Some of MY STORY

[RockerChick]

I've lurked this place a few times before when I have been feeling down I guess it's intresting reading other people's experiences. Today I randomly decided hey, I'm gonna go join that forum. So here I am.

Heres what I kinda wanna say...

So I don't know anyone else in my life that also suffers from Anxiety or depression (maybe they do but Im unaware of it). That's part of the reason I'm here. I'm 27 and iv had Anxiety since I was a kid, depression kicked in when I was about 12. Iv been through a lot of tough times in my life and Iv always tried to search for reasons of why I'm like this. Does it stem from something from my childhood? Was it the way I was raised? Those questions I battle with in my head daily.

When I was a kid I had no friends I was so shy I remember as a 7yr old locking myself in a toilet cubicle every lunch period and I would just cry. I was afraid of everyone I literally would run away if anyone approached me. I have a fear of water so I never learnt how to swim and every day I would wake up and initially dread swim period. All day I couldn't focus on school work coz my mind was racing and petrified of the soon approaching swim period. When the time came we would all walk to the pool, I could smell the chlorine from a mile away...my heart beating faster. Of course I'm not going to swim, yes I have my swimming gear but that only because my mum packs it she doesn't know about my fear. I would wet it at the end of the day under a fountain so she would think I went swimming. Either I would "disappear" on the way to the pool and hide somewhere for the majority of the lesson or I would say I was sick or had been sick therefore I can't swim. Another good excuse was that I had an ear infection or just the plain old "I forgot my swimming gear" Sitting on the bench and watching ALL the other kids swim weirded me out. I always thought to myself "Why me".

I had a lot of other experiences as a kid a lot of them I have blocked out. I remember getting blamed for a lot, my father disappearing, my mother always being stressed out, being an outcast in school and I had night terror which put me under a lot of emotional stress.

High school wasn't much of a difference I had a few friends here and there but I would usually just stay away from people. I HATED being in class and I never had good grades. I was always worried the teacher was gonna call on me so I focused most of the lesson on not bringing any kind of attention to myself to avoid having some kind of panic attack if that were to happen. I started self harming when I was 18.. I would never cut my wrists it was always places where I knew people would never see like my thighs or my arms (that I could cover). I didn't do it very often. The last time I did it was about a month ago. I was driving home from work at 11pm I saw a truck parked on the side of the road with flashing lights and I sign that said "drive slow" so I attempted to pass it SLOWELY then all of a sudden the truck started to almost drive into me trying to block me from passing and yeah almost hitting me. The guy in the truck screamed out "what are you trying to get yourself killed you stupid fucking bitch" That scared the hell out of me. I ended up reversing and and driving another way home. I noticed when I was driving off the truck had a house movers company on it. I was so angry as soon as I got home I tried to search the company on Google but I couldn't find anything. I was so upset and angry I needed an escape so I cut myself. That's the only thing that's ever worked for me in the past. The pain numbs the pain and allows me to forget for even just a second. If I had the companies number I would have called them and told them what this man had lead me to do that's just how upset I get.

These days things are just difficult. I work in a grocery store, I have done for the last 6 years. I'm actually really bubbly and happy with customers. People always say to me "wow your really happy". I think when I'm at work it's an escape from myself and I can be someone different if I want. I don't have ANY friends and I live by myself. Anxiety and depression has eaten me up and Iv never told anyone. I get anxious around some particular co workers usually its for no reason or I feel like they are staring at me waiting for me to act awkward usually I go all red in the face and they always pick me up on it. It's just unnessary and embarrassing. I do my best to avoid those particular people during the day but it ends up taking over me and it's all I can think about and ends up becoming a daily challenge to avoid these co workers.

My mum constantly bugs me about getting a boyfriend/getting married/having babies. Iv had the odd bf here and there but no relationship last for more than 3weeks if that. I have many customers hit on me, always asking for my phone number or asking if I want to go get coffee sometime. It's uncomfortable arghh. I get so tired of my family asking about my personal life, in a way I feel shame and embarrassment and the easiest way to deal with it is block them out and that's what I do. I haven't spoken to one of my siblings in a few years because they made jokes about how I was alone and that I needed to grow up. I feel tired a lot, I go to work come home and I just feel dead and empty. This has been ongoing for years.

The one thing in life that has saved me is music. My life revolves around music and concerts. I'm seeing Foo Fighters later tonight and knowing that I'm seeing them has kept me going the past few months. It's the best feeling in the world!

Iv only explained a few situations some of them feel to personal to talk about. Uhhh I'm so sorry I went on for a while I really didn't mean to but it just came out haha. I don't mind if you skim basically I just want to say Hi and I really would love to talk to people here that share similar situations too me. Also, I like reading the posts here... Intresting.

[Im-Suffering]

You are only alive to heal every false belief you've ever held about who you are. This includes many sojourns. Every thought, feeling, that doesn't feel good is a false belief you hold about the self and the self's place in reality, and is only there to expose and get rid of. You are not meant to feel badly, and live with it, no exceptions, period. Relationships are your window into your soul, showing you the errors in your thinking, that is the purpose of relationships, only. And so the schoolmates all the way up to the truck driver are your ally on this journey, because they expose what's inside you, that needs healing. Its never about them, and again, for anyone reading this, no exceptions.

