What we Carry

[GamerzVoice]

I cried for days after my good friend was wounded in front of me. That night in Baghdad I felt overwhelmed. I felt like I was going to lose control of my bladder. My body tightened up. Head, arms and legs all pulled into my core. I felt extremely helpless. It was at that moment one of the scariest times in my life. The night draped on us like a heavy blanket. The stars shone and city lights gleamed. It was beautiful and terrifying.

My God, what is this? What is going to happen? Please protect me. Please protect us. Please God. Please protect us. Please protect us..... Whispering this under my breath I looked down through the turret porthole and saw my buddy looking up at me. I felt disappointed in myself. He looked disappointed. Man up he's thinking! Harley just saw me cower in my boots. I thought I was more of a soldier than this. Why the fuck am I being so soft right now? I have a job to do. I am a machine gunner on this vehicle and it is my duty to protect these guys. Get back to work Brandon. Get back to work. Don't think about it.

I grasped the M2 Browning machine gun handles and gently placed my thumbs on the butterfly trigger.

William was a good friend. Williams arm was hit by shrapnel from a roadside bomb. It almost took his arm off completely. Blood was everywhere.

Later in the tour....

We were driving South of Taji, Iraq. A car full of Iraqis pulled in front of my truck. After a bit of confusion of what we were going to do to get them away from our truck we ended up ramming the front end of our MRAP right up their tailpipe. It knocked the vehicle off the road. We hit the gas pedal as hard as we could to catch up to our platoon. About an hour later my truck was tasked with over watch and security on a bridge in Baghdad called Vile Executioner. As I was sitting there scanning the city I hear Truck 2 yell out of the radio "IED DET on truck 1, IED DET on truck 1!!!" A few moments later I hear a huge explosion. We rolled up to the hot zone to conduct our battle drills. Truck 1 was on fire, flames shooting from the side. The driver opened the door and fell out on the ground. He then got up and started stumbling around. The truck commander was laying on his back in the middle of the road. Blood and debris were everywhere.

The sounds of war. Screaming and yelling, explosions, hissing of flares launching into the air and popping in the night sky. It seems like a movie. It was quite the opposite, reality. I paused for a second with I saw Sgt. Fletcher laying on the ground. I thought he was dead. How the fuck would he survive such a blast. It looked like his legs were gone. I looked down through the turret porthole and saw my truck commander leaning forward praying before he opened the door to the truck. He got out and went to help.

I said to my driver, holy shit man, Fletch is dead. At that moment everything clicked in for me. What seemed like an eternity was only a couple of seconds. We loaded our wounded in the medic truck and left the hot zone. My truck took lead, the medic truck behind us and then a rear security vehicle behind them. We drove through Baghdad by ourselves. Everyone else behind. I was scanning every inch of the road and all of the four story houses over looking us. Ready to kill anything in our path that attempted to take our lives. We ended up arriving a BIAP and unloaded our casualties and took them to the hospital were they received treatment. Everyone in the truck survived fortunately.

My soul was stripped from my body that night. From the time we left the hot zone to when we arrived at BIAP I heard the wounded screaming in my ear through my headset. They hot mic'd the entire way. I was 21 years old. Just a kid trying to survive hell.


Much more happened on our deployment. An IED blew up right in front of my truck. And a few more Joes were hurt. By the time I got home I was a changed human. I went from being a naive kid to a cold hearted man. I had no emotions. I didn't care whose feelings I hurt. Five years went by and then boom! I lost my mind.

PANIC, PANIC, PANIC PANIC, PANIC EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY.

At first I had no idea what it was. I thought I was dying. I thought I was losing my mind. I thought I was going to lose control, run down the street, scream and start punching people. I was in and out of the doctor for almost a year and a half. All test results came back normal other than vitamin D and Potassium. They were low. No doctor gave me a good answer as to what was happening to me.

Here's a list of some of my symptoms.

