HI EVERYONE... DESPERATELY NEED ADVICE....

[Aislstarfish]

Hi everyone... I'm new here. I don't have an anxiety condition, but I am living with someone who does...

My boyfried of 3 years was diagnosed Agoraphobic a few years back but has been having horrible panic attacks since about age 20 (he's 29 now).. The anxiety surrounds things like vomiting(the BIG one.. and what he thinks controlls the rest of the anxieties), driving, driving on highways(he hasnt been on one in years), lots of people, being in tall buildings, hospitals, medical procedures, dental procedures, being away from home........ He takes Klonapin as needed, but wants to be med-free, as he doesnt even like to take Advil (for fear it will make him ill)

We've tried just about everything I can think of... and that's the problem. I feel like although he says he wants a change so badly, wants things to be like they used to, "wants his life back," i feel like i'm doing all the footwork. I encouraged him to see a therapist (who he is no longer seeing at the moment), I've researched and bought him the "best" self-help books (which he seemed excited about at first, but then never read), i've researched SOOOOOO much about anxiety and helping people with it, we've made some headway and then none at all.. I researched, encouraged and PAID FOR a hypnotist, which he said really helped the first few weeks.. and now he feels "the work has faded and it's worse than before"

I AM SO FRUSTRATED AND SAD!!!! I just dont even know what to do anymore!! I HAVE NO MORE MIRACLE CURES OR WAYS TO HELP.. I AM OUT OF IDEAS. :cry: :cry: :cry:

I want to go to the beach with him... want to take trips or vacations (we've never left the state) ... I want him to be able to EAT SOMETHING without asking me first if i think it could be bad or if it will make him sick. I am so worn out.. I just dont know what to do. I love him dearly, but even my endless empathy seems to be wearing thin.

We've talked about marriage someday... about kids... I'm in nursing school... he wants to be a cop. But I look into the future into what should be a happy vision, and I'm stressed. I just cant carry it all. My wallet and my soul cannot handle it. On top of this... he is just very quick to see how people are against him, and how things never go his way ("it's just my luck").. he easily finds the negative, whereas i am inherantly a positive person.


What do i do? I imagine that I have helped TOO much in the past and perhaps now he is relying on me. I fear he is looking for a magical turn around from his anxieties and that things will just be like they were when he was 15. But i know they wont and I know that anything he does will require a lot of work and maintence.... he just doesnt seem willing even though he says he will "do anything". I feel that if i were in his situation, i would fight to the death to take my life back.

I just dont understand.

So, do i just back completely away now? I dont mean break up with him... just let him know that I cannot be the "fixer" anymore and that his negative attitude is killing me?


I'm sorry this post was so incredibly long... I just have no one to vent to... Thank you. Any ideas or insight are greatly appreciated :)

[sarrah]

I think your best place to start is asking yourself "does he really want to get better" because what you discribed is someone given everything but they don't truly do what needs to be done? Maybe this fear has given him so much attention from you he is afraid that if he gets better he won't get the attention he used to?

You need to take care of yourself as well. Be there for him but try to keep from doing everything for him. The best thing my husband did for me was tell me he is always here for me and hold my hand when the panic is at its worse but he MAKES me try and does not pull punches when he thinks I am not actually trying to get back to a less panicy way of life.

I hope you can work things out and I hope you can get your partner to become a true partner is getting his life back. This demon is a sticky bastard who will be with him forever but once he learns to cope, it will get easier and easier.

[Aislstarfish]

Thank you Sarrah. I agree with you. I know that I've been doing too much of the work, and that is simply not going to help his situation. What do you mean by "does not pull punches when he thinks I am not actually trying to get back to a less panicy way of life" ?? and how does he MAKE you try? I dont know if my boyfriend is the type of person i can MAKE do anything, haha.

Also, what are some things that have been useful to you in coping?

Thank you so much for your reply!

