Nee some help and support with anxiety

[Marie 'rie' Rigby]

I'm sorry if I've posted in the wrong place first of all, I'm new here. I'm 24 years old and my anxiety started when my Dad suddenly died from a blood clot. He was 47. He also suffered from panic attacks.The first night me and my Mom went home after staying with my Sister I had what I now know as a panic attack. Couldn't breathe, shaky and begged Mom to call an ambulance. Thankfully she didn't, she just calmed me down a bit. It never happened again until I was 17. Now I have the most wonderful BF who works 3/4 12 hour nightshifts and I'm a mess at home, everyday. I work part time, from home 2 hours per day. I even had a panic attack during work, whilst talking to someone! I remember NYE, after taking new anti-depressants, my Sister drove us all home and I kept touching my boyfriend like I need to get out of this car over and over and over and he's like what, you can't Felt like forever (5 seconds) until I got out and collapsed on the floor, feeling very very very scared and dazed, like it wasn't me at all. I had 3 heart palpitations in the car and my face suddenly went really hot and cold from the neck up. I genuinely thought I was dying. No-one has ever seen my anxiety like that, not even my boyfriend of 8 years, hence how I knew I was REALLY bad. He said I looked absolutely terrified, like fear etched on my face. We got home and I was crying and wouldn't move and walk upstairs to lie down in case my heart started racing or stopped...It's like this everyday pretty much. My heart will randomly speed up and then I panic for hours and check my heart rate. Even writing this, my heart rate is up and I'm terrified. I feel trapped. I'm crying because I'm just drained, physically and emotionally. Anxiety is especially bad after meals so I stopped eating last year. I lost 4 stone in weight within a year, 2 stone from not eating much. The rest was put down to stress and depression. I stopped those anti-depressants as my anxiety was much much worse at first, which can happen but I couldn't deal with it, especially at home all alone. I can't stay with family/friends as I don't feel 'safe' (in myself) with them. Only my boyfriend I feel ok with. I actually rang for an ambulance last week...How stupid. Heart suddenly pounding an shaking within seconds. I couldn't even walk. I was sobbing and explained I had anxiety and I thought that's what it could be and she was amazing. She said someone would have to see me, because of my heart rate. A nurse rung back and asked for my heart rate and eventually it'd settled so no need to see anyone. It's a living hell. honestly can't find the words. I've cried everyday now the last 3 days as I just can't take it anymore. It's more health anxiety (Hypochondria) As soon as my heart rate speeds up that's it, I cannot control myself. I can't even exercise for fear of this. I've tried rocking which sometimes helps, pacing to stop me 'feeling' it racing, everything. They have a depression & anxiety service for Cognitive behavioural therapy. I referred myself and kept cancelling the day before or a few hours before. I couldn't leave the house, I was so anxious I'd die outside rather than at home. 7 appointments I cancelled and was told to 'come back when you feel ready to keep appointments' Fantastic help. I'm going to go on Citalopram again soon, had them years ago but I know it'll take me weeks to pluck up the courage to take them, with my boyfriend here, then when he has to work I won't take them in case I'm alone and die alone. I keep imagining him dying and being alone then killing myself because he's not here. Then imagine ME dying and HIM being alone and killing himself! I listen to some songs and I get anxious because they mention death or something ridiculously silly that means nothing to most people.This is absolutely mental, I feel crazy. I'm 24 years old. I should be having a life. Instead I'm depressed, anxious, have a few types of OCD and a personality disorder. The OCD intrusive thoughts, wow. They've come back recently after years, maybe 4 months ago and I can't even tell anyone. I feel guilty for things I think and haven't done and I'm paranoid people know what I think etc, I know, it's crazy, right? I don't see why my boyfriend's still here. He said he's not sure how to deal with this as I've been this way for years, it's very very difficult for him to work so many hours with so little sleep and have me be a burden. Where do I go? What do I do from here? I've tried meds, the only non addictive ones and they don't work and I'm not allowed benzos due to possible addiction. Please, does anyone feel like this? I can't take it anymore, I really really can't. I've just but given up hope.... I'm sick of people saying you 'just do it' What, HOW?! I'm paralysed with fear all the time. At least 10 times per day I'm worrying about my health, panic, death, eventually we all die etc and I can't handle it. Literally in sobs.

[Xerosnake90]

Your fear overwhelms you. You need to start small. Each day, compile a list of activities you can find joy in and that you know you'll have the strength to do. Simple tasks, it really doesn't matter. The goal is to keep doing these things you enjoy without fear of not doing them. As time passes you add activities that normally make you nervous. Having done the tasks previously without fear. This is your new mindset.

As time goes by you need to learn to focus on your activities. Not the mundane ideas in your head which serve you no purpose. These irrational fears and all. You can't just stop the thoughts. Your brain is used to them. Instead you ask, why do I think this way and what can I do to fix these thoughts. Perhaps you remind yourself not to have such thoughts. Your brain will listen. After a week or two you will start to get used to not having such thoughts. Keep with it and make it a habit after a month.