- Dizziness
- Vertigo
- Fear of loss of control
- Fear of going fucking crazy
- Fear of it going to the next level
- Pins and needles in lips, hands, legs.
- Tight chest, can't breathe
- Racing heart, pounding heart
- Burning skin sensation
- Difficulty swallowing
- Nervousness
- Fear of tomorrow, month, year, life
- Fear of everything
- Super excited feeling in entire body- would last for days on end. Even weeks. 24/7
- Felt like the hulk was inside me and just wanted to explode out of my skin and smash stuff
- shakiness, light headed, blurred vison
- Not able to focus
- Brain fog
- Tight band feeling around my head
- Tingling sensation on top of my brain
- Fear of every little skin lesion, mole, anything healthwise scare the fak out of me.


All of this would happen randomly. I was never able to find triggers. It started in 2012 and I am still dealing with it. The panic/anxiety has gotten a bit better since the beginning but it's still there. I can't make it completely go away. It started out of no where too. Just one day it popped up and has been a pain in my ass every since. I lost everything because of it. I lost my jobs, marriage, friends and my sanity. I am now this lonely, panic stricken veteran who sits in his basement every day with no life. Nothing to look forward to anymore. I use to love life, I was full of life. Not anymore.

Somethings that helped me feel a bit better. I started to run around my block everyday. I also started drinking Kefir. When I began drinking Kefir I felt a million times better. But I am still disabled and unhappy.

Even if you don't agree with the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan there are people who fought for you. Who wanted to do the right thing and protect our country. And just know that so many of us are dealing with such a heavy burden. I am not looking for a thank you, I just want you to know the hell that has been paid for this country.

[Deist]

It's called PTSD. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

[GamerzVoice]

Deist,

If you got over PTSD then how did you do it? Any suggestions would help, thanks!

[Deist]

Deist,

If you got over PTSD then how did you do it? Any suggestions would help, thanks!

There is no single thing you can do to move beyond PTSD. Everyone is different. However, there are steps that you can take that will assist you in your recovery of PTSD.

1. Do not clam up and internalize what happened. Be willing to talk about it openly and get it off your chest. This is where counselors come into play.

2. Do not sit around and dwell on the events. Get outside, get some air, get your body moving. Have some type of activity that you enjoy doing that will ease your mind. I am a drummer, so I sit behind my drum set, plug in my headphones and rock out to MP3s.

3. Accept that what happened, happened. Don't try to deny anything as that will weigh on your subconscious.

4. Understand that you are not alone. Others have been down the same road.

5. Look for a support group. This can be family, friends, church members, PTSD recovery meetings, etc. Don't go it alone.

6. Don't expect prayer by itself to cure you. I believe that God answers all prayers, but sometimes that answer is a big NO. God may give you the tools to work with, but it is up to you to get off your ass and make it happen. Of course, I am a deist, so...

7. Don't look negatively at medication. The right dosage of the right med can help you in your recovery, and then you taper off at a later date.

8. Sleep with some type of pleasant, ambient noise that is not related to what you went through. I personally like listening to the rain, classical music, or oriental flutes/pipes.

9. Do not turn to alcohol or illegal drugs. The pain will still be there when you sober up. Deal with the source instead of numbing the symptoms.

10. Accept the fact that you need help. Don't try and be macho and think you are immune to it. Keep a positive attitude. Remind yourself daily that you can and will beat this. It may take some time, so don't expect overnight results.

[Deist]

One more thing...

Don't get stuck in the mindset of "I did this and this for my country, and you should be thankful!"

There are people in this world that could care less about government, law enforcement, religion, morality, humanitarian aid, etc. They could care less about what you sacrificed, what you went through, and the effects it has on you. They have it in their head that the world should be a certain way, based on their point of view, and anything contrary to that is wrong, bad, evil, etc. You can't please everyone, no matter how hard you try.

You simply have to say to yourself, "I did my job. I did what I was ordered to do. I made a difference to someone. If you don't like it or agree with it, that's your problem."

Then let it go and move on.

[GamerzVoice]

One more thing...

Don't get stuck in the mindset of "I did this and this for my country, and you should be thankful!"