[02Batmobile]

There is only so much that you yourself can do, but it's his actions that will lead to his freedom.

First off, you are not alone. I am the exact same way as your boyfriend and you sound jus' like my girlfriend. One thing I would like to point out is that he is a male. It is thought that anxiety affects more women than men, while others say it's closer to 50/50. There are more reports of women affected by anxiety because women are more likely to seek help. Men, on the other hand, choose to "suck it up" or hold it in. I was that typical male. While I did choose to find help right away because of my severe anxiety, I was hesitant to open up about it. I would battle it everday without anyone ever knowing about it. I was hold it all in. I realized lately that I cannot do this anymore solo, and it has brought me much more comfort to open up and let those closest to me, realize where I am coming from. Maybe this is part of the problem? When my girlfriend would bring up the subject about anxiety, I would get a lil' irritated and angry, quickly changing the subject. Our relationship is also affected by my anxiety jus' like your relationship. We can't enjoy the things we want to do for fear of panic attacks so when she would mention this or bring this up in a conversation, I would change the subject. Part of it is because the anxiety is very, very difficult thing to talk about. We don't like to talk about it or even think about it. We choose to avoid it at all costs no matter what.

He can get better but he won't unless he acts upon it. I was afraid of having a panic attack while driving to my girlfriends'. It wasn't until I pushed myself to drive that I got better. Don't expect him to make a complete 180 though. Take baby steps. If he is afriad of driving to a friend's house for example, don't make him go the whole distance. Ride with him a quarter of the way. Do this until he gets used to it and feels comfortable with it. Then go half way and so on and so forth. Another example: I was afraid of our plane trip to Florida. I dreaded it. I was getting myself worked up for nothing. My psychiatrist told me to take a Xanax the morning of the flight and then 30 minutes before. When I arrived at Florida, I was thrilled that I made it and on the way back I was confident enough to fly back without meds. Now, I feel that I can take plane trips, no problem!

My advice, seek out a therapist who specializes in anxiety and teaches CBT (Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy). Those books that you bought for him? Read it with him. Encourage him. Don't push him though!!! Don't get angry with him but let him know that you care and want him to get better. Tell him to keep a journal. (I know, I was hesitant to keep one too but I feel like it helps.) Ditch the hypnotist too.

Hang in there,
-James (AOL Instant Message Me!!)

[sarrah]

I mean he can be a downright a**hole when I am having a moment and tell me that it is just a panic attack and that it never killed anyone so I need to keep moving. It is basically a "you need to get over it" type of attitude without being uncaring.

Some of the things I do to cope are

Breath deeply when my chest hurts and really think about where it hurts. Most of the time I realize that there is not any actual pain or that it is something else.

I will tap my wrist to distract me or I will count my breaths until I get to a certain number or am distracted from the panic.

I eat ginger because it calms the sick tummy and the sharp taste works to give my brain something else to mull over instead of my impending doom.

The best thing I did however was go see a doc and I take the meds when my own coping is not enoigh instead of thinking I can do it all alone. While I wish I could, I now understand that this is more then just my brain but something chemical in my body that I cannot always control.

Take care and please write me anytime.

[Robbed]

While I wish I could, I now understand that this is more then just my brain but something chemical in my body that I cannot always control.

I believe that the biological component tends to be overrated. Yes, there are biological factors to consider when in an anxiety state. But however difficult it may be to overcome this and change things for the better, I am not so willing to believe that there is some gene that is going to keep you 'locked' in an anxiety state for the rest of your life, or that you will forever need to be on medication. Although this may sound somewhat cliche, I REALLY think that the health care/pharmaceutical industry WANTS you to believe this so that you will feel like you need to shell out cash to them for the rest of your life.

