defer from university because I was basically in a constant panic. I ended up going back and finishing the degree but I wish I had've used the anxiety as a sign that I should do something else. I did Business (Marketing) and it's a competitive degree and an even more competitive industry, which totally didn't suit my personality.

So if you were my 19yo self I would say: "Use this time to really think about what kind of person you are and what you would like to do". Of course at 19 it's hard to know these things but you can turn the anxiety/depression into a bit of an opportunity to learn and grow. I would do my best to ignore everyone who is pressuring you to get on with it.. Easier said than done I know, but really 19 is very young.

I would also say to my 19yo self: "alcohol is pretty much the worst thing you can do for yourself right now" :) I didn't learn that until I was late 30s and had been hospitalised twice with alcohol-induced Pancreatitis. It seriously makes anxiety and depression a million times worse, apart from a couple of hours of feeling better.

That's all for now. I'm sure you'll get some helpful replies here from others.

Take care of yourself,
Gypsy x

Thank you so much for your reply, Gypsy!

I do agree, 19 years old just seems far too young to be making these huge life decisions. All of my friends are in their programs and working towards their career and I sometimes don't know how they do it! I feel like a lot of them will realize in the next few years that they are getting into a career that they do not fit, but I guess that is for them to find out.

I think i'm going to talk to my mom and stepdad about changing programs because as much as I want to be a nurse, I don't think it is right for me.. not right now anyway! I just wish they would be more understanding and stop comparing me to my 3 older sisters who went to school right from highschool and jumped into their post-secondary education.

I don't think taking a bit of extra time off would be a bad thing afterall because I could just work as much as I can and save up money.

There is definitely a lot on my mind and I shouldn't be as stressed as I am at 19. I hope things get better and just fall into place. I don't drink too much but it definitely is something that makes me feel better, which is a scary thought. I am responsible though in terms of not drinking when I work the next day or if I have something important to attend.

Once again, I really appreciate your reply Gypsy! Thank you so much :D

[gypsylee]

Thank you so much for your reply, Gypsy!

I do agree, 19 years old just seems far too young to be making these huge life decisions. All of my friends are in their programs and working towards their career and I sometimes don't know how they do it! I feel like a lot of them will realize in the next few years that they are getting into a career that they do not fit, but I guess that is for them to find out.

I think i'm going to talk to my mom and stepdad about changing programs because as much as I want to be a nurse, I don't think it is right for me.. not right now anyway! I just wish they would be more understanding and stop comparing me to my 3 older sisters who went to school right from highschool and jumped into their post-secondary education.

I don't think taking a bit of extra time off would be a bad thing afterall because I could just work as much as I can and save up money.

There is definitely a lot on my mind and I shouldn't be as stressed as I am at 19. I hope things get better and just fall into place. I don't drink too much but it definitely is something that makes me feel better, which is a scary thought. I am responsible though in terms of not drinking when I work the next day or if I have something important to attend.

Once again, I really appreciate your reply Gypsy! Thank you so much :D

You're welcome :)

Well my mum's in hospital right now (nothing serious) and I don't know if I'd want to be a nurse lol. I actually got into a nursing degree myself a while ago but things went awry with my daughter so I couldn't do it. It's a good thing to do because there are lots of options but they work so hard for not much pay.

Anyway I think working and saving some money is a good idea. I wish I had've travelled more..

Ok gotta go! Glad to be of some help :)