There are people in this world that could care less about government, law enforcement, religion, morality, humanitarian aid, etc. They could care less about what you sacrificed, what you went through, and the effects it has on you. They have it in their head that the world should be a certain way, based on their point of view, and anything contrary to that is wrong, bad, evil, etc. You can't please everyone, no matter how hard you try.

You simply have to say to yourself, "I did my job. I did what I was ordered to do. I made a difference to someone. If you don't like it or agree with it, that's your problem."

Then let it go and move on.


Thanks a lot man. I really appreciate your response. Especially this one in quotes. I guess this has been a big issue for me. Because when I came home and went back to work for the fire department after my military service people within the department were ravenous wolves when it came to my recovery. They never had anything nice to say. My impression when I got home is that I was going to be respected for my service and people would be thankful.

It was quite the opposite. People said some nasty shit. No one ever asked if I needed a hand. It seemed like they were scared to even approach. Which was unfortunate. And with the department comes the chatty kathy's who like to spread rumors like little high school girls about the next big thing. Word got around I had changed and I was a ticking time bomb. Which is so far from the truth. People didn't even want to talk to me.

I never noticed a change myself. But everyone around me did. It would have been nice if people just accepted the challenge and helped instead of lowering themselves and talking shit behind my back. I ended up leaving the job I loved most. So not only was I dealing with Iraq issues I was also dealing with pint up frustration towards a lot of my co-workers. People who I thought were my friends.

I never looked back in a sense. Once I left I was thankful I did. I don't miss the people in the department. More than anything I miss helping people in need.

I just wish I knew how to let things go. I can say all day long I am letting something go. But in the end, it's still there. It just doesn't go away on command.

I've been changing my lifestyle. Running, eating better, listening to calm music, etc. The one big thing I need to do is commit to treatment through the VA. Which I haven't done. My attendance has been sparse. Primarily because I never believed they could help. Maybe it's time to give it all I have to overcome this crap.

Thanks again for your response.

[Im-Suffering]

There is a difference between a videogame and real life. In your teens that line was blurred. With sufficient distortion as to validate a purpose - reinforced by the personification of a game character, usually martyred (verb) some perceived 'enemy' . The following message is for all readers. Not just the OP. So take note. As the 'real' enemy is always within.


Thanks a lot man. I really appreciate your response. Especially this one in quotes. I guess this has been a big issue for me. Because when I came home and went back to work for the fire department after my military service people within the department were ravenous wolves when it came to my recovery. They never had anything nice to say. My impression when I got home is that I was going to be respected for my service and people would be thankful.

It was quite the opposite. People said some nasty shit. No one ever asked if I needed a hand. It seemed like they were scared to even approach. Which was unfortunate. And with the department comes the chatty kathy's who like to spread rumors like little high school girls about the next big thing. Word got around I had changed and I was a ticking time bomb. Which is so far from the truth. People didn't even want to talk to me.

I never noticed a change myself. But everyone around me did. It would have been nice if people just accepted the challenge and helped instead of lowering themselves and talking shit behind my back. I ended up leaving the job I loved most. So not only was I dealing with Iraq issues I was also dealing with pint up frustration towards a lot of my co-workers. People who I thought were my friends.

I never looked back in a sense. Once I left I was thankful I did. I don't miss the people in the department. More than anything I miss helping people in need.

I just wish I knew how to let things go. I can say all day long I am letting something go. But in the end, it's still there. It just doesn't go away on command.

I've been changing my lifestyle. Running, eating better, listening to calm music, etc. The one big thing I need to do is commit to treatment through the VA. Which I haven't done. My attendance has been sparse. Primarily because I never believed they could help. Maybe it's time to give it all I have to overcome this crap.

Thanks again for your response.



GUILT

Guilt, on many levels. This is the emotion behind the fear. There is no man made weapon as powerful as guilt.

Self-loathing. Hate. Resentment.

And paranoia. Persecution. Loss of liberty (the fear of). Blame.

