JimmyMckracken
02-05-2015, 10:23 AM
Hi, im new to the forum and this is my first post.
Ive been living with Anxiety/Panic attacks for 3 years now i think.. i cant put a date to it because i dont really know when it 'happend'.
I can track back to events, things ive been through and changing my lifestyle and ive got a pretty good idea of why im here now. Ive always had a turbulant life, i was kicked out and homeless at 14. I took shelter with my older brother who was a heroin addict in a squat near the city centre. I spent my days learning his way of stealing and robbing from other people. I never really recovered from those bad lessons till 10 years later.
My brother murdered his girlfriend in 2011, he came straight to my house after soaked in blood and still carrying the knife he had used also soaked in blood. The image is still stuck fast in my head, one ill never forget. He was high on drugs, amphetamine and Mkat the police said. It was 11 at night, i was relaxing.. then all of a sudden i was thrown into this situation. To be honest at the time i was suprisingly calm. I got dressed and cleaned him up. The police turned up what seems like half hour later but was actually only a couple of minutes. He was arrested after a struggle in the kitchen and it was only then when he was read his rights with the charge of 'suspected attempted murder' that it hit me what had happened. Panic set in, i was so upset. I was taken to the police station in the car after him and was kept for a 'voluntary statement' for 8hrs in the police station. When i left to go home the next morning i couldnt get in my house because it was a scene of crime. I didnt get a thing.. money, a coat. Nothing. I stayed on a friends sofa for a week while the police did there forensic investigations. Meanwhile my brother was charged with murder and was eventually sentenced to 22yrs in prison. I still keep in contact with him, he is my brother after all.
I cant really say ive been a great person. I was in and out of court as a lad, mostly petty crimes. Then just as i turned 24 i was pulled in for a commercial burglary and was put before the crown court. the judge gave me a probation order.. i honestly believe the system helped me, i really did turn my life around. The only problem is that i spent all that time running around, constantly on the move in the wrong circles that i have no other life. I find myself just sitting around doing nothing, not knowing how to act like a normal person. I was on the run once for 2 1/2 years and i shamefully look back on it as the best time of my life. I travelled so much during that time and met so many people.
The point is.. i was once so confident in myself and considered myself fearless. So where does this irrational way of thinking come from? why cant i just deal with it. Its been 3 years now and things have just got worse instead of getting better. Im not going to run through the stuff but its terrifying all the same. Im considering taking up some classes, trying to expand my knowladge but im held back by the panic attacks. They just seem so real. Im not looking for answers because ive come to understand there really arent any, Just advice and techniques. I guess im just another person on a journey.. and its nice to know your not on that journey alone. I was sort of relieved to read through the forum and see other peoples experiences and know that im not just going crazy.
Ive been living with Anxiety/Panic attacks for 3 years now i think.. i cant put a date to it because i dont really know when it 'happend'.
I can track back to events, things ive been through and changing my lifestyle and ive got a pretty good idea of why im here now. Ive always had a turbulant life, i was kicked out and homeless at 14. I took shelter with my older brother who was a heroin addict in a squat near the city centre. I spent my days learning his way of stealing and robbing from other people. I never really recovered from those bad lessons till 10 years later.
My brother murdered his girlfriend in 2011, he came straight to my house after soaked in blood and still carrying the knife he had used also soaked in blood. The image is still stuck fast in my head, one ill never forget. He was high on drugs, amphetamine and Mkat the police said. It was 11 at night, i was relaxing.. then all of a sudden i was thrown into this situation. To be honest at the time i was suprisingly calm. I got dressed and cleaned him up. The police turned up what seems like half hour later but was actually only a couple of minutes. He was arrested after a struggle in the kitchen and it was only then when he was read his rights with the charge of 'suspected attempted murder' that it hit me what had happened. Panic set in, i was so upset. I was taken to the police station in the car after him and was kept for a 'voluntary statement' for 8hrs in the police station. When i left to go home the next morning i couldnt get in my house because it was a scene of crime. I didnt get a thing.. money, a coat. Nothing. I stayed on a friends sofa for a week while the police did there forensic investigations. Meanwhile my brother was charged with murder and was eventually sentenced to 22yrs in prison. I still keep in contact with him, he is my brother after all.
I cant really say ive been a great person. I was in and out of court as a lad, mostly petty crimes. Then just as i turned 24 i was pulled in for a commercial burglary and was put before the crown court. the judge gave me a probation order.. i honestly believe the system helped me, i really did turn my life around. The only problem is that i spent all that time running around, constantly on the move in the wrong circles that i have no other life. I find myself just sitting around doing nothing, not knowing how to act like a normal person. I was on the run once for 2 1/2 years and i shamefully look back on it as the best time of my life. I travelled so much during that time and met so many people.
The point is.. i was once so confident in myself and considered myself fearless. So where does this irrational way of thinking come from? why cant i just deal with it. Its been 3 years now and things have just got worse instead of getting better. Im not going to run through the stuff but its terrifying all the same. Im considering taking up some classes, trying to expand my knowladge but im held back by the panic attacks. They just seem so real. Im not looking for answers because ive come to understand there really arent any, Just advice and techniques. I guess im just another person on a journey.. and its nice to know your not on that journey alone. I was sort of relieved to read through the forum and see other peoples experiences and know that im not just going crazy.