poseguer
02-05-2015, 01:37 PM
Hey everyone,
So about a month and a half ago I started experiencing severe anxiety, having panic attacks multiple times daily. I started developing specific phobias; I'm afraid of sleeping on my own, of showering, and of driving. I'm a student at UCSD living without my family, and I started to feel like I was drowning in my loneliness. I would study in coffee shops until they closed and begged me to leave because I was too afraid to be by myself. At the same time, I knew I had people who cared about me all around--especially my boyfriend and my friends, who cared about me. But I was too afraid to reach out to them.
I started going to therapy, but it wasn't enough. I was too afraid to see an actual psychiatrist, believing that medication was not for me. I finally did and was started on Trazodone and Celexa. Both of these had adverse effects on me; Trazodone made me manic and Celexa gave me suicidal thoughts. Then I finally started Lamictal, with great trepidation, as Lamictal is an anti-convulsant used to treat epilepsy and bipolar disorder, primarily. At this point I had learned to trust my psychiatrist, who showed genuine concern for me and changed my medication according to my needs; she never told me to "just suffer through it" and actively worked to figure out what would be best for me. But I couldn't help thinking, "What does it mean that I'm taking this medication? Am I actually bipolar? What is wrong with me?"
With a few weeks of time, I've come to realize that I am stabilizing and growing stronger. In light of this, does it really matter what medication I'm taking? My official diagnosis is generalized anxiety disorder and major depressive affective disorder, but in the end these are just words. I feel what I feel, and putting a label on it isn't going to change that. What is going to change that is taking the steps I need to take in order to get better. If that means taking an anti-convulsant, so be it. If that means going to therapy, so be it. If that means reaching out to my loved ones no matter how hard it can be to ask for help, so be it.
I just wanted to share a bit about myself and my struggle with anxiety and depression to remind everyone out there that there is more strength in admitting that we might need help than there is in suffering through our illnesses. There is more strength in loving yourself enough to do what is necessary to get better. Because I've come to realize that these things are truly necessary for me. Not everyone is the same and there are different paths for everyone, but it is necessary to remember that there is a path for everyone. There are ways to come out of the wilderness of hurt, of anxiety, of depression. And it is truly a journey; it is not something that happens overnight and your attempts may be frustrated time and again. But you will find a way. No matter how hard it may seem now, always remember that life is beautiful and worth enjoying, remain positive and keep moving forward. Though I don't know anyone in this forum personally, I want you all to know that you and your struggles are in my thoughts and that I am proud to be a member of this community of interconnectedness, despite the unfortunate circumstances that have brought us together.
I hope you all have a wonderful day, or if that is too hard right now, that you may find at least a little moment of respite and peace today.
So about a month and a half ago I started experiencing severe anxiety, having panic attacks multiple times daily. I started developing specific phobias; I'm afraid of sleeping on my own, of showering, and of driving. I'm a student at UCSD living without my family, and I started to feel like I was drowning in my loneliness. I would study in coffee shops until they closed and begged me to leave because I was too afraid to be by myself. At the same time, I knew I had people who cared about me all around--especially my boyfriend and my friends, who cared about me. But I was too afraid to reach out to them.
I started going to therapy, but it wasn't enough. I was too afraid to see an actual psychiatrist, believing that medication was not for me. I finally did and was started on Trazodone and Celexa. Both of these had adverse effects on me; Trazodone made me manic and Celexa gave me suicidal thoughts. Then I finally started Lamictal, with great trepidation, as Lamictal is an anti-convulsant used to treat epilepsy and bipolar disorder, primarily. At this point I had learned to trust my psychiatrist, who showed genuine concern for me and changed my medication according to my needs; she never told me to "just suffer through it" and actively worked to figure out what would be best for me. But I couldn't help thinking, "What does it mean that I'm taking this medication? Am I actually bipolar? What is wrong with me?"
With a few weeks of time, I've come to realize that I am stabilizing and growing stronger. In light of this, does it really matter what medication I'm taking? My official diagnosis is generalized anxiety disorder and major depressive affective disorder, but in the end these are just words. I feel what I feel, and putting a label on it isn't going to change that. What is going to change that is taking the steps I need to take in order to get better. If that means taking an anti-convulsant, so be it. If that means going to therapy, so be it. If that means reaching out to my loved ones no matter how hard it can be to ask for help, so be it.
I just wanted to share a bit about myself and my struggle with anxiety and depression to remind everyone out there that there is more strength in admitting that we might need help than there is in suffering through our illnesses. There is more strength in loving yourself enough to do what is necessary to get better. Because I've come to realize that these things are truly necessary for me. Not everyone is the same and there are different paths for everyone, but it is necessary to remember that there is a path for everyone. There are ways to come out of the wilderness of hurt, of anxiety, of depression. And it is truly a journey; it is not something that happens overnight and your attempts may be frustrated time and again. But you will find a way. No matter how hard it may seem now, always remember that life is beautiful and worth enjoying, remain positive and keep moving forward. Though I don't know anyone in this forum personally, I want you all to know that you and your struggles are in my thoughts and that I am proud to be a member of this community of interconnectedness, despite the unfortunate circumstances that have brought us together.
I hope you all have a wonderful day, or if that is too hard right now, that you may find at least a little moment of respite and peace today.