"Paranoia is a thought process believed to be heavily influenced by anxiety or fear, often to the point of irrationality and delusion. Paranoid thinking typically includes persecutory beliefs, or beliefs of conspiracy concerning a perceived threat towards oneself or others, individually, a race, or a nation (country) can be the 'target' of blame. (e.g. "Everyone is out to get me"). Paranoia is distinct from phobias, which also involve irrational fear, but usually no blame. Making false accusations and the general distrust of others also frequently accompany paranoia"

Where once you sought to save the (perceived) victims, you have now become a victim yourself.

Now, make sure when you seek therapy, you do so with the firm intent to release the pain, not to sit in it week after week as you commiserate with peers at the VA, and forgive the pun, tell 'war stories'. You are no victim. Your life has been the result of a series of choices, and will continue to be.

The horrid pictures once before your eyes and now in memory, were not meant to desensitize, but to sensitize. To bring about compassion without the need to harm, and most of all, the love of peace without force. And so you have learned a great deal. With that viewpoint, there cannot be any accompanying anger. The goal is to release the guilt and pain, and to have a greater understanding of purpose.

"More than anything I miss helping people in need." - indeed a wonderful characteristic of your personality, do not suppress this, just think 'outside' the box with clarity but without - anger.

For example, you can begin to teach peace (constructive outlet), you see. Advocate it. While discussing the destructive nature of violence with young people who are now making choices of their own. There can be no violent aggression in one who loves peace, you see. Only in hate is violence justified in the self enough to kill. So those that hate war (but find it necessary), for the sake of peace are indeed misguided. As you help others, your burden will continue to lift unto a loving state, and the world will show love for you. The love of peace brings a refusal, across the board to pick up weapons. Only by such a universal acceptance will all men find true peace on earth. Which was your ideal to begin with. The methodology was however unenlightened on how to accomplish that goal.

Changing the way you feel inside, will change how the world reacts to you. The incidents at the fire station reflected low self esteem, even after your perceived noble pursuits overseas, and so you were not met with respect, but a form of repulsion, for that is how you feel about the experience. So every day, you meet self.

If you don't realize how important this post is, reread it 10,000 times before bed. If you discuss it with the VA therapist you may be met with resistance, taking into consideration the beliefs of who you are talking with.

I do salute you on your journey.

And..

Given with love + respect.

[Kuma]

GV -- if it makes you feel any better (probably doesn't -- but who knows), there's a lot of us,including me, who really do appreciate what you and your fellow soldiers did for us. It is an incredibly tough job and a huge sacrifice. I could not do it, and yet I get the benefit of others having done it -- whether in WW II or Korea or Viet Nam, or Iraq or Afghanistan. We owe you guys a big debt. But the reality is that debt will never be repaid, so you probably just have to find a way to enjoy the rest of your life as best you can.

I suspect spending time with other vets, as friends or in support groups, etc., would probably be helpful. The rest of us will never understand what you went through, even if we try. But the other guys who have been there probably understand it, and I bet they can help with the healing process.

Good luck.

[GamerzVoice]

I like what you said Im-Suffering. Some deep stuff! You hit a lot of good points.

Guilt has been a huge factor with my panic/anxiety. When I went to Iraq it was at times the biggest high of my life. I felt adrenaline rushes like never before. It was addicting. So when I came home I made some very bad decisions. I was always looking for the next rush. I was engaged before I went to Iraq and got married a couple months after I returned stateside.

I fell into a habit of drinking, riding my crotch rocket at fast speeds, committed adultery in my marriage. It was like I just fell off the deep end without realizing the damage I was doing to myself and my marriage. It lasted for years after I came back from Iraq. My marriage finally crumbled and she divorced me, rightfully so.

Much of that guilt was built up throughout those years and I believe it eventually revealed itself with panic/anxiety symptoms. I believe in my heart my wife was a good woman. She did a lot of good things in our marriage. But it wasn't a good time to get married. I needed to work on me. There was no way I could make a marriage work. I just wish I was smart enough or man enough at the time to say no. I feel it would have been the right decision. It would have saved her a lot of heart ache.