[02Batmobile]

I believe that the biological component tends to be overrated. Yes, there are biological factors to consider when in an anxiety state. But however difficult it may be to overcome this and change things for the better, I am not so willing to believe that there is some gene that is going to keep you 'locked' in an anxiety state for the rest of your life, or that you will forever need to be on medication. Although this may sound somewhat cliche, I REALLY think that the health care/pharmaceutical industry WANTS you to believe this so that you will feel like you need to shell out cash to them for the rest of your life.

You see, these ideas scare me tremendously. Back in 2003 when I had my worst anxiety, I felt like nothing in the world could save me. I felt hopeless and destined for a life-long affliction of anxiety. I feel as if it was so strong, no amount of CBT, relaxation techniques, breathing exercises, positive-talking and so on, would save me. I was put on Lexapro and got better. I was 100% better. I feel as if meds are the only solution to my anxiety. I worry about this constantly. Hearing people say that the pharmaceutical companies are brainwashing us into thinking we need medication frightens me.

[Robbed]

You see, these ideas scare me tremendously. Back in 2003 when I had my worst anxiety, I felt like nothing in the world could save me. I felt hopeless and destined for a life-long affliction of anxiety. I feel as if it was so strong, no amount of CBT, relaxation techniques, breathing exercises, positive-talking and so on, would save me. I was put on Lexapro and got better. I was 100% better. I feel as if meds are the only solution to my anxiety. I worry about this constantly. Hearing people say that the pharmaceutical companies are brainwashing us into thinking we need medication frightens me.

It is hard to say whether you really need to be on medication for life or not. Have you actually tried any non-pharmaceutical approaches to anxiety? The way I see things, breathing exercises and relaxation techniques are rather hit-and-miss. I have never benefitted from ANY of these sorts of things, yet others have supposedly benefitted GREATLY from them. As for CBT, this can DEFINITELY be helpful, although it takes time. Medications, of course, are also VERY much hit-and-miss. It sounds like you have had a good experience with Lexapro, although MANY others are not as lucky (when it comes to Lexapro, or any other meds).

As for the pharmaceutical industry trying to convince us that we NEED meds, this is somewhat of a no-brainer. After all, just like any other business, they make money when they sell products. And antidepressants are a particular 'cash cow' since people generally take them over the long haul. I have also noticed that doctors seem to be overly eager to get people on antidepressants, overly eager to increase dosage, and unwilling to listen to complaints about side effects. And speaking of side effects, they tend to be glossed over and downplayed if you ask about them before going on meds. This certainly suggests that they are benefitting from writing prescriptions. Of course, if antidepressants have helped you, then they are perhaps not such a bad thing in your situation. It's just that the health care/pharmaceutical industry tries to suggest that meds are THE solution for EVERYONE, and that there are no possible downsides to using meds. And this is most certainly NOT true.

[kathy1]

Hi

I have to say that i know exactly where your boyfriend is coming from. anxiety is a dreadful thing when it reaches the proportions your boyfriend has. unless you have experienced it you cannot understand. it is not like nerves before an interview, it is mind blowing, totally absorbing, intense terror. i know cos i have it too. it is very difficult to explain to someone who has not had it so bad.

you are doing a wonderful job supporting him. when he says he can't do it he simply can't. it immobilises you. you have to face your fears i agree but sometimes it is too much. baby steps, if the whole task is too much, just as much as he can manage. i am so sorry for you. he has simply run out of credit at the bank of life and he needs to save again. it can be done. it takes patience and an awful lot of time. meds are not always the answer. sometimes they can be useful for a short time but they can cause more problems in the long run.

kathyx

[Aislstarfish]

Thank you everyone for your replies :) They are greatly appreciated. We are still working on solutions. I have talked to a few people with panic attacks and extreme anxiety and they seem to have luck with Lexapro. I absolutely agree with the above poster that believes pharmaceuticals probably just want to keep everyone on their meds, because this is how they make their money. I know that there can be terrible side effects, but also that some people benefit greatly and are content to stay on them for the rest of their lives.