Note: I use ally as a verb - "combine or unite a resource or commodity with (another) for mutual benefit"


I've lurked this place a few times before when I have been feeling down I guess it's intresting reading other people's experiences. Today I randomly decided hey, I'm gonna go join that forum. So here I am.

Here you are. Synchronicity, and in this case, for you, serendipity. I truly thought you'd never show.

I want you to click on my nickname, then "view forum posts". Begin to read peoples questions or concerns and my answers. (Like reading a book, but go backward in time. They are not your average forum responses. Stay with the ones that speak to you, and reread them many times).

I am not going to respond here, even though I feel it, (long post), because reading my responses to others will help you to understand who you are and start the healing process.

That's assuming you want it.

Are you sick and tired of being sick and tired?

Spend your nights before bed, while relaxed, reading. Open your mind. Expect intuitive knowledge to surface, expect a deeper understanding of the self, expect to rise in the morning with explanations and guidance. Expect dreams filled with hope and fulfillment.

Let music be the opening act. Let it stir you until you shiver, those goosebumps are your soul, experiencing joy. So preface nightly reading with a ready-soul, you understand. Listen to specific songs that move you.

Now, by stirring your emotions, and delving into some personal work:

Expect also to be shown the errors of your ways (both consciously and in dreams, also hunches. Earlier in life, the so called 'night terrors' were to be explored and exposed rather than shy away from. But you were too young/undeveloped). They will be masked in fear, doubt, worry and self-criticism. Now, do not turn from them, cut the body, or hide in shame, but face the fears that show, and ask for their meaning. That has always been their purpose. The reoccurance over the past years was only to get you to notice, and begin the work you intended (soul work), or, your 'sole' work. By running, you force them to chase you, yes even in the form of a truck driver.

Pay attention especially to related topics I discuss:

Beliefs
Empowerment
Shame
Blame
Victimhood
Guilt
Suppression
Avoidance
Split personalities
Personal responsibility
The mirror
Despondancy (depression)
Self hate (frustration/harm)

I do hope you take the time. You've spent 25 years running, the other 2 you couldn't walk.

You may contact me via PM with questions as you go along.

Love and - all-ways, light.

[gypsylee]

Hi and welcome to the forum :)

[ALoneAndEmpty]

hello! thanks for sharing your story. and welcome aboard too!

[gypsylee]

Im-Suffering - I saw your post via email and now it's deleted? (As in the one that quoted me and asked "what causes anxiety?")

:)

Oops sorry I think it was on a different thread. Just ignore me!

[RockerChick]

You are only alive to heal every false belief you've ever held about who you are. This includes many sojourns. Every thought, feeling, that doesn't feel good is a false belief you hold about the self and the self's place in reality, and is only there to expose and get rid of. You are not meant to feel badly, and live with it, no exceptions, period. Relationships are your window into your soul, showing you the errors in your thinking, that is the purpose of relationships, only. And so the schoolmates all the way up to the truck driver are your ally on this journey, because they expose what's inside you, that needs healing. Its never about them, and again, for anyone reading this, no exceptions.

Note: I use ally as a verb - "combine or unite a resource or commodity with (another) for mutual benefit"



Here you are. Synchronicity, and in this case, for you, serendipity. I truly thought you'd never show.

I want you to click on my nickname, then "view forum posts". Begin to read peoples questions or concerns and my answers. (Like reading a book, but go backward in time. They are not your average forum responses. Stay with the ones that speak to you, and reread them many times).

I am not going to respond here, even though I feel it, (long post), because reading my responses to others will help you to understand who you are and start the healing process.

That's assuming you want it.

Are you sick and tired of being sick and tired?

Spend your nights before bed, while relaxed, reading. Open your mind. Expect intuitive knowledge to surface, expect a deeper understanding of the self, expect to rise in the morning with explanations and guidance. Expect dreams filled with hope and fulfillment.

Let music be the opening act. Let it stir you until you shiver, those goosebumps are your soul, experiencing joy. So preface nightly reading with a ready-soul, you understand. Listen to specific songs that move you.

Now, by stirring your emotions, and delving into some personal work:

Expect also to be shown the errors of your ways (both consciously and in dreams, also hunches. Earlier in life, the so called 'night terrors' were to be explored and exposed rather than shy away from. But you were too young/undeveloped). They will be masked in fear, doubt, worry and self-criticism. Now, do not turn from them, cut the body, or hide in shame, but face the fears that show, and ask for their meaning. That has always been their purpose. The reoccurance over the past years was only to get you to notice, and begin the work you intended (soul work), or, your 'sole' work. By running, you force them to chase you, yes even in the form of a truck driver.

Pay attention especially to related topics I discuss:

Beliefs
Empowerment
Shame
Blame
Victimhood
Guilt
Suppression
Avoidance
Split personalities
Personal responsibility
The mirror
Despondancy (depression)
Self hate (frustration/harm)

I do hope you take the time. You've spent 25 years running, the other 2 you couldn't walk.

You may contact me via PM with questions as you go along.

Love and - all-ways, light.

Hi I'm-suffering, thanks for your reply and your help. Today I am going to sit down and read your posts and also re read your reply I think it can help me a lot. Thank you so much.

Thanks guys!