Changing yourself takes time. Especially with how entrenched you are. You need to tell yourself it is anxiety, don't let yourself get uncomfortable or irritable. That leads to more racing thoughts.

And lastly, you must have the mindset that you'll get better. If you don't believe that you can and will, then you won't.

Keep us updated ;)

[Marie 'rie' Rigby]

Your fear overwhelms you. You need to start small. Each day, compile a list of activities you can find joy in and that you know you'll have the strength to do. Simple tasks, it really doesn't matter. The goal is to keep doing these things you enjoy without fear of not doing them. As time passes you add activities that normally make you nervous. Having done the tasks previously without fear. This is your new mindset.

As time goes by you need to learn to focus on your activities. Not the mundane ideas in your head which serve you no purpose. These irrational fears and all. You can't just stop the thoughts. Your brain is used to them. Instead you ask, why do I think this way and what can I do to fix these thoughts. Perhaps you remind yourself not to have such thoughts. Your brain will listen. After a week or two you will start to get used to not having such thoughts. Keep with it and make it a habit after a month.

Changing yourself takes time. Especially with how entrenched you are. You need to tell yourself it is anxiety, don't let yourself get uncomfortable or irritable. That leads to more racing thoughts.

And lastly, you must have the mindset that you'll get better. If you don't believe that you can and will, then you won't.

Keep us updated ;)

Thank you so so much! Just ONE reply has really brightened my day! This is what I want/need to do. It's literally killing me (us) I want to start with the most simple things, like hoovering or dusting, anything! Actually getting dressed. Then maybe doing my hair etc. I really can't thank you enough. Hope you're having a good day :)

[jessed03]

Hey Marie,

That's my cousins name. I always call her "rie" too. She's 19 now, but I still call her Little Rie.

In the Anxiety and Phobia Workbook (which is a pretty good book if you're looking for reading material) it lists the life events that are the most stressful. Naturally, death is right up at the top.

Just reading your post, I can tell instantly you're in the thick of things. That's a hard place to be. Emotions run wild and life is just HARD. I remember being there myself. I like what Xerosnake said about creating a new mindset. He's right about it taking time, which is why for the sake of your morale, you should at least say that right here, right now, you're going to begin to climb out of the hole you're in. Doesn't matter how long it takes, you're at least going to start that climb today.

And to make that change real, you should add one little activity to your daily routine, and we'll go from there. That activity is relaxation! It won't cure you, it won't perform miracles, but if you start doing just 10 minutes of it daily, today, you'll knock a few per cent off your overall feeling of malaise, and give yourself a symbolic victory.

A great relaxation activity is progressive muscle relaxation. Googling it will give you a whole lot of info to work with.

Untangling your thoughts, overcoming your fears and becoming enlightened about the process of anxiety will take some time, but relaxation you can do today.

Give yourself a platform to build upon.

Best. :)

[Marie 'rie' Rigby]

Hey Marie,

That's my cousins name. I always call her "rie" too. She's 19 now, but I still call her Little Rie.

In the Anxiety and Phobia Workbook (which is a pretty good book if you're looking for reading material) it lists the life events that are the most stressful. Naturally, death is right up at the top.

Just reading your post, I can tell instantly you're in the thick of things. That's a hard place to be. Emotions run wild and life is just HARD. I remember being there myself. I like what Xerosnake said about creating a new mindset. He's right about it taking time, which is why for the sake of your morale, you should at least say that right here, right now, you're going to begin to climb out of the hole you're in. Doesn't matter how long it takes, you're at least going to start that climb today.

And to make that change real, you should add one little activity to your daily routine, and we'll go from there. That activity is relaxation! It won't cure you, it won't perform miracles, but if you start doing just 10 minutes of it daily, today, you'll knock a few per cent off your overall feeling of malaise, and give yourself a symbolic victory.

A great relaxation activity is progressive muscle relaxation. Googling it will give you a whole lot of info to work with.

Untangling your thoughts, overcoming your fears and becoming enlightened about the process of anxiety will take some time, but relaxation you can do today.

Give yourself a platform to build upon.

Best. :)

Thanks for the reply. Yeah, it's always stuck the name 'Rie' I signed up with Facebook as I was too anxious lol so wanted to register and post ASAP! I've spoken to my doctor. He's prescribed 20mg Citalopram again and Hydroxyzine Hydrochloride. My Boyfriend came in at 6.45am and when I woke up, I started crying again because he'll go to sleep at 8am, get up at 2.30-3pm, sorts his things for work and leaves for the train at 4.30. Then I work 6-8pm. I find it difficult being alone so much and I'm not helping myself by not going out, it's just I feel I CAN'T at the moment :( I'm definitely going to have to do something. I'm finding today I'm just watching tv, I've had some cereal and a spoon of peanut butter as I hadn't eaten in 2 days :/ Then I'll watch some TV, upbeat and have a bath, make sure he's got food and stuff for work, work at 6 and try to just relax with video games or something. I know it doesn't seem much and seems quite 'lazy' but it's one step better than sobbing and crying anxiously all day!