My boyfriend and I are both on the fence about taking meds constantly. He takes Klonipin "as needed" but I honestly think that he may need a consistant blood level of a drug in his system. However, as I mentioned before, he is trying to become a Police Officer and worries terribly that they will not allow him to be on medication in Law Enforcement.

I'm not entirely sure about this, but I see where he is coming from.

Anyway.. this is something that I would like to find out about, because if some sort of consistant medication will help him, then I think we should try it. (However, he has also been put on Xanax and Zoloft in the past and reacted HORRIBLY to it)

Thanks again! I'll keep everyone posted!

~Claire

[Punk Rock Steve]

Hello Claire...I can identify with your situation as I have severe anxiety/panic and have been driving my wife crazy for years. She has been a saint to me, however, and because of our love for each other we survive and get through things one day at a time. While I'm not agoraphobic (yet), I have become somewhat of a hypochondriac in recent years, though I fear doctors and don't go too often (because I fear what they will possibly tell me I have-cancer, MS, a tumor...you name it) I too am the negative one a lot of the time. I do get positive moments, especially when I'm playing music with my band, but I have been negative for a lot of my 54 years on this planet. I take a low to medium dose of Xanax right now, which works about half the time. Tried other medications like Effexor, Lexapro, Prozac, etc., but found that the side effects I got from them just gave me more anxiety! I have yet to try CBT or meditation, partially due to my feeling that my anxiety and panic won't allow me the patience to get through either one. You're a brave and loving person to have been doing what you have so far. It's not easy for either party. I wish I could just snap my fingers and POOF! my anxiety would be gone...but that's not reality. It's easy to get depressed when you have anxiety that is totally screwing up your life. I've also had to deal with alcoholism for a good part of my life and have now been sober for almost 8 years. The drinking used to mask the anxiety, now I don't have that, and have raw anxiety to contend with. This was a great thread and there has been a wealth of good advice given here. I pray that you'll be able to hang in there....somehow, in our own ways we all do :)

[Aislstarfish]

Thank you PunkRockSteve :) You sound very similar to my boyfriend.. and it is definitely our love for each other that keeps us sticking it out and working on it one day at a time.

He too battled alcholism for the majority of his life and has been in many bands. He used to tour all over the country.. spend days, weeks, months driving in a large van or flying across the country to play shows every night. When the anxiety started to really pick up.. around age 20 or so.. he started drinking even more to try to compensate. He has been completely alcohol free for 3 years now.

He gets very depressed now because he feels he will never escape it.. He is sad because he knows how much he used to be able to do and how spontaneous and free he was. Now he feels trapped and like his life has been taken away from him. I can't tell you how much it tears me up inside to know how hurt he is. It is just exhausting.

I certainly havent given up hope. I believe that we just havent found the right way yet.. and we'll just have to keep trying. I think some days he feels things will never go his way and he will never get better.

I get frustrated because I want him to be more positive and proactive about finding a way out of this "prison" but at the same time, I completely understand why it may be hard for him to be.

Thank you again for sharing your story with me!

[Punk Rock Steve]

Well, Claire...you just made my day :) That's pretty amazing that your boyfriend and I are quite similar in many ways and I feel good that I may have helped you even a little bit. Last night, I almost ended up waking my wife to tell her we need to go to the ER. But I didn't, eventually fell asleep around 2 or 3 and woke up not feeling too bad. Then the palpitaions and other anxiety symptoms (breathing, shakes, fatigue, etc.) started kicking in. I rarely take off from work, but I did today as I felt it would be detrimental to me. Had palps walking up the stairs today (I think) because I was expecting them. Wasn't out of breath or anything and had no chest or arm pains so then I walked up another time and this time recited the Serenity Prayer over and over...didn't have them going up and only had a slight one when I sat in front of the computer. I'm pretty sure that tells me that my mind is screwing with me. Decided to come on here, which was a good move. Keep us posted on how you make out and please feel free to send me a personal message if you need to :)