I'll have a Google about that stuff, thank you. Hope you're ok.

Marie

[alex42]

I'm sorry if I've posted in the wrong place first of all, I'm new here. I'm 24 years old and my anxiety started when my Dad suddenly died from a blood clot. He was 47. He also suffered from panic attacks.The first night me and my Mom went home after staying with my Sister I had what I now know as a panic attack. Couldn't breathe, shaky and begged Mom to call an ambulance. Thankfully she didn't, she just calmed me down a bit. It never happened again until I was 17. Now I have the most wonderful BF who works 3/4 12 hour nightshifts and I'm a mess at home, everyday. I work part time, from home 2 hours per day. I even had a panic attack during work, whilst talking to someone! I remember NYE, after taking new anti-depressants, my Sister drove us all home and I kept touching my boyfriend like I need to get out of this car over and over and over and he's like what, you can't Felt like forever (5 seconds) until I got out and collapsed on the floor, feeling very very very scared and dazed, like it wasn't me at all. I had 3 heart palpitations in the car and my face suddenly went really hot and cold from the neck up. I genuinely thought I was dying. No-one has ever seen my anxiety like that, not even my boyfriend of 8 years, hence how I knew I was REALLY bad. He said I looked absolutely terrified, like fear etched on my face. We got home and I was crying and wouldn't move and walk upstairs to lie down in case my heart started racing or stopped...It's like this everyday pretty much. My heart will randomly speed up and then I panic for hours and check my heart rate. Even writing this, my heart rate is up and I'm terrified. I feel trapped. I'm crying because I'm just drained, physically and emotionally. Anxiety is especially bad after meals so I stopped eating last year. I lost 4 stone in weight within a year, 2 stone from not eating much. The rest was put down to stress and depression. I stopped those anti-depressants as my anxiety was much much worse at first, which can happen but I couldn't deal with it, especially at home all alone. I can't stay with family/friends as I don't feel 'safe' (in myself) with them. Only my boyfriend I feel ok with. I actually rang for an ambulance last week...How stupid. Heart suddenly pounding an shaking within seconds. I couldn't even walk. I was sobbing and explained I had anxiety and I thought that's what it could be and she was amazing. She said someone would have to see me, because of my heart rate. A nurse rung back and asked for my heart rate and eventually it'd settled so no need to see anyone. It's a living hell. honestly can't find the words. I've cried everyday now the last 3 days as I just can't take it anymore. It's more health anxiety (Hypochondria) As soon as my heart rate speeds up that's it, I cannot control myself. I can't even exercise for fear of this. I've tried rocking which sometimes helps, pacing to stop me 'feeling' it racing, everything. They have a depression & anxiety service for Cognitive behavioural therapy. I referred myself and kept cancelling the day before or a few hours before. I couldn't leave the house, I was so anxious I'd die outside rather than at home. 7 appointments I cancelled and was told to 'come back when you feel ready to keep appointments' Fantastic help. I'm going to go on Citalopram again soon, had them years ago but I know it'll take me weeks to pluck up the courage to take them, with my boyfriend here, then when he has to work I won't take them in case I'm alone and die alone. I keep imagining him dying and being alone then killing myself because he's not here. Then imagine ME dying and HIM being alone and killing himself! I listen to some songs and I get anxious because they mention death or something ridiculously silly that means nothing to most people.This is absolutely mental, I feel crazy. I'm 24 years old. I should be having a life. Instead I'm depressed, anxious, have a few types of OCD and a personality disorder. The OCD intrusive thoughts, wow. They've come back recently after years, maybe 4 months ago and I can't even tell anyone. I feel guilty for things I think and haven't done and I'm paranoid people know what I think etc, I know, it's crazy, right? I don't see why my boyfriend's still here. He said he's not sure how to deal with this as I've been this way for years, it's very very difficult for him to work so many hours with so little sleep and have me be a burden. Where do I go? What do I do from here? I've tried meds, the only non addictive ones and they don't work and I'm not allowed benzos due to possible addiction. Please, does anyone feel like this? I can't take it anymore, I really really can't. I've just but given up hope.... I'm sick of people saying you 'just do it' What, HOW?! I'm paralysed with fear all the time. At least 10 times per day I'm worrying about my health, panic, death, eventually we all die etc and I can't handle it. Literally in sobs.

Wow... I can relate to this "fear". I understand the "trapped" feeling... Within yourself.
I had panic disorder since as far back as I can remember. I am 42 now.
Here's the deal: it's fake. It's not real. It can't hurt you. It's uncomfortable, consuming, a nightmare, etc.... But it can't hurt you. That is the truth.
I am sorry for the loss of your father... My mother passed at a young age also. BUT, panic attacks didn't kill you're Dad... A blood clot did.
I would recommend talking to a therapist and/or a psychiatrist to get to the root of your fear. I believe that is necessary. For anyone putting themselves through hell.

You'll be OK.
Remember that.